euphoric

My 27 year old son has been a extremely heavy drinker sense he was about 20. He has been living with me his entire life, his father passed away when he was 17 in a fatal car accident. He is my only child, When his father died it devastated him, his dad was like his best friend. They did and went everywhere together, It was rare to see him no right next to his dad. Over the last 5 years he has began to drink so much that it has effected his life drasticly. He has lost 3 jobs, his girlfriend of 4 years left him, he has been arrested for DUI and he also has damaged his car as a result of driving while intoxicated. He is currently on probation for DUI and his has no license. All he does all day when he wakes up is drink, I really dont know how he drinks as much as he does and still wake up in the morning. He drinks vodka or white rum mostly, he can finish a 5th in 7 hours with no problem. I want him to get sober so badly but he refuses. He has told me he would rather die then go back to jail or stop drinking....God what do i do...

MissFixit

Hugs.

Stop enabling him. This means if his alcohol consumption bothers you, then you can set up boundaries. For example, no drinking in your house. If he does, then...

I feel for you. Have you been to al anon? If not, please go.

Ann

It's hard watching someone we love destroy themselves, I to am a mama here and know your pain.

Sadly, we can't help them, only they can do it for themselves. But we don't have to keep a front row seat to their addiction, it's the worst seat in the house.

I had to make my son leave our home (like your son, he was an adult who should be taking care of himself.) When I did, I told him that I was no longer his only option...he could choose the street, or he could choose to go to detox and find recovery and then left the choice up to him.

What helped me was to find meetings for me, those 12 little steps literally saved my life.

Stick around, there are others here who will welcome you also.

Hugs from one mama to another.

tellus

Euphoric, I am so sorry for what he is putting you through.

I, too, started drinking very heavily around age 20. When my drinking got bad, my mom gave me a choice: get sober or move out. I chose to move out. When I got worse, another choice: get sober or she'd stop helping me out financially. I chose the latter.

My mom set strict boundaries, but she also made it clear that when I wanted to get help, she'd help me find the resources to get sober. And when I was ready, she helped me. She would have been totally justified, however, in cutting off all contact and making me pick up the pieces all by myself.

Basically... Your son's problem is his problem, and he's forcing it on you. Take care of yourself and your needs, and he'll take care of himself when he's ready to. Unfortunately, that's all that can be done. He'll resent you for setting boundaries in the short term, but if he chooses recovery he'll come to understand and appreciate those boundaries.

(P.S. I'm now over two years sober and my mom and I have a fantastic relationship again. We've both grown a lot over the past couple years. Take heart, there's hope!)

CAPTAINZING2000

Almost sounds like my son . He's on his second DUI in over a year and a half. It's like watching my life flash before my eyes again.

How is your son getting money to drink on??

qwe

Welcome, Euphoric.

Although I'm new here I can tell you you've found a great place to help you with this heartbreaking situation you are experiencing. My kids are young, so I can only imagine the pain, and I have seen it on the faces and heard it in the voices of other Mom's in situations like yours when I'm at my Al-Anon meetings.

One of the first things I grabbed onto at Al-Anon was I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. And that so much of what I had done to "help" my husband had probably actually perpetuated the problem.

There is vast knowledge here and others more experienced than I will be by soon, I am sure. Keep coming back, keep posting, and read some of the other posts that are here. I also whole-heartedly recommend that you find Al-Anon meetings in your area. You may want to try a few so that you find a group where you feel comfortable. Seeing people face to face who you know understand can help make things a bit more bearable. They absolutely make a difference, even if you go and say nothing.

Hugs!

euphoric

His friend, I suspect his friend is a very large drug dealer. The kid drives BMW, pays cash for everything, but yet has no job? They have been good friends sense middle school, he is at his house almost 5 out of 7 days a week.

Gold

Hello Euphoric
Welcome to SR.
It must be heartbreaking to witness your sons alcoholism.

The hardest part of parenting is watching our children fall and make mistakes.

I agree. This is your sons problem.
Why at his age is he still living with you and not standing up independently as an adult?
You are not responsible for providing him a home any more. He is a grown up. You did not cause his pain and suffering nor are you responsible for his choice to detach from the world by drinking. You are not responsible to support him financially either.

