Lindzali

Hi there, I've been lurking for a while...since I discovered that my live in boyfriend is a hopeless alcoholic. It's a long story, but we've been together over two years and moved in together six months ago. During this time not only has his alcoholism become apparent to me but it has escalated at an alarming rate. At the beginning he was hiding it pretty well...now, I come home to him passed out on the bed. Every. Freaking. Day. He doesn't have a job anymore...I could go through the details, but they would sound familiar to every other post on this board. Alcoholism turned him into a different person...a pathalogical liar, a bum, etc. Anyway, he's pretty much a shell. His family lives across the country so I can't just plead that SOMEONE who cares about him come 'collect' him....but now I'm stuck (literally) with him.

I've told him repeatedly it's over (we've had numerous 'our relationship is over if you don't get help' talks and he's completely and utterly broken his promises every time) but he refuses to leave. I feel so helpless. I read about 'detachment' and I'm TOTALLY on board (I've seen the absolute WOST of this person and honestly have zero feeling or attraction left) but I don't know how to detach when I can't get away from the person. I would just leave the apt, pay the lease breaking fee, but we're renting a condo from the owner of the condo, someone who my sister works with. Also, both our names are on the lease...so...I can't get him physically removed, right?

I'm a young professional (he was too until his life pretty much unravelled) and I can't believe I'm finding myself in this situation. I'm sure if ANYONE I worked with knew I had this 'fixture' at home they'd be pretty shocked...and probably horrified. I'm stuck in a weird limbo situation. I want to just forget him and move on...but I can't b/c he's STILL living (if you call it that) in the apartment. Luckily I've been really busy at work (it's tax season) so I don't have to spend much time at home...but I can't imagine living like this much longer...which leads to my question...

...does anyone know how to physically get someone like this out? Do I need to get him off the lease? Should I call his Dad who lives halfway across the country (who knows about his son's alcoholism and has pleaded and pleaded he go to rehab)? If so, what do I say? Do I ask him to come out and come get his son? What if my boyfriend refuses? EEEEK. I feel like I'm living in the 'Twilight Zone.' I feel like I'm dealing w/ a four year old...unfortunately my four year old is a 6'5'' man.

Any advice, suggestions would be awesome. Thank you.

suki44883

Since you are leasing the condo from friends of your sister, you might be able to talk to them and see about getting him off the lease. If they refuse, you could always say that you're willing to leave and they can try to collect their rent from him. Other than that, so long as his name is on the lease, I don't see how you can legally lock him out by changing locks or anything like that.

You can attempt to make life so uncomfortable there that he'll leave on his own, but then again, he might not. What it all boils down to is how determined are you to get away from this guy?

Gold

I was in this situation a few months ago.
I spoke to the real estate agent.
legally my EX had to sign off the lease or I had to sign off and move out.
I asked him to leave and he did although it took a month living like you are for him to save and get out.

Find out your legal rights and responsibilities.

Seeking support form his family may be an idea, IF they will have actually make a difference or take him off your hands.

the other option is YOU move out, sign yourself off the lease which would leave him legally responsible for the condo.

None of these are easy but I tell you what.... when you are free of him the relief will be 100 times more than you can possibly anticipate. Good luck

laurie6781

Welcome to SR. You have found a great site with lots of ES&H (Experience, Strength, and Hope).

Not knowing the laws of your area, I can suggest that you speak with your landlord about getting his name of the lease. If that can be done, then you will become his 'landlord' and can evict him.

In the meantime you might try reading Melody Beattie's "Co Dependent No More". It is a great book!!!! That has helped many of us.

Many of us also go to Al-Anon. It certainly has helped me change me, get stronger, set my boundaries that have made my life so much better.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much!

Love and hugs,

Bucyn

Talk to a lawyer and the landloard. Maybe just he can be evicted, tell the landlord you'll pay for it. Also make sure that you in no way provide for him. No food, no drinking money, no laundry, maybe even no cable or internet, possibly no utilities. Go stay with someone else for a month or two. How does he treat you? Any abuse? Can you start taping him? If he's passed out and you can't wake him/blacked out, call the ambulance and have him admitted. If he's so bad off, he can't be aroused you have a legitimate concern.

And don't be embarassed, you were set up. He saw a god thing in you and changed to look good for as long as it took to get you hooked. Then he became his real self.

transformyself

Oh you'd be surprised. Alcoholism touches lots of lives and you may find the least likely folks have lived through what you're experiencing.

I hope you sort it out. There's an answer, a way out, you just have to open your mind and believe it can be done.

wicked

I thought the exact same thing transform!

And Bucyn, that is a great idea. Give him nothing, absolutely nothing to support him. And if you can't wake him up, call an ambulance.

Oh and of course, get yourself to some AlAnon meetings naive.
You will find many understanding and supportive people there for YOU.

