Mishka929

So backstory... dated this guy for almost 4 years during high school and into college. We had 3 wonderful amazing years. Did the normal teenage stuff drink, smoke some weed, nothing too crazy. The last 6 months we started experiencing more and I became addicted to coke and pills. I hit my bottom and went to rehab and stayed for 3 months and eventually moving out of state into a halfway house and ended up staying there and making a life for myself. Through the whole time stayed in contact with him and his family. Not too much just calls every few months or so. I stayed away for almost 4 years. I recently moved back home with my parents to finish school and such and I am still clean and sober. I have seen my ex once in passing and talked with him on the phone once but I am still in contact with his family especially his sister. At first I didn't realize how far this disease has progressed with him but have recently become aware. He is addicted to heroin. He started with pills and that got to expensive so he moved on to the needle. He is now jobless, selling his personal belongings, stealing from family and just all that stuff that eventually happens with no help. Apparently he does want help but really has no resources to get the help. No insurance no money nothing. He did recently go into a detox but it was a very short term program(only 7 days) and the basically get him out with no help in what to do next. I feel like as a recovering addict it is my duty to help someone who is in need of it. He really has no family only a sister and a grandmother or are both at the end of there rope with him. He lives with his grandma but she is almost in her 80's and can't take this anymore. Im wondering if I should go see him and try to help him in ways that I can such as taking him to meetings be there as support etc. I still love and care about him. FYI i am in a relationship with an amazing person for over two years now but I am sure he wouldn't be comfortable with me spending time with him. I am just so confused about what to do. Do you think helping him would hurt my own sobriety? Please any help would be appreciated!!

Nina Kay

Hi Mishka. I don't have any wise words to say to you, but I do want to say that I can see that you are a very caring person. However, it does sound like you are too close to him to be able to help him without risk to your own sobriety. Since you go to meetings, isn't there anyone there that you could maybe send to help him, if you think he would really benefit from anyone's help right now? Please do try to remember that when one truly wants to recover, they will be willing to do anything that they need to in order to have recovery. That's all I can say right now. Maybe someone wiser will be along to help you out. Be sure that you take care of your own sobriety first though. You won't be able to help anyone ever if you are in trouble yourself.

teke

HI welcome to sr. congratulations on your sobriety. i'm a recovering addict with 8yrs clean and was married to an active addict for 1wk short of 24yrs. it was extremely hard for me to stay sober while my husband insisted on being active in his addiction.

the literature says to change people, places and things. things seem to be going good for you now, why would you want to take that risk? fisrt of all, there really is not much you can do to help him, he has to want to help himself.

salvation army has a good program, there may be state funded rehabs in his area and there is aa or na support groups.

imo, i think it would be a good idea for you to continue to focus on you and the life you have now. he'll find a way to get help when he's ready. they say "let go or be dragged.

Mishka929

Thanks for your replies..I have been sober since 9/29/2005 so almost 5 years. Because I recently moved back, I have gone to a few meetings here but have not really gotten together a support group here. I talk to my sponsor 3-4 times a week and other people from my previous groups at least once a week. I live in a EXTREMELY small town and don't really know people who he would talk to that could help in. Being that I know him and his history, I thought it would be a good idea for me to do it and share my experience strength and hope with him. I am pretty confident in my sobriety and run a pretty good program. I do completely understand that he is a person place or thing but what about just introducing him to the program and what he does from there is on him?? Me and his sister have been working diligently on getting him somewhere but we keep getting the no beds available story. He does want help from what his sister says but she also says he doesn't want to listen to her because he feels that he's attacking him. To be honest, my sponsor doesn't believe that its a good idea knowing my history with him but I feel like I am doing a huge disservice my sitting back and doing nothing.

teke

its your choice. i'm just trying to share my esp. i thought i was pretty sure of my sobriety too, until i relapsed after 9yrs, trying to help my addicted husband find his way. another time it was 5yrs then relapsed. maybe this won't happen with you, i pray not anyway.

your special friend won't be comfortable with you spending time with him yet you are willing to risk possible trouble in your new relationship? i'm sorry but i just don't understand your willingness to be responsible for his recovery, imo, when he's really ready, he'll find his own way. him not listening to his sister only says to me that he don't sound ready, i could be wrong though, i'm not an expert.