You are responsible for yourself and yourself alone ( unless you have any other underage dependants of course).
Are you living the life YOU want to? How can you start to do so?

I strongly recommend you read Co-dependent No More and insightful book by Melody Beattie.

Hugs to you and I hope you stick around and read the posts here. You are not alone.

euphoric

Because I am his Mother and I am the only family he has, I would never force my son to move out, That is asking for him to go to jail, an he has already stated he would rather die then go back to jail. He has become violent while intoxicated in the past (not towards me, or law enforcement) but towards our neighbor, A few years back i mentioned to him a neighbor made a sexual remark about me when i was jogging and he said "oh" then a few hours later assaulted the man when he was walking to his car breaking his eye socket. I know my boy better then anyone, i an know if he was to go back to jail i think he would attempt suicide or do something extremely drastic. The few days he was in jail on the dui charge scared him badly, i dont know what happened (or if anything happened?) but he has made it very clear he will not go back.

AlwaysGrowing

euphoric

Well if you keep doing what you are doing you are going to get the same results. Some for your son.

My advice would be Alanon for you to just be able to understand what is going on beyond what you see and 'think' you understand.

It is your call and your choice to act (1) for you and (2) for him.

AG

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!

We are glad you found us. I am sorry that your son's active alcoholism is what brings you to these forums. However, you will find support and information for yourself here.

I am a recovering alcoholic, a recovering exspouse of an alcoholic, a recovering codie (codependency), and a mom to a young lady that drinks.

As a recovering alcoholic, my greatest fear when I was deep into my addiction was: Sobriety. I was afraid to live my life without alcohol.

Alcohol had become my god and I worshipped daily at its throne. It understood me when no one else did. It helped me sleep. It calmed me at the end of a stressful day. It helped me grieve. It helped me celebrate. I could not imagine life without alcohol!

Is it possible that the horrible thing that happened to your son in jail was forced sobriety? His greatest fear - daily life without alcohol?

barb dwyer

hi euphoric nd welcome to SR!

I hope you will take the time out
to read the stickies at the top of this forum,
there's a wonderful resource list there
that you can use in '3-d' as well as online.

Since your son is an alcoholic
(openly)
I also suggest reading the stickies at the top of the alcohoplism forum -
specifically the 'under the influence references.

First and formost -
you're not alone any more.
You've found us.
This group will
(trust me I know from experience)
go the distance to the tip top that
any online resourse can go to help.

They offer wonderful support
and a bottomless PIT of wisdom
laughter and courage.

I read your opening post twice and something begs to be said.
Please prepare yourself to hear and learn the truth.
The truth will set us free
but first it's gonna really pi$$ us off.

I can't emphasize enough the advice to you
to find and contact the nearest AlAnon group
and/or organization in your vicinity
and go.
Then go back.
And go back again.
buy the book
read the book
and keep going.

Bernadette

Hi euphoric!
welcome!

Have you tried AlAnon? AlAnon is free and is for the friends & family who love an alcoholic.

It really turned my head around - I was going crazy and depressed with fear, worry, and enabling my alcoholic brothers. I had a lot to learn about alcoholism and what it does to the alcoholic and to the family members. It can make US pretty sick as well.

Keep an open mind as you read around here - check out the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum - lots of good stuff in there - esp. in the "Classic Reading."

There is no way to make your son get sober or choose recovery...but if you speak to rcovered A's they often will tell you that when things got uncomfortable and painful and miserable enough they started considering recovery and sobriety.

As long as your son has a soft place to land he will keep drinking - it is what his brain is now programmed to do - and he will say all kinds of stuff to scare you so you don't threaten his routine. Sadly, that's what all addicts do! Say ANYTHING to keep drinking and keep change far far away.

Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. So if they have to work to earn money to drink - they will work. If they have to admit they have a problem to get family off their back - they will admit they have a problem. But they will NOT stop drinking and change and seek recovery until they have had enough and they decide it is time for a change.

