fantasy thinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
fantasy thinking
Hi all,
it's late and I need to be sleeping (have to get up early for class tomorrow and have an exam), but my mind won't stop racing, so I figured I'll get some of it out (maybe it'll help).
I was sick the past 2 days (stomach flu or something along those lines - feeling better now) and AH has been really sweet. He went to the store to get me some gatorade and coke, came in to check on me quite a bit, laid next to me, filled my hot water bottle (he actually burned his finger on the boiling water once because he started drinking at night - argh, I locked the bedroom door soon after because I knew he wouldn't stop drinking!), was affectionate, and just seemed very caring (- I turn into a big baby when I don't feel good).
So, I've been feeling somewhat vulnerable and watched one of my stupid tv shows tonight (where at the end a woman finds comfort in the arms of this guy she likes but can't be with because he is the ex-h of her best friend).
Anyways, I was lying in bed and I started missing AH - I just want to have him put his arms around me and make me feel like everything's gonna be ok (he was always really good at that - until he was the root of all my issues and I wouldn't let him get close to me anymore). I have been really good at detaching, at enforcing my boundaries, at not letting him get too close to me (he has slept on the couch for the past 3 1/2 (!) months with us sleeping next to each other maybe 2-3 nights/ month when he wasn't drinking, I don't have sex with him anymore, cuddling and kissing only when he's not drinking, etc.). BUT then there are times like tonight when I miss him so much, and I just want, want, want him to be close to me... I want him to be the person I know he can be when he's sober... I want him to quit drinking... I want him to see that he's destroying our marriage with his drinking and do something about it... and I see myself sliding into fantasy land!
So far so good... I haven't acted on it yet ... I've been pulling myself out and into reality each and every time so far (and the bedroom door is locked tonight) - the only thing that keeps me in reality is the fear of going back to the place I was (emotionally) just a couple of months ago.
I don't really know where I was going with this... just kinda rambling I guess! I want something I know I can't have and I want to not want it anymore!
it's late and I need to be sleeping (have to get up early for class tomorrow and have an exam), but my mind won't stop racing, so I figured I'll get some of it out (maybe it'll help).
I was sick the past 2 days (stomach flu or something along those lines - feeling better now) and AH has been really sweet. He went to the store to get me some gatorade and coke, came in to check on me quite a bit, laid next to me, filled my hot water bottle (he actually burned his finger on the boiling water once because he started drinking at night - argh, I locked the bedroom door soon after because I knew he wouldn't stop drinking!), was affectionate, and just seemed very caring (- I turn into a big baby when I don't feel good).
So, I've been feeling somewhat vulnerable and watched one of my stupid tv shows tonight (where at the end a woman finds comfort in the arms of this guy she likes but can't be with because he is the ex-h of her best friend).
Anyways, I was lying in bed and I started missing AH - I just want to have him put his arms around me and make me feel like everything's gonna be ok (he was always really good at that - until he was the root of all my issues and I wouldn't let him get close to me anymore). I have been really good at detaching, at enforcing my boundaries, at not letting him get too close to me (he has slept on the couch for the past 3 1/2 (!) months with us sleeping next to each other maybe 2-3 nights/ month when he wasn't drinking, I don't have sex with him anymore, cuddling and kissing only when he's not drinking, etc.). BUT then there are times like tonight when I miss him so much, and I just want, want, want him to be close to me... I want him to be the person I know he can be when he's sober... I want him to quit drinking... I want him to see that he's destroying our marriage with his drinking and do something about it... and I see myself sliding into fantasy land!
So far so good... I haven't acted on it yet ... I've been pulling myself out and into reality each and every time so far (and the bedroom door is locked tonight) - the only thing that keeps me in reality is the fear of going back to the place I was (emotionally) just a couple of months ago.
I don't really know where I was going with this... just kinda rambling I guess! I want something I know I can't have and I want to not want it anymore!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 39
Lotus, I am sorry , longing is a hard emotion. I hope you get better soon. I always enjoy reading your posts you are strong.
Don't be too hard on yourself being sick makes us want hugs and comfort.You were wise to keep your door licked because with an addict it always goes farther than we wanted it to and the ride begins
Don't be too hard on yourself being sick makes us want hugs and comfort.You were wise to keep your door licked because with an addict it always goes farther than we wanted it to and the ride begins
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I still deeply resent that life isn't a fairy tale-
as if I'd have signed up for corporeal existance had I known... LOL
I often feel I was sold a bill of goods
that life is what it is and
nothing like what I was promised....
But I know how it is, to be sick and
just want to be coddled.
as if I'd have signed up for corporeal existance had I known... LOL
I often feel I was sold a bill of goods
that life is what it is and
nothing like what I was promised....
But I know how it is, to be sick and
just want to be coddled.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hang in there! I know it's hard. I also turn into a huge baby when I am sick too. Xabf used to be so nice when I was sick. Then I got better and the ugly came back out again just as fast as the being there for me when I was sick. Play the tape all the way through. What has changed? What is he willing to change? You deserve a happy life. Keep moving toward that. Hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Yes, there are times when I sit and wonder why my life hasn't turned out much as I had planned or wanted it to. Then again, I made decisions and it was those decisions that influenced the paths I took, so I guess I got what I was meant to have in the end.
Maybe I need to ponder more before I decide or choose something in future.
God bless
Maybe I need to ponder more before I decide or choose something in future.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
OH Sweetie.
I am so sorry you have been sick
You are not a baby. it is perfectly okay to want to be cared for when we are sick.
Sickness often has a purpose, to slow us down, to re-orgnise priorities, to allow oursleves to be nurtured by others, to stop or whatever.
I am sorry your relationship does not provide the nurturing you need and deserve. My illness last month was the final straw that broke the camels back. My A was too drunk to provide me care when I had pneomonia. I finally decided to end it.
Hope you are feeling better.
I am so sorry you have been sick
You are not a baby. it is perfectly okay to want to be cared for when we are sick.
Sickness often has a purpose, to slow us down, to re-orgnise priorities, to allow oursleves to be nurtured by others, to stop or whatever.
I am sorry your relationship does not provide the nurturing you need and deserve. My illness last month was the final straw that broke the camels back. My A was too drunk to provide me care when I had pneomonia. I finally decided to end it.
Hope you are feeling better.
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