Funny how things work out... or don't..
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
Funny how things work out... or don't..
When I last wrote, I was hurting over the fact I had asked my RAH to leave after a wicked relapse in mid-January. He went to the sober living section of the rehab he went to twice until he could figure out what to do and where to live.
He called regularly to talk to me and our daughter, and he emailed as well. He was a complete mess but apologetic and determined to get well. Life went on. Things were peaceful.
We had booked a family vacation to Disneyland for my daughter's 6th birthday at the end of February. I did have a fleeting thought to cancel it - after all, my husband had spent thousands on drugs during that weekend relapse and we couldn't really afford it. But it was fleeting. I cancelled his flight, shortened the duration of the trip by a few days, and took my daughter myself. As tiring as it was single-parenting on a Disney trip for 5 nights, we had a great time. And it was much cheaper for just the two of us! I even did an extra character breakfast just because!
Before the trip, he had signed a consent letter for me to take her over the border and he was being cooperative. He ended up moving in with an old friend from recovery (sober over 2 years) while he still researched his options. He got on a waiting list for a recovery house.
We got back from the trip last... Tueday (the 2nd). Calls and emails before the trip has started to dwindle. On Wednesday, he wrote to say that he wanted to talk to me about 'finances, etc' in person and wanted to come over on Thursday to do so, as well as pick up some more stuff. I ended up having to work, so it was a no go. I had also been thinking that we should probably get a Separation Agreement done up to protect myself, so also wanted to talk about finances.
On the phone on Friday (SO THANKFUL it was on the phone and not in person), he tells me this: our marriage isn't going to work, he doesn't want to die, he has to focus on recovery 100%, this is his life, he's met someone else (though nothing has happened, she's just a friend, in their 'group' blah blah blah), that I'm a wonderful person and he loves me and he loves our daughter but he has to do this. That if he ever does get in a relationship again, it would have to be with someone in the program. That he's done a month of intensive therapy and he married me for the wrong reasons (I suppose stayed with me for 16 years for the same reason) and had abandonment issues and... well, you get the picture.
He says this while occasionally sobbing. I broke down a couple times to because, wow, what a bomb to drop. When he said I was an amazing person, I said "I know that!".
I kept my cool, tho. I think I was in shock. I mean, yes, we were separated but I was waiting to see what happened - not making any major decisions, etc. Probably would have ended up here anyways, but for him to make such a drastic decision (divorce) so early after the relapse, to have met someone (if nothing was going on, why feel the need to tell me, exactly?), to say that he could only ever be in a relationship with an addict (he did always say he wished I was so that I could really 'understand' him), well... quack quack.
So yeah. In total shock and cried a lot after that. His sister and stepmom came over after my daughter went to bed and spent some time with me, which was awesome. I've been running through the gamut of emotions and even took a few days off this week for stress leave, but each day is getting easier. I'm controlling what I can, and my first task is getting that Agreement on paper and NOW. Er, well soon. I do all the finances so I know where everything is and where we stand. He said I could have everything (another reason to get this done quickly - the guilt factor may come in handy). Sunday, I sent him an email and asked him to take my name off his two credit cards and to open his own bank account (he's been spending money like crazy and I felt sick every time I saw the balance go down). He said he would do it Monday.
Nope. So yesterday, I wrote again and made a suggestion that he cash in one of his non-performing RRSPs (it was his idea to cash one in at some point, as he's currently trying to get on Long-Term Disability but is having a tough time with it and we haven't had an income from him since the end of Jan - that's a $5K drop/month in our income - eep). I figured everything out financially Monday night so told him the monthly amount I needed to pay the bills and survive until I get the house sold. So yesterday afternoon, he cashed it in, left the amount I needed in the joint account, and transferred the rest into his new account. It was a relief and a start. I hope he remains that easygoing.
So I am a leeetle overwhelmed at the massive amount of things I have to do - get an agreement in writing, get the house ready to sell, sell it, sell off some of the stuff I can't take to an apartment/townhouse, find new school, new daycare (chances are, we'll be moving closer to family instead of our current location which is 30 minutes away from family) and all that fun stuff. Easy for him to say that he'll do whatever I want - I have to do all the work! But at least I'm in control of it that way and can just get it done. Family has offered to help wherever they can as well.
He also wrote and told me that he's sorry and he hopes I understand and that he can keep me updated as to how he's doing, if I care. That he read something that 'only one thing has to change in your life, and that's everything' so that's what he's doing. He asked if he could call and talk to our daughter because he misses her so much.
I wrote him back and told him that he absolutely can call and email her, but only if he's going to do it on a regular basis. It's confusing when contact is sporadic. She still thinks he's coming home some day and I haven't been able to really break it to her yet. She misses him on occasion, even cries a little, but I think she'll be okay. I said that of course I care, that we have a history together, that I may not agree with all of his choices but they're his to make and I have my own to focus on. That I pray for him every night. I also told him that I hope he meant what he said about helping in any way he can, because I'm going to need it so that this can be resolved quickly and fairly. He hasn't called to talk to her since last Friday, nor has he emailed her. Suppose he's not ready to commit to the 'regular' thing yet.
