Elsie

Ok...so AXBF is doing REALLY well. He's on day 23 (sober), been going to meetings, reading books about the 12 steps etc.
I saw him during our son's pick up/drop off and he looked great!

He told me tonight that the AA meetings aren't really working for him. He said they are depressing and that all the other people that go look like they're still drinking. I'm concerned for him, that he's not going to continue to go. I'm not laying awake or dwelling on it, it's just in the back of my mind, ya know?
I mean, those people, those meetings are his SUPPORT system!
He told me that the meetings aren't what made him decide to stay sober, it was the books that he found solace in.

What do you think? I'm not sure what to think about it all! I thought the meetings were imperative to a newly recovering alcoholic. Oh and he told me as well, that he has no Sponsor. He said that the sponsors seem to be needed by the truly lost souls, who are way worse off than he was.

Impurrfect

((Elsie)) - in all honesty...it's HIS recovery, sweetie....hands off.

I'm an RA. I went to meetings a long, long time ago, I don't go now. I still used what I learned, but I DO work darned hard at my recovery. If you were to ask me what my "program" is, I can't really explain it, but it works - I just celebrated 3 years yesterday.

I'm also a recovering codie and that is a HUGE part of my recovery. I'm living in a situation where I have to constantly remind myself that I need to stay in MY hula hoop and let others have the dignity to live their own life, make mistakes if that's part of their path, and learn their lessons.

Plain and simple. He can get recovery if he wants it. YOU can get recovery if you want it. As long as you're focusing on whether he's "doing it right", you're not focusing on you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

suki44883

Not sure if he's just fooling himself or trying to fool you. If he doesn't like one meeting, there are lots of others around he can try. And really, he's not going to get anything much out of AA if he doesn't get a sponsor and work the steps. It's not the meetings that change people, it's working the steps.

Glad to know you're not lying awake worrying about it. He's going to do whatever he's going to do, but don't let him fool you into thinking he's doing all he could be doing.

coffeedrinker

Gut reaction: it's a red flag.

It is SO common for them to believe that they're different from the other ones - his comment about the lost souls (the really bad ones, those not like me) seems to affirm this.


Second reaction: he does not need to do the meetings/a.a./steps. it's not for everyone, but it is what has worked for millions of people. i has the best track record, but it's not the only way to get or stay sober. he may find that his make-up just doesn't gel with a lot of this stuff.

Third reaction: you are holding your breath. you're waiting for him to either succeed, or fail. you look for every little sign you come across, to confirm your hopes, or your worst fears, to put your suspicions to rest, or for them to play themselves out.

If this were a numbers game, the odds are not in his favor, imo. But, as Imperrfect has said about her own sobriety, it's not the be-all, end-all.

Bottom line: it takes time. You have to live in fear, with angst, or somehow learn to let go of the need to know.

Hard to do, but necessary.

Pelican

What do I think?

My recovery does not look like my exhusband's. Does that make his recovery wrong or less committed than mine? no. It means we are both keeping our side of the street clean.

I also think that your AXBF's liver thinks he is simply on vacation from alcohol (23 days). He hasn't been sober long enough for any of his organs to begin recovering from alcohol.

Patience. More will be revealed.

ItsmeAlice

Plenty of people have sought recovery and have been sucessfull in it without meetings, that said I strongly believe that support outside oneself is imperative in whatever form that takes. Religous guidance, therapy, online support, etc. Going it alone does lack some accountability.

I am not a face to face meeting kinda girl. I am a bit of recluse actually. I've tried to go, but I've been too scared. In my codependence recovery I have sought support online to compensate for that and it has worked for me.

I think it's okay to wonder about his decision, but like it's already been stay, it's his choice to make good or bad.

Alice

Kittyboo

In the case of my XA he said exactly the same thing ...."i'm not going to AA, THOSE people are so depressing. I'm not like THEM."
Word for word. In his case, it was just an excuse because he has no plans to quit drinking....atleast not any time soon.

That's the only personal experience I have had with this. I know it doesn't help you, sorry, but it really does surprise me how different many of them think they are from one another.

KeepPedaling

OMG. My xabf said EXACTLY the same thing. Exactly!!! Even the thing about the sponsors. Lets see...that was after he was sober for almost two years, and just after he stopped going to meetings, and right before he started drinking again.

megan09

Red flag!!!!! My XABF did the same, stopped going, and then picked up again. Hope this story ends differently. Hugs to you.

Whadahay

Anytime I step out of my comfort zone to do the next right thing, I get the opportunity to grow spiritually.

I was painfully shy in the meetings to begin with. It actually took me a few years before I felt comfortable saying anything. Now, BECAUSE of AA service work, working the steps, having a sponsor to bounce my "bright" ideas off of, you can't get me to shaddup! I have so much more confidence. I've done a 180.

This guy isn't giving the AA meetings a chance and I kinda doubt he's being honest. And, there are a lot of great meetings. If he wants it to work, he's gotta work it.

In the BB, it states: "half measures avail us nothing." I like to say, "Half-ASSED measures avail us nothing."

