Bail them out of jail or let them stay??
Psalm 118:24
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Bail them out of jail or let them stay??
My son just got his second DUI and a revoked in 2 months time. This makes the third one in a little over 2 years. He called his sister and she bailed him out. I was furious at her for bailing him out. He's still out on bail for the other DUI.
It believe it would've been better for him to stay in jail a few days to stare at the walls of the jail cell to have time to think about where he was and what his drinking is doing to him.
I'm open to all feedback I can get from this. I felt like I'd been gut shot after hearing he was arrested agin for the second time in 2 months
It believe it would've been better for him to stay in jail a few days to stare at the walls of the jail cell to have time to think about where he was and what his drinking is doing to him.
I'm open to all feedback I can get from this. I felt like I'd been gut shot after hearing he was arrested agin for the second time in 2 months
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
****{Zing}}}
You know, he may well be seeing plenty of jail walls
if he was already out on bail on one dui
and got another.
Montana is about to crack
and crack down HARD on dui.
I'm a 'stay' kinda mom.
I chose a harsh harsh way
but it was the only way I knew at the time.
Did you say someplace
and I missed it
that he's seeking recovery?
You know, he may well be seeing plenty of jail walls
if he was already out on bail on one dui
and got another.
Montana is about to crack
and crack down HARD on dui.
I'm a 'stay' kinda mom.
I chose a harsh harsh way
but it was the only way I knew at the time.
Did you say someplace
and I missed it
that he's seeking recovery?
Psalm 118:24
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I had him go with me to a few meetings the first DUI. After he got the second on a month back he was feeling guilt and mentioned going with me to a meeting. Tonight all I said was you know, you'll probably do jail time.
Harsh as this sounds, I'd rather him in jail then driving and killing himself or someone
Harsh as this sounds, I'd rather him in jail then driving and killing himself or someone
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,869
Sorry your son is making such bad choices. I agree with you that him sitting in jail for a while might give him a dose of reality, but then again, maybe not. It's good that you're not running to save him. As you know, he needs to face the consequences of his actions.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I agree with don't bail them out.
After my AH's first (while we were married) DUI, I bailed him out. I was furious cause it was Easter morning (I did make him wait till morning)....I would o let him sit there if it was not a holiday, I was clueless about what to tell the kids.
When he got his second (during our marriage actually his 4th) I let him sit. There were a lot of other factors involved...but I was not about to bail him out. My Inlaw's did. I wasn't happy about it....and well they weren't happy with me for not telling them sooner he was in jail.
You know he will get help when he reaches his bottom .....
After my AH's first (while we were married) DUI, I bailed him out. I was furious cause it was Easter morning (I did make him wait till morning)....I would o let him sit there if it was not a holiday, I was clueless about what to tell the kids.
When he got his second (during our marriage actually his 4th) I let him sit. There were a lot of other factors involved...but I was not about to bail him out. My Inlaw's did. I wasn't happy about it....and well they weren't happy with me for not telling them sooner he was in jail.
You know he will get help when he reaches his bottom .....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I used to work myself into a frenzy when my parents were enabling the crap out of my AD.
It did nothing but make me ill in every sense of the word, and didn't change the situation one single bit.
I have to be careful about assuming that I know what's best for someone else.
In looking back over my life, one of the greatest blessings of my life was the 5 year period with my EXAH where I lived in fear and was beaten on a daily basis unless he was gone on one of his drug runs.
Why is that a blessing?
It's a blessing because that was the catalyst that finally brought me to my knees in my addictions/alcoholism, and I sought help.
That man is dead now, but you know what? He was there when I needed him the most.
He was instrumental in my finding recovery.
You don't know what God's big plan is for your son, or your daughter for that matter.
What may appear to be the worst possible scenario right now may turn out to be a blessing down the road.
At some point, if you don't start applying the 12 steps to your codependency issues and extricating yourself emotionally/financially/etc from your adult children, you will eventually find yourself standing on the precipice of throwing away your own recovery.
Been there, done that, got that t-shirt.
Thank God I made the choice to let go rather than drink again.
Courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I used to work myself into a frenzy when my parents were enabling the crap out of my AD.
It did nothing but make me ill in every sense of the word, and didn't change the situation one single bit.
I have to be careful about assuming that I know what's best for someone else.
In looking back over my life, one of the greatest blessings of my life was the 5 year period with my EXAH where I lived in fear and was beaten on a daily basis unless he was gone on one of his drug runs.
Why is that a blessing?
It's a blessing because that was the catalyst that finally brought me to my knees in my addictions/alcoholism, and I sought help.
That man is dead now, but you know what? He was there when I needed him the most.
He was instrumental in my finding recovery.
You don't know what God's big plan is for your son, or your daughter for that matter.
What may appear to be the worst possible scenario right now may turn out to be a blessing down the road.
At some point, if you don't start applying the 12 steps to your codependency issues and extricating yourself emotionally/financially/etc from your adult children, you will eventually find yourself standing on the precipice of throwing away your own recovery.
Been there, done that, got that t-shirt.
Thank God I made the choice to let go rather than drink again.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Sorry to hear about this Zing. I imagine it would be much more difficult to detach from my own children. Your daughters choice will only postpone the inevitable and I don't think she did your son any favors, but that choice is hers to own not yours. I'm trying to focus on the father hood philosophy of offering a hand up but not a hand out. Challenging as it is at times, that's what I'm going for. Good luck!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Sounds like your HP is giving your son plenty of wake-up calls, but he is rolling over and covering his head so he doesn't have to hear them. Sorry that is happening but hopefully soon he will get the wake-up call he cannot ignore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 617
Sorry to learn of this, Chris. I'll being praying for you both. Apparently your son has some lessons to learn concerning alcohol ( like we ALL did), & I wouldn't get in the way. Sounds like a forced rehab may be coming up, & maybe something positive can come out of this..................