That's why a lot of the advice and wisdom and experience you will read about on here will share things about stopping the enabling and letting the addict fall. I had to learn that my impulses to "help" were getting in the way of consequences that may spur my brothers to desire change. And I don't want to have any part in their destruction....so I had to learn how to stop enabling. Because I simply WILL NOT play for Team Alcohol, I love my brothers too much to play a part in their addiction.

Glad you're here! Stick around - you've found a great bunch of folks who know exactly how you feel. You're not alone.

Maybe you can find an AlAnon meeting nearby - it sure saved my life!
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
peace-
b

MissFixit

My exA's father bailed him out of drinking incidents numerous times. He is 45 now, still abusing booze and a late stage A.

GiveLove

I am not a parent, euphoric, but I have watched the interaction between my stepmother and my alcoholic younger brother closely, as we all come from a family full of addiction.

For many years, he lived at home with her, on into his late 20's. He developed not only an alcohol problem but also a drug problem. He drank morning, noon, and night. He lost jobs, he lost girlfriends. Through it all, his mother supported him, put a roof over his head and food in his mouth, never let him feel the repercussions of his poor choices. Made excuses for him (our father died when he was 20).

It wasn't until she moved him out of her house, and into an apartment of his own, that he started to get better. It took some fits and starts, but eventually he was forced to find and keep a better job, make different friends, and now is much happier and healthier.......if he was still living under her safe umbrella, he would never have been forced to make these changes in his life, and he might not even be alive at this point.

As long as you keep him from having to answer for his poor choices, he will continue to make them, I'm afraid. You may not be doing him any favors by protecting him. You may be doing quite the opposite. Alcoholism is horrible that way.

I encourage you to find an Al-Anon community close to you, so you can share ideas and support with others who are in your situation. Doing so probably saved my life, and certainly saved my sanity.

qwe

Hi again euphoric,

See? I knew more experience would arrive to support you! Even if what you are being told may not be what you want to hear right now.

One thing that's not discussed here is that series on A&E called Intervention. I've watched that, particularly for the pre-intervention talks the interventionists have with the families. There's an older guy there (I think his name is Jeff) who's very clear in what he says ... which is that all the help that us families give the addicted one prevents the A from actually feeling the consequences of their actions and choices. The family - those who love the A the most - feel them instead. And if the A does not feel the consequences, they find their current situation tolerable, why would they change? The power, in our situations, of alcohol, is immense. What Jeff talks about is getting the family to believe that "that [way of behaving] is done". "There is nothing we won't do to help the A to get better, but there is nothing we will do to help this go on one more day." This is very similar to what everyone with experience is telling you here.

The "stickies" at the top are really helpful. Another thread a while ago also turned me onto books called "getting them sober". If you google that, you'll find a website that has several chapters in full online for another good read.

Hugs again! Do keep coming back!

qwe

Hi again,

I just re-read your posts above about how you'd never make him move out & about his friend. Consider what you are telling us. You believe if you gave him a limit something like was mentioned before (get sober or get out) he'll end up in jail. Perhaps he'll just find a place to crash with his friend? How you foresee the future going may not be how it goes at all. He is already making choice that you would not make for him, and that is likely to continue. He is own person and will make his own choices. Each day he chooses to drink eventhough that is the last thing you would choose for him to do.

Also, consider the violence. Is it OK for him to be violent out of the blue to some people, as long as it's not toward you and law enforcement? Truly, in your heart. Is that OK for him - or for anyone in this world - to do? If he is dealing with his feelings violently now that will get worse. This whole disease is progressive, and if allowed to continue, what you see now is the mild version of what will happen in the future. Do you want to carry that worry in your heart as well? You know he won't. He'll be too drunk to worry about anything at all.

OK. Enough soapboxing from me. If I've gone too far someone more experienced please reprimand me and I'll learn. I'm off to my Friday meeting!

stella27

Hi euphoric,

I am glad you found us.
I hope you will stick around.
the main thing I have learned here is that my experience with my AH is not unique. In fact, had I known more about alcoholism, I would have realized that my experience is typical and has been experienced by others on this board far more than I could have imagined.

I expect that the same is true for mothers of alcoholic children.
Alcoholism is uncannily and eerily predictable if you educate yourself.

Good luck to you and again, welcome.