Jadmack25

Elsie, my RABF has been in many rehab programs in the past, some for up to 12 months at a stretch, and has been involved with AA. He refuses to go thru AA meetings, as any mention of him talking in a group setting sends him into breakdown, and he is unable to even whisper.

He does the readings, and follows counselling at D and A, but that is one on one and no group or meeting scene. He registered on SR some time back, but whether he posts on the other forums I do not know, as I have never asked. Not because I don't care, but simply because it is none of my business.

I handed him over to God, and I don't want "that him" back thanks very much.

God bless

Learn2Live

I think you are going to drive yourself crazy hanging on to his every word about his own Recovery, or lack thereof. I think you need to mind your own business (sorry that sounds harsh but it's how I talk to mySELF about these things).

Of course this one little time that you are worried but not obsessed about what he is doing is fine but that is the whole point, we are ALL addicted and obsessed in this disease. So, you get this one little fix, then you start talking to him about it again, and then you are back on the damn rollercoaster again.

Isn't he your EX? What are you doing talking to him then? Let Go and Let God. Get busy with YOU.

Carol Star

He sounds exactly like my X. He ain't done yet. The people in meetings don't look like they have been drinking. Are you reading Code No More with the group? I am getting alot out of it. My X was my drug/drink. Let go or be dragged. He is quacking at you.

Summerpeach

have a read of this wonderful thread. This may help you with some answers.

It may be his recovery, but I think it's great your asking questions.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...kers-make.html

stella27

I can sympathize, Elsie. ((hugs))
You want him well and recovering for his sake, for your baby's sake, and (whispering quietly) for your sake - because you love who you know he could be if he weren't drinking.

Mt stbxAH is just out of a 4-day hospitalization and (as usual!) his mom says "he seems fine". I don't believe her that he's fine, so I am wondering how long it will be before he gets drunk, high, or off his bipolar meds. In fact, yesterday I made a chart of his track record so that I can know what to expect.

Specifically, I want to know EXACTLY how many days will pass before he does something wrong to prove he is an unfit parent. Because I know it's coming.

What this thread just told me is that:
1. I am holding my breath waiting for him to screw up and prove me right.
2. While I do so, I am not living my life and enjoying my precious children.
3. I am not granting him the dignity to make his own choices and bear their consequences - I am so consumed with how they will affect ME.

So while I am pessimistic about his miraculous recovery, I am still living through him. I need to BREATHE and put the focus back on ME and MY recovery - and in doing so, my own wild and precious life.

Wow. Thank you for your post.

Insulated

Personally I make of it...he's in denial. the statements he makes are as though he's an exception to the disease. He's only on day 23. Most employers have a 90 day probationary period just to see if an employee can behave. And most can behave for 90 days. Nearly anyone can! 23 days isn't hardly the leverage your AXBF has earned him the right to downplay meetings and sponsors. Be glad he's your X!

cinderellawkids

Besides what thers said, about that being what theres have said just before picking up again. My second thought, is he's telling you because he's looking for a reaction from you, he wants you to say its ok.

Remember theres 30 day chips and 90 day chips for a reason and soooo many fall just short of that.

TakingCharge999

One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that àat least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.

The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:

Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.
Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one.

In treatment and rehabilitation centers this personal exceptionalism is commonly called "terminal uniqueness." The individual in the grip of this delusion is able to convince himself though not always others that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior, rules and norms that he himself concurs with when it comes to other people, do not fairly or fully fit himself at the present time and hence must be bent or stretched just sufficiently to make room for his special needs. In most cases this plea for accommodation is acknowledged to be a temporary one and accompanied by a pledge or plan to return to the conventional "rules of engagement" as soon as circumstances permit. This is the basic mindset of "IÇll quit tomorrow" and "If you had the problems I do youÇd drink and drug, too!"

The personal exceptionalism of the addict, along with his willingness to lie both by commission and omission in the protection and furtherance of his addiction, place a severe strain upon his relationships with others. It does not usually take those who are often around the addict long to conclude that he simply cannot be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction. He may swear that he is clean and sober and intends to stay that way when in fact he is under the influence or planning to become so at the first opportunity; he may minimize or conceal the amount of substance consumed; and he may make up all manner of excuses and alibis whose usually transparent purpose is to provide his addiction the room it requires to continue operating.



From:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

LaTeeDa

Great stuff, TC.

I just have to add that it's not only the addicts who suffer from "terminal uniqueness." I believed for a long time that my marriage was different, my AH was different, I was different, our circumstances were different, we weren't the same as other alcoholic/codependent couples..........

While it's true that we are all individuals, it's a form of denial to look for the exceptions in order to disregard the facts.

L

hps

a) The issue for me with reading books was that my brain was addicted. I needed someone else (or Higher Power) to be running my brain.
b) Most people in AA still drinking? That is a very odd statement (or else an odd meeting).
c) Sponsors are for people who are serious about sobriety. The program seems to work at all levels of alcohol problem, provided one is serious about the program.