TakingCharge999

Has anyone lost contacts or friends due to being depressed and not calling them anymore?

I went to a holiday with a girl from work and had a good time.. then I didn't talk to her (or almost anyone) for months due to my moving, dramas, and didn't feel lilke socializing with anyone...


Today I asked her if it was late to retake the friendship and she answered "do you need something? i am too busy".

Ouch.

I told her that sorry I had put some distance but some months were rough. But that I understood. She answered "bye".


Ugh, now the codie in me is worrying about how she thinks I'm not a good person, or only contacted her when I needed something... I recall asking her if I could move to her house when I was desperate to find a new place...


A kick on the gut.

TakingCharge999

But its understandable I guess.

Ceres

"do you need something? i am too busy".

That seems so trite. Not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who lacks empathy! I just couldn't imagine not giving anyone a chance to let me know what was bothering them in the first place. I'd be more concerned, not mad.

I got "dumped" by an art buddy. She decided not to go to AA anymore and didn't want to associate with anyone involved in it.

As if I have NO individuality!

ItsmeAlice

You are right TC that it is a kick in the gut, but let me remind you that any friend worth having is a friend who wouldn't have that response.

I have reconnected with friends that I have spoken to for years. I told them of my issues since we last spoke, not in dramatic detail but enough to let them know that it was more than just a minor set back in life. They were understanding not dismissive.

Maybe you are being given a gift here. You did not know her that well before dropping off her radar it seems, and she wasn't exactly rushing to track you down all this time. My thought is that she is not the understanding type and does not have time for
anyone not focusing on her friendship. She's not for you, move on.

Just my thought on it.

Alice

nodaybut2day

A while ago, I decided to STOP running after people who obviously had no time or interest for me. I spent years doing that, as a raging codie, wanting desperately to be liked and approved of.

I became friends with a mama at a local mommy café when my DD was little. We had get-together just the two of us (+ babies) and then one get-together with our husbands in tow. Once I left XAH, she didn't have time for me...guess she wasn't into hanging out with a single mama.

"Meh" to your former friend. That was just plain rude.

CAPTAINZING2000

Did she try and contact you when, you were isolating??

coffeedrinker

I know that some people who are very needy do tend to make contact when they want something from a person they think can provide it. Someone in family fits this charaterization and it causes her parents hurt. Only you can assess if that may be true with you.

We all have "issues". You had some troubles and were stuck for awhile. She obviously does as well, as I see it. Like all of us, she has the right to decide exactly what kind of people she wants to have in her life. But the manner in which she responded to you was flat-out wrong. You were out of contact for awhile. Sheeesh even if you stood her up at the coffee shop one day, that does not warrant being treated so abruptly, and in my opinion, cruelly, by you.

It must hurt to be dismissed like this - it sure would me. But you were in a bad way - a true friend would say "well, it bummed me out and I guess I was even mad at you, but I am sorry you were in a sucky place - I wish you would have called me."

Ya know what I'm thinkin?

"with friends like that.....?"

CAPTAINZING2000

There is another side to the coin. She could really be swamped at work which is the case now days at most work places. People are let go with people remaining picking up the slack.

Nice you reminded me of this and to make sure I don't get cross with someone at work and at home!!

BuffaloGal

I have lost friends due to periods of self isolation, but I tended to never try to get in contact with them again because I was too ashamed of myself.

More recently, I have, and it's gone well. It sounds to me like you just found a bad apple that way-- even if she is busy, even if she doesn't want to continue the friendship, she behaved rudely. It is not a reflection on you. Hope it goes better next time.

Kittyboo

I have lost touch with a couple of people this past year. This was a VERY difficult time for me, and there were a couple who I thought would be there for me, and they really weren't as supportive as I wanted them to be.
Not their fault! And I know that my recovery is in my own hands.

I will say that in this time I have really come to understand the difference between friends and aquaintances. I used to think I had many friends, I don't. I have many aquaintances, and a few friends. And I am so fortunate to have those friends.

