He chose his "mistress" alcohol over me...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: los angeles, ca.
Posts: 19
He chose his "mistress" alcohol over me...
Hi everyone-
I'm new here. My ABF or should I call him my XABF has chosen his "mistress" alcohol over me. I'm having mixed feelings about this. In one sense I am distraught that he has chosen his love of alcohol over me. On the other hand, I have a sense of relief. Relief that I no longer have to "babysit" him when he drinks, no longer pissed off by his actions with other women, his anger issues when he gets drunk.
A little back story. We were together for 3 1/2 years. We had our ups and downs. Mainly about his drinking problem. His wife divorced him because of his drinking by the way. He'd tell me all the time, he "knows his limits, that he's not a fall down drunk, he blacked out and doesn't remember what he did with our female friend at this year's New Years Eve party.
I guess my question is, is it normal to be feeling this mixed emotions? I do love him, but I also know that his alcoholism was spilling over into my life and my worries for him were starting to take over and I have reached my breaking point with him. It hurts me deeply, that he chose alcohol over me. I know that his disease controls him. I'm just a little lost right now....
I'm new here. My ABF or should I call him my XABF has chosen his "mistress" alcohol over me. I'm having mixed feelings about this. In one sense I am distraught that he has chosen his love of alcohol over me. On the other hand, I have a sense of relief. Relief that I no longer have to "babysit" him when he drinks, no longer pissed off by his actions with other women, his anger issues when he gets drunk.
A little back story. We were together for 3 1/2 years. We had our ups and downs. Mainly about his drinking problem. His wife divorced him because of his drinking by the way. He'd tell me all the time, he "knows his limits, that he's not a fall down drunk, he blacked out and doesn't remember what he did with our female friend at this year's New Years Eve party.
I guess my question is, is it normal to be feeling this mixed emotions? I do love him, but I also know that his alcoholism was spilling over into my life and my worries for him were starting to take over and I have reached my breaking point with him. It hurts me deeply, that he chose alcohol over me. I know that his disease controls him. I'm just a little lost right now....
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
(((sweetgirl)))) 
Of course what you are feeling is normal. Just remember that this in not a reflection on you. He will do what he will do. You cannot control the man. He will stop when he has had enough.
Feel your feelings. You need to feel the pain ,to walk through it to heal. Get to know yourself a lot better so that you do not get involved with somebody that is not emotionally available again.
We care and most of us know the pain of a broken relationship caused by addiction.
Be strong.
HUGS
Of course what you are feeling is normal. Just remember that this in not a reflection on you. He will do what he will do. You cannot control the man. He will stop when he has had enough.
Feel your feelings. You need to feel the pain ,to walk through it to heal. Get to know yourself a lot better so that you do not get involved with somebody that is not emotionally available again.
We care and most of us know the pain of a broken relationship caused by addiction.
Be strong.
HUGS
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi SG,
Welcome! I'm new here too, and have been helped so much, so keep reading and posting!
My A has said those same things to me about knowing limits and not being a fall-down drunk. Isn't that interesting? Those are pretty much exact quotes from my A.
I'm a big believer in ex's having a pretty good pulse on what's happening with the person we're with...if his wife divorced him b/c of the alcohol then it's a gift that you know that. My A doesn't speak with any exgfs, and swears that I'm the only one who has ever brought up the alcohol issue. But I'm growing wiser and now I don't believe it.
Glad you're here, and yup, I'd say those mixed emotions fit my experience to a "T".
posie
Welcome! I'm new here too, and have been helped so much, so keep reading and posting!
My A has said those same things to me about knowing limits and not being a fall-down drunk. Isn't that interesting? Those are pretty much exact quotes from my A.
I'm a big believer in ex's having a pretty good pulse on what's happening with the person we're with...if his wife divorced him b/c of the alcohol then it's a gift that you know that. My A doesn't speak with any exgfs, and swears that I'm the only one who has ever brought up the alcohol issue. But I'm growing wiser and now I don't believe it.
Glad you're here, and yup, I'd say those mixed emotions fit my experience to a "T".
posie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Hello and welcome to SR
Yes your mixed feelings are normal. I loved my alcoholic too but I didnt trust or respect him in the end.
Are you still with him ? I am not sure from your post if you have left or considering leaving?
Yes your mixed feelings are normal. I loved my alcoholic too but I didnt trust or respect him in the end.
Are you still with him ? I am not sure from your post if you have left or considering leaving?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I have often wondered whether I had it all the wrong way round, and it was the alcohol that was the GF, and I was just the mistress. He sure wanted to be with his drink more than with me, and would have walked thru fire for a drink, but couldn't even turn up on time to see me.
Any others out there feel the same way?
God bless
Any others out there feel the same way?
God bless
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1
BF likes alcohol too much
Hey
I sometimes feel like that. I have a boyfriend who i love and want to spend the rest of my life with. We live very far apart, and have to come up with money to see each other. He said he is going to cut down so that we have money to see each other, but ends up going out and getting drunk. And that makes me feel like he chooses alcohol over me. It makes me feel like he doesnt love me enough and that alcohol is always going to be more important. Im always scared he will get worse and leave me for alcohol. I believe he loves me, but sometimes he can only love me as much as alcohol will let him, as it controls him. It sometimes feels like he's chosen another woman. That im second. Im not it. Im not the one, cos otherwise, alcohol wouldnt win.
I sometimes feel like that. I have a boyfriend who i love and want to spend the rest of my life with. We live very far apart, and have to come up with money to see each other. He said he is going to cut down so that we have money to see each other, but ends up going out and getting drunk. And that makes me feel like he chooses alcohol over me. It makes me feel like he doesnt love me enough and that alcohol is always going to be more important. Im always scared he will get worse and leave me for alcohol. I believe he loves me, but sometimes he can only love me as much as alcohol will let him, as it controls him. It sometimes feels like he's chosen another woman. That im second. Im not it. Im not the one, cos otherwise, alcohol wouldnt win.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by nadinegray 
Hey
I sometimes feel like that. I have a boyfriend who i love and want to spend the rest of my life with. We live very far apart, and have to come up with money to see each other. He said he is going to cut down so that we have money to see each other, but ends up going out and getting drunk. And that makes me feel like he chooses alcohol over me. It makes me feel like he doesnt love me enough and that alcohol is always going to be more important. Im always scared he will get worse and leave me for alcohol. I believe he loves me, but sometimes he can only love me as much as alcohol will let him, as it controls him. It sometimes feels like he's chosen another woman. That im second. Im not it. Im not the one, cos otherwise, alcohol wouldnt win.
I sometimes feel like that. I have a boyfriend who i love and want to spend the rest of my life with. We live very far apart, and have to come up with money to see each other. He said he is going to cut down so that we have money to see each other, but ends up going out and getting drunk. And that makes me feel like he chooses alcohol over me. It makes me feel like he doesnt love me enough and that alcohol is always going to be more important. Im always scared he will get worse and leave me for alcohol. I believe he loves me, but sometimes he can only love me as much as alcohol will let him, as it controls him. It sometimes feels like he's chosen another woman. That im second. Im not it. Im not the one, cos otherwise, alcohol wouldnt win.
This is an old thread from last year. Why don't you start a new thread and introduce yourself?
Just so you know, alcoholics ALWAYS choose the alcohol--until they are ready to stop drinking. It isn't a reflection on how he feels about you. And my bet is that he won't be the one to leave--not as long as you tolerate his drinking. It's really up to you what you are willing to put up with. As you said, it's like he is having an affair with the booze.
I think you would benefit greatly from Al-Anon. It will help you get your own thinking clear so you can make the best choices you can for YOURSELF.
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