JuneBug

It's hard doing this(seperating) and trying not to fall into the ever gapping hole of "Let me fix it!" We had a good talk last night about what HE needed to do to find another apartment, and how he was going to work things out financially....I listened and literally had to sit on my hands so that I wouldn't run the computer to look up things for him or find numbers for him to call like I would have before. Today I feel a little guilt because I see it is hitting him that his world is collapsing and I am not helping this time and hes not sure what to do with that nor am I. Its taking a lot of deep breathing and reminding myself that he is capable and I have to let it go and let him do it however he is going to do it even though I have a want to hug him and smooth it over for him but then I remind myself no one smoothed this over for me I pulled myself up by my boot straps and got moving. I am not alone and that is a comfort.

wicked

you are doing fantastic. i know how i have to sit on my hands too!

Impurrfect

((Junebug))

Would it help if I told you that as an RA, it helped me TREMENDOUSLY that my family DID sit on their hands and let me struggle in the beginning? I had a lot of bad consequences...financial/job/legal, etc. I was way old enough to know better and had thrown away a very good career.

I am stronger, today, BECAUSE I was allowed the dignity of that struggle. I'm also a codie, so I KNOW how hard it is to not want to step in and "fix it"....believe me, I know. I've had to sit on my own hands more than a few times.

IMO, you're doing great and you will both be better off if you allow him to figure this out on his own.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

outtolunch

And the opportunity to realize the consequences of your choices.

Impurrfect

((OTL)) - very good point. Not only did I get to realize the consequences of all the BAD choices I'd made, but when I started making GOOD choices, I was able to feel take ownership of THOSE consequences, too. That goes a long way in strengthening my recoveries...both in addiction AND codependency.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

coffeedrinker

You cannot simultaneously take care of yourself and another person. The two actions cannot be done at the same time.

Good for you taking care of yourself, June.

teke

i agree, my famliy did the same thing with me. they allowed me to hit my own bottom and pull myself up, that bottom helped me to get clean and inspires me to do whatever i have to do to stay clean. today i'm 8yrs clean and is totally grateful to my family for allowing me to fall and find my own way.

i too think this in probably one of the most loving things you could do for him. now its time to focus more on you and your own life, with him or without.

jewell614

I wanted to commend you on your strength. It's hard in the beginning, but it will get easier to make yourself a priority. I promise. It was hard for me too, but I know it's axbf's problem, not mine. I made him a priority, and I was just an option to him. NO MORE.

It's hard to move forward when you are trying to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. You take 10 steps backwards trying to help them. We end up neglecting ourselves.

The fog has lifted for me. I'll pray for you.



I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining, full of the knowledge that I am priceless and worth NOTHING BUT HONESTY. - Mayda Del Valle

justtired

Good for you JuneBug. You are doing awesome! I think it's great how you made the decision and are moving forward. One foot in front of the other, and you will make it! Every time I read someone here making the choice to move forward and do what's best for them, I feel inspired to do the same. Thank you!

JuneBug

Thanks you guys!
Today is not such a good day, I didn't sleep well last night my head wouldn't shut off but I found a good book by Melody Beattie or something like that and it has some really good things in it. I had a different kind of life before AH came into my life, I used to have my inspirtational reminder items on display around my apartment to remind me of who I am and where I am going and I had packed it all away thinking I didn't need it anymore. I do need it so I unpacked it and put them all out again and layed out the books that mean a lot to me and pictures and quotes and things that once upon a time gave me comfort and true strength. I feel myself coming back to myself, I realize I was always myself I just ended up stopping at one the side of the road to help someone else and instead of going back to my road I ended up walking with him in the direction where he was going so I stopped an decided, I turned around walked back from where I came and found the road I was on and here I am walking and its a pretty nice walk, the trees are all green, the birds are flying everywhere, theres flowers and the sun and I think I just caught a glimpse of some wild horses!