Should I Leave?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Should I Leave?
Hi all,
Im new to this forum and really need some advice and place to vent.
Ive just starting seeing a man who Ive known as friends intermitently for 10 years. The relationship seemed to be everything Ive ever wanted - seemly that is.
Im 33 and have been through a very painful divorce and a series of abusive relationships that have stemmed from an abusive father. I have no children.
This new relationship, I thought was everything Ive ever wanted. That is until he drinks. He has always been a heavy drinker since Ive known him, but stopped last year for 6 months. I saw that he had changed and cleaned himself up. We got back in touch and started seeing each other. Over the last 10 weeks I have witnessed him binge drink excessively more than 3 times a week. He changes dramatically, acts unreasonable, argues, and cant stop. This has started to upset me significantly. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away.
He gets very clingy and needy and is upset and emotional if i dont spend as much time with him as he wants - even if I have been with him all day, it feels like its never enough for him. He makes me feel very guilty for going home. I still want to live my own life and be my own person. He is also very shy when sober and I feel like he uses alcohol as a way of coming out of his shell. Most of his friends drink excessively too.
When he is sober he is intelligent, caring, understanding, coherant and reasonable. I cannot believe the dramatic change in him when he drinks. He has admitted that he has a problem but he still drinks. I realise that I cannot change him, but do I stay and put up with it?
Everything in his life seems to revolve around alcohol (his sister is also a recovering alcholic and drug abuser).
Ive never been in this situation before, and I dont want to bail out if theres a way I can help him and if he will change.
We have spoken about all of the above and he says he will change but so far he hasnt done anything to even try to change. It seems he is drinking more now.
Im new to this forum and really need some advice and place to vent.
Ive just starting seeing a man who Ive known as friends intermitently for 10 years. The relationship seemed to be everything Ive ever wanted - seemly that is.
Im 33 and have been through a very painful divorce and a series of abusive relationships that have stemmed from an abusive father. I have no children.
This new relationship, I thought was everything Ive ever wanted. That is until he drinks. He has always been a heavy drinker since Ive known him, but stopped last year for 6 months. I saw that he had changed and cleaned himself up. We got back in touch and started seeing each other. Over the last 10 weeks I have witnessed him binge drink excessively more than 3 times a week. He changes dramatically, acts unreasonable, argues, and cant stop. This has started to upset me significantly. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away.
He gets very clingy and needy and is upset and emotional if i dont spend as much time with him as he wants - even if I have been with him all day, it feels like its never enough for him. He makes me feel very guilty for going home. I still want to live my own life and be my own person. He is also very shy when sober and I feel like he uses alcohol as a way of coming out of his shell. Most of his friends drink excessively too.
When he is sober he is intelligent, caring, understanding, coherant and reasonable. I cannot believe the dramatic change in him when he drinks. He has admitted that he has a problem but he still drinks. I realise that I cannot change him, but do I stay and put up with it?
Everything in his life seems to revolve around alcohol (his sister is also a recovering alcholic and drug abuser).
Ive never been in this situation before, and I dont want to bail out if theres a way I can help him and if he will change.
We have spoken about all of the above and he says he will change but so far he hasnt done anything to even try to change. It seems he is drinking more now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi and welcome! I'm going to just be blunt and tell you to run. Life is way too short to deal with an alcoholic. I spent 4 years of my life dealing with one and vowed never to be in a similar relationship again. I know it's hard, but he will drag you down with him if you let him. Hugs and keep posting!!!! It helps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 56
Hi Jess,
Welcome! You've found a great place to pose your question.
You need to do what is right for you.
Now, having said that, I have to agree with the post above. The disease is progressive and fatal. What you see now will only get more frequent and worse, unless HE chooses to get help. And so far his actions (and words) are clear that he has no plans on doing so.
