He hit somewhat of a rock bottom and turned my world upside down
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2
He hit somewhat of a rock bottom and turned my world upside down
In the last few weeks things have been really odd. Besides the late nights , the lies, which don't stop he's been acting weird a bit more attentive and he told me he loved me out of the blue.
Friday I had a nagging suspicion he leaves early in the morning so I thought he is either having breakfast with some of his friends or the women is back in the picture. This woman that he works with they were 'friends' a few years ago I saw them together anyway he swore it was nothing and so did she. I guess they were both doing damage control On and off I saw her home number on his cell phone and last week was one of them, and then some weird texts to this friend of ours. So I played detective and low and behold I found them in a parking lot close to his work. I can't get the image out of my head.
Kind of went balistic. His reaction was pathetic. He had none. He was stunned. The other women, she's also married. So now 2 ruined families. He couldn't fess up to much except say that it was their first time, wrong! He just left me this morning after we did it.
His reason he wanted to see how it was with someone else. Anyway after much crying on my part and a few pathetic promises on his, he's trying to get me to go to work. (So I could get out of his hair or no hair)
Anyway we were going to meet up and discuss further. During this whole episode the other one, was telling him to fix it with me, because she knew that I was going to go to her husband. And he just stood there, then I mentioned emails from this other friend of his and she went balistic and said well now that its out in the open how about the women in another part of the city...Pretty ugly anyway, it went on and on for a while.
Went to the meeting place with my plan because I had found out from the 'jilted lover' that this had been going on for awhile.
Got a call and he told me he had to go to some other work location and to meet him closer to home. 3 Hours later he's still not there. Got a call from him and I could tell he was loaded. He started telling me he couldn't meet me because he knew I was going to leave him and he's on a bridge ready to jump off ...take care of his kids, he loves me etc....I'm trying to calm him down and he's getting more hysterical so I just keep driving to his brothers house and he's still rambling on and on. His brother hears the conversation and calls his name and he says I'm hanging up the phone.
At this point not sure what to do...After a bit of calming down I explain the situation and they tell me he's buying time. So I take myself home, one of my kids calls in a panic because she thinks her dad is going to do something because he's telling her to give a message to her sister.
At this point not wanting to ignore the cry wolf. I head to the police station.
Well as it turned out he was only 15 minutes away from home. 2 hours later shows up home, cops take him to the hospital.
Once sobered up he is seen by a phyc. dr. and of course I was the crazy one. They gave him some information. His brother had a talk with him and convinced him to enter a detox centre. Which he did for 4 days, was released on Tuesday and he was given information for rehab as of this morning he still didn't have a plan...because of all he caused on Friday his company wanted some doctor's note clearing him to return to work.
Now he's upset because HR has an on him.
He's a really sick man is what I've concluded. 29years of marriage...and I'm devastated by the deceit of the man. So now we dealing with the alcohol and this affair.
What do I do. I've been doing alot of soul searching but still can't seem to make the final decision to leave him. I'm trying to let go let go....Someone
advised me to take care of the addiction first and then the other issue.
But how can I...Any suggestions would be welcome.
Friday I had a nagging suspicion he leaves early in the morning so I thought he is either having breakfast with some of his friends or the women is back in the picture. This woman that he works with they were 'friends' a few years ago I saw them together anyway he swore it was nothing and so did she. I guess they were both doing damage control On and off I saw her home number on his cell phone and last week was one of them, and then some weird texts to this friend of ours. So I played detective and low and behold I found them in a parking lot close to his work. I can't get the image out of my head.
Kind of went balistic. His reaction was pathetic. He had none. He was stunned. The other women, she's also married. So now 2 ruined families. He couldn't fess up to much except say that it was their first time, wrong! He just left me this morning after we did it.
His reason he wanted to see how it was with someone else. Anyway after much crying on my part and a few pathetic promises on his, he's trying to get me to go to work. (So I could get out of his hair or no hair)
Anyway we were going to meet up and discuss further. During this whole episode the other one, was telling him to fix it with me, because she knew that I was going to go to her husband. And he just stood there, then I mentioned emails from this other friend of his and she went balistic and said well now that its out in the open how about the women in another part of the city...Pretty ugly anyway, it went on and on for a while.
Went to the meeting place with my plan because I had found out from the 'jilted lover' that this had been going on for awhile.
