How do you do it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 7
How do you do it?
I told my addict boyfriend that until he chooses to live a drug free life, I'm done. Ive known him since before he touched drugs and he's just not the same person anymore. These drugs (pills, heroin, meth, crack, you name it) have taken his soul. His only care in the world is getting high.
His body is deteriorating, not a day goes by where he doesnt lie, he steals from loved ones, shoplifts, has a stack of ongoing legal problems, etc.
Those of you who have said goodbye to a loved one, how to you find the strength not to cave in and let them back in your life? I know it's for the best, for both him and myself, but I feel lonely without him. Especially knowing that I can let him back in my life in an instant.
If he ends up dieing from an OD or just from prolonged drug use I can't help but wonder if I'll regret shutting him out of my life. I'm hoping he will realise that living for a drug is not really living at all, but he's so deep in addiction that all I can do is hope at this point.
I told him that I love him and that's why I can't watch him kill himself anymore. He was pretty angry and in denial about how bad he's gotten, but I expected that. I don't know. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If you've been there & done that, with positive outcomes, please share!
His body is deteriorating, not a day goes by where he doesnt lie, he steals from loved ones, shoplifts, has a stack of ongoing legal problems, etc.
Those of you who have said goodbye to a loved one, how to you find the strength not to cave in and let them back in your life? I know it's for the best, for both him and myself, but I feel lonely without him. Especially knowing that I can let him back in my life in an instant.
If he ends up dieing from an OD or just from prolonged drug use I can't help but wonder if I'll regret shutting him out of my life. I'm hoping he will realise that living for a drug is not really living at all, but he's so deep in addiction that all I can do is hope at this point.
I told him that I love him and that's why I can't watch him kill himself anymore. He was pretty angry and in denial about how bad he's gotten, but I expected that. I don't know. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If you've been there & done that, with positive outcomes, please share!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Read, read, read this forum. There are dozens of stories just like yours from women who have been exactly where you are and have chosen to leave the madness of life with an addict. It is never a wrong decision to put your own needs first and whatever he chooses to do is not in any way your fault. You cannot control him or you would have been able to make him stop using. Save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Hello What!
IMHO positive outcome is when... you take care of you... that IS positive.
Read, read, read the sticky posts at the top... that's positive.
Leave your boyfriend's choices to him and his HP... that's positive.
Keep coming back here... you'll learn... that's positive.
WELCOME!
IMHO positive outcome is when... you take care of you... that IS positive.
Read, read, read the sticky posts at the top... that's positive.
Leave your boyfriend's choices to him and his HP... that's positive.
Keep coming back here... you'll learn... that's positive.
WELCOME!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
There were many times when I felt my divorce was more like abandoning a sick child than divorcing an addicted husband. And that is JUST WHAT HE WANTED ME TO THINK!
Time and time again, I allowed myself to be manipulated by guilt, by pity and by insinuations that he would do himself harm. Time and time again, I nudged my boundaries back to accommodate this manipulation. Time and time again, I hated myself for falling for his B.S.........again. The only thing that bothered me more than letting him trick me once was letting him trick me again and again and again. Really, at the end, it wasn't him I hated. It was me. For being so weak and gutless and gullible.
I had to find the strength to do what I KNEW needed to be done. I can't tell you how much joy I found in finally sticking up for myself.
And, hey, ya know what? He never did commit suicide..... He just found himself another sucker to feel sorry for him.
When you are really at the end of your rope, believe me, you will let go.
Babs
Time and time again, I allowed myself to be manipulated by guilt, by pity and by insinuations that he would do himself harm. Time and time again, I nudged my boundaries back to accommodate this manipulation. Time and time again, I hated myself for falling for his B.S.........again. The only thing that bothered me more than letting him trick me once was letting him trick me again and again and again. Really, at the end, it wasn't him I hated. It was me. For being so weak and gutless and gullible.
I had to find the strength to do what I KNEW needed to be done. I can't tell you how much joy I found in finally sticking up for myself.
And, hey, ya know what? He never did commit suicide..... He just found himself another sucker to feel sorry for him.
When you are really at the end of your rope, believe me, you will let go.
Babs
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
How do you do it, you asked?
One day at a time. Sometimes one minute or second at a time. But every moment you spend working on yourself, and stay in contact with people who support you is a moment in life that you are really living, on your terms.
It's hard as he!! to go no contact with a loved one. We codies actually have to detox from them and it can be tough in the beginning.
