lulu1974

10 years ago I met a man a couple years younger than me who seemed fascinated with me like no one else ever was. He would do anything for me. He always bought me great gifts and sent flowers and always had a sense of being a very quiet and genuine man. Everyone loved him of course. I stayed with him for 3 years but he started to drink or maybe I started noticing the drinking. We took a 2 year break in which that time he never abandoned me..He played the friend card and would watch my dogs for me when I went away..would shovel the snow for me when he was off work and so slowly he found a way back into my heart. He improved himself and got a great job and his own apartment and told me he had been thru a hard time but finally grew up...So I gave him another chance...For those of you reading..you know how much I wish I can take that back now.
We started dating again and he put his best foot forward...he was still a social drinker and I didnt know about alcoholism back then. His grandmother passed away and so he started drinking again...Of course I understand at the time as they were very close...Then I got tired of it again and so he went out and bought me an enormous 2 carat engagment ring and spent everything his grandmother left him on it..I thought to myself..He must love me and I was stupid for not understanding why he was drinking.
So we set the date asnd then I wondered why he wouldnt move in before the wedding so we can save more money but ok..I thought that was romantic and everyone said what a nice guy he was and how lucky I was that he adored me.
I married him.
Little things started happening...Like he stopped being interested in my romatically. He said he couldnt sleep next to me anymore since I snored so he started sleeping in the other room..I went to doctors to consider surgery for this but they told me I didnt need it and that my husband needs to deal with it. But I always wondered why my breathing heavy bothered him when I knew when he had his own apartment he slept with all the windows opened and the traffic was way louder than my snoring. Little did I know at that time that is where he stashed his liquor. And to think I was always so rpud how he always took the garbage out with me having to ask. Makes more sense now.
Then he changed his car insurance over and never thought to tell me..all those little things that I couldnt help but wonder seemed basic stuff shared between husband and wife and yet he didnt seem to understand..
So then I started paying more attention...I confronted him..He drank a bottle of Jack Daniels after that and I heard him on the phone flirting with another woman..I ran down the stairs in tears and he followed me and fell down the stairs and busted his lip open...He called his sister and she came over and accused me of pushing him..She takes him to the hospital and says she will have me arrested. I call my family...we go to the hospital and things get put in perspective..I speak to the hospital about his drinking issue and they tell me they will give me pamphlets to take home..
So then I make a plan to leave even though this is my house but I couldnt take it anymore...Then he tells me he will go to therapy and he did and then he told me the therapist who is a young lady offered to take him to a AA mtg but didnt think he needed it as it just seemed he wasnt happy in his marriage.
Then he told me he just remembered he was sexually molested as a child...
I am not sure if i should leave, except before I can, he calls me from his job and says the FBI just raided his company and he may be in trouble...We need a lawyer..and not a normal one but a very expensive one..
So I get home and he is trashed of course...I dont know what to do,,His cousin wants us to use her lawyer but they arent the right kind so then she fights with me about this..Once again I am the bad guy because I dont unconditionally love my husband..He is drunk through all of this..
So then he admits what he has been doing and ends up cooperarting with the FBI and he gets to walk away after a hefty lawyer bill. So then he blames the drinking for his bad decisions and goes to a part time rehab clinic...I tell his family about the alcoholism and they seem supportive..I got to the rehab for family nights and try to learn and understand..he is so great he graduates early because he is so nice and genuine everyone thinks he is great. Except me..Then he starts telling his family stuff except he twists it to make me sound awful..
Then I found the empty vodka bottle and so I bravely ask him to leave..thinking maybe he needs a swift kick in the rear end..He goes to a hotel and has what he says was rockbottem and binge drinks and asks his cousin for help..The cousin puts him in rehab and tells me how much my husband loves me and he will get better..I say he cant live with me until he is sober.
Fast forward. I gave him so many chances after rehab #2 but he would come by for dinner and then tell me he had a football game to watch so he needed to leave early. That was our second date after rehab in 2 months..The first date he told me not to eat the breadsticks if I want to lose weight...that was the first thing he said to me. Yes I had gained 44 lbs in our marriage. Now I understand why..Remember this is a person who tells everyone how much he loves me.
He never moved back here. He still drinks and he lies and he found a new enabler now..His cousin because as you know I am crazy ( and I am after staying with him through all that). After a while he got his own apartment and still tried to reconcile....then I found him on match.com where he claimed he went to church every Sunday but listed himself as never married. We arent even legally separated. And lets not forget the adult affairs website he was on the whole time he was trying to reconcile and make our marriage work. Nothing like reading what your husband wants to do to other woman to put things in perspective. I snooped so I got my answer alright. This information crippled me and sent me into sanity like never before..It wasnt logical and I wanted to be wrong..except I wasnt wrong.
Then it came out he never finished college even though I was at his graduation..he still had one class left..which is funny as he had to fax his diploma to his new job..I dont even want to know about that lie.
So now..the family thinks I am crazy cause he stopped speaking to me after I confronted him about these things so I went to see him..He ran away from me in his car and make me look like I was the biggest idiot ever. He now tells everyone I was the issue and has blocked me in every way possible and is moving on with his life and filing for divorce. He cant face me anyways and my self worth isnt based on his actions but what a way to learn who your husband really is...And I am the monster to his family because I didnt stick by him and if I only took him back after the second rehab things would be different and he wouldnt be drinking so this is my fault they say and I deserve all the heartbreak I can get..
This is dedictated to the people out there who think if they support them things will get better. Now I may lose half my house...I am better yes but what a price I paid. My sanity, my dignity, my self respect, my heart, my innocence, 8 years of my life..I dont want him back and I regret I married him. I used to feel bad I didnt have children. Now I am so happy that I dont have them..No one should live this way. Thanks for letting me vent this out. This is the first time I shared my full story and writing this out made me a bit sad but also made me move up my attorney date to sooner than Friday..He thinks he will keep hurting me and get me back..but he wont. You feel it when its over and its a peaceful feeling.

wicked

Oh, yes it is.
Thank you for sharing your story lulu.
I appreciate it.

freefalling

Dear Lulu

He thinks he will keep hurting me and get me back..but he wont.

Thanks for this. I can relate. The traits of alcoholism are the same all over the world.

Be strong.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Lulu!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and share your story. I can relate to your story. I had the fairytale romance with my X.

Now I know that getting swept off my feet results in me landing on my A**.

Concerning what his family thinks of you:
One of our members has this in their signature line:
What other people think of me is none of my business.

His family is in denial. They are shifting the blame to you. You, however, do not have to accept the blame. His actions = His consequences.

I'm glad you found us and hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

(((Lulu)))

cinderellawkids

Thanks for sharing, it certainly does seem alcoholics all follow the same line, pattern, whatever along with blame and denial.
Let go what his family thinks, they will see in time. Remember time heals all wounds and also shows people for who they are.
Im happy for you finding peace. Sometimes I wish for all of us that it had not had taken so long, but truthfully had it not, we'd never have been sure that we did all we can do.