How did you start focusing on yourself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
How did you start focusing on yourself
Just curious. I dont want to rent him any more space in my head and I have a great therapist and alanon but looking for experiences how some of you finally let go and started thinking about yourself?
Truthfully, I know very little about who I am or what I want and even if I did know that changes day to day.
Trying to keep my emotions in check is a full time job these days.
I was just wondering how you made your self discovry without adding them to that mix?
Thanks everyone
Truthfully, I know very little about who I am or what I want and even if I did know that changes day to day.
Trying to keep my emotions in check is a full time job these days.
I was just wondering how you made your self discovry without adding them to that mix?
Thanks everyone
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
What I did was slowly start doing new things. I went to a concert, a couple of plays. I signed up for a class at the local community college. I attended a few city council meetings to find out what was going on in my town, lol. Some things I did turned out to be duds. Things I didn't want to do again. Some things turned out to be wonderful. Ballroom dance lessons, for one. You never know until you try.
L
You never know until you try. L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I'm a former dancer, so I started going to tango dancing again, once a week. I started doing some basic yoga sun salutations every morning, while my DD was asleep.
I started journaling on the Step Study questions Cat's Pyjamas posted. I repeated the serenity prayer a lot when things got dicey with XAH. I posted on SR *A LOT*.
I re-read "The Artist's Way" and started doing a daily walk at lunchtime, and a weekly "artist's date" with myself. I read books, knitted a scarf, watched movies, baked, spent time with my little girl, reconnected with friends, and slowly remembered what it was like to be me.
I started journaling on the Step Study questions Cat's Pyjamas posted. I repeated the serenity prayer a lot when things got dicey with XAH. I posted on SR *A LOT*.
I re-read "The Artist's Way" and started doing a daily walk at lunchtime, and a weekly "artist's date" with myself. I read books, knitted a scarf, watched movies, baked, spent time with my little girl, reconnected with friends, and slowly remembered what it was like to be me.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I remember when I skydived, hard not to think about myself during the free fall... hard to wonder if XABF was or not eating corn flakes, LOL. Theater lessons, hard to wonder whatever about someone when you are supposed to be a male pirate seducing a slave!! yes, new activities... I also started dance lessons and it has been a life saver....
"Get out of the closet" oh and also what helps me most is this...
Giving thoughtful presents to people who have been there for you all the time, know you and love you.
A friend has a dragon as a powerful symbol for him.. so I am now on a quest to find a cool dragon and paint it and ship it to his home. A woman helped me being our financial backup, so what would make her smile? perhaps flowers and call her and see if she wants to go for some tea. I know dad misses me? well I send him a lenghty email with details about my life.... My cat seems bored? I learn how to make a toy and play. There is an empty space on my front door available? I look for something inspirational that speaks to ME, to fill that space and welcome me when I arrive.... I also got bamboo plants and it feels good to water them and see them greener and greener each day.
I have found that is my "codieness and need to give" channeled into something healthier and more creative and fulfilling.
"Get out of the closet"
oh and also what helps me most is this...Giving thoughtful presents to people who have been there for you all the time, know you and love you.
A friend has a dragon as a powerful symbol for him.. so I am now on a quest to find a cool dragon and paint it and ship it to his home. A woman helped me being our financial backup, so what would make her smile? perhaps flowers and call her and see if she wants to go for some tea. I know dad misses me? well I send him a lenghty email with details about my life.... My cat seems bored? I learn how to make a toy and play. There is an empty space on my front door available? I look for something inspirational that speaks to ME, to fill that space and welcome me when I arrive.... I also got bamboo plants and it feels good to water them and see them greener and greener each day.
I have found that is my "codieness and need to give" channeled into something healthier and more creative and fulfilling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I took a yoga class. Started some home interior decorating and was suprised at how much fun it was. It made my house come alive again and I felt better in the space. Started to take my dog for walks more regularly and still do. He loves it.