Insulated

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in such a predicament. I agree with the others in consulting with an attorney familiar with cohabitation. Also, think about password protecting your utilities, bank accounts, car insurance, cell phone etc. Have you tried an Al anon meeting? I'm of the thought process why should you be inconvenienced with moving due to his alcoholism? I'd be more inclined to push him out the door and keep the peace in my day to day life.

Roon

Hi there ... I'm a newbie here too and really really identify with your problem hun! Very similar circumstances for me except we have a joint mortgage on our house and have lived there 20 years. It was only 18 months ago that alarm bells started ringing about his drinking, he was working, just about functioning and helping out around the house. The drinking has progressively gotten worse and now he's out of work and coping with nothing and passed out most evenings. His family live quite a distance away and don't know as yet. I've been detaching for quite a few months now and started Al-anon meetings about 5 months ago which I totally and utterly recommend, have 5 months of free counselling and I'm also reading Melody Beattie's "Co Dependent No More". Working on me me and more me!!!

I've been trying to work out how to separate without losing everything ... If I asked him to leave (say initially for 3 months get help and stop and then see how the wind blows!!!!) I don't know where he'd go and I have this feeling that I'd find him passed out on the front step or worse. If I left for 3 months the chances are the house would be repossessed as the bills wouldn't get paid and would also be difficult to find somewhere to stay as I would have to find somewhere that would take 2 cats as well!!

Keep detaching and working on yourself. Withdraw all financial help to him, seek as much advice on the lease as you can and get the heck out if he won't leave. I keep saying to myself 'where there's a will there's a way' ...... I know there's a way!!!

Keep posting and do let us know how it goes x

Lindzali

Thank you all so much for the responses!!

Today was of course no different...only while I was in the living room watching tv he drunkenly walked into the livingroom, tripped over the coffee table and while laying on the ground he just looked at me with those drunken 'dead' eyes...oh yeah, and he wasn't wearing pants...oh god. How on earth can this be the same person I met two and a half years ago??? I'm so miserable. There's no reasoning with a drunk person.

To answer some questions, no, I don't give him any money or buy food from him...I think he has enough money to last him for a while because I'm pretty sure he cashed out his 401k and is now living on that. I know...horrible...but typical I guess. I haven't mustered up the courage to call his father. I didn't mention in my first post that his mother passed away about a year and a half ago...and for the longest time I gave him some slack becaues I figured he was severely depressed. I'm thinking his dad will probably give him the same slack.

I'm so miserable. I'm 27 years old...not getting any younger and I'm stuck with this miserable human being....deep down I know he's a good guy and therefore has potential but like all the posts I've read on here that you can't hang your hat on potential. The sentence, "Yes, but is he all you've dreamed of NOW?" The answer us undoubtedly "HELL NO".

I just need to gather the courage to reach out to his family. The only problem is I've done it before, they've insisted he come home for a while (this was during Christmas), he did, came back, and promptly sunk into drunken oblivion again. I realize in order to get him off the lease he needs to agree to it, right? I'm 100% sure that won't happen.

...now I'm rambling. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. It helps to know there are others in my boat...or in similar boats.

barb dwyer

Hello Lindzali and welcome!

Roon - welcome as well!!!

I hope you find your answers here.
Just welcoming you to SR,
and inviting you to check out our resources at the tops of each forum.
Since you both live with alcoholics,
I hope you'll find an al-anon group close to you.

Noon-
I know you'll have a problem finding one in the UK.
But it's worth the effort

3-D support is very important and I hope you'll take the extra steps to get it.

Again - welcome to SR!

WhiteyFord

I've been going through a similar situation. See:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...te-myself.html

Good luck!

Bernadette

OK if you can't force him off the lease - can you get your name off the lease and leave yourself?

Get a new place, leave him in the apartment and the chips will fall as they may.

You may feel embarrassed because your sister knows the owners etc, that's understandable and uncomfortable.

But it's not like they are going to kill you - it will just be an embarrassing and uncomfortable and unfortunate circumstance that adults CAN handle, work through, and get past. People who choose to rent a unit have to accept that they are renting to human beings and human beings sometimes end up in complicated situations that affect the living arrangement. But you don't have to martyr yourself to avoid their anger or your guilt/discomfort!

Maybe since they are your sisters friends you could just be honest about what's going on, ask them to send you guys an eviction notice. Then you both have to get out. Show him the notice, say "Well, time to move!" You go your own way he goes his. He is an adult, you are not responsible for him.

Make a little plan to GET OUT! This is no way to live, you are actually young and free!! Each day you choose to keep "enduring it" is a day of free and joyful life you are trading to prolong his comfort and his alcoholism!

peace-
b

Learn2Live

I went thru something similar when I also was in my late twenties. Looking back now I realize it was all the more reason to not shack up with anyone anymore; wish I had figured that one out earlier in my life. I think these guys know at some level EXACTLY what they are doing: Moving in with a responsible, employed woman. I think sometimes also there is something to be said for those old traditional expectations or requirements that a man you are considering as a mate provide a home for YOU. IDK just thinking out loud. I think that might be difficult for me as I am rather independent and can't picture myself moving into someone else's house.

barb dwyer

Hey! just checking in to see how it's going?

