Kjell

I pray, I'm in AA, I have a sponsor, I'm on step 4, I chair a meeting once a week. I post on SR. I'm also in outpatient therapy.

Today is day 71 and I'm having crazy thoughts. I know I can never drink again. I'm not so much thinking about drinking as much as I keep thinking about how much it "sucks" that I can't drink. I keep thinking how much my life sucks and why do I have to be different than other people? I even had the thought of "it's too bad you went and became an alcoholic and now you can't go to anymore parties". I'm even dreaming about drinking.

I'm restless, irratable, and angry as can be.

I've only got 1 outpatient meeting left (I can still do one a week for 9 additional weeks, which I will do) and I'm done with the 12 week program. I'm also 19 days away from completing 90 AA meetings in 90 days. Am I fearful of what's next? Am I scared b/c I'm more comfortable with drinking/f-ing up than to do the next right thing?

Something is going on. I need to step my recovery up. Any ideas?

Thanks,
Kjell

yeahgr8

I was on step 9 at 10 weeks sober, so im not going to be of much help other than crucial steps (yes i know they are all important, i mean actuallly feeling different ones!), for me, were step 5 and 9. The promises don't come until mid way through step 9 and step 10 is losing the mentall obsession...this was my experience:-)

Hang in there and maybe step up the step work!

55438

(((Kjell)))

First of all I am sorry that you are going through this. I had the same feelings about a month ago but I stuck with not drinking and I can say I do feel better now. I felt cheated, entitled and angry. I felt like I had unfairly been shackled to this huge boulder that would always point out how different I was, how I could never fit in.

I went for walks, talked with friends, spoiled myself, read and read and read. Nothing helped. I had to face my fear and go to a dinner where alcohol was served and NOT drink. I was sure that everyone would notice, that I would not be able to loosen up and have fun, that my friends would point out my difference. Know what? Nothing happened. I didn't drink, I had fun and I drove home sober. NONE of my fears were true. That is when I knew that I was going to be okay in my new sober world.

I don't know you. I would not suggest that you go to a party. But I would encourage you to really look at the fear behind your anger. Find it and face it. It wasn't bad for me, it may not be so bad for you either.

55438

intention

Hi Kjell

When I did Step 4 I set aside two days and in advance I booked the 3rd day with my sponsor for Step 5. I didn't want to have to look at what I had written in those inventories for too long, without the solution.

The thoughts that you are experiencing are the mental obsession over alcohol and it is promised this problem will be removed at Step 10 Big Book p84 & 85.
Keep going

angharad

[QUOTE=Kjell;2539661 I know I can never drink again. I'm not so much thinking about drinking as much as I keep thinking about how much it "sucks" that I can't drink. I keep thinking how much my life sucks and why do I have to be different than other people? I even had the thought of "it's too bad you went and became an alcoholic and now you can't go to anymore parties". I'm even dreaming about drinking.

I'm restless, irratable, and angry as can be.[/QUOTE]

This exactly how I feel and Im on day 5 today after a blip after 24 days....Im hoping it gets better hun

LovesToTravel

I think that you are looking to far into the future. Tackle it one day at a time. I had a date in mind when I stopped in October. I am really beginning to worry now that the date is approaching. And I dream all the time about drinking and smoking (I quit years ago).

Don't drink today.

Mcribb

have you exaimined your selfish needs yet? I know my brain sometimes says yes people have it worse but my heart doesn't when I get to this point I have to pray and say this too shall pass until those feelings are over

NEOMARXIST

I know how you feel. I went through the same at sporadic periods. Accept that more will come and it's only natural. It's a learning curve and as you get through it you begin to be able to put your finger on why you begin to feel like this.

I have found that I begin to feel that way due to a lack of gratitude.

Remember why you gave up drinking and everything that it caused you and your life.

I think there are always gonna be hard times and feelings such as this in sobriety.

My advice... Try to get that attitute of gratitude but most of all dont pick up just for today. Keep everything rooted in the day and not thinking ahead of today. I remember when i got through what you are feeling I was so relieved that i never picked up and it gave me strength. Do what you gotta do at AA and SR to keep sober.

All The Best.

NellieM

I've heard that voice in the head called "monkey mind". I like thinking of it like that, a crazy monkey running amok in my brain. If you can kind of step your thoughts back and observe that monkey swinging from tree to tree, then stopping to pelt some coconuts at you with those thoughts, well, I always end up having to laugh them off. My monkey mind can take me all kinds of places I don't want to go, if I let it.

wichitalineman

Hey Kjell,

I hear you. I am on day 76 and every day is not the same and some are simply more challenging than others. For me, it's been less of a 'I can never drink again' and more of a 'why is everyone else so preoccupied with drinking, how lame' kinda thing. Maybe the inverse point of view from where you are. Still, I need to be super careful to not slip into any kind of negative thinking - I mean, I was literally right there, chugging those beverages 'responsibly' (har har), only 77 days ago myself.

Things that have worked for me: music (Chopin has his charms, very soothing and relaxing, check out the Nocturnes), coffee (full disclosure: I've way upped the coffee game the last 76 days, ain't gonna lie), long walks (coffee + music!), drawing, and appreciating the fact that I have not been hungover in almost 3 months. I've also been reading Tony Robbins, and man, that stuff will pump you up. Been helping me tremendously, maybe it might help you too. Just an idea.

Hang in there man. You can do it!!

Kjell

Thank you for all the very helpful replies. I'm still sober and I hope you all are too.

Hopefully my post and your replies helped others to stay sober.

Till next time...

caligoose

Hang in there! You can get past this. Day 71??? That is such an accomplishment. I am hoping to get to day 7. You are doing wonderful!

Luckyv2

Yes they all help cause we are never sure what will strike someone at a particular time that they need to hear what is said.

I'm glad your hear and made it through those thoughts. Only thoughts, unless we place them into action.

Looks like from your first post you are doing the deal, so keep doing it.

Usually on working our fourth step we do start to feel a little crazy cause it is bringing out the things that we are not too proud about. But once we get through it and keep on to step 5 you will find a lot of relief.

You can even break step 5 down, just tell your sponsor you would like to get some of this stuff off of your chess and I am sure that they would be happy to sit and listen to you.

Dee74

I'm glad you're feeling better Kjell

Life's not always rosy - neither is recovery...but there's always help and support here

D

Spawn

"Keep going to meetings"