I literally stayed on SR 24/7 for the first few weeks until I felt more stabilized. The people on here held my hand and walked Me through it. I had to force myself at times to not go back into my old behaviors, but it got easier as the days went by. (one at a time)
What got Me through it was knowing that I could not take ANOTHER DAY living my life in HIS chaos anymore. I was done, and had reached the end of my rope. I want a better life for myself, and I found myself waiting on Him all the time (which is my fault) and love just wasn't gonna cut it anymore. I realized that I loved Him more than I loved myself....and that's just nuts. It had to end.
He is angry at Me and maintains that He has been sober, but the difference is now I no longer listen to what He says...I only go by His actions and my gut. And they're BOTH telling Me he is lying.
I am now 2 months and 8 days of living without my AH. I feel better than I ever have....sure I have weepy moments and doubt myself on occasion...and I still miss the idea of what we could have had....but I no longer have to wonder WHO I am coming home to and wonder if someone in my home is high or not. SO much better.
The panic is gone, the worry is gone, the pulling in my stomach is gone...I can leave my purse out anywhere in the house I want to and don't have to worry that money is missing...and I just don't feel the need to FIX anyone but myself these days. It is better.
Only he can decide to change the course of his life...and only you can decide to change the course of yours.
We are all here with you and understand EXACTLY what you're going through.
When you are truly ready for change it will happen, and we will be here with you every step of the way...whether you choose to stay with Him or not.
One day at a time. Sometimes one minute or second at a time. But every moment you spend working on yourself, and stay in contact with people who support you is a moment in life that you are really living, on your terms.
It's hard as he!! to go no contact with a loved one. We codies actually have to detox from them and it can be tough in the beginning.
I literally stayed on SR 24/7 for the first few weeks until I felt more stabilized. The people on here held my hand and walked Me through it. I had to force myself at times to not go back into my old behaviors, but it got easier as the days went by. (one at a time)
What got Me through it was knowing that I could not take ANOTHER DAY living my life in HIS chaos anymore. I was done, and had reached the end of my rope. I want a better life for myself, and I found myself waiting on Him all the time (which is my fault) and love just wasn't gonna cut it anymore. I realized that I loved Him more than I loved myself....and that's just nuts. It had to end.
He is angry at Me and maintains that He has been sober, but the difference is now I no longer listen to what He says...I only go by His actions and my gut. And they're BOTH telling Me he is lying.
I am now 2 months and 8 days of living without my AH. I feel better than I ever have....sure I have weepy moments and doubt myself on occasion...and I still miss the idea of what we could have had....but I no longer have to wonder WHO I am coming home to and wonder if someone in my home is high or not. SO much better.
The panic is gone, the worry is gone, the pulling in my stomach is gone...I can leave my purse out anywhere in the house I want to and don't have to worry that money is missing...and I just don't feel the need to FIX anyone but myself these days. It is better.
Only he can decide to change the course of his life...and only you can decide to change the course of yours.
We are all here with you and understand EXACTLY what you're going through.
When you are truly ready for change it will happen, and we will be here with you every step of the way...whether you choose to stay with Him or not.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 8
i read your post and had to comment. I broke up with my fiance, kicked him out bc i found out he was a heroin addict. i should have known with all the signs but i chose to turn a blind eye to it all and believe his lies about where all the money was going and so on. Finally he got arrested for drug possesion and i had enough. I reached a point where i realized i cant live like this. This isnt the life i want to live. This isnt a life i want to bring children into. I actually believed that bringing my pocketbook into the bathroom while i showered was ok. So many things i let go bc i loved him and didnt want to see what was right in front of me. This was a month ago. I have had minimal contact with him( he has written me emails from rehab apologizing). But i finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Does that mean i dont have moments where i cry hysterically and wish more than anything that he could be here with me.. no. Because sometimes the hurt is so overwhelming i wanna grab my heart and pull it out of my chest. But the bottom line is, he may never get better. He may never change. I could lose my life for him, and every time i have a weak moment where i feel i cant get out of bed. i just think about what kind of life i want. He was the most loving and caring man and heroin ruined his life. I refuse to let it ruin mine too. Stay strong u will get through this. I didnt think a month ago i would be able to get to where i am now . I was with him 8 years. that doesnt go away overnight. But every day it gets a little easier. I have been on this site alot reading and it really has helped so much. good luck 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
positive outcome?
with my ex-husband, it was not a positive outcome, as he is still miserable, and still drinking. but it was a positive outcome, because i got freedom. freedom from the dishonesty, the denial, and the feeling of being trapped. freedom from the sickness that had come into my life and the frustration that he just wouldn't see what was so obvious to me. a positive outcome because i believe i modeled courage, and what i would want my own daughters to do if they were in a dead-end relationship.
it depends on how you look at it.
with my ex-husband, it was not a positive outcome, as he is still miserable, and still drinking. but it was a positive outcome, because i got freedom. freedom from the dishonesty, the denial, and the feeling of being trapped. freedom from the sickness that had come into my life and the frustration that he just wouldn't see what was so obvious to me. a positive outcome because i believe i modeled courage, and what i would want my own daughters to do if they were in a dead-end relationship.
it depends on how you look at it.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You are not his savior...as you have probably tried to be. That only messes up two lives
instead on one.