Lindzali

I just wanted to write a quick update:

I finally emailed his dad today (I wanted to email first just so my message got out loud and clear the way I wanted and emotions didn't take over) and he immediately called me. He flat out told me that the next time he's drunk (gee...don't have to wait too long for that one) I should call the cops, tell them I feel scared, and have him arrested...that he needs to officially hit 'rock bottom.' Hmm...that sounds fine and good, but from what I've read just searching on the internet, the police will most likely come, say 'you kids get along now', and leave. There really is no reason for him to be removed b/c he IS on the lease...he's technically home.

I think what I need to do now is have a conversation with the landlord of our apartment...just kinda lay it all out there and have the landlord formally evict my boyfriend. Once the eviction notice is served I'm wondering if it would give my...well...ex boyfriend a little push out the door if I have the electricity shut off (it's in my name...I wonder if I could just tell the electric company I'm going to be out of town for a month and would like everything shut off).

Do you think that will work? I COULD take his wallet w/ me every day I go to work so that he can't buy booze...then he'll hit withdrawal symptoms...and will at that time need to go to the hospital (he's been twice now in the last three months). Once he's there he's at least out of my apartment...he'll have no where to go but to his dad's house.

Part of me is kicking myself that we did move in together (Learn2Live - I definitely see what you're saying), however, if we hadn't moved in together I'd probably still think I could help him and that he could 'get better for good' right now...so while this is living hell right now I will NEVER make this mistake/ignore red flags EVER again.

It is however incredible that SO MANY people run into this problem with alcoholics. I kept quiet for so long because I felt like my situation was SO strange and SO bizarre that if I shared it, people would be shocked. Guess not! WHAT is going on in the heads of these alcoholics??? HOW is it possible that grown men (and women) are reduced to such CHILDREN? I know, I know, we should feel sorry for these people...they're obviously going through such pain, but right now it's taking every fiber of my being to not ring my boyfriend's neck while he sleeps (that was a bit dramatic but you get what I'm saying).

Thanks again for the support and advice everyone!!

barb dwyer

I don't see any reason if you can show receipts that you have been the one paying the rent that you can't go to legal services and start proceedings to have him evicted.
Unfortunately -
leases enable people to drag legal proceedings out for months.

i'm thinking it's going to be far easier for YOU to get out of the lease and leave him there.
They dig in like ticks . and they know what to do to keep you a hostage in your own home.

Unless you can get him off the lease....
and if you know about six big cowboys.... I don't see him leaving.

Pelican

Do you think that will work? I COULD take his wallet w/ me every day I go to work so that he can't buy booze...then he'll hit withdrawal symptoms...and will at that time need to go to the hospital (he's been twice now in the last three months). Once he's there he's at least out of my apartment...he'll have no where to go but to his dad's house.

Leave his wallet. Let the alcoholic do what the alcoholic will do: drink. If you try to control his finances, he may take something of yours to the pawn shop while you are away. I learned the hard way that active alcoholics will find the loopholes when you are trying to control their behavior. The healthy thing to do is take control of the one person you are responsible for : YOU.

Just keep taking care of yourself. It sounds like you are taking healthy steps everyday. Keep doing the next right thing, one day at a time.

(((cyberhugs)))Welcome to the SR family!

transformyself

this really struck me, as I see/hear this almost verbatim from so many codies.

We should be focused on ourselves! What about YOU? Aren't you a good person with great potential? We should be looking at ourselves and saying, "My God, I've got so much more potential than THIS!"

Lindzali

UPDATE: He finally left on his own. I'M SO RELIEVED.

He lost his wallet a few days ago...it's hopelessly lost too. It's kinda funny. I figured with no wallet he'd HAVE to stop drinking...but he cleverly figured out he could write a check using his passport as ID at the Super Target by our apartment which sells liquor. INSANE, right??? Can you imagine what the poor cashier was thinking? Not gonna lie, his resourcefulness was moderately fascinating.

Anyway, after I took his checkbook while he was passed out he realized he had to go home I think. He left with the delusional idea that he just needs to go away for a while and when he comes back we can resume our relationship. He's nuts...literally...I find myself wondering if he has suffered some brain damage from all the booze. Yikes.

I changed the locks and my mom and sister are going to help me pack up all his crap this week. My life will never be the same and it really saddens me...I'm afraid that once all his stuff is gone the emptiness will sink in. I just turned 27 and I feel like i'm damaged goods now...I can't help it. I still can't believe all this happened. Never in my wildest dreams...

Anyway, I just wanted to give the update that the Apartment Fixture has been removed and thank everyone again for the advice.

God Bless!