YOU did not cause alcoholism
YOU cannot control it
YOU cannot cure it
That's the starting point with Al-Anon. I will add these
YOU cannot help HIM get better
YOU cannot love him better
Being with an alcoholic will only give you more abuse. You have had enough in your life already. I suggest you set firm boundaries on what you now will accept from a partner, study up on alcoholism, read posts here, and see if you think an alcoholic will be able to provide you what you are looking for. Most of us here will likely tell you it's unlikely, and would suggest that you love you, care for you, and were we in your shoes, we would wish him well and tell him, if you wanted to, to look you up as a friend if he ever gets to 6 months or a year clean. And then go no contact.
Hugs and keep coming back!
Welcome! You've found a great place to pose your question.
You need to do what is right for you.
Now, having said that, I have to agree with the post above. The disease is progressive and fatal. What you see now will only get more frequent and worse, unless HE chooses to get help. And so far his actions (and words) are clear that he has no plans on doing so.
YOU did not cause alcoholism
YOU cannot control it
YOU cannot cure it
That's the starting point with Al-Anon. I will add these
YOU cannot help HIM get better
YOU cannot love him better
Being with an alcoholic will only give you more abuse. You have had enough in your life already. I suggest you set firm boundaries on what you now will accept from a partner, study up on alcoholism, read posts here, and see if you think an alcoholic will be able to provide you what you are looking for. Most of us here will likely tell you it's unlikely, and would suggest that you love you, care for you, and were we in your shoes, we would wish him well and tell him, if you wanted to, to look you up as a friend if he ever gets to 6 months or a year clean. And then go no contact.
Hugs and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
Hi, and sorry your having these issues. A's are not easy to be around and even more difficult to have a relationship with.
I would say that no, he will not change. Especially if he doesn't have to. If you continue to have a relationship with him, he doesn't have to change, even if his behavior is hurting you (and himself).
I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit. Don't look back, and don't let him sucker you back in.
You see, I have married the same man. If I could have seen then what you are seeing now, I would have had a much different life. I would have left him before I had married him, bought the house, had the kids...even though my kids are the joy of my life. Don't make the same mistake. Have a happy life, you don't need the anguish that this man will bring you.
Gina
I would say that no, he will not change. Especially if he doesn't have to. If you continue to have a relationship with him, he doesn't have to change, even if his behavior is hurting you (and himself).
I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit. Don't look back, and don't let him sucker you back in.
You see, I have married the same man. If I could have seen then what you are seeing now, I would have had a much different life. I would have left him before I had married him, bought the house, had the kids...even though my kids are the joy of my life. Don't make the same mistake. Have a happy life, you don't need the anguish that this man will bring you.
Gina
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Jess and welcome to SR and the Friends and Family forums!
I hope you'll make new friends here, and learn all you can about alcoholism, codependency, and pick up some tools that will help you!
I hope you'll make new friends here, and learn all you can about alcoholism, codependency, and pick up some tools that will help you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I"ve never been in this situation before, and I dont want to bail out if theres a way I can help him and if he will change."
A big RED flag going up for you!
There is NOTHING you can say, or do - to help him OR make him change. Please realize this from the start.
If you want to be involved with someone like this, that is your choice. But, I think you deserve more!
A big RED flag going up for you!
There is NOTHING you can say, or do - to help him OR make him change. Please realize this from the start.
If you want to be involved with someone like this, that is your choice. But, I think you deserve more!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Thanks so much for all the responses, I will definately take on board all the advice.
I do deserve alot more. Its just so disapointing because I really thought this man was wonderful. Back to the drawing board again I guess...
I do deserve alot more. Its just so disapointing because I really thought this man was wonderful. Back to the drawing board again I guess...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
I can only speak to my own experience... and I can honestly say that if I had it to do over again, I would have run and not looked back. The chaos and heartbreak brought to my life by getting involved in a romantic relationship was devastating.