So. This is all for the best, I know. I've held on, supported him, stood by him through thick and thin. I couldn't do it this time. And now the universe is telling me to move on. I've done my time and can leave without regret or guilt. I'm excited about getting my own little place and starting fresh. Things are going to be difficult during this transitional phase, but it will get easier. This too, shall pass. It's been a rough road these past 10 years, maybe even from the beginning when I really think about all the signs that I chose to ignore. But I was meant to go through this so I don't regret not leaving earlier. I had a lesson to learn. I think I learned it!
I don't even care about this other woman because I know how sick he is. They can have each other. He's been unfaithful in the past when he was in the thick of his alcoholism and I turned the other cheek and let it go. Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but I was trying to make the best of a baaad situation. It's all getting a LOT clearer now.
I pray that my daughter gets through this with minimal scarring. I am thankful that she is still young. I have no control over the fact that he chose to move hours away and will rarely (if ever) get around to seeing her any time in the near future, so I just console her as best I can and keep lots of family and friends around - a healthy environment.
Things always happen for a reason and although my journey has changed course, it will be towards better things. Doors close, other doors open. I am grateful for all that I have and all the friends and family that have embraced me to help me through this and I'm thankful that I am now able to actually ask for help without feeling guilty!
Don't even know if this story will help anyone, but it's here now - thanks for letting me purge. Hoping for peace and serenity for all of you.
He called regularly to talk to me and our daughter, and he emailed as well. He was a complete mess but apologetic and determined to get well. Life went on. Things were peaceful.
We had booked a family vacation to Disneyland for my daughter's 6th birthday at the end of February. I did have a fleeting thought to cancel it - after all, my husband had spent thousands on drugs during that weekend relapse and we couldn't really afford it. But it was fleeting. I cancelled his flight, shortened the duration of the trip by a few days, and took my daughter myself. As tiring as it was single-parenting on a Disney trip for 5 nights, we had a great time. And it was much cheaper for just the two of us! I even did an extra character breakfast just because!
Before the trip, he had signed a consent letter for me to take her over the border and he was being cooperative. He ended up moving in with an old friend from recovery (sober over 2 years) while he still researched his options. He got on a waiting list for a recovery house.
We got back from the trip last... Tueday (the 2nd). Calls and emails before the trip has started to dwindle. On Wednesday, he wrote to say that he wanted to talk to me about 'finances, etc' in person and wanted to come over on Thursday to do so, as well as pick up some more stuff. I ended up having to work, so it was a no go. I had also been thinking that we should probably get a Separation Agreement done up to protect myself, so also wanted to talk about finances.
On the phone on Friday (SO THANKFUL it was on the phone and not in person), he tells me this: our marriage isn't going to work, he doesn't want to die, he has to focus on recovery 100%, this is his life, he's met someone else (though nothing has happened, she's just a friend, in their 'group' blah blah blah), that I'm a wonderful person and he loves me and he loves our daughter but he has to do this. That if he ever does get in a relationship again, it would have to be with someone in the program. That he's done a month of intensive therapy and he married me for the wrong reasons (I suppose stayed with me for 16 years for the same reason) and had abandonment issues and... well, you get the picture.
He says this while occasionally sobbing. I broke down a couple times to because, wow, what a bomb to drop. When he said I was an amazing person, I said "I know that!".
I kept my cool, tho. I think I was in shock. I mean, yes, we were separated but I was waiting to see what happened - not making any major decisions, etc. Probably would have ended up here anyways, but for him to make such a drastic decision (divorce) so early after the relapse, to have met someone (if nothing was going on, why feel the need to tell me, exactly?), to say that he could only ever be in a relationship with an addict (he did always say he wished I was so that I could really 'understand' him), well... quack quack.
So yeah. In total shock and cried a lot after that. His sister and stepmom came over after my daughter went to bed and spent some time with me, which was awesome. I've been running through the gamut of emotions and even took a few days off this week for stress leave, but each day is getting easier. I'm controlling what I can, and my first task is getting that Agreement on paper and NOW. Er, well soon. I do all the finances so I know where everything is and where we stand. He said I could have everything (another reason to get this done quickly - the guilt factor may come in handy). Sunday, I sent him an email and asked him to take my name off his two credit cards and to open his own bank account (he's been spending money like crazy and I felt sick every time I saw the balance go down). He said he would do it Monday.
Nope. So yesterday, I wrote again and made a suggestion that he cash in one of his non-performing RRSPs (it was his idea to cash one in at some point, as he's currently trying to get on Long-Term Disability but is having a tough time with it and we haven't had an income from him since the end of Jan - that's a $5K drop/month in our income - eep). I figured everything out financially Monday night so told him the monthly amount I needed to pay the bills and survive until I get the house sold. So yesterday afternoon, he cashed it in, left the amount I needed in the joint account, and transferred the rest into his new account. It was a relief and a start. I hope he remains that easygoing.