The good thing is, after I started to focus on me and what I enjoy out of life, I was focusing less and less on what the A was up to. I know I will never go back to that person who put way too much energy in trying to save an A from themselves. Life is too short!
The good thing is, after I started to focus on me and what I enjoy out of life, I was focusing less and less on what the A was up to. I know I will never go back to that person who put way too much energy in trying to save an A from themselves. Life is too short!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I had started focusing on my health before I came here and began recovery related to addiction. I picked things I wanted to change for the better and pursued those first. I quit smoking. I started eating better and worked on my binge eating. I started finding exercises that I liked to do.
Between work, working out, caring for my pets, and learning to cook new recipes, I was pretty busy during the week. My trouble came on the weekends. That is when XABF would be drinking the heaviest and I had more free time to obsess over it.
I thought back to things I used to do before we met and remembered that I used to like going to movies...a lot. We went together to the movies only a few times in our 10+ years together because he got so agitated over it. I understand now it was having to go all that time without drinking that made it unbearable for him.
So I started slipping off to movies when I could afford to. I also took my dogs to local parks. I went to the public library to read or to the mall just to window shop and people watch.
Before long, I felt more inspired by just getting out to do more for myself. I also found myself less and less distracted with thoughts of EX and what he was or wasn't doing at home with his many bottles of beer.
It's been said here before, "fake it till you make it." I think that's true when it comes to focusing on ourselves. We might not be sure how to do it so if we try acting the way others do by getting out in the world and trying new things, we'll catch on to what we really need and want as we go along.
Alice
Between work, working out, caring for my pets, and learning to cook new recipes, I was pretty busy during the week. My trouble came on the weekends. That is when XABF would be drinking the heaviest and I had more free time to obsess over it.
I thought back to things I used to do before we met and remembered that I used to like going to movies...a lot. We went together to the movies only a few times in our 10+ years together because he got so agitated over it. I understand now it was having to go all that time without drinking that made it unbearable for him.
So I started slipping off to movies when I could afford to. I also took my dogs to local parks. I went to the public library to read or to the mall just to window shop and people watch.
Before long, I felt more inspired by just getting out to do more for myself. I also found myself less and less distracted with thoughts of EX and what he was or wasn't doing at home with his many bottles of beer.
It's been said here before, "fake it till you make it." I think that's true when it comes to focusing on ourselves. We might not be sure how to do it so if we try acting the way others do by getting out in the world and trying new things, we'll catch on to what we really need and want as we go along.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 11
Well, I had to figure out who I was first. What I became was a single dad and knowing that my daughter's health and happiness where the most important things in my life. I then dedicated myself to making a wonderful home for her. I then did things that I would never do for myself, like going to Disneyland or even the local zoo. My daughter became a way to focus all this pent up energy and angst and to channel it in a productive, healthy way. But on a personal day to day level, I would try things I would normally wouldn't do.
I accepted invitations to events that I normally wouldn't go to and started to leave my comfort zone. I would try new foods that I wouldn't normally try. Little things go a long way. I am much more comfortable with who I am now versus who I thought I was.
The most important thing I could tell you is to channel your energy in a positive way. Good luck on your journey.
I accepted invitations to events that I normally wouldn't go to and started to leave my comfort zone. I would try new foods that I wouldn't normally try. Little things go a long way. I am much more comfortable with who I am now versus who I thought I was.
The most important thing I could tell you is to channel your energy in a positive way. Good luck on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I find creative pursuits helpful channelling the creativity within. Doesn't mean you have to be good at it, thats not the point. Scrapbooking, painting, cooking, digital photography with a camera and computer, sewing, kniting.
Getting moving, get physical. Put on some shoe and go for a walk out side. Walking in new places.
I love the local library because I love reading and its free free free!
Break your routine. Go to a different coffee shop. Try a different supermarket.
I would accept invitations even if I wasn't really interested because I found out of habit I had refused more and more just becasue I couldn't be bothered.
My personal favourite and I have really embraced this to the max is self pampering.
I regularly get personal treatments that serve no purpose other than make me feel good about myself. And it does not have to cost much.