I look back and know that I asked myself the same questions you are asking yourself now. What I know now is that my instincts were trying to scream at me that this was a bad situation, that it was my need to take in yet another stray, that I needed to protect myself by ending it the moment I began to have uh-oh feelings. But I didn't listen and now, here I am.
You say he's a good man and I'm not saying that isn't true. All I'm saying is... he may not be good for you. And that is what your primary concern should be. He can live without you... but... can you live with him?
I look back and know that I asked myself the same questions you are asking yourself now. What I know now is that my instincts were trying to scream at me that this was a bad situation, that it was my need to take in yet another stray, that I needed to protect myself by ending it the moment I began to have uh-oh feelings. But I didn't listen and now, here I am.
You say he's a good man and I'm not saying that isn't true. All I'm saying is... he may not be good for you. And that is what your primary concern should be. He can live without you... but... can you live with him?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Part of your post could describe my RABF, and honestly.....at the start, had I known where I was heading, I would have run like the wind to get out of the way.
If you want drama, dis-ease, manipulation, lies and all the other joys, (sarcasm here) that go with the chaotic change of identity, from quiet Dr Jeckyl to over-the-top Mr Hyde, then stick around and hold on for the ride from hell.
If you prefer peace, honesty, self-respect and being treated as an adult, then go NOW.
Do not wait one more minute, tell him bye bye and get out of contact range.
Do not let yourself get sucked into his sozzled quicksand.....run and run fast.
God bless
If you want drama, dis-ease, manipulation, lies and all the other joys, (sarcasm here) that go with the chaotic change of identity, from quiet Dr Jeckyl to over-the-top Mr Hyde, then stick around and hold on for the ride from hell.
If you prefer peace, honesty, self-respect and being treated as an adult, then go NOW.
Do not wait one more minute, tell him bye bye and get out of contact range.
Do not let yourself get sucked into his sozzled quicksand.....run and run fast.
God bless
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Just checking back in
to see how you're handling all this attention...
I suppose it's bedome clear that education
is the most important and pertinent item at hand for now.
We've got stickies at the top of this forum with links to 3-D recovery help
I hope you'll start tonight educating yourself.
to see how you're handling all this attention...
I suppose it's bedome clear that education
is the most important and pertinent item at hand for now.
We've got stickies at the top of this forum with links to 3-D recovery help
I hope you'll start tonight educating yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hi Jess,
Good for you for reaching out so early and for having a handle on what's happening - because you do. Your post identifies:
- alcohol abuse
- control issues
- jeckyl and hyde behavior
- concern on behalf of his friends (looks like this is not a new problem)
Best advice I can give you is to read, read and read some more. The stickies on here are great and so many people have charted their own journeys on these boards. The decision to stay or go was eventually taken out of my hands (he left) and reading about what might have happened next has been invaluable.
SL.
Good for you for reaching out so early and for having a handle on what's happening - because you do. Your post identifies:
- alcohol abuse
- control issues
- jeckyl and hyde behavior
- concern on behalf of his friends (looks like this is not a new problem)
Best advice I can give you is to read, read and read some more. The stickies on here are great and so many people have charted their own journeys on these boards. The decision to stay or go was eventually taken out of my hands (he left) and reading about what might have happened next has been invaluable.
SL.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Welcome to SR Jess
One thing I learnt from almost 3 years with my ex- alcoholoc partner is there is nothing you can do to change him or any one else in this world.
As an adult it is his choice a how he lives his life and his responsibility to live with the consequences of his choices.
My role is to live my life to the fullest doing what I want, living my truth and not being distracted on my journey in life by being sucked into the dramas of another. When we are focusing on another, their problems and issues we are not living our full life.
2 books have really helped me on my journey in understanding why I USED to invite relationship that were unhealthy to me.
"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
I cant tell you what to do with you life. Only you can answer that
Stick around and tell us how you go. You are not the first to experience this situation
I dont want to bail out if theres a way I can help him and if he will change
As an adult it is his choice a how he lives his life and his responsibility to live with the consequences of his choices.
