Yikes! What is this about?
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Yikes! What is this about?
Okay, this is where I am today.....
Well, it seems as the days go by, the harder it is to walk into the courthouse and file those papers....It's almost like I need an "it's okay" from him first, before I do it....It is so sick but I was even thinking of asking him to go with me...what the heck?
Since I pleaded my case to him, tried to make him see the light that he should want to be free of a codie, controlling, wife (blaming myself for this...not him) as much as I want to be free of the responsibilities and emotions that come from his choices...I just want him to say it's okay....I release you from this marriage...and I would feel alot better.
Why do you think I am seeking his approval for this, and waiting for the time when I know he will really be okay with divorce? Seems to me since I brought it up things have been much easier between us...is it an act or a sign that we are both really done, relieved and ready to grow and move on so we can be adults and act the way adults in relationships not like ours act...
How can I continue to put his feelings before mine on this topic..isn't this why I am getting divorced, to put myself first?...am I nuts?
Please help me to figure this out...I have no idea what's going on in my head, but I know it's not right...at all.
Well, it seems as the days go by, the harder it is to walk into the courthouse and file those papers....It's almost like I need an "it's okay" from him first, before I do it....It is so sick but I was even thinking of asking him to go with me...what the heck?
Since I pleaded my case to him, tried to make him see the light that he should want to be free of a codie, controlling, wife (blaming myself for this...not him) as much as I want to be free of the responsibilities and emotions that come from his choices...I just want him to say it's okay....I release you from this marriage...and I would feel alot better.
Why do you think I am seeking his approval for this, and waiting for the time when I know he will really be okay with divorce? Seems to me since I brought it up things have been much easier between us...is it an act or a sign that we are both really done, relieved and ready to grow and move on so we can be adults and act the way adults in relationships not like ours act...
How can I continue to put his feelings before mine on this topic..isn't this why I am getting divorced, to put myself first?...am I nuts?
Please help me to figure this out...I have no idea what's going on in my head, but I know it's not right...at all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Divorce is a kind of anticlimatic end to a volatile relationship. You are almost there. Once the papers were filed for my divorce, it was much easier for me to move on and build a happy fulfilling life for myself. And the end was a date on a calendar that passed... just like everything else. The journey was the hardest part. Hind site is 20/20 I guess.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I don't know why you are feeling like this. I have not done enough recovery of my own. Things get so complicated. I will share an enlightening moment I had with my xah.
One time my ah left in the middle of the night after ranting and raving at me for hours. Awful things. He did not do those things before I started rocking his boat. It was a new side of him and didn't surface until after he came back from treatment and relapsed. I cried as he drove off. I thought to myself "Why am I crying?" and for once I took a moment to really try and sort it out. I did not want to stay married. I did not even care so much if he was driving off to get more alcohol (and he was). I was very fragile, hurt, and confused after all the things he had said but I wasn't even really crying over that. I was crying because I thought he didn't feel loved. I didn't want another person, someone I knew, to not feel loved. I felt terrible about that. There was such a sense of urgency about correcting that. But you know what - I can't make him feel loved. There is not enough love in the world to make an alcoholic feel loved because they have absolutely no love for themselves. The only love they can feel is that of enabling their addiction because the addiction is what they are devoted to, driven by, consumed with. It has changed the very way their minds work. That is so very sad but so true.
I use that enlightening moment a lot. I understand now that much of what I do, and later regret and don't understand, is based on such intense feelings of unease when other people are unhappy. It doesn't even really matter if I am the cause or not. If someone is feeling unhappy, uncomfortable, or unloved I am almost driven to do whatever I can to fix that. Of course, I see that this is not healthy or right so now that I'm aware of it I take time to determine how I am feeling and why before I respond or react - or at least that is the goal
I'm not sure how that even relates to your post but it is the first thing I thought of.
One time my ah left in the middle of the night after ranting and raving at me for hours. Awful things. He did not do those things before I started rocking his boat. It was a new side of him and didn't surface until after he came back from treatment and relapsed. I cried as he drove off. I thought to myself "Why am I crying?" and for once I took a moment to really try and sort it out. I did not want to stay married. I did not even care so much if he was driving off to get more alcohol (and he was). I was very fragile, hurt, and confused after all the things he had said but I wasn't even really crying over that. I was crying because I thought he didn't feel loved. I didn't want another person, someone I knew, to not feel loved. I felt terrible about that. There was such a sense of urgency about correcting that. But you know what - I can't make him feel loved. There is not enough love in the world to make an alcoholic feel loved because they have absolutely no love for themselves. The only love they can feel is that of enabling their addiction because the addiction is what they are devoted to, driven by, consumed with. It has changed the very way their minds work. That is so very sad but so true.
