Contact with XAH's parents....
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Contact with XAH's parents.... Well I just got a birthday card from Mr.Sofa's parents.
Let Me say that they have not talked to me ONCE since we separated. It's been bugging the crap out of Me. This will be the SECOND time they have turned their backs on Me since they found out the severity of their son's addiction.
I called a few weeks back and left a message on their voice mail telling them that I love them and if they ever want to call Me, I am here.
This was written in the Birthday Card that was supposed to be for Me:
Sofa~
Thank you for your message. To be honest, I couldn't call you as it is too painful. Your break up with Mr.Sofa has broken our hearts. But it's in God's hands now.
We are extremely proud of Mr.Sofa and how he got right back up and is working His program.
We wish you every success and happiness.
Now....
Was this supposed to be a Birthday card for Me? Or a way for them to let Me know how disappointed they are in Me for sticking to my bottom line?
URGH!!!!!!!!!! I wrote a long e mail to them last night and then deleted it.
They need help and support. They have NO tools on how to deal with this and at some point will bury their Son if they carry on like this.
I want to talk to them....but I'm afraid I will be in "the dance" again if I do.
Any thoughts? Anyone?
It's really been bothering Me and I am not sure how to let this go.
Let Me say that they have not talked to me ONCE since we separated. It's been bugging the crap out of Me. This will be the SECOND time they have turned their backs on Me since they found out the severity of their son's addiction.
I called a few weeks back and left a message on their voice mail telling them that I love them and if they ever want to call Me, I am here.
This was written in the Birthday Card that was supposed to be for Me:
Sofa~
Thank you for your message. To be honest, I couldn't call you as it is too painful. Your break up with Mr.Sofa has broken our hearts. But it's in God's hands now.
We are extremely proud of Mr.Sofa and how he got right back up and is working His program.
We wish you every success and happiness.
Now....
Was this supposed to be a Birthday card for Me? Or a way for them to let Me know how disappointed they are in Me for sticking to my bottom line?
URGH!!!!!!!!!! I wrote a long e mail to them last night and then deleted it.
They need help and support. They have NO tools on how to deal with this and at some point will bury their Son if they carry on like this.
I want to talk to them....but I'm afraid I will be in "the dance" again if I do.
Any thoughts? Anyone?
It's really been bothering Me and I am not sure how to let this go.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
I'd just let it go. He is their son and they are most likely going to believe him over you. If you write them, they talk to him, he contacts you about it, yada, yada, yada. It sucks, but many times after relationships end, we don't get to explain our side, the truth doesn't come out, we don't get to have the last word, or find out the WHYS of things that happen. Just accept that this chapter of your life is over and move on to more happy and fulfilling matters.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Suki is right... they will always love their son... that is their job on earth. It IS painful to feel that you can't explain your side... at least they wished you success and happiness... take that and let it go...we just gotta let it go... and let God.
We're here for you.
We're here for you.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
so its your birthday, huh? HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i agree, try to let it go. if i remember correctly, it hasn't been that long since he's been gone, so imo, its kind of early for them to sound the trumpet. i hope he's doing fine but who knows, maybe he's up to his old tricks, manipulating others. recovery is a life long process, and relapse can happen at any time. aren't you glad you no longer sit in that front row seat?
in time you may just get a different card with a whole different message from him and them. still praying for ya
i agree, try to let it go. if i remember correctly, it hasn't been that long since he's been gone, so imo, its kind of early for them to sound the trumpet. i hope he's doing fine but who knows, maybe he's up to his old tricks, manipulating others. recovery is a life long process, and relapse can happen at any time. aren't you glad you no longer sit in that front row seat?
in time you may just get a different card with a whole different message from him and them. still praying for ya
happy Birthday and don't let this ruin a great day!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I want to talk to them....but I'm afraid I will be in "the dance" again if I do.
Ah, 'the dance'. I know it all too well. I am fighting that myself as well as of late. Pull myself out, get sucked back in, pull myself out, back in...rinse and repeat.
I agree with the others. Shred the card, bottom line is he's their son. Take the high road and let it go.
Happy Birthday!!
Ah, 'the dance'. I know it all too well. I am fighting that myself as well as of late. Pull myself out, get sucked back in, pull myself out, back in...rinse and repeat.
I agree with the others. Shred the card, bottom line is he's their son. Take the high road and let it go.
Happy Birthday!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
That's life. It hurts for a moment but then it passes and we move on. If it's over between you and him, it's over. Maybe sending that card brought his parents closure. I'd shred it or burn it as a way of saying goodbye to the past and a sign of my commitment to personal growth and better tomorrow.
Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
First and most importantly-
7
Happy Birthday to you!!
Okay I am done being nice, the bitch is back!!
