Stuck in a rut
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 46
Stuck in a rut
Hello- it's been quite a while since I posted anything and I think it's time to let my story out and see what I can do about my situation. Maybe just writing it out will help me figure it out a bit more. I feel like I'm stuck.
I've been in a relationship with my AH for the past 10 years. When we were first together in our early 20's, we were both in what I call 'the bar phase of life' and drinking as much as we did just seemed to be a part of our age. After about a year and a half of dating, I was heading out of that phase of my life, drinking less and babysitting my bf more. It eventually got to the point where I kicked him out and he moved back to his parents. He cleaned himself up and we continued/resumed our relationship. He was sober for a year and a half when we married and he continued to stay sober for two more years. And then we moved to another town where he was unemployed and he began drinking a little here and there. And then I became pregnant and he 'just had to get it out of his system'. And then we moved back to my hometown where he didn't drink much, but didn't come home if he was out drinking because he knew at that point that I would kick him out again. He backed off for a while and 'limited' his drinking to just beer & wine (no hard liquor) and seemed to have it under control. He had me believing that his younger alcohol abuse was just his age and not knowing when to say when and that he could handle it now that we were older.
A couple of years later he became unemployed for 13 months. During his first month of unemployment, I found I was pregnant again. This was almost 3 years ago and I can count the number of times on my hands that he hasn't spent a weekend drinking. Most of the time it's very non-confrontational. It's mainly disappointing. I feel like it's just slipped up on me over the years.
About six months ago I found this forum and lurked and posted once. So much of what is said is something I can relate to. I read Codependent No More and have been learning about detachment. It frustrates AH that I've 'checked out' from his life. I'm working on my anger towards him. When he's drinking I just move to another room with the kids and don't engage or I leave the house completely until I know he's passed out and I don't have to worry about saying/doing the wrong thing around him.
Lately, I'm sad that I'm still with him and sad that even though he's drunk almost all the time, I still don't really want to leave. There are days when he is his 'regular' self and I can forget that he drinks. I keep thinking that we were in this spot early in our relationship and that he cleaned himself up once so he should/can do it again. I'm sad that I promised myself that I would never go through this again, and now here I am, 10 years and two children later, in the same spot. The only difference now is that it's no longer just me. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that this is what life is supposed to be like. I hope that in the coming months that I am able to find the courage to tell him to get cleaned up or to get out. I keep telling myself that I don't want to look back on my life 5 years and one more child from now and wish that I had left sooner. I guess I just don't know why I'm still hanging around when I already sound like I know what I want. Thank you for reading/listening. I appreciate this safe place to put this out there.
I've been in a relationship with my AH for the past 10 years. When we were first together in our early 20's, we were both in what I call 'the bar phase of life' and drinking as much as we did just seemed to be a part of our age. After about a year and a half of dating, I was heading out of that phase of my life, drinking less and babysitting my bf more. It eventually got to the point where I kicked him out and he moved back to his parents. He cleaned himself up and we continued/resumed our relationship. He was sober for a year and a half when we married and he continued to stay sober for two more years. And then we moved to another town where he was unemployed and he began drinking a little here and there. And then I became pregnant and he 'just had to get it out of his system'. And then we moved back to my hometown where he didn't drink much, but didn't come home if he was out drinking because he knew at that point that I would kick him out again. He backed off for a while and 'limited' his drinking to just beer & wine (no hard liquor) and seemed to have it under control. He had me believing that his younger alcohol abuse was just his age and not knowing when to say when and that he could handle it now that we were older.
A couple of years later he became unemployed for 13 months. During his first month of unemployment, I found I was pregnant again. This was almost 3 years ago and I can count the number of times on my hands that he hasn't spent a weekend drinking. Most of the time it's very non-confrontational. It's mainly disappointing. I feel like it's just slipped up on me over the years.
About six months ago I found this forum and lurked and posted once. So much of what is said is something I can relate to. I read Codependent No More and have been learning about detachment. It frustrates AH that I've 'checked out' from his life. I'm working on my anger towards him. When he's drinking I just move to another room with the kids and don't engage or I leave the house completely until I know he's passed out and I don't have to worry about saying/doing the wrong thing around him.
