New here. SO and mom recovering addicts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 7
New here. SO and mom recovering addicts
I'm so glad I found this place. Mine is an interesting story, I'll try to make it short for now.
Grew up with a mom who was addicted to drugs. For as long as I remember. When I was 15 she was caught and fired from her work as a nurse. She was forced into a program and went out patient. At the time, I went to the Alanon when she went to her meetings. I learned a lot but always felt my mom didn't. and as soon as she was "done" with her outpatient, she turned to drinking. She was functioning. I never could talk about it to anyone. She doesn't drink or do anything now, though I don't know what stopped her. I thought it was behind me but alas....
4 years ago, I got involved in my first serious relationship at age 34 (because I never let myself get close). Little did I realize he was addicted to pot and had tried pretty much every drug under the sun. I didn't realize because we were long distance and even if there were signs, I missed them. Then he moved in with me about 3 1/2 years ago. Quickly I realized things were not right. I knew he smoked pot but I knew lots of people who did and it didn't seem to get in the way of their lives. Not so with my SO.
Oh the lies. The money stealing. Dangerous events. Living off me, etc etc. Finally 6 months into him living with me, I said "get out". He begged and pleaded and said he'd get therapy, etc. He did but it still took him another month to really realize he had a serious problem. He went to MA and therapy.
And he hasn't, to my knowledge, used since. What I didn't realize is that *I* needed to recover too!!! I've been angry and resentful and punishing him and myself since March of 07. Even through a couples therapist who I saw alone, who never mentioned that I needed to go through this too.
So after being horribly unhappy the last 3 years, and making both of us miserable, being constantly suspicious (you all know the drill), I decided I wanted to split up. Except he's not really done anything. So I started with a different therapist. She said "he's moved on and you haven't". Yeah, so true! Then today she suggested that I go to naranon or a support group for families of addicts.
Why didn't I think of this?? So I stumbled across this website and I've been reading everyone's stories. I found myself nodding along.
Except, it's me who needs to do work on myself now. Will it fix our relationship issues? I don't know, I just have to do this for me. I need to fix me. Or at least work on it.
I just don't know where to start. I never fully dealt with my issues with my mom's addiction. Nor this one. How do I help myself..... my therapist is a start but not seeing her until Friday. I'm going to find some kind of support meeting too. But what else should I/Can I be doing?
Sorry if I sound frantic. I kind of am. I am scared and anxious but excited. Because I don't like what I've become in the last 3 years. Thank you all in advance even if you read this
Grew up with a mom who was addicted to drugs. For as long as I remember. When I was 15 she was caught and fired from her work as a nurse. She was forced into a program and went out patient. At the time, I went to the Alanon when she went to her meetings. I learned a lot but always felt my mom didn't. and as soon as she was "done" with her outpatient, she turned to drinking. She was functioning. I never could talk about it to anyone. She doesn't drink or do anything now, though I don't know what stopped her. I thought it was behind me but alas....
4 years ago, I got involved in my first serious relationship at age 34 (because I never let myself get close). Little did I realize he was addicted to pot and had tried pretty much every drug under the sun. I didn't realize because we were long distance and even if there were signs, I missed them. Then he moved in with me about 3 1/2 years ago. Quickly I realized things were not right. I knew he smoked pot but I knew lots of people who did and it didn't seem to get in the way of their lives. Not so with my SO.
Oh the lies. The money stealing. Dangerous events. Living off me, etc etc. Finally 6 months into him living with me, I said "get out". He begged and pleaded and said he'd get therapy, etc. He did but it still took him another month to really realize he had a serious problem. He went to MA and therapy.
And he hasn't, to my knowledge, used since. What I didn't realize is that *I* needed to recover too!!! I've been angry and resentful and punishing him and myself since March of 07. Even through a couples therapist who I saw alone, who never mentioned that I needed to go through this too.
So after being horribly unhappy the last 3 years, and making both of us miserable, being constantly suspicious (you all know the drill), I decided I wanted to split up. Except he's not really done anything. So I started with a different therapist. She said "he's moved on and you haven't". Yeah, so true! Then today she suggested that I go to naranon or a support group for families of addicts.
Why didn't I think of this?? So I stumbled across this website and I've been reading everyone's stories. I found myself nodding along.
Except, it's me who needs to do work on myself now. Will it fix our relationship issues? I don't know, I just have to do this for me. I need to fix me. Or at least work on it.
I just don't know where to start. I never fully dealt with my issues with my mom's addiction. Nor this one. How do I help myself..... my therapist is a start but not seeing her until Friday. I'm going to find some kind of support meeting too. But what else should I/Can I be doing?
Sorry if I sound frantic. I kind of am. I am scared and anxious but excited. Because I don't like what I've become in the last 3 years. Thank you all in advance even if you read this
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Darina)) - welcome to SR!!
When I first got here, I read and read and read I realized I was definitely not alone. BTW, I'm a recovering addict (I was a nurse, too) and am a codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts.
Other than reading, therapy and al-anon or nar-anon meetings, a really good book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I've read it more than once.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When I first got here, I read and read and read
I realized I was definitely not alone. BTW, I'm a recovering addict (I was a nurse, too) and am a codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts.Other than reading, therapy and al-anon or nar-anon meetings, a really good book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I've read it more than once.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Welcome! I'm glad you found this place too.
