Anyone have experience with their A also having ADHD?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 65
Anyone have experience with their A also having ADHD?
While speaking with a woman who works with disabled folks, she mentioned she noticed my AH appeared to show some "developmental" conceptual difficulties....looking into this further and being familiar with his history as a youngster, I'm concerned he may be Adult ADHD. ADHD in adults opens the potential for substance abuse and would really explain a lot of behavior, including his compulsions and impulsivity [sometimes he just can't add 2+2 or rather, foresee the consequenses to his actions/words] I've always known something else is playing in the background with him driving his tendencies.
Don't get me wrong he is very intelligent...that is what sometimes gets me so frustrated and then I remember [usually after yet another disappointment] he's an alcoholic, what did you expect?
I guess what I'm also looking for here: I've suggested to him and we discussed this as a possibility and he is willing to get "tested" he has no $ or insurance or job so I am the computer literate one attempting to find free or low cost testing etc.
I still am planning to leave once I have a full time job...but I know I would feel he had a chance if we looked at every possibility - I don't want to be "codie" here...I don't have the fantasy - I just feel compassion for someone I care about [even if it has been 8 yrs of crap]
Feedback and support is welcome - please help especially if you have any adult ADHD experiences to share.
Thanks to all of you
Don't get me wrong he is very intelligent...that is what sometimes gets me so frustrated and then I remember [usually after yet another disappointment] he's an alcoholic, what did you expect?
I guess what I'm also looking for here: I've suggested to him and we discussed this as a possibility and he is willing to get "tested" he has no $ or insurance or job so I am the computer literate one attempting to find free or low cost testing etc.
I still am planning to leave once I have a full time job...but I know I would feel he had a chance if we looked at every possibility - I don't want to be "codie" here...I don't have the fantasy - I just feel compassion for someone I care about [even if it has been 8 yrs of crap]
Feedback and support is welcome - please help especially if you have any adult ADHD experiences to share.
Thanks to all of you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
My RAFB has adult ADHD, inattentive type. While he was still drinking, the two conditions were so intertwined that it was impossible to sort out what was causing what, and I was ready to leave because his craziness was driving me crazy.
Two months ago he got stopped for DUI, got a clue, and got sober. This has improved, but not eliminated, his ADHD symptoms--he has more patience and is less prone to frustration, but he still has trouble staying on task and focusing. He works with a therapist who specializes in both ADHD and substance abuse who keeps him honest. This honesty is the heart of his recovery and makes it possible for me to live with his ADHD.
I asked my RABF if his ADHD made him want to drink, and he said not really. He also has generalized anxiety disorder, and alcohol was his way of self-medicating that. Possibly his ADHD contributed to the anxiety, but not all ADHDers have anxiety, and not all people with anxiety have ADHD.
If your partner is actively using, he can't really effectively address his ADHD until he makes a commitment to sobriety and resolves to be honest in all of his dealings with other people, particularly you and his treatment professionals. When I or his therapist objected to my RABF's drinking, he would rationalize it by telling himself he was in control and could handle it. Using my RABF's ADHD to explain his drinking kept me stuck, even though I thought I wasn't justifying it, because at basis, alcoholism is a disease of dishonesty.
Two months ago he got stopped for DUI, got a clue, and got sober. This has improved, but not eliminated, his ADHD symptoms--he has more patience and is less prone to frustration, but he still has trouble staying on task and focusing. He works with a therapist who specializes in both ADHD and substance abuse who keeps him honest. This honesty is the heart of his recovery and makes it possible for me to live with his ADHD.
I asked my RABF if his ADHD made him want to drink, and he said not really. He also has generalized anxiety disorder, and alcohol was his way of self-medicating that. Possibly his ADHD contributed to the anxiety, but not all ADHDers have anxiety, and not all people with anxiety have ADHD.
If your partner is actively using, he can't really effectively address his ADHD until he makes a commitment to sobriety and resolves to be honest in all of his dealings with other people, particularly you and his treatment professionals. When I or his therapist objected to my RABF's drinking, he would rationalize it by telling himself he was in control and could handle it. Using my RABF's ADHD to explain his drinking kept me stuck, even though I thought I wasn't justifying it, because at basis, alcoholism is a disease of dishonesty.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm really careful not to diagnose others these days based on what I perceive as symptoms of a particular disorder.
I agree with lc2846 that any potential disorders besides the alcoholism can't be properly addressed until he's in recovery for some period of time.
I suffered from clinical depression most of my life without realizing it because I spent years and years self-medicating with alcohol/drugs. I believe it was around the 5 year mark of sobriety for me that I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression.
My oldest daughter (32) also suffers from depression and generalized anxiety disorder, but she has chosen not to pursue recovery. She's an adult, and she has the right to make that choice.