I don't believe them. (JMHO)
I would have thought a card that simply said. "I'm sorry I didn't call you back. It isn't you, it is just to painful for me. I have to detach from you.I wish you success and happiness."
That is closure. That is nice. That is honest.
Acceptance is the key.
They told you it is too painful for them to talk to you. Like YOU want to be anyones pain? Accept them.
I've read enough of your posts that I think I know you. Heck- I am sure you would be the first person to be happy for your ex. Like you want him or ANY addict to continue to suffer? Nope- Lets just celebrate the good news!
No, I don't really believe it, but I respect their opinion and belief. Or their denial!!!!
7 Happy Birthday to you!!Okay I am done being nice, the bitch is back!!
Sofa~
Thank you for your message. To be honest, I couldn't call you as it is too painful. Your break up with Mr.Sofa has broken our hearts. But it's in God's hands now.
But they can send you a birthday card??? To tell you THEIR heart is broken? (What a thoughtful gift to you on your birthday!
We are extremely proud of Mr.Sofa and how he got right back up and is working His program.
Well I'm so glead they are proud of their son working his recovery. I'm proud that YOU are working yours!!
We wish you every success and happiness.
Thank you for your message. To be honest, I couldn't call you as it is too painful. Your break up with Mr.Sofa has broken our hearts. But it's in God's hands now.
But they can send you a birthday card??? To tell you THEIR heart is broken? (What a thoughtful gift to you on your birthday!
We are extremely proud of Mr.Sofa and how he got right back up and is working His program.
Well I'm so glead they are proud of their son working his recovery. I'm proud that YOU are working yours!!
We wish you every success and happiness.
I would have thought a card that simply said. "I'm sorry I didn't call you back. It isn't you, it is just to painful for me. I have to detach from you.I wish you success and happiness."
That is closure. That is nice. That is honest.
Acceptance is the key.
They told you it is too painful for them to talk to you. Like YOU want to be anyones pain? Accept them.
I've read enough of your posts that I think I know you. Heck- I am sure you would be the first person to be happy for your ex. Like you want him or ANY addict to continue to suffer? Nope- Lets just celebrate the good news!
No, I don't really believe it, but I respect their opinion and belief. Or their denial!!!!
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hey SL- "But they can send you a birthday card??? To tell you THEIR heart is broken? (What a thoughtful gift to you on your birthday!)"
That's exactly how I feel about it. That wasn't a card for Me....it was for them. It was about them and Mr.Sofa. Better to have not sent a card at all, but I feel she (cause I know it was his mom that wrote it...who has been in AA mind you) was being antagonistic. Shouldn't she know by now not to be mad at Me, but the addiction? You would think so, huh? I've been with Her Son for 10 years...when is enough enough?
They are literally going to love their son to death. It scares me.
I did send an e mail with an attachment for the local AlaNon and NarANon meetings in the area, and also the phone number to His counselor from rehab who wants to speak to them. I ended it with an I love you and a thank you for the card, but I'm not really sure it was for Me.
What did I get back? A snide comment.
WTF? I didn't DO anything...their son took drugs and I AM THE VILLIAN?
URGH!!!!!!!!!!
I am dealing with issues of abandonment at the moment, and also feel very very betrayed. I am going to work through why I am reacting this way. I know it's coming from somewhere....but their turning their backs on Me has really been upsetting Me this whole time. I need to get past it. It does hurt.
As for my Birthday? It's on Sunday and every birthday I try to do something I've never done before. So this Sunday I am going out to an exotic animal rescue that one of my clients has, and I am going to pet Tigers!!! Neat! I am so excited.
Thanks for the Birthday wishes all. I will shake this off....burn that card in my fireplace tonight and MOVE ON!!! Or at least do my best to try!
That's exactly how I feel about it. That wasn't a card for Me....it was for them. It was about them and Mr.Sofa. Better to have not sent a card at all, but I feel she (cause I know it was his mom that wrote it...who has been in AA mind you) was being antagonistic. Shouldn't she know by now not to be mad at Me, but the addiction? You would think so, huh? I've been with Her Son for 10 years...when is enough enough?
They are literally going to love their son to death. It scares me.
I did send an e mail with an attachment for the local AlaNon and NarANon meetings in the area, and also the phone number to His counselor from rehab who wants to speak to them. I ended it with an I love you and a thank you for the card, but I'm not really sure it was for Me.
What did I get back? A snide comment.
WTF? I didn't DO anything...their son took drugs and I AM THE VILLIAN?
URGH!!!!!!!!!!
I am dealing with issues of abandonment at the moment, and also feel very very betrayed. I am going to work through why I am reacting this way. I know it's coming from somewhere....but their turning their backs on Me has really been upsetting Me this whole time. I need to get past it. It does hurt.