Psalm 118:24
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
thanks buddy
I don't know if, he needs to go talk to the VA for counselling or what. One of his Sgt's got blown to bits by a road side bomb over in Afghanistan. I know they took them a while to gather the body parts up.
Send the boys and girls to war they come back a different person
I don't know if, he needs to go talk to the VA for counselling or what. One of his Sgt's got blown to bits by a road side bomb over in Afghanistan. I know they took them a while to gather the body parts up.
Send the boys and girls to war they come back a different person
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I guess I'm jaded and becoming an ice princess (as in frozen heart) didn't even read your post, just skipped right to leave them in jail. If I had it to do over again, I'd have let him sit in jail all four times. One time I simply couldn't bail his sorry butt out and I'm glad he had to sit in there and detox for 10+ days.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I've done both Zing - bailed a brother out, and then refused to bail him out the next time. It was hard for me both times - I felt such horror about the dishonor of arrest and jail, about the "what if had kiled someone, etc."., and then the disappointment when he didn't seek recovery for real...the second time I did not bail him out - but he got a friend to do it anyway and he lost his license for 2 yrs, did the state mandated alcohol education, and he's been on and off between AA and plastered for going on a year 1/2 now.
Try to let it all go. It is all just his destiny and he knows where to go now for help and guidance. I would just stay out of the way. And don't be too hard on sister....I've been that sister, in denial, desperate to believe (like any normie!) that being busted is ENOUGH to make a person want to get straight. I had a lot to learn and it all came to me in time.
I always thought because of our childhood and what we went through with A dad that none of us would become As. But 3/5 did. And then when I accepted they were alcoholics I thought - well dad got sober and made an amazing recovery so they will choose that too - it is so OBVIOUS! But no, their paths and choices have been entirely their own.
AlAnon helped me learn how to really let it all go.
(((((((hugs)))))))
peace-
b
Try to let it all go. It is all just his destiny and he knows where to go now for help and guidance. I would just stay out of the way. And don't be too hard on sister....I've been that sister, in denial, desperate to believe (like any normie!) that being busted is ENOUGH to make a person want to get straight. I had a lot to learn and it all came to me in time.
I always thought because of our childhood and what we went through with A dad that none of us would become As. But 3/5 did. And then when I accepted they were alcoholics I thought - well dad got sober and made an amazing recovery so they will choose that too - it is so OBVIOUS! But no, their paths and choices have been entirely their own.
AlAnon helped me learn how to really let it all go.
(((((((hugs)))))))
peace-
b
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses for him but I was thinking heck if he's been to Afghanistan and seen things like you describe, something like going to jail a couple nights for DWI probably would not phase him as much as say, me, who hasn't seen Or experienced things like that before. Not sure what my point is other than he'll get to it when he gets to it and not a moment sooner. What seems obvious to us not so obvious to him
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
My son has a similar history... 3 DWI's in the last few years... 2 of them in the last year. He's 26. On a downward spiral.
I've never bailed him out. I pray for him each night.
His father is also an alcoholic, and my son has seen with his own eyes what it does, and yet he has chosen the same path. My son has not followed through with any of the court ordered treatment, never bothered to get help... said he doesn't need it. He's never paid his fines. He has no license to drive, but drives anyway. The court gives him a slap on the wrist, and out the door he goes! I too worry that he'll kill or maim someone, but I am powerless to do anything about it. He lost his first vehicle, the court took it as he didn't pay his fine. But, then his father (my XAH) stepped in and purchased him a new truck! What a guy!!!!
Nothing I can do about it all. I feel shame about it (his record), although I know I should not. But because he's my son, I do.
I dread the phone call that one day will come.
I've never bailed him out. I pray for him each night.
His father is also an alcoholic, and my son has seen with his own eyes what it does, and yet he has chosen the same path. My son has not followed through with any of the court ordered treatment, never bothered to get help... said he doesn't need it. He's never paid his fines. He has no license to drive, but drives anyway. The court gives him a slap on the wrist, and out the door he goes! I too worry that he'll kill or maim someone, but I am powerless to do anything about it. He lost his first vehicle, the court took it as he didn't pay his fine. But, then his father (my XAH) stepped in and purchased him a new truck! What a guy!!!!
Nothing I can do about it all. I feel shame about it (his record), although I know I should not. But because he's my son, I do.
I dread the phone call that one day will come.
Psalm 118:24
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by isurvived 
Nothing I can do about it all. I feel shame about it (his record), although I know I should not. But because he's my son, I do.
I dread the phone call that one day will come.
Every parents night mare . You raise them the best you can and pray they live longer then you do
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
thanks buddy
I don't know if, he needs to go talk to the VA for counselling or what. One of his Sgt's got blown to bits by a road side bomb over in Afghanistan. I know they took them a while to gather the body parts up.
Send the boys and girls to war they come back a different person
I don't know if, he needs to go talk to the VA for counselling or what. One of his Sgt's got blown to bits by a road side bomb over in Afghanistan. I know they took them a while to gather the body parts up.
Send the boys and girls to war they come back a different person
Remember you can not control whether he gets counceling or not. He must do it on his own. You can suggest it, just once while he is sober, then let go and let God.
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