Spiritual Seeker

If you want to work the 12th step and carry the message...invite him to meet you at
a meeting.
Be cautious not to be co-dependent with him. Your sobriety comes 1st...
Be cautious too, that he is not a trigger.

laurie6781

One of the FIRST things I learned in AA was that it was advisable to NOT 12 step anyone I was emotionally involved with as it would be too easy to end up back where they are rather than stay where I was.

Give him a 'meeting list' of the local NA/AA meetings. You could also give him the number of the nearest Salvation Army near you as they have a WONDERFUL program and IT IS FREE.

I do believe it would be better for him to work with men, in his early recovery.

As much as you 'want/desire' to help him, YOUR OWN recovery must come first always.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Carol Star

Don't they suggest men help men and women help women?

ladyhawk69

You would be wise not to contact him at all. Send him the literature. If your life is happy now then why would you want to step back? You can't fix him. Only HE can. My exab's parents help him thinking they are really helping and it has NEVER worked. He only has learned what he can get away with and that people will help him pick up his pieces. Let him do it on his OWN. Someday, he will thank you for it.

teke

i've been in 5-7 day detoxes a few times, each time i was there, i WAS introduced to the 12 step program but it wasn't until i was ready to commit to doing the work that i got sober. while in detox, it is more than likely your friend has already been introduced to the program and may already know how to get the help he needs when he's ready.

he says he's ready but what are his actions saying. think about it, you could help just by being an example, keep the focus on you.

Insulated

he's an addict. you know him. so what. his family does too. if he asks you - i'd just steer him in the direction of meetings. he certainly caught this nugget in the 7 day rehab anyways. you do what you need to do to maintain your sobriety and current relationship. that is your only duty...to yourself.

hello-kitty

Hi. Welcome. Aren't you just GRATEFUL You got out of that lifestyle?!!! Smart girl. Look where you would have ended up.

nope. nope. nope. His words say he wants help to quit but what do his actions tell you? Is he still using? because if he is, that doesn't indicate a willingness on his part to do what it takes to recover.

Seriously. How in the world do you think you would you help him? Pay for his rehab? Drive him to meetings? Watch him every minute of the day so that you can try to stop him from sticking a needle in his arm? Clean up his p-ke and cr-p when he's going through withdrawals?

There's really not much you can do for an addict that still using except to not baby them, not to give them money, not to try to save them and not to protect them from the consequences of their use. You can't help him hit bottom. Actually the more help you give him, the further away from the bottom he gets.

As a recovering addict - I know that most addicts SAY they want to quit. However, they don't want to do the work necessary to quit and they ALWAYS find an excuse NOT to quit. (No resources, family doesn't care, no one will help, I'll quit tomorrow, blah, blah, blah, quack, quack, quack.)

He knows where the detox is. I'm assuming he's heard of AA and NA? He can find the number for a FREE salvation army program in the phone book. So unless you are going to pay 10s of 1000s of dollars for a fancy rehab, he's got all the resources he needs. If an addict is willing to quit. They will. They will do whatever it takes to stay clean and no one will be able to stop them.

Learn2Live

I suggest you give Al-Anon or Nar-Anon a try.

Freedom1990

I 'thought' I had a pretty strong program too at 4 years. Out the window it went with me 'thinking' I could help someone very close to me who was using.

I was lucky to make it back alive.

That is a mistake I can assure you I will never make again.

There are millions of recovering addicts/alcoholics in this world.

I'd be willing to bet he could find the help if he wanted it badly enough.

At any rate, beware of self-sabotage. I was an expert at that until I got tired of hurting.

Freedom1990

Actually they do, and with good reason.

Mishka929

Thank you all for your replies. As far as his current situation, I only know what his family his telling me. I haven't talked to or seen him since September and at the point I didn't know that he was using heroin. I talked to his sister and gave her some useful information. As far as helping him, for your advice and talking with other recovering addicts, I am just going to help with what I can...from a distance. I get put my life in jeopardy by helping him. Yes I do know that men with the men and women with the women as far as recovery goes, but I was also taught that you should help anyone no matter if they are a women or a man. But in this situation, he could possibly be a trigger for me knowing my history with him. I know deep down the person he is and can be thats what makes it hard...I had medical insurance and was very grateful to have parents who cared about me and had the financial resources to help me as he does not. He is now on the waiting list for a few places and hopefully he will get in very soon and start his journey to recovery. Again thank you all for your advice and opinions.

StillLearning1

Mishka-
I say this with love and from the viewpoint of the otherside- your family.
If you even THINK he could be a trigger for you. NO!! Big fat NO!!