As for my Birthday? It's on Sunday and every birthday I try to do something I've never done before. So this Sunday I am going out to an exotic animal rescue that one of my clients has, and I am going to pet Tigers!!! Neat! I am so excited.
Thanks for the Birthday wishes all. I will shake this off....burn that card in my fireplace tonight and MOVE ON!!! Or at least do my best to try!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Happy coming Birthday!!!!
:day6
You have been doing so well with your recovery as far as I can tell from your posts. Don't let these people take that from you. Just detach and move on. It is their problem and they will realize someday their mistake in how they treated you.
Enjoy the Tigers...that sounds so COOL!!!!
:day6
You have been doing so well with your recovery as far as I can tell from your posts. Don't let these people take that from you. Just detach and move on. It is their problem and they will realize someday their mistake in how they treated you.
Enjoy the Tigers...that sounds so COOL!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by sofacat 
[
That wasn't a card for Me....it was for them. It was about them and Mr.Sofa.
That wasn't a card for Me....it was for them. It was about them and Mr.Sofa.
We do not have power over other people so why give this thoughtless situation power over you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by sofacat
Hey SL- "But they can send you a birthday card??? To tell you THEIR heart is broken? (What a thoughtful gift to you on your birthday!)"
That's exactly how I feel about it. That wasn't a card for Me....it was for them. It was about them and Mr.Sofa. Better to have not sent a card at all, but I feel she (cause I know it was his mom that wrote it...who has been in AA mind you) was being antagonistic. Shouldn't she know by now not to be mad at Me, but the addiction? You would think so, huh? I've been with Her Son for 10 years...when is enough enough?
They are literally going to love their son to death. It scares me.
WTF? I didn't DO anything...their son took drugs and I AM THE VILLIAN?
URGH!!!!!!!!!!
I am dealing with issues of abandonment at the moment, and also feel very very betrayed. I am going to work through why I am reacting this way. I know it's coming from somewhere....but their turning their backs on Me has really been upsetting Me this whole time. I need to get past it. It does hurt.
That's exactly how I feel about it. That wasn't a card for Me....it was for them. It was about them and Mr.Sofa. Better to have not sent a card at all, but I feel she (cause I know it was his mom that wrote it...who has been in AA mind you) was being antagonistic. Shouldn't she know by now not to be mad at Me, but the addiction? You would think so, huh? I've been with Her Son for 10 years...when is enough enough?
They are literally going to love their son to death. It scares me.
WTF? I didn't DO anything...their son took drugs and I AM THE VILLIAN?
URGH!!!!!!!!!!
I am dealing with issues of abandonment at the moment, and also feel very very betrayed. I am going to work through why I am reacting this way. I know it's coming from somewhere....but their turning their backs on Me has really been upsetting Me this whole time. I need to get past it. It does hurt.
You will be the villian, as I am too. They may just do that, love their son to death but the fact remains- he is THEIR son and you are not their daughter. I feel your pain as it is the same story for me. Oh, and it's my fault too!
Good luck
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
OTL-...so why give this thoughtless situation power over you?
I don't know. I can't figure out why this is bothering Me so much. It's okay if people are upset with Me. I can't fix everything...hell that's how I got here in the first place. But this is family, and it hits you way down deep. That takes a minute to get over (or 2 months and 14 days )
ladyhawk...You will be the villian, as I am too.
That part really hurts. Especially when you have given no reason for them to ever see you in that light. Why would they be so quick to judge? I have always been good to them and their Son. Hell...so good I ended up hurting myself in the end. I will speak only truth now, even if it hurts a little...them not Me.
I did write an e mail....CODIE RELAPSE!!
I know, I know. I'll get over it. My compulsion got the best of Me....this time. I guess I just needed to let some air out of the tires.
This is what it said:
(she wrote) Of course the card was for you – your birthday is Sunday.
i wrote:
No, that card was about you and Mr.Sofa. How hurt you are and how well you think he’s doing.
It had nothing to do with my birthday...my birthday was an afterthought.
I know you are upset, but try to be mad at the addiction and not Me.
I didn’t cause this, I can’t cure it and I can’t control it.
Mr.Sofa made his choice, and I had to make choices for myself too.
The decision to separate was from BOTH of us during His stay in rehab when I was asked to make a list of boundaries by his counselors.
His relapse wasn’t the core issue, the lying and the money issues started to surface as well. I had to stick to my bottom line.
He was never asked to move out, he was asked to go back into rehab. He made His choice, and I am scared for what may come. But it is out of my hands.
I couldn’t be faced with waking up one morning and finding him dead. I couldn’t bare to go through that, and that is a possibility.
I have been living with this now for 10 years. When is enough enough for Me? Not for Him, but for ME?