I agree with lc2846 that any potential disorders besides the alcoholism can't be properly addressed until he's in recovery for some period of time.
I suffered from clinical depression most of my life without realizing it because I spent years and years self-medicating with alcohol/drugs. I believe it was around the 5 year mark of sobriety for me that I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression.
My oldest daughter (32) also suffers from depression and generalized anxiety disorder, but she has chosen not to pursue recovery. She's an adult, and she has the right to make that choice.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
If you look at the statistics for a lot of disorders (especially personality disorders) substance abuse is cited on the list of behaviors/issues. I did a lot of reading to try to understand my XABF's behavior, mostly because he never drank in front of me so I couldn't be sure how much alcohol had to do with anything. My therapist said that he seemed to have borderline/narcissistic tendencies. I did some reading and he absolutely does. He himself talked a lot about having been "hyper" as a kid in the era before medication for ADHD was the first line of treatment. He absolutely has some of those tendencies, too.
But.
At the end of the day, the more I read on the boards - the more his behaviors, all of them, fit perfectly with middle to late stage alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease that affects the frontal lobe of the brain. The part that regulates impulsivity, judgement, relating to others. All the good stuff.
After decades of pickling his brain with drugs and alcohol and disappointing (devastating) family, friends and employers, he would need several years dry for his brain to recover - and another few years of step work and therapy to learn how to relate to the world.
For whatever reason, over the years, arrests, unemployment, serious accidents and broken relationships haven't been enough for him to be able to put down the bottle. That's addiction. It's now its own animal.
What I've learned, the hard way, is that -I- have a tendency to accept unacceptable behavior if there is a logical explanation for it. This can range from "he's had a hard day" to "he has a personality disorder" to "he's coming off a binge, his brain is soup." And I do it with other people in my life, too. My big job now is not to spend so much time on "why" things happen and to accept them as they are. The trying to understand "why", for me, is a shot at controlling outcomes. It's really, really hard trying not to do this and I'm terrible at it so far but I'm hoping to make progress.
But.
At the end of the day, the more I read on the boards - the more his behaviors, all of them, fit perfectly with middle to late stage alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease that affects the frontal lobe of the brain. The part that regulates impulsivity, judgement, relating to others. All the good stuff.
After decades of pickling his brain with drugs and alcohol and disappointing (devastating) family, friends and employers, he would need several years dry for his brain to recover - and another few years of step work and therapy to learn how to relate to the world.
For whatever reason, over the years, arrests, unemployment, serious accidents and broken relationships haven't been enough for him to be able to put down the bottle. That's addiction. It's now its own animal.
What I've learned, the hard way, is that -I- have a tendency to accept unacceptable behavior if there is a logical explanation for it. This can range from "he's had a hard day" to "he has a personality disorder" to "he's coming off a binge, his brain is soup." And I do it with other people in my life, too. My big job now is not to spend so much time on "why" things happen and to accept them as they are. The trying to understand "why", for me, is a shot at controlling outcomes. It's really, really hard trying not to do this and I'm terrible at it so far but I'm hoping to make progress.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I have adult ADD, inattentive type. In some ways, my aexh showed similarities to me-- poor impulse control, complete inability to deal with papers, lack of social intuition, can't see what I'd call obvious consequences... he had a lot of satellite symptoms, but not the main one. The man could concentrate. He could sit down, tune everything else out, and get his work done. At age 40, I haven't mastered that and I doubt I ever will. I'm better... but I still can't do what he could. I wondered, but I don't think he has ADD.
Here is a central difference between him and me: I'm not surprised by the consequences when I mess something up, procrastinate, or avoid doing unpleasant tasks. He always was, which was puzzling. On not being able to add 2+2, he once said to me, humbly: "When you say that something is obvious, Margo, sometimes it isn't obvious to me," and by golly, he wasn't kidding. This is a man who started a new relationship while separated and didn't think his wife would mind. (Granted, some wouldn't. But he didn't think to ask.)
Having watched his genuine pain and surprise, and his frustration at what was called his "poor judgment" on more than one job review, I do think there's something amiss with whatever part of his brain is supposed to be processing potential consequences and steering him away from screwups. He would benefit hugely from a sponsor type relationship, someone external and uninvolved who could give him neutral feedback and guidance. But he has to figure that out on his own... if possible. Love him still, but I'm not holding my breath.
Here is a central difference between him and me: I'm not surprised by the consequences when I mess something up, procrastinate, or avoid doing unpleasant tasks. He always was, which was puzzling. On not being able to add 2+2, he once said to me, humbly: "When you say that something is obvious, Margo, sometimes it isn't obvious to me," and by golly, he wasn't kidding. This is a man who started a new relationship while separated and didn't think his wife would mind. (Granted, some wouldn't. But he didn't think to ask.)