I have lost friends in the past due to my actions or due to theirs.
I have had that same thought too,,,,"I hope they don't think I am only talking to them when I need something!"

Sometimes we lose touch with people. And those who are my friends, are there even after a certain period has passed.
I do think how she responded to you was incredibly rude. I would use this time to start reflecting on the friends you have and appreciate them, and take some focus off of her.

That's what I have done recently. And there is always a good feeling that comes when I realize how lucky I am to have the friends who wouldn't hang up on me when I reach out.
My former best friend years ago lost it one night and out of nowhere accused her husband and I of fooling around ( We did NOT, btw) but she had a lot of issues herself, and I know that. I sent her a very forward email about how betrayed I felt. She was truly someone who I considered my best friend. We have never spoken again. She is still with her husband.
Looking back, I realized how toxic my relationship with her was. She is a great spirit, but very emotionally detached from people, and was a partier. She was in my life for a reason. And though sometimes I miss our chats, I realize she is out of my life for a reason as well. I was always there for her, she was never there for me. In hindsight, she was not my best friend.
People pass through our lives every year, some are here for a short time, a longer time or forever. Her time in your life may be up. And just maybe now, you are better off without her.

CAPTAINZING2000

Pretty much sums it up!

TakingCharge999

Oh its not "a kick on the gut" but "in the gut"... ugh.. never learned well when to use "in" and "on" in school LOL


Thanks a lot for your replies. They really help!

And yes, I now remember sometimes she reached out to me and I was also busy then, our jobs are quite stressful so sometimes I did not reply to the chat very quickly or when I could see them she was already offline...

Anyway now that I am trying to "get out of my cave" again I really need to choose better. I just read an email from a close friend, friends since high school. I lived with her for a while, when I was going out with XABF, she met him, she couldn't believe what he did either, XABF called her crying once telling her he was an idiot for ruining what we had... the Jekyll in him also considered her a close friend once. She was great support through it all.....

In her email she says "haven't heard from you in a while, we got to chat about many things.... sending you hugs!" ok THAT is a FRIEND!

I am going to see a film with another friend this afternoon..... yup, another one that I don't have much contact with for more than a year and we come back and hug and chat as if we saw each other yesterday....


Thank you for your support ((have a good weekend))

barb dwyer

Well, she might have been more deeply hurt than you think.

Not everyone is trying to improve their skills with other people
so that might have been the best she could do.
Remeber that when most people get hurt-
just like children - (or animals)
they strike out.
HUMANS... reach out.

But the majority of the world neither knows or cares about that.



Everyone has a limit.
A limit of what they'll take -
and a limit of what they'll give.

CAPTAINZING2000

I believe we get back what we give, in a healthy friendship.

I'm thankful my friends aren't a mirror image of myself. I might not like if they were!

barb dwyer

The point is -

even when I was my sickest year before last...
i'd go for DAYS not speaking to anyone
because i simply didn't have the strength...

but there were several people
I would contact IMMEDIATELY when I was well enough to.

Those people - I call 'friends' to this day.
I'd apologize right off the bat if everything I said
after sayng hello -
was self-absorbed or depressing ...LOL
But the point is -
*I* made the effort and contacted them
even though I thought I may well DIE while doing it.

While I agree about the friends and aquaintence thing...

WE have to take the effort ... to keep lines open as well.

Because others get hurt too.

barb dwyer

The point is -

even when I was my sickest year before last...
i'd go for DAYS not speaking to anyone
because i simply didn't have the strength...

but there were several people
I would contact IMMEDIATELY when I was well enough to.

Those people - I call 'friends' to this day.
I'd apologize right off the bat if everything I said
after sayng hello -
was self-absorbed or depressing ...LOL
But the point is -
*I* made the effort and contacted them
even though I thought I may well DIE while doing it.

While I agree about the friends and aquaintence thing...