So I am a leeetle overwhelmed at the massive amount of things I have to do - get an agreement in writing, get the house ready to sell, sell it, sell off some of the stuff I can't take to an apartment/townhouse, find new school, new daycare (chances are, we'll be moving closer to family instead of our current location which is 30 minutes away from family) and all that fun stuff. Easy for him to say that he'll do whatever I want - I have to do all the work! But at least I'm in control of it that way and can just get it done. Family has offered to help wherever they can as well.
He also wrote and told me that he's sorry and he hopes I understand and that he can keep me updated as to how he's doing, if I care. That he read something that 'only one thing has to change in your life, and that's everything' so that's what he's doing. He asked if he could call and talk to our daughter because he misses her so much.
I wrote him back and told him that he absolutely can call and email her, but only if he's going to do it on a regular basis. It's confusing when contact is sporadic. She still thinks he's coming home some day and I haven't been able to really break it to her yet. She misses him on occasion, even cries a little, but I think she'll be okay. I said that of course I care, that we have a history together, that I may not agree with all of his choices but they're his to make and I have my own to focus on. That I pray for him every night. I also told him that I hope he meant what he said about helping in any way he can, because I'm going to need it so that this can be resolved quickly and fairly. He hasn't called to talk to her since last Friday, nor has he emailed her. Suppose he's not ready to commit to the 'regular' thing yet.
So. This is all for the best, I know. I've held on, supported him, stood by him through thick and thin. I couldn't do it this time. And now the universe is telling me to move on. I've done my time and can leave without regret or guilt. I'm excited about getting my own little place and starting fresh. Things are going to be difficult during this transitional phase, but it will get easier. This too, shall pass. It's been a rough road these past 10 years, maybe even from the beginning when I really think about all the signs that I chose to ignore. But I was meant to go through this so I don't regret not leaving earlier. I had a lesson to learn. I think I learned it!
I don't even care about this other woman because I know how sick he is. They can have each other. He's been unfaithful in the past when he was in the thick of his alcoholism and I turned the other cheek and let it go. Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but I was trying to make the best of a baaad situation. It's all getting a LOT clearer now.
I pray that my daughter gets through this with minimal scarring. I am thankful that she is still young. I have no control over the fact that he chose to move hours away and will rarely (if ever) get around to seeing her any time in the near future, so I just console her as best I can and keep lots of family and friends around - a healthy environment.
Things always happen for a reason and although my journey has changed course, it will be towards better things. Doors close, other doors open. I am grateful for all that I have and all the friends and family that have embraced me to help me through this and I'm thankful that I am now able to actually ask for help without feeling guilty!
Don't even know if this story will help anyone, but it's here now - thanks for letting me purge. Hoping for peace and serenity for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Well grrl.....GOODONYA!!!
There really is nothing more I can say at this time.....one thing did raise the hairs on the back of my neck a bit.....: "...yesterday afternoon...left the amount I needed in the joint account, and transferred the rest into his new account. It was a relief and a start..."
One teeny suggestion....? You might want to open your own personal account and transfer the money out of y'all's joint account into that one.....just in case he finds himself a tad bit short.....eh?
Other than that..............you go grrl!!!!!
NoelleR
There really is nothing more I can say at this time.....one thing did raise the hairs on the back of my neck a bit.....: "...yesterday afternoon...left the amount I needed in the joint account, and transferred the rest into his new account. It was a relief and a start..."
One teeny suggestion....? You might want to open your own personal account and transfer the money out of y'all's joint account into that one.....just in case he finds himself a tad bit short.....eh?
Other than that..............you go grrl!!!!!
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear Rock.....really your story leaves me breathless, mainly at how you have taken your AH's behavior and instead of screaming murder, have gone about setting out on your new life.
I would also agree that a new bank account, in your name be opened ASAP...as AH may be sober and easy-going now, BUT....as we often learn....that can change in the blink of an eye. You are wise to get as much arranged with him while he is in this state.
I hope to post more, as you let us all know how you and your daughter are going, and what the future holds for you.
God bless
I would also agree that a new bank account, in your name be opened ASAP...as AH may be sober and easy-going now, BUT....as we often learn....that can change in the blink of an eye. You are wise to get as much arranged with him while he is in this state.
I hope to post more, as you let us all know how you and your daughter are going, and what the future holds for you.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
So. This is all for the best, I know. I've held on, supported him, stood by him through thick and thin. I couldn't do it this time. And now the universe is telling me to move on. I've done my time and can leave without regret or guilt. I'm excited about getting my own little place and starting fresh. Things are going to be difficult during this transitional phase, but it will get easier. This too, shall pass. It's been a rough road these past 10 years, maybe even from the beginning when I really think about all the signs that I chose to ignore. But I was meant to go through this so I don't regret not leaving earlier. I had a lesson to learn. I think I learned it!
As for transition being difficult... you bet... but it's a lot easier without a 200# baby screaming
and tugging at ya. Good for YOU!
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