Having watched his genuine pain and surprise, and his frustration at what was called his "poor judgment" on more than one job review, I do think there's something amiss with whatever part of his brain is supposed to be processing potential consequences and steering him away from screwups. He would benefit hugely from a sponsor type relationship, someone external and uninvolved who could give him neutral feedback and guidance. But he has to figure that out on his own... if possible. Love him still, but I'm not holding my breath.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
When my son was diagnosed (ADHD inattentive) I did more research and I really think my xah has it as well. He is so disorganized in his thoughts. He never finishes anything. I brought that up only once and he was not receptive at all.
If I am going to be arm chair psychologist though he has something else going on that makes life really difficult. Not ADD related. Maybe that is the result of all the alcohol? I have no idea. He really just does not connect the dots and has no idea that he doesn't. With in the span of one conversation he'll say two opposing things - and not seem to comprehend that. When confronted he just keeps repeating himself. We went to two joint counseling sessions together and even the counselor pointed it out.
If I am going to be arm chair psychologist though he has something else going on that makes life really difficult. Not ADD related. Maybe that is the result of all the alcohol? I have no idea. He really just does not connect the dots and has no idea that he doesn't. With in the span of one conversation he'll say two opposing things - and not seem to comprehend that. When confronted he just keeps repeating himself. We went to two joint counseling sessions together and even the counselor pointed it out.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Yes, many folks with mental health issues drink to excess and/or use/abuse drugs. ...and yes, many folks who are alcoholics and/or addicts may have mental health issues....
Alcohol and drug abuse often mimic the symptoms of mental health issues. Therefore, the problems, that I have seen, are usually in when the diagnosis is made. No competent psychiatrist/psychologist would ever even attempt to diagnose any mental health issues for a patient who was an active alcoholic/addict.
But unfortunately, not all psychiatrists/psychologists are competent, or even honest. I can't tell you how many folks I've known who were popping pills for all sorts of mental health issues that, when they quit drinking and/or doing drugs, these issues simply disappeared.
Please don't take this to mean that mental health issues should not be addressed. I'm just saying to be very careful.................. (o:
NoelleR
Alcohol and drug abuse often mimic the symptoms of mental health issues. Therefore, the problems, that I have seen, are usually in when the diagnosis is made. No competent psychiatrist/psychologist would ever even attempt to diagnose any mental health issues for a patient who was an active alcoholic/addict.
But unfortunately, not all psychiatrists/psychologists are competent, or even honest. I can't tell you how many folks I've known who were popping pills for all sorts of mental health issues that, when they quit drinking and/or doing drugs, these issues simply disappeared.
Please don't take this to mean that mental health issues should not be addressed. I'm just saying to be very careful.................. (o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
My ex recovering ABF has ADHD (and generalized anxiety disorder), diagnosed by a psychiatrist. He has a hard time coping with everyday life. His place is a mess as he can't deal with paperwork. He is the worst procrastinator I have ever met so he is always rushing to handle last minute emergencies, or trying to put off the consequences. He will very often lose his train of thought in the middle of a conversation and stop in the middle of a sentence.
On the other hand he can concentrate/obsess about a single subject for much longer than normal. I understand this is also part of ADHD. I remember the month or so he was obsessed with winter tires for the car. Then there were obsessions about watches, telescopes, cameras, kayaks, mystery novels, skateboards, etc. etc. Each obsession involved staying up all night on the internet, and buying the latest model of whatever interests him.
He drinks a LOT of coffee. I think it is an attempt to self medicate. He tried one medication for ADHD but didn't like it and hasn't gone any farther with treatment.
He was hyper as a child and two of his sons have ADHD as well.
He is a very intelligent man and it is a shame to see him frustrated in his life by ADHD. It has contributed to him feeling different from other people and very bad about himself.
Of course, me being a raving codependent, I would have liked to fix him and make it all better but since he is my ex, I am letting God take care of him instead.
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On the other hand he can concentrate/obsess about a single subject for much longer than normal. I understand this is also part of ADHD. I remember the month or so he was obsessed with winter tires for the car. Then there were obsessions about watches, telescopes, cameras, kayaks, mystery novels, skateboards, etc. etc. Each obsession involved staying up all night on the internet, and buying the latest model of whatever interests him.
He drinks a LOT of coffee. I think it is an attempt to self medicate. He tried one medication for ADHD but didn't like it and hasn't gone any farther with treatment.
He was hyper as a child and two of his sons have ADHD as well.
He is a very intelligent man and it is a shame to see him frustrated in his life by ADHD. It has contributed to him feeling different from other people and very bad about himself.
Of course, me being a raving codependent, I would have liked to fix him and make it all better but since he is my ex, I am letting God take care of him instead.
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