Summerpeach

How many times did you leave your relationship before you finally left it for good?
And what was the moment you said "I'm done" and left for the last time?

GiveLove

I left at least three times. The last time was when I met a friend who was in a good, healthy, happy relationship that made her feel strong and alive. She had a partner who added to her life's joys without requiring any suffering....they communicated without fighting, there was no damage control, they were each strong independent smiling people. All of a sudden, I wanted that so badly. The jealousy was almost unbearable.

I suddenly felt like I couldn't take the chance that such a thing might be passing me by because my fear was keeping me stuck in a relationship I knew was "none of the above." I knew -- all of a sudden, it seemed -- that there WAS something better waiting out there for me, but I was risking losing it by staying where I was.

And even if there wasn't, still, being happily independent sounded better than all the energy I was pouring into that damaged relationship.

Summerpeach

I need to be honest and vulnerable right now, I just cried all the way home from work thinking of this as well (what I bolded).

The person I'm with goes out of his way to make me feel less than.

Did you find this person Givelove?

Thumper

I didn't. It was just the one time. I had told him on two previous occasions that his drinking (and the related fall out) was a problem and that I would not live with it. I asked for counseling. I never threatened to leave exactly. We never seperated or anything like that. The third time I didn't have the talk, I filed for divorce, and now we are.

cymbal

Too many times to count!

Sometimes I left for days, months, and even two years last time.

I also left for several hours or overnight to escape behavior.

starrynite

I left more times than I care to admit and threatened even more than that. It was over when I was done. I'd hit my bottom, pulled myself out and realized what a precarious spot I still occupied...how easy it would be to fall right back down again. And I wasn't sure I had it in me to do it again. I left when it was time to save myself - when the pain of staying was so much more than the pain of leaving. I had to choose between saving him and saving me. I chose me.

Summer, you are worth being with someone who makes you feel more than not less than. And yes, they do exist. Hugs.

MsPINKAcres

a billion times a billion and maybe then a few more -

sometimes physically, always mentally, emotionally -

after 16 plus yrs of doing that song and dance - 6 months before I physically moved out, i sat down and told him - I know you have heard this over and over again and YOU have no reason to believe me. But this time I really mean it - I'm done, this is the last time I do this again.

He didn't believe me and I don't blame it - why should he have?

But I truly meant it.

So he stayed sober for about his normal 4-6 wks -
when he started using again - i started my plan.

Then one day in November about 3 days before we were going to have one of our granddaughters bday parties at our house I found a pill on the floor - the floor where a grandbaby would be crawling around in a few days -
I said to myself "Oh my God, this is too dangerous for these kids to be here - they should be exposed to this danger"
I heard within myself my God telling - "You don't have to live this way either, it's time"
I rented a house the next week and spent the 1st nite there Thanksgiving nite 2008.

I'm free - Happy, Joyous and Free.

I stayed as long as I was suppose to stay, went back as many times as I was suppose to - I know in my heart I did everything - there was and is nothing more.

I'm Pinkfully Free!

I have total peace.

I pray that you will have that peace some day too
HUGS to you,
Rita

Summerpeach

Did you ever leave for good?

I did the whole leaving for weeks at a time as well. Never stuck because he's in recovery and there was also some light.

Summerpeach

Starry, That is my problem, He works his recovery, Tries really hard and there are many good times, Then he falls into his sick addict ways and I lose all hope.
He's not using, he's active in recovery and tries, I'm just not sure I can stick around until he becomes "whole"

I'm encourage to just detach from his behaviour and am told recovery takes time. But on days like today, when he acts in order for me to react (I didn't react by the way), I want to run FAR away!

Emeraldstorm

So true

Summerpeach

thanks for sharing Rita. I live alone in my own home, so have some peace.

I'm glad you found the strength to leave. My situation has not come to that severity but I know, I am fed up

Jadmack25

I only made the 1 threat to leave my late XAH, and to his surprise, walked out the door and never went back.

With RABF, I have threatened many times, but not followed thru.
I actually moved out into my own flat 3 times, but for 1 reason or another, usually he was sober and needed my help and support....Bugle Call to Action for co-deps...I let him join me, only to find that was another mistake.

Last time I moved, I was determined that he was never moving in with me again, and he never did.

Last time he sobered up he did it alone, first time without me there, and when he was completely sober I let him know that if he picks up so much as a drop of alcohol, he is a dead man for me. I will stay NC, tho it will be a bit hard as we are in the same pensioner complex, and either would be mad to leave.

It doesn't matter whether it is on the first threat or if it has taken hundreds, before you finally take action and leave....what matters is that when the time is right FOR YOU, you will recognise it and then go for it.