Life is about letting go. Here is one of those times for you.
Go free....and soar.
instead on one.
Life is about letting go. Here is one of those times for you.
Go free....and soar.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello What
I read your post and, once again, feel terrible because one more life has been affected by those stinking drugs!
That said, you asked, "How Do You Do It?" and I guess the answer to that is, everyone heals in a different way. Therefore, take it one day at a time. Don't dwell on the past, and always move forward. Don't feel guilty for trying to save yourself! You cannot save him, he is the only one that can save himself; therefore, by leaving him you are giving him this chance to do just that. By staying with him and allowing him to continuing abusing himself, and you, you would be merely prolonging his and your agony!
You did the right thing, and I for one only wish I had been brave enough to do this with my son 35 years ago!!
Prayers heading your way
Devastated
That said, you asked, "How Do You Do It?" and I guess the answer to that is, everyone heals in a different way. Therefore, take it one day at a time. Don't dwell on the past, and always move forward. Don't feel guilty for trying to save yourself! You cannot save him, he is the only one that can save himself; therefore, by leaving him you are giving him this chance to do just that. By staying with him and allowing him to continuing abusing himself, and you, you would be merely prolonging his and your agony!
You did the right thing, and I for one only wish I had been brave enough to do this with my son 35 years ago!!
Prayers heading your way
Devastated
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by confused27 
He was the most loving and caring man and heroin ruined his life.
Sounds like he thought he was unique and could control heroin. Maybe he still believes this. That's OK. Really it is.
You have no control over him or his choices. Only thing you can control is yourself. For me, that's enough to do. How about you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by what
If he ends up dieing from an OD or just from prolonged drug use I can't help but wonder if I'll regret shutting him out of my life.
What I do know is that you have no control over him or his addiction. You have no power over him or his addiction. He is going to do, what he does, regardless if you stay or go.
Telling him that until he chooses to live a drug free life....is a controlling statement. Telling him that you do not associate with people in active addiction is a boundry. A boundry is only as good as your willingness to live by it.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
how do you do it? one day at a time.
i had to separate from my ah after 21yrs of the drama. it hurt like crazy and the only way i could do it was one minute at a time until it got to where i could do it one day at a time. it does get easier and if you think about it, you may be helping him more than you think.
for me, when i thought about the separation as something that was gonna be forever, it hurt more. if you need to, think about just doing what you need to do just for today. tomorrow you can change your mind if you need to. if somehow you make it through today and tomorrow comes you could repeat or not. hope that makes sense.
i had to separate from my ah after 21yrs of the drama. it hurt like crazy and the only way i could do it was one minute at a time until it got to where i could do it one day at a time. it does get easier and if you think about it, you may be helping him more than you think.
for me, when i thought about the separation as something that was gonna be forever, it hurt more. if you need to, think about just doing what you need to do just for today. tomorrow you can change your mind if you need to. if somehow you make it through today and tomorrow comes you could repeat or not. hope that makes sense.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 7
Thanks for the replies everyone. It's been almost two weeks now and Im starting to feel better.
I completely understand that I have no control over the situation. I think the way I worded that was to try to make the separation seem temporary. To reinforce the idea that the way he chooses to live, is just that, his choice. I know he doesn't find drugs to be 'fun' anymore, its just the addiction right now. I believe it's up to him to make the decision to stop using. I understand that all I can do is sit back and hope he decides to be done some day. It's just hard to not call him up or stop on by, when you want to chat. When you spend the entire day thinking about what they are doing.
told my addict boyfriend that until he chooses to live a drug free life, I'm done
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
RE: How do you do it?
Good for you. It's painful, but it gets better. I left my husband 15 years ago when I came home from work and found my children locked in the house, instead of being watched by my husband.
I asked him why he left the kids alone. His reply was "You told me never to have the kids with me if I bought pot".
You can't control his choices. You can't feel guilty. It's hard, but it is what you must do. I am struggling with the same thing in dealing with my son.
I asked him why he left the kids alone. His reply was "You told me never to have the kids with me if I bought pot".
You can't control his choices. You can't feel guilty. It's hard, but it is what you must do. I am struggling with the same thing in dealing with my son.
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