I do something every week and love the self indulgence of spending a little money on myself.
Week 1 New hair cut
Week 2 Eyebrow wax (cheap as chips )
Week 3 Pedicure
Week 4 Colour my own hair
Week 5 "Other waxing"
Week 6 Time for another brow wax, hmm lets throw in a tint as well
Week 7 A new lipstick
Week 8 Hair trim, yes please to the blow dry!
You deserve it!!!
If money is short you can barter with a friend. trade maincure or pedicures
A bath with bubbles and candles is a cheap weekly treat too.
Indulge in yourself, love and pamper yourself as you would a lover.
Getting moving, get physical. Put on some shoe and go for a walk out side. Walking in new places.
I love the local library because I love reading and its free free free!
Break your routine. Go to a different coffee shop. Try a different supermarket.
I would accept invitations even if I wasn't really interested because I found out of habit I had refused more and more just becasue I couldn't be bothered.
My personal favourite and I have really embraced this to the max is self pampering.
I regularly get personal treatments that serve no purpose other than make me feel good about myself. And it does not have to cost much.
I do something every week and love the self indulgence of spending a little money on myself.
Week 1 New hair cut
Week 2 Eyebrow wax (cheap as chips )
Week 3 Pedicure
Week 4 Colour my own hair
Week 5 "Other waxing"
Week 6 Time for another brow wax, hmm lets throw in a tint as well
Week 7 A new lipstick
Week 8 Hair trim, yes please to the blow dry!
You deserve it!!!
If money is short you can barter with a friend. trade maincure or pedicures
A bath with bubbles and candles is a cheap weekly treat too.
Indulge in yourself, love and pamper yourself as you would a lover.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Took a lot of art, music, dance and yoga classes. Practiced being comfortable doing things alone. Went to college to get a degree so I could support myself financially. Went to al-anon meetings. Kept myself OUT of my comfort zone as much as possible-learned how to shake things up in order to prevent myself from falling back into my old ways.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Lulu-
It was a foreign concept completely with me.
So I began by printing out -
"If you were your best friend, would you let anyone treat you this way?"
and put one copy on the frige
the other on the bathroom wall beside the mirror.
I mean - I had to even get the CONCEPT first,
before I did anything about it.
But that one saying,
that ****{Stone}}}
sent me one day
hit me in the right place.
So I began trying to do things
as if *I* was my best friend.
Kinda letting myself ... go codie... on myself.
I was also very VERY sick.
And I think it may have been a SPIRITUAL lesson at the same time.
So Little by little -
things like -
Eat real food.
Sounds singularly patronizing if you already include taking care
of yourself along with breathing and bathing.
But for people like us -
taking care of the Self is NOT an automatic response.
So I started looking at organic stuff
and laying off meat...
because we just don't KNOW what that stuff's been doing.
Getting my hair done.
I LITERALLY take that as a form of mental health now.
POInt is -
it's a one thing at a time thing.
Maybe get your nails done.
Buy clothing right from the retailer -
I've worn second hand clothes for over ten years now.
And let that one thing ...
resonate.
Make it your conscious intention
that you are doing this for yourself.
It was a foreign concept completely with me.
So I began by printing out -
"If you were your best friend, would you let anyone treat you this way?"
and put one copy on the frige
the other on the bathroom wall beside the mirror.
I mean - I had to even get the CONCEPT first,
before I did anything about it.
But that one saying,
that ****{Stone}}}
sent me one day
hit me in the right place.
So I began trying to do things
as if *I* was my best friend.
Kinda letting myself ... go codie... on myself.
I was also very VERY sick.
And I think it may have been a SPIRITUAL lesson at the same time.
So Little by little -
things like -
Eat real food.
Sounds singularly patronizing if you already include taking care
of yourself along with breathing and bathing.
But for people like us -
taking care of the Self is NOT an automatic response.
So I started looking at organic stuff
and laying off meat...
because we just don't KNOW what that stuff's been doing.
Getting my hair done.