God bless

stella27

I guess twice? In quick succession.
He left us (me and 3 children one week into a 2 week vacation) and instructed me to follow. I didn't. We went on to Disney World as planned. When I came home, I was ready to be done, and he had semi-moved out as I had requested.

But our marriage counselor recommended living together while we tried to reconcile.
H was showing significant remorse, and I let him move back in.

5 days later he went out, got drunk, and missed our child's surgery scheduled early the next morning. In addition to missing child #1's surgery, he slept in (remained passed out) while #2 and #3 were up and padding around the kitchen getting ready for school and had to be awakened to take them to school.

Once I realized that I was creating an environment in which my little children had to fend for themselves because daddy only cared about getting drunk, I was through. Done. Finito.

I still had moments of wondering whether I had been fair - whether I had thoroughly explained my boundaries to him or communicated clearly that I was on the verge of walking out or wondering if I should have given him one more chance, but I knew that *I* was the only thing standing between my kids and utter chaos and irresponsibility, and that prompted me to stand firm.

cymbal

I left several times for months.

I kicked him out too this last time.

He's sober.

I think that your focus needs to be on you and your recovery though.

You're not alone. My RA doesn't meet my "expectations" as far as his recovery goes, but that is totally his side of the street. I have my side of the street to try to keep tidy.

GiveLove

Oh hon, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to live like this.

And to answer your question? I didn't find him - he found me. And as a matter of fact, SEVERAL of him found me at the same time. It was a little eerie.

In doing so much recovery work (Al-Anon, counseling, journaling, etc.) had somehow changed the whole vibe I was putting out from "I am so incomplete/please make my life okay again" to "I am a happy, healthy, strong, self-contained person and you would be SO fortunate to have me in your life" LOL

The friends I've made since that decision, and the experiences I've had, make the time before look like....gosh....I have no words. I would never, ever go back to that, ever.

I think I had been trained my whole life that "it didn't matter if you liked him, as long as you loved him." It took me forever to realize what b.s. that was. I tolerated so much before finally putting myself first.

But I was so scared at first. And it took me so long to break away.
I understand.

IamSaved

Peaches...

One and done.

Although, I did THREATEN many times...Either get help or I'm leaving you. NYE 2009 was my rock bottom. I knew I couldn't live my life this way one more minute.

I walked away from him, and I try not to look back. The waves of panic, guilt and sadness do SWWWOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHH over me every now and then, but for the most part, I am at PEACE! I realized that the chaos, sadness, longing, heartache and just plain aggravation of everyday living with an addict was NOT the life I wanted forever!

So, now I am living a very boring life. It's quiet, it's peaceful, and it's mine.

Peace and hugs to you my friend! Spring is in the air..and a woman's heart should turn to thoughts of love! REAL love with a real man who is worthy of OUR LOVE! Not someone who is poisoned and sick and messed up and turns our life upside down because of their addiction. Working his program or not, he makes you feel worthless. And honeygirl, YOU are anything BUT!

:ghug3

Kassie2

Interesting post. I ran a similar one last month. I asked husband to leave twice b/c he refused to stop drinking. The first time I thought it was done but obviously not. The second time I wasn't done just wanted to see if he could figure out sobriety for the long haul w/o the stress of the rel. He did, but we are still apart and NC since Dec b/c I want him to figure out how much he wants to be with me.

I stay b/c I care, and I understand recovery takes time. I also understand my own recovery takes time which has a lot to do with still being separated. The issue of whether to stay or leave permanently is being decided. I am not certain how I will make this decision. I think everyone around me thinks I am crazy - but I really think they just want me to be happy. Now that I am better, they don't pressure me so much about getting D. As one friend finally acknowledged - I am not ready. Could be tommorrow.

KeepPedaling

3 times. I left the 3rd time. He lied. He said some mean stuff that I'll never forget. He drank again. I'm done.

LaTeeDa

Threatened to hundreds (thousands?) of times. When I finally kicked him out of the house, I gave myself six months to decide if I wanted a divorce. He quit drinking, we tried to reconcile, without moving back in together. Didn't want to make it hard(er) on the children if it didn't work out. It didn't.

L

cinderellawkids

I tried to count. Kicked him out 6 to 10 times, not counting months and months on different occassions seperated with jail and rehab.
The last time we were together it lasted 5 days, I left for a week until I finally filed a restraining order. I followed through with a permanent one so I couldnt know what he was doing, see the good days, let him back.
(the time before last that we tried and seperated only lasted 5 or 6 weeks after a 2 month jail stay).

I hope I never ever let him back and more so I hope I dont eat my words, my children are more important, I am more important.