Hope44

Hello, this is my first time posting here, though I've been visiting for several months. We (my husband and I) have a 22 year old daughter, living at home, who we believe is still using heroin. We are finding needles in her drawer, on her nightstand, and money has recently gone missing, among other signs. We confront her and she is the Queen of excuses (i.e. the needles are from a long time ago). I know it is an addict's MO to deny and lie... she insists she hasn't used since Christmas but my eyes are seeing differently.

My question - does anyone have advice on the best way to go about getting a random drug test done? And is one kind of test better than another? She said she would go for one but I have a sense she is calling our bluff, like she did once before. This drug test would need to be highly accurate and with little to no chance that she could do something to fudge it. Trust is gone.

Sorry if this post sounds cold and to the point. We have been dealing with this, on and off, for about two years. I think what we really need to do is kick her out - but - if there even one small chance that she is being truthful about not using... is there any way we can know?

I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks so much.

teke

hi, welcome to sr. sorry about your daughter. i'm a recovering addict or 8yrs who was married to an active addict of 23+yrs. i never tried the drug testing, for one reason, i knew my addict husband(ah) knew many ways to fake pass them.

what worked best for me was to follow my gut feelings, which was usually right on, watch his actions and not pay too much attention to what he said. addicts will lie to protect their addictions and consequence that may follow.

others will be along shortly with more experience with testing, so please stick around.

leelee5675

Just two things I know for SURE in response to your post:

1. There are many, many ways to pass a drug test if the addict has the slightest warning that it's coming. So be sure you don't tell her anything in advance and just spring it on her. Since you mentioned it already, she may be prepared for the first one and you might want to do one then spring another one on her about a week later if she passes the first one. I don't know the specifics on the drug tests. I only know there are clinics where you can have them done, and there are some forms of home tests. If you have a good rapport with your family doctor, he/she should be able to help you with that.

2. You will never have peace in your home as long as your addict is living there. I have had to kick my daughter out twice. In the process I wound up with the responsibility of my 5-year-old granddaughter. I let my daughter come back the first time to help me with the child. All the chaos that was there before (and she had been through rehab) came rushing back in. I realized that, as hard as it is on me to take care of this young child, nothing is worth having the craziness in my home that comes with addiction. If you need to, feel free to private message me if you have questions about removing an addict from your home.

I wish you both the best. I know what you're going through and I ache for you. Please don't think you are sounding cold or cruel. You have been through enough and it is probably time to take your lives back and let her fall. Mine has been a 10 year ride...my daughter is 32. When I finally removed her from my home for good with no chance of coming back EVER, she got out, got a job and finally appears to be sober (who knows for how long...like you said...trust is gone.)

Teke is right, hang in there and someone will be along that will give you more specifics on the testing.

idahoone

I agree with others before me- the addict in my life (now in recovery) is my 23 year old son. I agree about the tests- my son passed many a drug test while stll using. His addiction counselor told us to watch what they do- don't listen to what they say. It sounds to me like your daughter is using but only you and your husband can decide what boundaries are acceptable to you. My son has been clean for 3 years but still doesn't have a key to my house- and he hasn't lived with us for 5 years.

Welcome to SR-you will find great support here.

Ann

Welcome Hope.

The problem with drug tests is that if they pass, we never know if they cheated and if they fail, they will have 100 excuses as to why the test is wrong. It's amazing how many poppyseed bagels our addict kids seem to eat right before a drug test

I also find it demeaning...to the addict and to me.

What I learned with my addict son was that when we "know", we "KNOW". My instinct has told me way more than any drug test could ever do.

You found needles, money is missing, she has a bad attitude...trust your eyes.

Sadly, living with an active addict in the home is like living in their addiction with them. It's like having a front row seat to the drama and we tend to get "stuff" on us. It rarely works for either addict or parent.

What helped me survive was to find meetings and go. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here regain our balance and find our sanity again. Meetings saved my life.

Take a read around, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum and make yourself comfortable here. You are among friends who understand your pain.

Hugs

hello-kitty

Do you have any boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your house (beyond catching her with a needle in her arm). Because there is just no way to know for sure. Drug addicts will even deny the results of the test if it comes back positive.

I always found it better to base my decisions and boundaries on the behavior that I would accept in my life, not whether or not a person is using drugs.

For example.

I will not financially support an adult. If you are living here you must pay rent and contribute to the household finances.

I will not allow someone to be disrespectful to me in my home. If you talk disrespectfully, I will ask you to leave.

I will not let someone lounge around my house all day when I am at work. Expect to be up and out the door at 8am like the rest of us. Where you go is your business.

I will not willingly accept lies. If I suspect you are lying, I will ask you to leave.

I reserve the right to change my boundaries at anytime.

If I find one more needle in this house, I do not care if you are using or not, you will be asked to leave and I will change the locks.

If anything goes missing, same deal.

If you do not like my house rules, you are free to live somewhere else.

Don't allow yourself to be used mom. It does you AND your daughter a great diservice. Sometimes, we can love an addict to death by not facing reality.

Hope44

Thanks to all for sharing your stories, and the warm welcome and helpful advice. It's true – I don't think the drug test will work for the reason that there will always be that doubt, or more lies and excuses.

It's also true that this feels like sitting in the front row of a long drawn out drama when it's probably time to take my popcorn and take a back seat. What parent wants to kick their own child out onto the street. And yet it's confirmed to me, again and again, that this needs to happen, that she needs to face the consequences of her choices, full on. I agree.