This is about where I'm at now too....I also have issues from the past I probably need to deal with although the circumstances are a bit different. It seems like I just can't put my finger on what's been going on within me.
Sounds like you're on the right track though....Naranon (and/or Alanon) and counseling are good steps. Dealing with the way addiction affected you growing up may be the best place to start. Maybe, once you do that, things will start to make more sense.
Also, I know for me, having a sponsor to talk to, share with, and help me think/work through things has been wonderful. She encourages me to journal and meditate as well. The only other thing I can think of is giving "Codependent No More" a try. I'm still working on it, but it seems better on my second try.
Stick around, there's lots of good stuff here! I wish you well.
Originally Posted by Darina 
Except, it's me who needs to do work on myself now. Will it fix our relationship issues? I don't know, I just have to do this for me. I need to fix me. Or at least work on it.
Sounds like you're on the right track though....Naranon (and/or Alanon) and counseling are good steps. Dealing with the way addiction affected you growing up may be the best place to start. Maybe, once you do that, things will start to make more sense.
Also, I know for me, having a sponsor to talk to, share with, and help me think/work through things has been wonderful. She encourages me to journal and meditate as well. The only other thing I can think of is giving "Codependent No More" a try. I'm still working on it, but it seems better on my second try.
Stick around, there's lots of good stuff here! I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Bless your heart for realizing what you need to do. I've been seeing a therapist for the last couple of years and it's not my first time. In hindsight, I stopped each time before when it got too uncomfortable. About the only thing I can add is to push through it when/if that happens. Willingness has made all the difference for me this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 7
Thanks
Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. As I wrote in my personal journal last night, I'm both glad and sad that there are so many people in similar situations. I'm glad that people want to share their own experiences, especially for those just starting like me.
Chino, is that your kitty in your icon? So cute
I'm reading and reading right now. the more I read, the more I feel I should be doing this. At first, I was like "no, this isn't my problem". And I'm sure that a lot of people said what I did "I didn't do drugs/drink, why do I have to fix things. S/he needs to!"
But now I realize that's a dream world. When your SO goes and gets sober and you don't go through it with them, nothing can be right. What's sad is that when he first went to MA, I asked if I could go with him at any point, if it was accepted there. I wanted to see and be involved. He never wanted me to go. Now I wonder why.
I've lived with suspicion and in sleuth mode so long, that's gonna be the hardest thing LOL He's lied to me about so much, even since he's been clean, that it is hard. But since I never knew him as a sober person (indeed, most people never did, he started using pot at 11), I still don't even know him fully.
Chino, is that your kitty in your icon? So cute
I'm reading and reading right now. the more I read, the more I feel I should be doing this. At first, I was like "no, this isn't my problem". And I'm sure that a lot of people said what I did "I didn't do drugs/drink, why do I have to fix things. S/he needs to!"
But now I realize that's a dream world. When your SO goes and gets sober and you don't go through it with them, nothing can be right. What's sad is that when he first went to MA, I asked if I could go with him at any point, if it was accepted there. I wanted to see and be involved. He never wanted me to go. Now I wonder why.
I've lived with suspicion and in sleuth mode so long, that's gonna be the hardest thing LOL He's lied to me about so much, even since he's been clean, that it is hard. But since I never knew him as a sober person (indeed, most people never did, he started using pot at 11), I still don't even know him fully.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Welcome Darina
After reading your post, I've decided I want you to be my therapist because I think you're really doing well!
As far as the "trust" issue goes, it takes a long, long time to rebuild a trust; therefore, you cannot beat yourself up over that issue.
My adult son has been in and out of prison for most of his adult life. He has been out now for almost 1-1/2 years (wow, time went fast) I still have huge trust issues with him. He doesn't like the fact that I don't trust him, but has to accept it.
In short, you sound like you have overcome a great deal in your young life, and I do believe you will overcome this hurdle to! Good for you!
Keep popping in and get all the information you can.
Hugs and prayers going your way
Devastated
As far as the "trust" issue goes, it takes a long, long time to rebuild a trust; therefore, you cannot beat yourself up over that issue.
My adult son has been in and out of prison for most of his adult life. He has been out now for almost 1-1/2 years (wow, time went fast) I still have huge trust issues with him. He doesn't like the fact that I don't trust him, but has to accept it.
In short, you sound like you have overcome a great deal in your young life, and I do believe you will overcome this hurdle to! Good for you!
Keep popping in and get all the information you can.
Hugs and prayers going your way
Devastated
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I wanted to see and be involved. He never wanted me to go. Now I wonder why.
Yes, that's my kitty cat. She gets the full benefit of all my codie behaviors and she loves it. It's a win-win situation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Chino
Would you want him at your meetings?
Yes, that's my kitty cat. She gets the full benefit of all my codie behaviors and she loves it. It's a win-win situation
Yes, that's my kitty cat. She gets the full benefit of all my codie behaviors and she loves it. It's a win-win situation
When he first started going in 07, he was so proud of his chips and showing me info about the meetings and steps and talking about what he was doing. Then he kind of stopped talking. Then he stopped going early last year. He started again in Nov 09 but he never talks about them now. So I get suspicious if he's even going. When I asked him about it the other day he got really mad and said "you showed no interest". Which isn't true but I didn't push it. I'm tired of "policing" him. If he goes, he goes. If he doesn't, he doesn't.
However, his lack of sharing has made me not even tell him I've started working on my own. There's so much that I need to work on LOL
And your cat is awesome
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