Rehab - What a Let Down
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 25
Rehab - What a Let Down
Hi all. After over two years of a roller coaster relationship with my alcoholic fiance' he finally went to inpatient rehab in November 2009. My expectations were of him coming out a new man. I have since learned that rehab only teaches one how to achieve sobriety - and nothing else. For the last three months he has attended group counselling and AA meetings but yet he is still the same man he was before he went to rehab. Dry drunk I guess you could say. He is still pulling his same old tricks, the selfishness, inattentiveness, the lying - etc; and not doing anything that will change his life to make it easier to stay sober. To me, all his meetings are a waste of time. He talks the talk and thats it.
Two weeks ago he crossed one of my boundaries - I found history on his computer showing that he has been on dating sites behind my back as recent as Feb 2010. When confronted he lied and said it wasn't him. Hello??? He only lives with his cat. What a slap in the face! I left him 12 days ago and have since had no contact. He has not tried to contact me either.
I am heartbroken at the thought of all the time I wasted on him. I brought this man life, and my kids loved him like a second father. My only salvation is knowing that he lost more than I did. Alcoholism is horrible and I feel sorry for every person hurting because of it.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Two weeks ago he crossed one of my boundaries - I found history on his computer showing that he has been on dating sites behind my back as recent as Feb 2010. When confronted he lied and said it wasn't him. Hello??? He only lives with his cat. What a slap in the face! I left him 12 days ago and have since had no contact. He has not tried to contact me either.
I am heartbroken at the thought of all the time I wasted on him. I brought this man life, and my kids loved him like a second father. My only salvation is knowing that he lost more than I did. Alcoholism is horrible and I feel sorry for every person hurting because of it.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so sorry for your pain! I had high expectations too for my EXAH when he got out of rehab, but those were shattered.
The good news is I went to rehab shortly after he got out, and I got clean/sober.
I did have to leave him for my own safety, sanity, and recovery.
There is a huge difference between talking the talk, and walking the walk. Sadly it sounds he's not too keen on addressing the deeper issues.
Again, I am sorry for your pain, but I am glad you had the clarity to see this wasn't what you wanted.
There is a big beautiful world out there. It's just walking through the pain to get there! :ghug3 :ghug3
The good news is I went to rehab shortly after he got out, and I got clean/sober.
I did have to leave him for my own safety, sanity, and recovery.
There is a huge difference between talking the talk, and walking the walk. Sadly it sounds he's not too keen on addressing the deeper issues.
Again, I am sorry for your pain, but I am glad you had the clarity to see this wasn't what you wanted.
There is a big beautiful world out there. It's just walking through the pain to get there! :ghug3 :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome to SR! Let the healing begin 
Now that you are in a position to reflect on the relationship you had with him without the hopes, which turned out to be in vain, that he would seek a true sober life, you can begin to heal yourself and your children.
This is a wonderful place of support and guidance in that healing path. Just because you are no longer in contact with the alcoholic does not mean the affect and toll addiction took on your lives is any less.
I was with my XABF (EX acloholic boyfriend) for 10+ years. I separated from him last year after spending time here learning and working on my own recovery. He never chose to truly get sober and his life was spiralling out of control. I got out of the way of that bullet as you have and since then I have work every day and moving past the hurt and building a new life that is healthy and emotionally grounded.
Others will be along as well to share their experiences with you. You will see there are many who have been where you are, many who are not yet there, and some who have been on both sides of an addictive relationship. Let them support you and you can support them in turn.
Thanks for joining us!!
Alice
Now that you are in a position to reflect on the relationship you had with him without the hopes, which turned out to be in vain, that he would seek a true sober life, you can begin to heal yourself and your children.
This is a wonderful place of support and guidance in that healing path. Just because you are no longer in contact with the alcoholic does not mean the affect and toll addiction took on your lives is any less.
I was with my XABF (EX acloholic boyfriend) for 10+ years. I separated from him last year after spending time here learning and working on my own recovery. He never chose to truly get sober and his life was spiralling out of control. I got out of the way of that bullet as you have and since then I have work every day and moving past the hurt and building a new life that is healthy and emotionally grounded.
Others will be along as well to share their experiences with you. You will see there are many who have been where you are, many who are not yet there, and some who have been on both sides of an addictive relationship. Let them support you and you can support them in turn.
Thanks for joining us!!
Alice
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am sorry safetygirl for your hurt. I hope that you will soon feel better and that you and your children can soon heal. It is true, rehab doesn't turn us into different people but hopefully we learn to make healthier choices. Perusing dating sites while already in a relationship sure does not sound healthy (or nice!) to me. Good for you for not letting him walk over you that way! That took strength I am sure!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Welcome to SR !
I hope you find the support and hope you are looking for!
one thing:
You only wasted it if you don't learn from it. Or if you repeat it.
second -
Er.
I hope that's some kind of misprint cuz there's only the one Source that brings Life.
Meaning -
Not slaping any preconceived religious views on you -
I don't have any -
BUT -
We as codependents tend to think WE are the reason the ex (or present) spouse is alive.
We aren't.
WE ... never were.
WE can no more be their Diety...
than THEY ... can be ours.
Just a semantical thing for clarity's sake.
I hope you find the support and hope you are looking for!
one thing:
I am heartbroken at the thought of all the time I wasted on him.
second -
I brought this man life
I hope that's some kind of misprint cuz there's only the one Source that brings Life.