WE have to take the effort ... to keep lines open as well.

Because others get hurt too.

TakingCharge999

Maybe some people need more frequent "keepalive messages"..... then are others like me that can hear nothing from someone then meet them again with joy not rudeness.... I don't have a "timer".... if someone calls me great, if not its because they are busy doing their own thing.

But yes, I remember she was nice to me a couple of times and I may have appeared rude myself then... I own my part. At least now she knows I am here if she still feels like chatting... but I'm not holding my breath...

alanonicnov2008

Could it be that your friendships might have reflected where you were in recovery and that this might be one of the less mature ones?

I don't think distancing should be punished in a friendship with good boundaries. Particularly if this friend knows what you've been through.

I have friends contact me out of the blue and I always feel happy to hear from them, they are friends, not my crutch, or my spouse.

Now, if this was a romantic interest that is different. The chemistry does wear off if it is starved.

TakingCharge999

Thanks alanonic. This was a girl friend who divorced just before I met her.. she knew me at my very worst! Yes I met 2 other people at work at that time and they are my allies 100%, one is a psychologist and the other one is also into self improvement stuff so no surprise there. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.......

As it is I just erased her and her friends from Facebook.
I also had some contacts there that I hadn't erased because "I would look harsh"

Well one used to be a coworker that always treated me as if I was stupid. And I don't think she lost sleep wondering if she "looked harsh"

There was also a guy I met in university, when I told him I was back to his city and wanted to meet he said "send me a picture of you" like hinting if I was not "pretty enough for him" he wouldn't make the effort. Never sent the pic or anything else. DELETE!

I also deleted coworkers that know XBF and for some reason think I am "one of the guys" and send me sexist jokes in their emails, I also blocked them from hotmail.

Feels good.
Thanks a lot for your perspective.

transformyself

This is one of my favorite topics. Low maintenance versus high maintenance friends.

I sometimes do not return calls for weeks due to work, kids, obsessing about AH, whatever. I don't send anyone pictures of my kids, not even my family. I don't remember birthdays or anniversaries. And I have so many people wanting attention from me, or my time, that I often go into isolation mode just to have time to myself and get work done.

But I'm also a very present, loving, attentive friend in many many ways.

There are folks who take issue with that, and when they do, i give them the "I am a Bad Friend" speach. I"m clear about what I can, or am willing, to do and what I can't or am not willing to do. I"ve ended several budding friendships early because of expectation I cannot meet. It's my choice, and I recommend you take that same view of what's happened here.

In my world, you should be able to give each other space and still care about each other. That being said, if someone calls me and says, "I need to talk to you," I prioritize that. If possible, I am there when folks need me.

If I can't reach someone, even for a few days, do you know what I think? I think they're busy and wait for them to get back to me. I don't resent them or feel slighted and I expect the same from my friends. I've has some friends act more like jeaous girlfriends than I care to count. It's frustrating and I can't relate to it.


I do not have friendships with people whose expectations I cannot meet. We all have different needs. I do my b est to be there for folks, but my "real" friends know that:

I"m a single parent and need about two weeks time to set a lunch date. No, I can't jet off to the bar with you tonight because I don't have childcare and I"m on deadllne.

I do not answer my phone 75% of the time because I"m also a new business owner and spend my time on the freaking phone with work.

There will be long periods of time when I am unavailable and working on work, my life, etc.

My advice:
If someone resents you for taking space, or can't let you be yourself without having issues about it, or doesn't want you having other friends, or is resentful when you're succesful at something they want to, then that's not the kind of friendship you need or want anyway, is it?

Yes, you may have offended her. Did you mean to? You can apologize-ONCE-and move on. Then recognize that you don't want to be "friends" with someone when you don't both have the same view of friendship. The same needs or expectations. Don't beat yourself up. Don't be upset with her for not wanting to hang out with you. Acceptance is your friend!

There are bazillions of people in this world. Many, many of them will love you for who you are and be better matches for you.