My role is to live my life to the fullest doing what I want, living my truth and not being distracted on my journey in life by being sucked into the dramas of another. When we are focusing on another, their problems and issues we are not living our full life.
2 books have really helped me on my journey in understanding why I USED to invite relationship that were unhealthy to me.
"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
I have witnessed him binge drink excessively more than 3 times a week. He changes dramatically, acts unreasonable, argues, and cant stop. This has started to upset me significantly. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away.
He gets very clingy and needy and is upset and emotional if i dont spend as much time with him as he wants - even if I have been with him all day, it feels like its never enough for him. He makes me feel very guilty for going home. I still want to live my own life and be my own person. He is also very shy when sober and I feel like he uses alcohol as a way of coming out of his shell. Most of his friends drink excessively too.
He gets very clingy and needy and is upset and emotional if i dont spend as much time with him as he wants - even if I have been with him all day, it feels like its never enough for him. He makes me feel very guilty for going home. I still want to live my own life and be my own person. He is also very shy when sober and I feel like he uses alcohol as a way of coming out of his shell. Most of his friends drink excessively too.
I cant tell you what to do with you life. Only you can answer that
Stick around and tell us how you go. You are not the first to experience this situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Thanks again for all the responses.
I will definately read the stickies.
For now I will take some time away from him to sort my head out.
Its so devastating because he is a real genuine person when sober, it breaks my heart to see this dramatic change in him when drunk. Jekyl and Hyde is exactly the way I would describe it.
I cant help but picture our future together. Its unrealistic of me to think he will never get drunk around me again, because of course he will. I sure dont want that kind of future for myself.
I will definately read the stickies.
For now I will take some time away from him to sort my head out.
Its so devastating because he is a real genuine person when sober, it breaks my heart to see this dramatic change in him when drunk. Jekyl and Hyde is exactly the way I would describe it.
I cant help but picture our future together. Its unrealistic of me to think he will never get drunk around me again, because of course he will. I sure dont want that kind of future for myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: denmark wa
Posts: 2
hi jess
this is my first time here to so i understand your need to express and find some understanding people .
After reading your message i felt worried for you as i fear the situation will only get worse for you and drag you down as he clings to you with his insecurities .
I have been there and you end up being a punching bag or drinking with them and getting messed up as well..please think hard about your own choices with out the guilt he is putting on you .take care
this is my first time here to so i understand your need to express and find some understanding people .
After reading your message i felt worried for you as i fear the situation will only get worse for you and drag you down as he clings to you with his insecurities .
I have been there and you end up being a punching bag or drinking with them and getting messed up as well..please think hard about your own choices with out the guilt he is putting on you .take care
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Dear Jess
The problem is exactly what you describe - they are good when sober and terrible when under the influence. Ironically later they can become "good" when under the influence and "bad" when sober. This is a crazy disease.This is difficult to live with and gets more difficult as time goes on. To leave can also become more difficult , especially when children are involved. I would have RUN RUN RUN if I had the knowledge I had now!
(((Hugs)))
The problem is exactly what you describe - they are good when sober and terrible when under the influence. Ironically later they can become "good" when under the influence and "bad" when sober. This is a crazy disease.This is difficult to live with and gets more difficult as time goes on. To leave can also become more difficult , especially when children are involved. I would have RUN RUN RUN if I had the knowledge I had now!
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Posts: 9
Hi Jess, welcome, I'm quite new to this site too! Glad to be part of this group, the support is great! I've been in a similar situation with my XAB for 5 years, he's done everything you're has done and more.....if your mind can take possession of your heart for a change....deep down you know what is best for you! I feel for you when debating weather to stay or leave....it's not an easy decision but ask yourself if you want to invest part of your prime life with someone who is having a relationship with their alcohol and it will always be their #1 love in their life...unless he is prepared to get help! Give yourself time and space to sort out your mind and heart....you deserve so much better.....keep posting!
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