Got a call and he told me he had to go to some other work location and to meet him closer to home. 3 Hours later he's still not there. Got a call from him and I could tell he was loaded. He started telling me he couldn't meet me because he knew I was going to leave him and he's on a bridge ready to jump off ...take care of his kids, he loves me etc....I'm trying to calm him down and he's getting more hysterical so I just keep driving to his brothers house and he's still rambling on and on. His brother hears the conversation and calls his name and he says I'm hanging up the phone.
At this point not sure what to do...After a bit of calming down I explain the situation and they tell me he's buying time. So I take myself home, one of my kids calls in a panic because she thinks her dad is going to do something because he's telling her to give a message to her sister.
At this point not wanting to ignore the cry wolf. I head to the police station.
Well as it turned out he was only 15 minutes away from home. 2 hours later shows up home, cops take him to the hospital.
Once sobered up he is seen by a phyc. dr. and of course I was the crazy one. They gave him some information. His brother had a talk with him and convinced him to enter a detox centre. Which he did for 4 days, was released on Tuesday and he was given information for rehab as of this morning he still didn't have a plan...because of all he caused on Friday his company wanted some doctor's note clearing him to return to work.
Now he's upset because HR has an on him.
He's a really sick man is what I've concluded. 29years of marriage...and I'm devastated by the deceit of the man. So now we dealing with the alcohol and this affair.
What do I do. I've been doing alot of soul searching but still can't seem to make the final decision to leave him. I'm trying to let go let go....Someone
advised me to take care of the addiction first and then the other issue.
But how can I...Any suggestions would be welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
First let me say Welcome!! Glad you have found us.
I am, of course, not glad for the reason you are here. You are up against a progressive and unctrollable disease that will take down anyone and anything in its destructive path. Educating yourself on alcoholism and focusing on the tools that will help you and your children stay out of harms way is a vital part of coping with an addict.
As to your question,
Someone
advised me to take care of the addiction first and then the other issue.
But how can I
I'm not sure what this person was getting at when they suggested 'taking care of' one issue or the other. There is nothing you can do to control or cure either his alcoholism or adultery. He's going to do what he is going to do regardless of what you say or do. The only thing you can get a handle on going forward is you and the welfare of your children.
My life was devastated for a long period of time by my X-boyfriend's alcoholism, and I believed that there was no way to cope with what his behavior had deteriorated to. I came here, sought support, read all I could, and learned that no only could I cope with living with him, but I could make healthy decisions for myself and move my life in a positive direction regardless of how what he chose to do with his.
Please stay and keep posting!
Alice
I am, of course, not glad for the reason you are here. You are up against a progressive and unctrollable disease that will take down anyone and anything in its destructive path. Educating yourself on alcoholism and focusing on the tools that will help you and your children stay out of harms way is a vital part of coping with an addict.
As to your question,
Someone
advised me to take care of the addiction first and then the other issue.
But how can I
I'm not sure what this person was getting at when they suggested 'taking care of' one issue or the other. There is nothing you can do to control or cure either his alcoholism or adultery. He's going to do what he is going to do regardless of what you say or do. The only thing you can get a handle on going forward is you and the welfare of your children.
My life was devastated for a long period of time by my X-boyfriend's alcoholism, and I believed that there was no way to cope with what his behavior had deteriorated to. I came here, sought support, read all I could, and learned that no only could I cope with living with him, but I could make healthy decisions for myself and move my life in a positive direction regardless of how what he chose to do with his.
Please stay and keep posting!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote: (( Someone advised me to take care of the addiction first and then the other issue.))
The only way you could end both his addiction to alcohol and his infidelity is with a bullet.
You have no power to stop his drinking, no-one but he can do that and this problem is best left to him.
As for his cheating with other women, well that depends on whether you can love him enough to forgive him.....or even want to try to.
You do not have to do a damn thing about "fixing" his addiction or adultery, in any order, at all.
I need to head for doctors now so wish you all the best,
God bless
The only way you could end both his addiction to alcohol and his infidelity is with a bullet.
You have no power to stop his drinking, no-one but he can do that and this problem is best left to him.
As for his cheating with other women, well that depends on whether you can love him enough to forgive him.....or even want to try to.
You do not have to do a damn thing about "fixing" his addiction or adultery, in any order, at all.
I need to head for doctors now so wish you all the best,
God bless
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"Well as it turned out he was only 15 minutes away from home. 2 hours later shows up home, cops take him to the hospital".
You did good. I sorta did this no cops but had a couple friends confront him. He went to the hospital that day. Then, shipped off to rehab.
It took me another year to realize - I did my part. I did what I could do. Then, it was easier to giver myself permission to let go with that knowledge.