I LITERALLY take that as a form of mental health now.
POInt is -
it's a one thing at a time thing.
Maybe get your nails done.
Buy clothing right from the retailer -
I've worn second hand clothes for over ten years now.
And let that one thing ...
resonate.
Make it your conscious intention
that you are doing this for yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Great thread! Lots of good ideas.
For me, I try to keep busy. I don't do well if my house isn't in order. I've started taking it a room @ a time cleaning, organizing etc. First the upstairs, then the downstairs, then the basement. Next is out in the garage, after that the yard needs tending to from winters havoc, next is the shed.
I agree about the manicures, pedicures, hair, new clothes, library etc. These are ALL on my list of things to do. Things that I have let go by the wayside. My divorce will be final on Monday. I've already been asked out 2x. Feels good, but I am in no shape to, nor do I want to go down that road for a long while. That kinda motivates me to keep moving forward. Keep the focus off of AH. Gives me a glimmer of hope that there IS life after addiction.
Keep the focus on you, your things and what you need to do for you.
For me, I try to keep busy. I don't do well if my house isn't in order. I've started taking it a room @ a time cleaning, organizing etc. First the upstairs, then the downstairs, then the basement. Next is out in the garage, after that the yard needs tending to from winters havoc, next is the shed.
I agree about the manicures, pedicures, hair, new clothes, library etc. These are ALL on my list of things to do. Things that I have let go by the wayside. My divorce will be final on Monday. I've already been asked out 2x. Feels good, but I am in no shape to, nor do I want to go down that road for a long while. That kinda motivates me to keep moving forward. Keep the focus off of AH. Gives me a glimmer of hope that there IS life after addiction.
Keep the focus on you, your things and what you need to do for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
I adore flowers... so I've been planning a new flower garden for this year... I've collected gardening magazines... joined a garden club and have been looking at beautiful garden photos on the web (doesn't cost anything to look)... and you can start a "friends garden"... you swap out some of your flowers for some of your friends flowers and then plant them and watch them grow and make new friends too.
I find it extremely satisfying to tend to plants and watch them bloom... I know there's a lesson in that somewhere :day6
I find it extremely satisfying to tend to plants and watch them bloom... I know there's a lesson in that somewhere :day6
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I did something different from others I think after reading all the posts (which were great!)
I started making changes while living with my active A at the time - I made a decision after one really stressful vacation that I would listen to my instincts and support my own opinions with action. That meant sometimes setting firm boundaries about what I would or would not do and what behaviors I would be around or not be around. For all the ranting, I found it interesting that my husband actually found a way to accept those limits and it rarely came up again.
Setting limits to support my beliefs then allowed me to do things I would not have done before ( as I was trying to be supportive of him). I started doing many things without him which he didn't like but at least I didn't miss things anymore.
I actually discovered some new things and made some very good changes for myself - which I still do now that we are not together. I will never know if I would be at this place or not with myself, feeling more confident and peaceful if I hadn't learn to support my beliefs with action. I do this in other areas of my life which made my job easier for me and my friendships easier and I guess I do a better job with finances. My work was internal. I didn't so much do new activities as changed my inner core.
I started making changes while living with my active A at the time - I made a decision after one really stressful vacation that I would listen to my instincts and support my own opinions with action. That meant sometimes setting firm boundaries about what I would or would not do and what behaviors I would be around or not be around. For all the ranting, I found it interesting that my husband actually found a way to accept those limits and it rarely came up again.
Setting limits to support my beliefs then allowed me to do things I would not have done before ( as I was trying to be supportive of him). I started doing many things without him which he didn't like but at least I didn't miss things anymore.
I actually discovered some new things and made some very good changes for myself - which I still do now that we are not together. I will never know if I would be at this place or not with myself, feeling more confident and peaceful if I hadn't learn to support my beliefs with action. I do this in other areas of my life which made my job easier for me and my friendships easier and I guess I do a better job with finances. My work was internal. I didn't so much do new activities as changed my inner core.
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