I use that enlightening moment a lot. I understand now that much of what I do, and later regret and don't understand, is based on such intense feelings of unease when other people are unhappy. It doesn't even really matter if I am the cause or not. If someone is feeling unhappy, uncomfortable, or unloved I am almost driven to do whatever I can to fix that. Of course, I see that this is not healthy or right so now that I'm aware of it I take time to determine how I am feeling and why before I respond or react - or at least that is the goal
I'm not sure how that even relates to your post but it is the first thing I thought of.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
if it helps, when my first ex and i split up, i got so far as filing the divorce....and then it just sat there. it's not like the day you file they will zap him with the ray gun.....filing is merely the first step in the process. it is simply the submission of certain legal documents that CAN ultimately result in a divorce....
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Divorce is a kind of anticlimatic end to a volatile relationship. You are almost there. Once the papers were filed for my divorce, it was much easier for me to move on and build a happy fulfilling life for myself. And the end was a date on a calendar that passed... just like everything else. The journey was the hardest part. Hind site is 20/20 I guess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
There is not enough love in the world to make an alcoholic feel loved because they have absolutely no love for themselves. The only love they can feel is that of enabling their addiction because the addiction is what they are devoted to, driven by, consumed with. It has changed the very way their minds work.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
I'm taking a stab at why you want his approval. I don't know if it's true or not. But I think one way codependents are made is by having parents who demand that the child take care of them and their needs and their emotions. If the child doesn't, the parents withdraw love and support and imply or actually abandon the child. The child knows itself to be powerless, and knows its absolute dependency on the parents. When the parents are unhappy and blame the child, it's a terrible crisis for the child, a fearful thing, rejection, abandonment, suffering, and ultimately death. A child doesn't have or doesn't realize there are other avenues to getting his/her needs met. They are designed to become hypersensitive to the moods and approval of their main relationship--their relationship to their parent. It's the only way to be safe, the only way to survive.
That dynamic gets transferred to the adult main relationship--that to your partner (and if it doesn't transfer you end up like my XA, a cowering momma's boy). It's false to think that one's safety and survival depends soley on one other person, particularly a person who is so damaged, inadequate, unstable and mean like an alcoholic. But unless the assumption is challenged and changed, it becomes the default assumption even in adulthood.
So you have an abnormal need for your partner's approval, getting it means safety and survival. Not having it means you are a two year old abandonned in the middle of a hostile war-torn world.
As you understand that you can survive without his approval, can live very well with his anger and rejection (and can even block yourself from even knowing about it), as you realize that there are many, many resources and paths open to you and life WILL indeed go on, the fear subsides and you heal.
That's just a theory and might not apply to you.
Remember, you have to let go of the edge of the pool if you want to swim across to the other side.
That dynamic gets transferred to the adult main relationship--that to your partner (and if it doesn't transfer you end up like my XA, a cowering momma's boy). It's false to think that one's safety and survival depends soley on one other person, particularly a person who is so damaged, inadequate, unstable and mean like an alcoholic. But unless the assumption is challenged and changed, it becomes the default assumption even in adulthood.
So you have an abnormal need for your partner's approval, getting it means safety and survival. Not having it means you are a two year old abandonned in the middle of a hostile war-torn world.
As you understand that you can survive without his approval, can live very well with his anger and rejection (and can even block yourself from even knowing about it), as you realize that there are many, many resources and paths open to you and life WILL indeed go on, the fear subsides and you heal.
That's just a theory and might not apply to you.
Remember, you have to let go of the edge of the pool if you want to swim across to the other side.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Bucyn
So you have an abnormal need for your partner's approval, getting it means safety and survival. Not having it means you are a two year old abandonned in the middle of a hostile war-torn world
Be strong - do not abandon yourself Froglegs!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
For me, it was/is about "being the bad guy". I wanted desperately to be liked, to be approved of and *not* to rock the boat. XAH's boat was sooo easily rocked, it wasn't funny. So, I spent the bulk of our relationship trying to please him, trying to hide things from him knowing he wouldn't approve of x,y,z that I was doing...I even tried to break it off "nicely", even though he'd abused me, had stolen from me, and constantly lied to me. I wanted to be Mr. Nice Guy.
I'm learning how, having had some distance from XAH, both physically and emotionally, that there's absolutely no point in trying to manage his reactions. He's going to freak out anyway. It's what he does. Heck, it's how he lives: from one drama to the next, "recovering" and "resting" in between, "rewarding" himself for surviving, constantly self-medicating to "get through". I'm getting a lot better at stating MY needs and wants, and though I still cringe at his reactions, I go ahead and do what I need done.
It just takes some time and "inner coaching".
I'm learning how, having had some distance from XAH, both physically and emotionally, that there's absolutely no point in trying to manage his reactions. He's going to freak out anyway. It's what he does. Heck, it's how he lives: from one drama to the next, "recovering" and "resting" in between, "rewarding" himself for surviving, constantly self-medicating to "get through". I'm getting a lot better at stating MY needs and wants, and though I still cringe at his reactions, I go ahead and do what I need done.
