SadButHopeful

I left my stbxah about 6 weeks ago, and yesterday was the first day that the kids and I have returned to the house after I was granted temporary occupancy.

There has been so much going on. After his mother came to be with him, she hightailed it early because she couldn't stand it anymore. He was in the psych ward for a week because he claimed he was suicidal, and is now sobering up, going to rehab. I've only heard most of this from other ppl so I don't know much.

Yesterday was so emotional. It really dawned on my 6yo dd today that daddy is not going to live with us anymore. She cryed her little heart out while I held her. I was sobbing all day. Being in this house reminds me of him so much, and of course my mind just keeps reliving the good things.

I had been staying with my parents until today. Today feels like my first real day of being a single mother. I can't believe it. I'm so devastated for myself and my children that our family is broken

coffeedrinker

Well, it's a process. There will be days like this and I think it's the times that you just put one foot in front of the other. When I'm in times like this I repeat to myself, "this feeling won't last". At least then I know in my head that it's true, even if my heart doesn't "see" it.

I'm sorry my experience isn't similar. I was very relieved when my xah moved out, even though on that day I went into the half-empty closet and cried my eyes out.

For your little one, this is an opportunity to give her some recovery tools. It's ok to cry, and feel whatever you are feeling was one of the best things I have done as a parent. She is also seeing that you chose the mental health of your family over trying to keep your family intact with a non-sober addict. And that's a good thing.

Pelican

I know the feeling of hollowness on the inside. (((hugs)))

Good on you for allowing yourself and your child to express your sorrow openly! That is healthy and you a setting a healthy example of not stuffing your emotions for your children.

I left my X and took the children like you did. I was only gone three days and asked him to make other arrangements so we could be in the home (temporarily) and care for the critters. My X agreed.

Coming back into that house was uncomfortable. I knew that I would not be staying in the house. I knew I was leaving the marriage and the family home if I could make other arrangements. It was nice to be back in the home with my stuff and comforts (pots & pans), but it was an empty victory. There were the memories - good and bad. I realized I was my best and worst in that home. My best efforts to make a happy home followed by my waking up out of denial and becoming my worst controlling-angry self. And then....I began my recovery. My journey of recovery began there too.

This too will pass. Ugh! Don't you just hate to hear that slogan? It is true,however. Your recovery journey is continuing. Suffering loss is a part of the journey. We, your SR family, are here with you as you walk through this part of your recovery journey.

Allow yourself and your children to grieve. Reach out for help when you need it. One Day at a Time.

freefalling

So sorry you are feeling sad today. And for your little one. Please cry all you need , but KNOW that you are saving your kid (dont know how many you have) from lots of trauma. My kid (youngest of 8 years) suffers from separation anxiety and she is scared of her own father. My children experienced lots of trauma due to drunkenness and crazy codie-behaviour. You are modelling your little one better choices . Be strong , it does get better in time.

((((((((Sadbuthopeful)))))))))

jcfollower

Oh, Dear, I know how badly your heart aches for your babies. No matter the reason, a broken family causes so much pain for the innocents. At the tender age of 6, love is still so pure and black and white. It's hard for us mamas and daddys to explain to them in terms they can understand, because it doesn't make sense to them. In the mind of a child, Love shouldn't hurt. And they are right! But Reality teaches us all too soon that it indeed can hurt. I will keep ((((you all)))) in my prayers.

jc

transformyself

Oh I"m so sorry. Here are big hugs for you and your children.
And Pelican is spot on with this.
If you just allow the process to move, even when it's painful, you will get to a better, safer, healthier place.

LaTeeDa

Speaking for myself, I can say that my family was broken long before I became a single mother. Getting the alcoholic out of our immediate vicinity went a long way toward putting things back together.

Hugs.

L

atdawn

Hello,
I am in a similar situation. Have been back in the house a week, have temporary sole occupancy of the house (with the kids). For me it is the same as LaTeeDa: I feel like my family was broken before I left. And I felt like a single mum before I left. It is early days but now I know already I feel much more relaxed with them, I laugh more with them, and they must notice that, too... We can now stick to planned schedules, they have a better structure to their life, and no yelling. Sure it must be hard for them. I am actually going to take them to a support group for kids, some kind of counselling, I am not sure exactly of the format, but I was told it can really help them...

((hugs))

wanting

It was really hard for me to be in our family home too. We actually ended up moving, which was awesome, but when I was still there, I did some decluttering and rearranging and redecorating to give myself the feeling of good newness.

My kids were also devastated and cried a lot. I will never forget the day I heard my beautiful, bright, strong then-10yo daughter cry and scream from the depths of her soul. And I will never forget hearing my sweet little 3yo cry and ask me why Daddy was leaving us. Six months later and they don't cry anymore. When they did cry, I didn't try to talk them out of it. I told them it was OK to cry and be sad. I let them know I was sad too. We hugged a lot, slept all together in the same bed for a long time. (My 3yo still sleeps with me.) I tried to keep a routine going to make them feel security. The routine also helped me to feel like there was something constant that I could count on. I also let myself feel the feelings and I embraced the pain and let myself work through it.

Everything happened right before the holidays, which was really heartbreaking, but I basically just let all of our old traditions go and tried to create new ones for our new family. That actually ended up being really fun and felt really empowering. On Christmas, we would have normally had a formal dinner, but for this past one, we made sushi and cupcakes. I had asked each of them what fun thing we could make to eat, and the older one said sushi and the younger one said cupcakes. The kids said it was the best Christmas ever. I like to think it helped to allow them to have a hand in deciding what we would do.

Having a broken family really helped me to start breaking other "shoulds" as well. Moving from our house to a small apartment happened because I realized I was holding on to the house because we "should" live in a house. I've also broken a lot of "shoulds" in my professional life. I've become more honest and authentic about myself, which is scary professionally, but the result has been that I've attracted clients who I like and who like me.

This is a journey. Imagine that it is winter right now in your life, and soon spring will come. You get up every day and somehow make it through because you have faith that spring will be here soon. You look every day for signs of spring, those little buds on the trees, the sound of birds singing. One day soon, you'll walk outside and see beautiful pink trees lining the streets.

Hugs to you.

Jadmack25

I thought leaving a 27 year marriage was hard, but here on SR I learned what hard is...from those who make that journey with their children.

I pray each day for those torn, heart aching and bewildered families who are on that journey, escaping from the hell of alcoholic chaos, into the unknown before them.

For you and your family, living in your home with all the bad and good memories, I ask strength to resist the siren song of the good times and courage to recall the bad.

God bless

MeHandle

YouTube - What Faith Can Do by Kutless

Hugs...... it sounds like your heart is doing some mourning.
" Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

You yourself examplified and are doing this for your daughter. As you told your story what i saw most was a daughter mourning and a mother comforting her. Here is some hope and comfort for you as you mourn today.

love tammy

SadButHopeful

Thanks so much everyone! You are all so helpful. You help to keep my mind clear and things in perspective.

It's been a rough few days, but that first day was indeed the worst.

Gonna start another post now, just wanted to say thanks

TakingCharge999

Am I late for the hugs then??
Glad you posted! I saw this happened a few days ago and I was wondering how you were doing.