It is just so difficult, ignoring that one shred of hope that believes she is going to wake up and say to herself, “What on earth am I doing? This is not what I was created for. These are not the dreams I dreamed.” I know she thinks these things... and aches tremendously... but I'm afraid the drug is more important right now.

Thanks everyone. The support here is amazing and greatly appreciated.

Soleus

Hello and welcome.

It is very easy to fake a drug test, I never would have guessed it if the addict in my life hadn't told me point blank. He took drug tests for a couple months while he was using that all came out clean even though he was using. I'm not sure all the ways to do it, mostly it's just asking a friend a favor and having it ready to use when the time comes (it can only last so long). He told me a few different ways because I asked him about it after he got out of rehab.

Many are right in just going with your gut but I can understand that you'd want concrete evidence. Addicts are very good talkers and I'm sure even though you know what's going on you still 1) have hope and 2) your daughter is very good at confusing and twisting the evidence in her favor. I know that experience very well.

Finally when our suspicious became too high we did a random drug test and made the addict pee in the cup in front of someone. That was the only way we could know for sure it wasn't being tampered with. And let me tell you that was an ordeal- we waited for hours for him to pee, just having them sit in the bathroom, giving him water and just waiting because even thought he was refusing we knew it would happen eventually. He couldn't leave the bathroom and someone watched the whole time, in case maybe he had some hid in a bathroom drawer or something. He knew he was in trouble then because there was no way to fake this one as he literally had to go to the bathroom in front of us. Sounds a little gross but it worked. Needless to say we got the positive drug test we'd been expecting for so long.

There is always an excuse. We boxed the take home drug test to send it to a lab for verification (because he said it was wrong) and left it on the kitchen table and wouldn't you know it, the next day the box had been opened and taped back up. Switched out of course, but he said he was just checking the label. Or something weird like that.

That's something that worked for us, just a suggestion. Keep coming back to the forum, it's very helpful.

Ann

Hope, "we" are not their only option. When I asked my son to leave, I gave him a list of detoxes, rehabs, shelters and AA and NA meetings. He could make the good choice to go to any of these places or the bad choice of continuing to use. It was his choice to make.

When he broke the boundaries of living at home, he made the choice to leave...all by himself. It wasn't about me making him leave, it was about him not doing what was required to stay.

It's a long road we walk, but we're walking with you here.

Hugs

idahoone

Hope,

As others said, we are not their only choice. I will neverforget one of the last times my AS left our home because we kicked him out - and it involved a police officer coming and telling him he was leaving and he couldn't take his car because it didn't belong to him- the sound of the wheels on his suitcase rolling on the sidewalk in the front of my house....well, it was like a knife through my heart. I wanted to run after him and bring him home...you know, cookies and milk, bandaids on his boo boo...the whole deal! Being the parent of an addict is so hard- we have to do things that feel totally wrong-but I know from my experiences that my actions helped my son get sober. Today, he manages a fitness club and has a wonderful girlfriend....you would never know where we were a few years ago.

We are here for you....if you haven't tried an alanon or naranon meeting, perhaps that would be a good step to try. I also found "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie to be helpful to me.

Hugs from one Mom to another,

teke

i'm a recovering addict with 8yrs clean. my family totally walked away from me and allowed me to fall as low as i wanted to go. then and only then was i able to see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become. that bottom drove me to be desperated for help and remembering that bottom is what inspires me to do whatever it takes to stay sober. today i'm eternally grateful they let me fall and now our relationship is even better than it was before addiction.

on the other hand, my mother in law(mil) of 24yrs could never let my addict husband(ah)go, even after i had to, she enabled him to the end. he passed away in 02/10.

when the addict have all or most of their basic needs supplied by someone else, all they have to be concerned about is how to supply their drugs and until they are ready to quit on their own for themselves, they will find a way to use and it does get progressively worse.

i know its very painful to watch but letting go now may be what helps to save her life tomorrow. it really is one of the most loving things you can do for her. do you have any boundaries with consequence for yourself in place? alanon or naranon f2f support groups are very helpful. you and your daughter are in my prayers.

Hope44

Thanks again to all for your help and support. As for boundaries, yes we have set them. One of our boundaries was no boyfriend in her bedroom behind closed doors. She chose to not respect this and now her boyfriend is no longer allowed here. (It was either that or remove her bedroom door from its hinges.) Surprisingly she has not been nagging us about letting him come over.

As it was mentioned, she is an expert at confusing the boundaries. For example, when we find needles in her room, (the rule is "No drug paraphernalia in the home") she will say it's from long ago, or the needles weren't used - she only got them in a moment of weakness, or she just messed up once but has been doing so much better and why won't we believe her.)

Ugh, this is so hard, as you all know. I want to give her one more chance, making it ultra clear that it doesn't matter if her needles are from 10,000 B.C. - if they end up in our home, she goes. She has it good here. Our deal was as long as she was in school (she's currently a senior in college) she could eat and sleep here for free. We do have her pay for phone and car.

She told us she is terrified of getting thrown out, that she wouldn't be able finish school, but I guess what I have to say to that is "Oh well." It was her choice. And she can always go back to school.

I can only imagine the nightmare it is having to call the police to escort your child out of the home. I hope and pray it never comes to that. If it does, I honestly don't see how I could be here for it.

Thanks for listening.