It just takes some time and "inner coaching".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Bucyn
I'm taking a stab at why you want his approval. I don't know if it's true or not. But I think one way codependents are made is by having parents who demand that the child take care of them and their needs and their emotions. If the child doesn't, the parents withdraw love and support and imply or actually abandon the child. The child knows itself to be powerless, and knows its absolute dependency on the parents. When the parents are unhappy and blame the child, it's a terrible crisis for the child, a fearful thing, rejection, abandonment, suffering, and ultimately death. A child doesn't have or doesn't realize there are other avenues to getting his/her needs met. They are designed to become hypersensitive to the moods and approval of their main relationship--their relationship to their parent. It's the only way to be safe, the only way to survive.
That dynamic gets transferred to the adult main relationship--that to your partner (and if it doesn't transfer you end up like my XA, a cowering momma's boy). It's false to think that one's safety and survival depends soley on one other person, particularly a person who is so damaged, inadequate, unstable and mean like an alcoholic. But unless the assumption is challenged and changed, it becomes the default assumption even in adulthood.
So you have an abnormal need for your partner's approval, getting it means safety and survival. Not having it means you are a two year old abandonned in the middle of a hostile war-torn world.
As you understand that you can survive without his approval, can live very well with his anger and rejection (and can even block yourself from even knowing about it), as you realize that there are many, many resources and paths open to you and life WILL indeed go on, the fear subsides and you heal.
That's just a theory and might not apply to you.
Remember, you have to let go of the edge of the pool if you want to swim across to the other side.
That dynamic gets transferred to the adult main relationship--that to your partner (and if it doesn't transfer you end up like my XA, a cowering momma's boy). It's false to think that one's safety and survival depends soley on one other person, particularly a person who is so damaged, inadequate, unstable and mean like an alcoholic. But unless the assumption is challenged and changed, it becomes the default assumption even in adulthood.
So you have an abnormal need for your partner's approval, getting it means safety and survival. Not having it means you are a two year old abandonned in the middle of a hostile war-torn world.
As you understand that you can survive without his approval, can live very well with his anger and rejection (and can even block yourself from even knowing about it), as you realize that there are many, many resources and paths open to you and life WILL indeed go on, the fear subsides and you heal.
That's just a theory and might not apply to you.
Remember, you have to let go of the edge of the pool if you want to swim across to the other side.
I left my exAGF last year, and was torn (and indeed I still am at times) as to whether this was going to be okay, what people would think, how she would react, I would be painted as the bad guy etc. etc.
It's been really hard to let go of the guilt, but ultimately I did it for me, and for everyone else involved.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
For me, it was/is about "being the bad guy". I wanted desperately to be liked, to be approved of and *not* to rock the boat. XAH's boat was sooo easily rocked, it wasn't funny. So, I spent the bulk of our relationship trying to please him, trying to hide things from him knowing he wouldn't approve of x,y,z that I was doing...I even tried to break it off "nicely", even though he'd abused me, had stolen from me, and constantly lied to me. I wanted to be Mr. Nice Guy.
I'm learning how, having had some distance from XAH, both physically and emotionally, that there's absolutely no point in trying to manage his reactions. He's going to freak out anyway. It's what he does. Heck, it's how he lives: from one drama to the next, "recovering" and "resting" in between, "rewarding" himself for surviving, constantly self-medicating to "get through". I'm getting a lot better at stating MY needs and wants, and though I still cringe at his reactions, I go ahead and do what I need done.
It just takes some time and "inner coaching".
I'm learning how, having had some distance from XAH, both physically and emotionally, that there's absolutely no point in trying to manage his reactions. He's going to freak out anyway. It's what he does. Heck, it's how he lives: from one drama to the next, "recovering" and "resting" in between, "rewarding" himself for surviving, constantly self-medicating to "get through". I'm getting a lot better at stating MY needs and wants, and though I still cringe at his reactions, I go ahead and do what I need done.
It just takes some time and "inner coaching".
And yet I still tried to take the high ground and be 'Mr. Nice Guy'. The sad fact is, being 'Mr. Nice Guy' is what got me trampled all over in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I used to be the great analyst.
I would analyze, dissect, theorize, and analyze some more.
In effect, it was a stall tactic that kept me from doing the things that I needed to do. It kept me from walking through the fear in order to get past it.
Early in my recovery, my head would already be 10 miles down the road before my feet hit the floor in the mornings!
I had this bus in my head that everyone was clamoring to drive. It was insane. I would think think think think until I was nuts.
Seriously, I can think myself in circles.
Although I will never achieve perfection, these days it's become much easier to stay out of my head, and just keep doing the next right thing in front of me.
I would analyze, dissect, theorize, and analyze some more.
In effect, it was a stall tactic that kept me from doing the things that I needed to do. It kept me from walking through the fear in order to get past it.
Early in my recovery, my head would already be 10 miles down the road before my feet hit the floor in the mornings!
I had this bus in my head that everyone was clamoring to drive. It was insane. I would think think think think until I was nuts.
Seriously, I can think myself in circles.
Although I will never achieve perfection, these days it's become much easier to stay out of my head, and just keep doing the next right thing in front of me.
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