Lately, I'm sad that I'm still with him and sad that even though he's drunk almost all the time, I still don't really want to leave. There are days when he is his 'regular' self and I can forget that he drinks. I keep thinking that we were in this spot early in our relationship and that he cleaned himself up once so he should/can do it again. I'm sad that I promised myself that I would never go through this again, and now here I am, 10 years and two children later, in the same spot. The only difference now is that it's no longer just me. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that this is what life is supposed to be like. I hope that in the coming months that I am able to find the courage to tell him to get cleaned up or to get out. I keep telling myself that I don't want to look back on my life 5 years and one more child from now and wish that I had left sooner. I guess I just don't know why I'm still hanging around when I already sound like I know what I want. Thank you for reading/listening. I appreciate this safe place to put this out there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Does he work?
"I hope that in the coming months that I am able to find the courage to tell him to get cleaned up or to get out."
Or you could tell him to get out and not come back until he is cleaned up. That way you aren't in limbo waiting for him to clean up and watchful and anxious about him cleaning up and back sliding.
Please don't blame yourself for staying so long. You have been busy the last five years or so. Bearing and caring for young children is pretty diverting.
The part where you say you just go in the other room to avoid saying or doing the wrong thing is worrisome. Do you often feel you are walking on eggshells? If so, almost immediately after you separate that problem will go away. It's absolutely energy draining to have to walk on eggshells.
You say it snuck up on you and you don't know why you stay when you know you want to leave. Could a possibility be some mild depression? you give off a feeling of weariness and lethargy. that could be depression. Don't blame yourself. It's a depressing situation, you deserve better, and it's only natural that you might feel overwhelmed, confused and depressed.
Maybe just talking to a lawyer would be helpful. Just to see what you can expect in support. Start perusing realtor dot com and the papers to see what rent and housing would look like if you are on your own. Crunch a few numbers budget wise and see what you might expect for standard of living. Let it sink in. Once you start imagining yourself in a different life, you will likely know better whether you want to stay or go.
It's easier to rebuild when you are 30 than when you are 40. Divorce is easier on preschoolers that 'tweens.
Checking things out, imagining a new life, lining up a plan B doesn't take a lot of energy. Little steps will get you to your goal as well as big ones--once you set your direction. Good luck to you.
"I hope that in the coming months that I am able to find the courage to tell him to get cleaned up or to get out."
Or you could tell him to get out and not come back until he is cleaned up. That way you aren't in limbo waiting for him to clean up and watchful and anxious about him cleaning up and back sliding.
Please don't blame yourself for staying so long. You have been busy the last five years or so. Bearing and caring for young children is pretty diverting.
The part where you say you just go in the other room to avoid saying or doing the wrong thing is worrisome. Do you often feel you are walking on eggshells? If so, almost immediately after you separate that problem will go away. It's absolutely energy draining to have to walk on eggshells.
You say it snuck up on you and you don't know why you stay when you know you want to leave. Could a possibility be some mild depression? you give off a feeling of weariness and lethargy. that could be depression. Don't blame yourself. It's a depressing situation, you deserve better, and it's only natural that you might feel overwhelmed, confused and depressed.
Maybe just talking to a lawyer would be helpful. Just to see what you can expect in support. Start perusing realtor dot com and the papers to see what rent and housing would look like if you are on your own. Crunch a few numbers budget wise and see what you might expect for standard of living. Let it sink in. Once you start imagining yourself in a different life, you will likely know better whether you want to stay or go.
It's easier to rebuild when you are 30 than when you are 40. Divorce is easier on preschoolers that 'tweens.
Checking things out, imagining a new life, lining up a plan B doesn't take a lot of energy. Little steps will get you to your goal as well as big ones--once you set your direction. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by CircleInTheSea 
I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that this is what life is supposed to be like.
She's now 32, and an active addict/alcoholic herself.
Children are like sponges, even the toddlers. All those unresolved emotions, the anger, fear, bitterness, resentment, blame...that float around in a dysfunctional environment are things they internalize without even knowing it.