I have also realized how my enabling has been feeding his addiction, and I cannot play a part in that anymore.
It is what it is....but this has NOTHING to do with you. We have been a part of each others lives for 10 years now, and I considered you family.
But you have once again made the choice to turn your backs on Me completely and I am trying to work to a path of forgiveness.
I am here, I am the same, I am trying to live my life and take care of things the best way I know how.
I would think that the two of you would be happy to know that I am okay,
But I am saddened that you haven’t even asked. Or even cared to call and say Hello.
That hurts Me and I am working through it.
I wish you all the best and I hope and pray that the two of you find the support you need in all of this.
Both of your son’s are addicts, and it would be very helpful for you to get some tools for yourselves in dealing with this.
But, that is your choice to make. It took Me ten years to get here, I can’t expect you to get it overnight either.
~Sofa
That wasn't so bad, right?
I don't know. I can't figure out why this is bothering Me so much. It's okay if people are upset with Me. I can't fix everything...hell that's how I got here in the first place. But this is family, and it hits you way down deep. That takes a minute to get over (or 2 months and 14 days
)ladyhawk...You will be the villian, as I am too.
That part really hurts. Especially when you have given no reason for them to ever see you in that light. Why would they be so quick to judge? I have always been good to them and their Son. Hell...so good I ended up hurting myself in the end. I will speak only truth now, even if it hurts a little...them not Me.
I did write an e mail....CODIE RELAPSE!!
I know, I know. I'll get over it. My compulsion got the best of Me....this time. I guess I just needed to let some air out of the tires.
This is what it said:
(she wrote) Of course the card was for you – your birthday is Sunday.
i wrote:
No, that card was about you and Mr.Sofa. How hurt you are and how well you think he’s doing.
It had nothing to do with my birthday...my birthday was an afterthought.
I know you are upset, but try to be mad at the addiction and not Me.
I didn’t cause this, I can’t cure it and I can’t control it.
Mr.Sofa made his choice, and I had to make choices for myself too.
The decision to separate was from BOTH of us during His stay in rehab when I was asked to make a list of boundaries by his counselors.
His relapse wasn’t the core issue, the lying and the money issues started to surface as well. I had to stick to my bottom line.
He was never asked to move out, he was asked to go back into rehab. He made His choice, and I am scared for what may come. But it is out of my hands.
I couldn’t be faced with waking up one morning and finding him dead. I couldn’t bare to go through that, and that is a possibility.
I have been living with this now for 10 years. When is enough enough for Me? Not for Him, but for ME?
I have also realized how my enabling has been feeding his addiction, and I cannot play a part in that anymore.
It is what it is....but this has NOTHING to do with you. We have been a part of each others lives for 10 years now, and I considered you family.
But you have once again made the choice to turn your backs on Me completely and I am trying to work to a path of forgiveness.
I am here, I am the same, I am trying to live my life and take care of things the best way I know how.
I would think that the two of you would be happy to know that I am okay,
But I am saddened that you haven’t even asked. Or even cared to call and say Hello.
That hurts Me and I am working through it.
I wish you all the best and I hope and pray that the two of you find the support you need in all of this.
Both of your son’s are addicts, and it would be very helpful for you to get some tools for yourselves in dealing with this.
But, that is your choice to make. It took Me ten years to get here, I can’t expect you to get it overnight either.
~Sofa
That wasn't so bad, right?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
First off Happy Early Birthday!
I'm sorry that they did that to you. I have to keep telling myself that I don't know how I would react if my son was going through this. I would like to think that I would love him unconditionally yet still stand my ground and expect my child to be accountable for their actions. Your IL's seems a lot like mine and you are I seem to be living very parallel lives right now. I have IL's that love unconditionally and support their son to the point they can not see all the horrible things he has done. They will bail him out of anything that they feel will keep him out of trouble, but they also don't expect him to do the right thing especially when it comes to me and their grandson. I had a horrible confrontation with them today so wounds are fresh.
I think your e-mail was good and it was something you needed to do for yourself. I hope you can put some of this behind you now because if they are as stubborn and selfish as mine are they won't budge.
I'm sorry that they did that to you. I have to keep telling myself that I don't know how I would react if my son was going through this. I would like to think that I would love him unconditionally yet still stand my ground and expect my child to be accountable for their actions. Your IL's seems a lot like mine and you are I seem to be living very parallel lives right now. I have IL's that love unconditionally and support their son to the point they can not see all the horrible things he has done. They will bail him out of anything that they feel will keep him out of trouble, but they also don't expect him to do the right thing especially when it comes to me and their grandson. I had a horrible confrontation with them today so wounds are fresh.
I think your e-mail was good and it was something you needed to do for yourself. I hope you can put some of this behind you now because if they are as stubborn and selfish as mine are they won't budge.
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