What do I tell my kids?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 126
What do I tell my kids?
I left my AH about 8 weeks ago. He hasn't seen the kids in a month or spoken to them in about 2 weeks. They ask for him all the time and miss him so much. He won't agree to a meeting, but he says that he wants to see them.
My heart is breaking for them. Please give me any advice you can. I have a baby and the older ones are 6 & 4yo girls. Thanks!
My heart is breaking for them. Please give me any advice you can. I have a baby and the older ones are 6 & 4yo girls. Thanks!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I see you are useing our Friends & Family of Alcoholics too.
I have no experience to share on your situation
but I'm certain the Mom's there do.
I am sending prayers of healing and comfort your way.
Blessings to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hi SadButHopeful, I'm not a parent but I'll take a shot at your question 
It sounds pretty tough trying to sort your own emotions while supporting your little girls. I'm sure some days just when you feel you're getting a handle on it, some "I miss dad"s send you reeling back to square one, throwing you back into grief all over again. Right now they miss dad and they can see mom misses dad too, and you're all generating and feeding off of a lot of sadness. This is totally appropriate; your whole world just shifted. The dream you had with your AH has died. The family as your girls knew it has also died. Certainly let yourself grieve.
But also prepare for a new normal; a new day-to-day routine with new things to look forward to. Let your girls know that its okay to miss dad, but that you all have a bigger project to work on: doing a great job with what you've got right here, right now. It's okay to miss dad, but we've got to get doing some other stuff too.
One nice thing about young children is that they actually have a lot of potential for resilience in them. Once you are at a better place emotionally and can model a more upbeat approach in the face of adversity, they will eagerly take a leaf from your book. No 4- or 6-year old wants to sit around feeling miserable for very long. Once they start letting go of their grief, they'll eagerly hook into something fun and happy again. Especially if they see that mom is moving forward with her life, then they'll have confidence knowing that they can too.
Take care of yourself, try to limit your brooding in sadness around your girls, and remind yourself this too shall pass.
It sounds pretty tough trying to sort your own emotions while supporting your little girls. I'm sure some days just when you feel you're getting a handle on it, some "I miss dad"s send you reeling back to square one, throwing you back into grief all over again. Right now they miss dad and they can see mom misses dad too, and you're all generating and feeding off of a lot of sadness. This is totally appropriate; your whole world just shifted. The dream you had with your AH has died. The family as your girls knew it has also died. Certainly let yourself grieve.
But also prepare for a new normal; a new day-to-day routine with new things to look forward to. Let your girls know that its okay to miss dad, but that you all have a bigger project to work on: doing a great job with what you've got right here, right now. It's okay to miss dad, but we've got to get doing some other stuff too.
One nice thing about young children is that they actually have a lot of potential for resilience in them. Once you are at a better place emotionally and can model a more upbeat approach in the face of adversity, they will eagerly take a leaf from your book. No 4- or 6-year old wants to sit around feeling miserable for very long. Once they start letting go of their grief, they'll eagerly hook into something fun and happy again. Especially if they see that mom is moving forward with her life, then they'll have confidence knowing that they can too.
Take care of yourself, try to limit your brooding in sadness around your girls, and remind yourself this too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 52
A counselor once told me to be honest with my kids (age appropriate of course). I learned to say things like: I don't know when you're going to see daddy again but I'll let you know when I do.
I also learned not to count on him to show up even when he promised and many times I didn't tell my kids if something was planned until the absolute last minute in order to avoid heart break on their part if he didn't show.
Yes, some days it was really hard to be upbeat around my kids but it did get easier. And dothi is right, acknowledging their feelings and that they miss him and then redirecting their attention usually works. Hugs!
I also learned not to count on him to show up even when he promised and many times I didn't tell my kids if something was planned until the absolute last minute in order to avoid heart break on their part if he didn't show.
Yes, some days it was really hard to be upbeat around my kids but it did get easier. And dothi is right, acknowledging their feelings and that they miss him and then redirecting their attention usually works. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: colstrip, montana
Posts: 237
SadButHopeful,
Congratulations on doing what's best for you and your kids! You have strength to run for safety. Your sanity was probably wearing thin. I know when I was in a tumultuous relationship, I felt almost as crazy as the addict in my life. The best thing I could do was SAVE MYSELF.
I have a daughter. Her and I left our "happy home" one day, after a bit of planning. I knew better than to do this kind of thing in the "heat of the moment". I tried to weigh out my options, and pray for the ability to listen to my heart, where I hoped God would guide my every decision. I couldn't take both my daughter and my motorcycle, so I took my daughter, put her in her car seat and left in my old car. I had been gradually taking a few things with me to a girlfriends' house over the past few days.
My daughter's father attempted to see us two or three times and when he couldn't persuade us to come home (I wanted proof that he was going straight and going to meetings) he quit coming around us after a while. My daughter is now 8-years-old and she has asked about her dad many times. I try to answer her as best I can without making him look like a loser. He is a meth addict. I know he is sick. I need to pray for him. I don't tell my daughter anything about his addiction problem. I just tell her all his good points. She especially loves to hear what she has in common with him. She looks forward to meeting him one day.
The motorcycle is a small price to pay considering how "some" former spouses pay! Some pay with their lives.
Congratulations on doing what's best for you and your kids! You have strength to run for safety. Your sanity was probably wearing thin. I know when I was in a tumultuous relationship, I felt almost as crazy as the addict in my life. The best thing I could do was SAVE MYSELF.
I have a daughter. Her and I left our "happy home" one day, after a bit of planning. I knew better than to do this kind of thing in the "heat of the moment". I tried to weigh out my options, and pray for the ability to listen to my heart, where I hoped God would guide my every decision. I couldn't take both my daughter and my motorcycle, so I took my daughter, put her in her car seat and left in my old car. I had been gradually taking a few things with me to a girlfriends' house over the past few days.
My daughter's father attempted to see us two or three times and when he couldn't persuade us to come home (I wanted proof that he was going straight and going to meetings) he quit coming around us after a while. My daughter is now 8-years-old and she has asked about her dad many times. I try to answer her as best I can without making him look like a loser. He is a meth addict. I know he is sick. I need to pray for him. I don't tell my daughter anything about his addiction problem. I just tell her all his good points. She especially loves to hear what she has in common with him. She looks forward to meeting him one day.
The motorcycle is a small price to pay considering how "some" former spouses pay! Some pay with their lives.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