Meaning -
Not slaping any preconceived religious views on you -
I don't have any -
BUT -
We as codependents tend to think WE are the reason the ex (or present) spouse is alive.
We aren't.
WE ... never were.
WE can no more be their Diety...
than THEY ... can be ours.
Just a semantical thing for clarity's sake.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 25
Thank you to those of you who responded to this post.
To clarify the statement ... I brought this man life ....
My fiance' was drinking at the age of 13. His parents drink, his brothers drink, all of his friends drink (and I mean ALL). After years and years of alcoholic troubles - 2 dwi's, years without a license, job loss, failed relationships etc ... he sobered up for a period of 8 years. For the last four of those 8 years he moved to another town and lived alone in the country a relative reclusive while he rebuilt his life. That was all before I met him. When he and I met, he was everything I was looking for (or so I thought). It took me several months to realize he was an alcoholic when he confessed that he picked up the drink again roughly 4 months before I met him; by the time I heard that I already loved him and I believed in him. I believed he loved me. My living environment was one not revolving around alcohol or drugs. I have a great job, own my own home, two great kids, a loving family (without addictions) and even a wonderful ex-husband. We do alot of fun things together without drama and he fit right in. We went to places he had never been and he became a part of my childrens lives. I did not mean I gave him life; what I gave him was a life of love, support and nurturing. Even my ex-husband gave him complete support when he entered rehab. His own friends and family thought it was a good move but no major deal. They have yet to realize the demons he struggles with. They are all self centered and pretty much in denial about their whole family unit dysfunction.
I take ownership of not loving myself enough to let him go much earlier in the relationship when I was clearly not getting what I deserved. That is what I am trying to work on. My counselor said it best when she said, "You've gotta stop being hooked on the potential of people".
Everything being said, I still loved him and I am still hurting tremendously.
To clarify the statement ... I brought this man life ....
My fiance' was drinking at the age of 13. His parents drink, his brothers drink, all of his friends drink (and I mean ALL). After years and years of alcoholic troubles - 2 dwi's, years without a license, job loss, failed relationships etc ... he sobered up for a period of 8 years. For the last four of those 8 years he moved to another town and lived alone in the country a relative reclusive while he rebuilt his life. That was all before I met him. When he and I met, he was everything I was looking for (or so I thought). It took me several months to realize he was an alcoholic when he confessed that he picked up the drink again roughly 4 months before I met him; by the time I heard that I already loved him and I believed in him. I believed he loved me. My living environment was one not revolving around alcohol or drugs. I have a great job, own my own home, two great kids, a loving family (without addictions) and even a wonderful ex-husband. We do alot of fun things together without drama and he fit right in. We went to places he had never been and he became a part of my childrens lives. I did not mean I gave him life; what I gave him was a life of love, support and nurturing. Even my ex-husband gave him complete support when he entered rehab. His own friends and family thought it was a good move but no major deal. They have yet to realize the demons he struggles with. They are all self centered and pretty much in denial about their whole family unit dysfunction.
I take ownership of not loving myself enough to let him go much earlier in the relationship when I was clearly not getting what I deserved. That is what I am trying to work on. My counselor said it best when she said, "You've gotta stop being hooked on the potential of people".
Everything being said, I still loved him and I am still hurting tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey safetygirl - it's okay to love him and it is so okay to feel hurt by this. You opened your heart, your home, your life to this man and his choices brought this hurt on.
Someone wise here told me to remember that I made the choices I made in my relationship with the information I had at the time. It helped me.
Back then, I did not know that the disease of alcoholism is progressive.
I did not know that I could not have any control over his drinking (I thought if I gave him a safe environment without booze he'd be sober).
I did not understand that I didn't cause his drinking (his inability to cope emotionally from childhood started him drinking, I was just a typical excuse of the day).
And despite all my love and support, I could not cure his drinking.
- They call that the 3 C's.
You are grieving a loss, a death of a relationship. Maybe check out some reading on the process of grief. May help to understand what to expect physically and emotionally as you move forward. And you will move forward. Be patient.
Glad to hear you have a counsellor, someone to work things through with. That's great
Alice
Someone wise here told me to remember that I made the choices I made in my relationship with the information I had at the time. It helped me.
Back then, I did not know that the disease of alcoholism is progressive.
I did not know that I could not have any control over his drinking (I thought if I gave him a safe environment without booze he'd be sober).
I did not understand that I didn't cause his drinking (his inability to cope emotionally from childhood started him drinking, I was just a typical excuse of the day).
And despite all my love and support, I could not cure his drinking.
- They call that the 3 C's.
You are grieving a loss, a death of a relationship. Maybe check out some reading on the process of grief. May help to understand what to expect physically and emotionally as you move forward. And you will move forward. Be patient.
Glad to hear you have a counsellor, someone to work things through with. That's great
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Alcoholism is horrible and I feel sorry for every person hurting because of it.
So true Safetygirl. It is hurtful and a living hell when it progresses - and it always does. I know you hurt ,but good for you that you did not wait years and years - (like most of us did) trying to fix the situation.
Be kind to yourself as you walk through the pain of the death of this relationship. It does get easier.
HUGS
So true Safetygirl. It is hurtful and a living hell when it progresses - and it always does. I know you hurt ,but good for you that you did not wait years and years - (like most of us did) trying to fix the situation.
Be kind to yourself as you walk through the pain of the death of this relationship. It does get easier.
HUGS
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