nodaybut2day

Fear and I...well, let's just say we're good buddies. I've spent a good portion of my life living in fear of various things. Sure there are silly things, like being afraid of spiders, but there were also real things, like being afraid of being spanked or being afraid when my father yelled, or being afraid that my boyfriends would rape me like my physiotherapist did. Now, all those situations were somewhat dramatic in and of themselves, but eventually, living in fear became a habit. I was like a nervous rabbit, twitching about, looking to and fro, running into the arms of whichever Big Powerful Protector I had found for myself.

My XAH didn't help matters much. Though he supposedly protected me from the big bad outside world, I started being afraid of him. I was afraid he'd get angry. Afraid he would scream. Afraid he'd cut himself. Afraid he'd break things. Afraid of what he'd say to me. Afraid of hurting his feelings. And later on when I left, I became afraid of what he would do regarding our daughter.

At this point, his presence in my life is slowly fading, and yet, I find that the initial fear remains. Last night, I journaled on this and realized the source and futility of my fear: it's my desire to control the outcome of situation or the reactions of others. Having been on SR for a little while now, I realize there's just no way to control these things. Heck, it's just a big old waste of energy because only HP knows what's best, so I might as well take my hands off the Steering Wheel of Life and enjoy the ride. Whatever happens, however unpleasant, uncomfortable or otherwise is simply meant to happen so I can learn a valuable lesson.

Once I realized all this, I felt as though I could breathe a sigh of relief, and let go all that fear. It's been priceless for me and I feel, once again, as though I've been given a gift from up above.

LaTeeDa

My therapist called that state "hyper-vigilance." I think I spent the first 40 years of my life that way.

L

peaceteach

I never had a name for it, but have definitely (and still do) suffered from it. I would love to hear more, particularly ways to "remind" myself that I'm slipping into the fear zone and forgetting that it's okay to be happy, to live free from fear and anxiety, especially after all these years! I know, I know, let go and let God, one day at a time, yadayada. But I really would like some ideas for what works for others to ward off the "slipping down that slope" of worry over stuff.

wicked

peaceteach,

there was a book i read by albert ellis. a genius when it comes to changing negative thoughts. i cannot remember the title now.
i will try to find it. but i found it helpful because you could stop and think
"is this real"?
more complicated, but not by much.
beth

barb dwyer

Hyper aware = LOL ! is that what they're calling it these days... *g*

I just know that the brain runs full tilt roaring down 'possible future' avenues (often three and more at once)
so you can be ready to avert whatever is about to happen...
and we get so good at it everyone around us
thinks we're psychic
when in fact we've just learned how to think at light speeds.

Freedom1990

Ahhhh, what a wonderful read! My last codependent relapse was based on fear run rampant!

Thanks for sharing your experience, and reminding me that it's much better when HP does the driving.

:ghug3