sunnygirl68

HI,

As you know I have a x? RAH, who does not live with me. I dont know how to define our relationship anymore. We do see one another on a weekly basis due to our son's sports and actually go out on "dates" together too.

The thing that is on my mind is this...Last Sunday night my 22yo son and I had a little fight...more or less I got tired of him being critical with me and I just said If it is so bad, why are you here? He is a full time student and is gainfully employed at a full time job. I do not charge him any rent because he is in school. He does pay his car payment, car insurance and cell phone bill and has done that for the past 4 years. He is a good kid for the most part but he also can be VERY ugly to me and my younger son. I would call him "selfish" more than anything else.

After I said "why are u here", he said "Oh you want me to leave?" I'll be out of here by this weekend...I replied with I" dont give a flying F, what you do"
Of course then he stormed out and went to his girlfriend's house.

I emailed him and told him that I loved him and would love him no matter what and that if he felt he had to do this I understood and when he was ready to talk I'd be here.

He emailed back and apologized, but also said that he was resentful towards me for having a relationship with the XRAH, that he was afraid he was going to hurt me and my younger son again. The X is not his bio father but raised him from the time he was 7 and was VERY involved in his life and for the most part was a great father (when sober), and the only father he has ever known as his own ran out on him after he re-married when he was 5!

I guess I feel bad today because on the one hand, I do understand his fears but on the other hand, I'm getting more support and love now from the XRAH than I have in years. He buys my groceries, gives me more money than any child support office would award, fixes stuff around the house and pretty much doesnt ask for much except for my companionship. The only thing he wants more than anything is his family back.
I tell him that I'm not ready for full on committment and a re-start of the relationship, I was burned pretty badly the last go round and I refuse to entertain the idea right now.

My son asked if he could come back and I told him sure, I didnt intend for him to leave, but I also told him that the resentment that he has is really for the XRAH, he needed to tell him exactly how he felt and release that pain and anger...was that the correct thing to advise?? He has felt abandoned by his dad because of the multiple prison stints and the absence of the dad he all but worshipped at one time.
I know my son is mad and hurt and in some ways is still the little boy that got his heart broke all those years ago. I have always felt like I HAD to say how I felt and get it off my chest instead of holding it inside.
Also, I've tried to get my son into counseling before because of this anger but he has refused....what do y'all think?

I guess I needed to just vent a little bit.

Suspicious

(((sunnygirl)))

i can really empathize with you on this. i have a 17 yr old who can also be selfish as well as lazy. my biggest peeve with him is that he just isnt motivated to go get a job to have some spending money in his pocket. my ah who is also the step dad of this son is really disappointed in him because of this. even with ah's addictions he has the strongest work ethic of anyone i have ever met. for a while now the relationship between them had been going downhill and while just the act of him being a teenager is enough stress i know that my son had withdrawn from ah because of his increasing crankiness. crankiness that i think was brought on by the pills. added to that son now knows of my fears about ah's pill use. the one thing i can say about this son is that i dont think he will ever be an addict because he has such a low opinion of his peers who smoke pot, drink or whatever. he thinks they are losers. now he sees the person who has been his dad since he was 8 as one of these losers. boils down to he doesnt respect him. i have also been feeling that a lot of mine and sons problem is that he doesnt respect me for still being here.

no real advice just sharing that are not alone in this situation. hope it all works out for both of us.

sunnygirl68

Thanks for your reply, I do think that is a similar situation regarding the disrespect. I know he views me as weak for all the years I tried to hold the family together amid the destruction of the addiction. My kids never went without either, I did keep us above water and they even had "extras" along the way. There is no doubt that they know it was me who sacraficed for them, but I guess that does not outweigh the fact that I do have compassion for him and always try to HOPE that the nightmare was over the last relapse!

My RAH also always maintained a great work ethic, even when high on whatever he was using at the time, if he ever got laid off, he never collected unemployment, he would find another job within 3 days! I can say my son does work and actually is very good with his money too, but you can best believe his room reeks of dirty clothes because he washes them only when he finally runs out (this can take up to 3 weeks and then lives out of the laundry basket instead of putting them away!!) , along with cups and plates of whatever he brought into his room! I got tired of fighting with him about it, so I just shut his door!

I second the motion that it will work out for us too!

Chino

I started typing a big old long story but I'll spare you all the pain... my boundaries eventually involved all my relationships. Even the one with my cat lol!

StillLearning1

Oh boy.. this is one of those situations.
Like many with addicts, they seem to never be win-wins..

My son is 18. I think as he became a man, he understood men better than I did! That includes his father. He is the first one to tell me, "no mom!! That guy is NOT just being nice.. he does NOT just want to be your friend."

So.. your son sounds like a pretty responsible kid. Also that he cares about you alot. Is your husband sober and in recovery? (you don't have to answer that)
But is your son just worried about you and his little brother? Maybe ask him why he is feeling this way? Anything changed?

Lastly.. and this is hard to put into words. What I am just working on myself. I believe our kids learn from us, by our actions, what we rolemodel for them. I do not want my son's to become EITHER their father or ME their mother. I want more for them, their spouses and children!

I can't change others.. specifically their father. I have made many mistakes in the past. I tell them it directly.. boys if you think you can grow-up and marry a woman who will do what I did.. I think you will have some problems!!

sunnygirl68

StillLearning: Yes, the husband is clean and sober and in recovery and really doing well. Prior to the arguement we had, he they had been working on rebuilding their relationship. I found out last night that my son had talked to a well-meaning friend who put the "resentment" idea in his head and he is running with it now. SO, all that rebuilding he and his dad had done is down the drain. I am not trying to fix it either, I just told the XRAH that it wasn't my business and they were both adults and I wasnt getting involved.

The younger son is a totally different person, super forgiving and compassionate, more like me (UGH), however for the first time ever he told his dad..."Dad I love you but this is IT for me", "If this happens again, I wont even speak to you", so he has set his boundaries as well as I have for the "If it happens again"....

Thanks for your response, It means alot to me to know I'm not going this alone!