froglegs

First off I want to say a great big THANK YOU to everyone for all of your comments and support yesterday about how to stick to my guns.

I took your advice, went home, read my new Melody Beattie book, took a bath and relaxed..no turmoil in the house, things were peaceful.

That being said I am wondering....

Since I mentioned I wanted a divorce, showed him the paperwork I am filing on Thursday (I am doing it Pro Se...after 2 times I got this one, and it is uncontested...) he almost seems relieved too....It seems like he has a clear head on his shoulders, taking care of loose ends that I would normally do, packing lunches, taking care of business, new man.

I am trying not to confuse this with "wow, he can change" No, he can't and won't and I am definately sticking to my guns as far as following through with the divorce, but I am wondering do all divorces have to be nasty and difficult or can there be ones that go smoothly because both people want it and there is a sense of relief that the pressure of being in a codependant marriage is going to lift...

Does that make sense?

Most people I know who have gotten divorced fight all the way through, there are property battles, custody battles, name calling....It's awful...My friend and work and her ex fought all day on the phone..
That's not happening for us. I am confused because I do not have a fight in me...after all that has happened between us in the last 11 years I can't feel anger toward him for what has happened.... It's like I just accept it and move on, like it's normal behavior....My friend says thats because I don't feel love for him..in order to feel emotion about something you have to be passionate about it and thats not there anymore.

I remember hanging onto the back of his truck while he drove away crying, lying awake at night crying and wondering when he was going to come home, so scared that he may use again, so scared to be alone...I don't feel that anymore....nada. nothing.

So I am wondering is it possible to be good parents, and still parent as a team, attend functions, birthdays etc. with an ex present? Could we be friends after divorce? Is this still holding on and being codie or is this doing what is best for the kids, which is what our ultimate goal is...

They love their dad more than anything, and he is a good dad...I don't want to rock their world with this.....

I know this board consists of people who are experiencing the same things I am and can call me out on my thinking if it's way off, or I am still being codie...my friends say things like "Oh, that sounds good"...they have no clue..I know you guys do, so If I am looking at this with rose colored glasses, call me on it, please.

What do you think?

suki44883

Of course it's possible and happens quite often. But...this isn't over yet, so just keep your wits about you. As we all know, things can change in a split second.

Duped

I'm much in the same boat. In my experience I don't like my odds of being normal parents whilst being apart. I just don't see it. I cannot see us attending parties etc. together. My ex is still in complete denial, and likely always will be. She's a bully and will not stop at gaining the upper hand in any and all encounters.

When I split with mine, she went all straight and normal too. It was all an act. Not saying this is your situation but I wouldn't hold your breath either. Your AH will either change to accommodate your change or continue down his path. You just don't know how they are going to go. I have little faith mine will ever come good. I'm resigned to it.

Ceres

"I remember hanging onto the back of his truck while he drove away crying, lying awake at night crying and wondering when he was going to come home, so scared that he may use again, so scared to be alone...I don't feel that anymore....nada. nothing."

^ Look it's ME ;-)

My H is having ISSUES. But, he is being a good dad. He's at his parents house which makes me much more comfortable with the kids staying there.

LaTeeDa

A bit too soon to start predicting the future I would say. But, you are right, not all divorces are ugly. Mine was relatively smooth and we do have an amicable relationship for the most part.

L

RollTide

froglegs,
My husband and I recently divorced after a six year marriage due to his alcoholism. I simply had enough of the insanity. We had no children. It was very emotional...especially going through it over Thanksgiving and Christmas but it wasn't the bitter hateful mess that many go through. We each kept the assets we had going into the marriage and the divorce was very simple. We are still friends and have lately been spending time together walking and doing a few healthy things. He was in a tailspin and now *seems* to be serious about sobriety. I was in a tailspin, too. I go to alanon and leave his recovery up to him. I have no interest in ever being married to him again but I see no reason to hate him. He's still my best friend. If the craziness creeps back into my life then I will have to go no contact but for now things are going pretty good. I hope this helps and wish you the best.

saneagain

I am in a similar situation. Our divorce will soon be final. My STBX has been sober and is serious about his recovery for the first time. He wants me to give him another chance, but I will go through with the divorce. I used to make myself sick with worry when he drank, but eventually detached emotionally. It sounds like the same has happened with you. Although the guilt has been very difficult for me, the process of divorce has gone much smoother than I expected. My children and I have started healing and once again there is laughter in our home. I think it's very possible to have a civil divorce and to be able to co-parent effectively. Good luck!

barb dwyer

Wow - look at that - THREE similars in ont thread!

SUki has the same thought as me.
I've *heard* of them.
But then i've *heard* of white moose, too.

Just never come across one.

This is the perfect time
to be ready for the worst.
anything else is .... a pleasant suprise.

Pelican

I have kept a peaceful relationship with both my ex husbands. Peaceful divorces. Protecting the children, in both cases, were the priority.

I have taken vacations with my first ex and his partner and child. We often joke about living in a big commune and raising our tribes together. I refer to his wife as "my other wife".

My latest divorce was from an active alcoholic (11 months ago). He is now sober and working on his recovery. If he were still actively drinking and in denial about his behaviors, I am sure things would be different. I know that there would be no contact and there would be no visitation with our child if he were still drinking.

I learned how to live in peace with ex's from experience. My first husband had been married before we met. He had a child from that marriage. That marriage and resulting divorce were role models for what NOT to do when ending a relationship where a child is involved. It was awful.

RollTide

Like Saneagain my husband wanted another chance and we initially agreed to separate. He kept coming to my house drunk even though we were separated so I threatened him with a RO and proceeded with the divorce. Had he been as serious about recovery as he is now I would have separated with hopes of getting back together. The guilt that I feel is that I had our health insurance and he lost his when we divorced.

FindingPeace1

My mom asked my dad to move out (he is an alcoholic) after they had been married...10 years-ish. While they didn't get divorced until years later, they have had partners, etc.
My dad was a loser when it came to relating and coming around (he would flake out sometimes and no show). Nonetheless, they were friendly and still are. He took us out once a week-ish. We spent every holiday together (mom, dad, my sister and I). My dad chose not to bring his partner.
He is now remarried and we all spend holidays together. My mom, my dad and his wife, her kids, and my sister and her family.
My dad gave my mom the house so we would all be taken care of and they both went out of their way to make sure all was good on both sides.
It can be done!!

Freedom1990

Life works best for me when I stay in the moment, when I take things just as they are at that moment, and don't read into things (that always gets me into a world of trouble).

TakingCharge999

Let me share something... I have come to this forum several times wondering about dumb things such as running into ex in social events... I have posted like 4 threads about that, dreading it, etc well he has not gone to any of them. I just lost time.

Its like a videogame, when you got a problem you are also given the tools to solve it... or someone around to ask for help or advice.. and the inner compass to know what is true in your heart and disregard what doesn't help you.


In my case my parents divorced and my mom won't see my dad at all. And I don't think my dad would be comfortable seeing my mom either. So almost all our important events have been with our mom and dad being absent. Even for my sister's wedding... but we love them both anyway...