My AA sponsor taught me early on that if I was in doubt as to how well I was working my program of recovery, just watch my daughter's behavior.
He was right on target.
I've also watched this phenomenon in my own grandchildren. Granddaughter Alexandria (now 14) was a delightful baby, loved to be held, and was with me most of the time as a baby. My AD just lived 2 houses down at that time. She had Alexandria at age 17.
Grandson Johnathan came along 5 years later, which by then my AD was full blown in her addictions/dysfunctional behaviors. She had also moved out of town with the grandkids and her husband.
When I would keep him for the night, he was fussy. He did NOT like to be rocked, which I had never encountered a baby like that before. He did not want to be cuddled. He had health issues with his digestive system.
He is still the most affected by his mother's addictions/alcoholism, though he was very engaging and conversational when I had him and his sister this past Sunday for the night.
Although I have forgiven myself for what I put my oldest daughter through in my drinking/drugging years, there will always be a certain amount of guilt that I will carry with me until I die.
You are the only voice those children have. You are the sane parent.
:ghug3 :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 46
AH is now employed...but he works 3rd shifts. It makes it easy to avoid him, however, it also makes it 'acceptable' (to him) to be drinking in the middle of the day. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells, but then again it might just feel like that because I'm 'always' in that mode? FWIW, I do find myself watching what I say/do so that I don't intentionally start an argument. Ah is not physically abusive but is verbally abusive while intoxicated. I am not surprised at the mention of mild depression within myself. I have harder time in winter, but usually do well in the sun-shinier months. I know that I can make it on my own financially since ah has been unemployed often throughout our relationship and I am always the one who pays the bills. I do know that I won't be able to afford our current house on my own without being 'house poor'.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
I have been with my husband 9 years, we have two kids - 4 and 2 years old. I would like to recommend Al-Anon and doing the 12 steps. Steps 2 and 3 were what I needed in order to give me the courage to leave my husband. I knew my higher power would look after me and that what is meant to be, will happen.
When I told my husband that I was going to see a lawyer, there was no drama on my part. I told him when he was sober. In the end it was the catalyst for him to go to AA but I didn't do it as manipulation. In my mind the marriage had ended. I agreed to stay while he stayed sober because I thought his sobriety wouldn't last long and it would buy me more time to get myself organised. He has stayed sober so far - 14 months. He could drink tomorrow and I know I would leave him and because of my belief in a higher power, I am calm about that. If it is meant to be, then it means God has better plans for me.
When I told my husband that I was going to see a lawyer, there was no drama on my part. I told him when he was sober. In the end it was the catalyst for him to go to AA but I didn't do it as manipulation. In my mind the marriage had ended. I agreed to stay while he stayed sober because I thought his sobriety wouldn't last long and it would buy me more time to get myself organised. He has stayed sober so far - 14 months. He could drink tomorrow and I know I would leave him and because of my belief in a higher power, I am calm about that. If it is meant to be, then it means God has better plans for me.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Circle,
It is normal to be stuck in a rut. That's the nature of this. How long you stay stuck seems to be the varying factor.
I think that coming to S/R will help solidify what you believe you want, and help empower you to act on the decisions that stay up in your head for awhile.
I made the decision to divorce my husband after the kids were older - could stay at home alone for short periods of time, get rides to things from friends when needed. Managing the family was one of reasons I dragged my feet. But one thing I did was to never shame my children, and to allow them to express their feelings. I think these are (some of) the dynamics of an alcoholic system.
It is normal to be stuck in a rut. That's the nature of this. How long you stay stuck seems to be the varying factor.
I think that coming to S/R will help solidify what you believe you want, and help empower you to act on the decisions that stay up in your head for awhile.
I made the decision to divorce my husband after the kids were older - could stay at home alone for short periods of time, get rides to things from friends when needed. Managing the family was one of reasons I dragged my feet. But one thing I did was to never shame my children, and to allow them to express their feelings. I think these are (some of) the dynamics of an alcoholic system.
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