You did good. I sorta did this no cops but had a couple friends confront him. He went to the hospital that day. Then, shipped off to rehab.
It took me another year to realize - I did my part. I did what I could do. Then, it was easier to giver myself permission to let go with that knowledge.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
As for his cheating with other women, well that depends on whether you can love him enough to forgive him.....or even want to try to.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to forget the cheating in a way that I could trust my partner again. Some people can though. That choice is up to you.
I just really try to pay attention to my happyometer. Are you happy? Can you see being happy in the near future? If not, what can you do to get your happy back? You being happy might have a wonderful healing affect on your kids (and you).
Take care of YOU. I am so so sorry for what you're going through. You'll get through it though. You will.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 9
Oh boy - just reading that brought back all the feelings of when it happened to me. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
I stayed. Looking back - it was a mistake....for me.
I didn't trust him anymore - and funny thing that is when the accusations started flying at me - so he obviously didn't trust me anymore - which totally chapped my fanny! He cheated and I was the one who got treated like the cheater.
I didn't respect him anymore - and it was obvious that he already didn't respect me.
And 6 months later he was chasing someone else. This is just like raising children. You allow them to act poorly and they . . . act poorly. You enforce your boundaries and do not tolerate bad behavior - and they behave.
It was HELL. It turned into the most toxic relationship I have ever had. I got the "I want to kill myself" email - and rolled my eyes and ignored it. I learned after getting into the program - that is not the best choice (ooops). So I think you did well there, especially if he was pulling the kids into the insanity.
I don't have any advice. I stayed and it didn't work out well. It is now a deal breaker. In fact - there won't even be time for excuses and justifications. You cheated? Conversation over - there's the door. Thanks for putting my health/life at risk - not to mention all the other crap.
I took 15 months and buried myself in AA and Al-Anon. I really worked on myself, worked the steps - and it appears he has done the same. We are in a relationship again and the dynamics as far as I am concerned - inside myself - are COMPLETELY different. Doesn't matter anymore what he will and won't do. I have no expectations but I know what I will and won't tolerate anymore. I work my program daily and keep my side of the street clean.
I wish I could give you a big hug. I know exactly how badly you are hurting, your stomach is in knots - actually worse - and your brain is on overdrive going a million different directions. You want him to hug you at the same time you would gladly cut his heart out. One day at a time. Focus on YOU and what is best for YOU and your children. Whatever you decide, we have your back.
SeekingBalance
I stayed. Looking back - it was a mistake....for me.
I didn't trust him anymore - and funny thing that is when the accusations started flying at me - so he obviously didn't trust me anymore - which totally chapped my fanny! He cheated and I was the one who got treated like the cheater.
I didn't respect him anymore - and it was obvious that he already didn't respect me.
And 6 months later he was chasing someone else. This is just like raising children. You allow them to act poorly and they . . . act poorly. You enforce your boundaries and do not tolerate bad behavior - and they behave.
It was HELL. It turned into the most toxic relationship I have ever had. I got the "I want to kill myself" email - and rolled my eyes and ignored it. I learned after getting into the program - that is not the best choice (ooops). So I think you did well there, especially if he was pulling the kids into the insanity.
I don't have any advice. I stayed and it didn't work out well. It is now a deal breaker. In fact - there won't even be time for excuses and justifications. You cheated? Conversation over - there's the door. Thanks for putting my health/life at risk - not to mention all the other crap.
I took 15 months and buried myself in AA and Al-Anon. I really worked on myself, worked the steps - and it appears he has done the same. We are in a relationship again and the dynamics as far as I am concerned - inside myself - are COMPLETELY different. Doesn't matter anymore what he will and won't do. I have no expectations but I know what I will and won't tolerate anymore. I work my program daily and keep my side of the street clean.
I wish I could give you a big hug. I know exactly how badly you are hurting, your stomach is in knots - actually worse - and your brain is on overdrive going a million different directions. You want him to hug you at the same time you would gladly cut his heart out. One day at a time. Focus on YOU and what is best for YOU and your children. Whatever you decide, we have your back.
SeekingBalance
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I remember the pain of having my suspicions about the OW confirmed. For me, that was the dealbreaker. It killed all hope I had of us staying together and actually became a blessing in disguise for me. But at the time I just couldn't see past the pain.
You are worth so much more than this. You deserve a better life. If this has been going on for a while, you may have to think about being tested for STDs. Horrible to deal with, I know. My heart goes out to you.
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