Star Gazer

Sorry in advance for the long post! It just all started coming out!!

I used to be very active in my ACA recovery. I attended weekly meetings for probably 2 years and really did alot of good work that changed my life. I haven’t gone to a meeting in close to 2 years. I didn’t make a conscious decision to do this. I just found that other things were coming up on my meeting nights that I wanted to do. Fun things like go on a date or attend a Yoga class at my gym. I never didn’t go because I was avoiding something or had negative thoughts about the meetings.

Even though I was not active in my recovery, I always felt like I was aware of my ACA tendencies and worked hard not to digress. As recently as a few weeks ago, I realized that I did not care to get involved in a family matter, put it out of my head, and I felt no guilt. When I realized the freedom I felt, I cried tears of joy. I felt free of the pain and the guilt and all the things that come with being an adult child. I remember thinking, “This is what my brother must feel like!!” I did end up getting involved in a different family matter but I feel like it is okay. I don't enjoy it but I don't feel like it is hurting me. I hate having to help my recovering alcoholic mom like I am but she is still my mom and if I can use my talent to help her, I will. I trust she is sober, she recently celebrated her 11th year of sobriety. I trust her current problems are not from drinking or possible pain pill addictions.

Even though my realization of freedom was an awesome moment for me, it was just a moment. I have felt like I have slowly been sinking into depression over the past year. It is mostly related to my job. I am a workaholic so much of my self esteem is linked to how well I perform my job. I perform my job well but as a sales and marketing manager in this economy and my industry, I think that I could be performing at 150% of my potential and numbers would still come up short at the end of the day. It doesn’t help that I really do not know success in this position because I took over the sales management position as the downturn began. So, in my mind, part of me keeps saying, “things were great when you weren’t in charge.” I know this is not a realistic statement, but the feelings are there nonetheless.

Other parts of my life have been stable but I am afraid that this depression is creeping in and affecting those areas now. My boyfriend and I had our first real fight in almost 4 years. This is how the ACA question came up. I can’t seem to communicate with him and tell him how I feel. I am so afraid to tell him I love him. I am afraid he is going to bolt if I do, but now, after our blow up, I am afraid if I don’t tell him he will bolt, too! He thinks it is weird how I haven’t told him. Well, I think it is weird how he hasn’t told me! He claims to have told me he loves me in other ways besides the words. I have done the same! Maybe I didn’t come out and say, “This is how I say I love you,” like he did but I did stuff, too!!

I am just so afraid to let people close to me. I have no real close friends and it looks like I keep my boyfriend just far enough away that it makes him doubt I love him. I have told 3 other boyfriends I love them very easily. This leads me to believe that I really do deeply love my current boyfriend on a different level than the others and it is scaring me out of my mind. I have never, ever, been so afraid to let people in. I can’t even seem to let in my closest friends any more. These are 2 people I have known for over 10 years. I have never felt so alone. I feel like there are all these people around me willing to support me and love me but I push them away.

I just don’t know if these are ACA issues or depression. After the blow up with my boyfriend, I am looking at the past year and wondering if I was just fooling myself thinking I was okay. I feel good and feel bad at the same time. I just have no idea how to proceed, at all. I have never felt so stuck.

GingerM

Sounds like you feel as if you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. That is actually a very liberating situation to be in - there's no wrong answer! You already know the outcome. And if that's the case (that he'll bolt either way), why not be true to yourself, state how you feel and at least be able to respect yourself for not acting out of fear, but out of your own intentional desires? (I'm not saying that what you describe yourself as feeling is healthy, I'm only offering an idea for this very particular situation).

From where I sit, this sends up all kinds of red flags to me. It sounds like he wants you to play by a different set of rules than he does. Kind of like, oh, say, our parents had one set of rules for us, and a different set for themselves.

I have no advice for what to do about it, I really don't have enough information, but it is a big red flag to me.

Of course you are. The people you were most intimate with during your formative years (your parents) did not treat you kindly. Your brain/psyche most likely believes that if you let people get close to you, they will hurt you. It's as protective as ducking when someone swings a stick at your head.

If you want to learn to let people in, you first have to learn to unprogram that connection between love=hurt. It takes a lot of work to do that, and the work never really ends. We may have "slow days" where the old demons stay in their kennels and don't bother us much, but the old demons are always there. Our job is to keep them happy and in their kennels on a daily basis, which means looking out for ourselves, asking ourselves tough questions, seeking help when needed (in whatever form that takes) etc.

It sounds like ACoA issues causing depression to me, not the other way around. I hope you can find a meeting or a therapist or someone familiar with the ACA dynamics you can turn to. While we're a great bunch and very supportive, we don't have the answers - all we can do is tell what we see and provide you with some support that you're not losing your mind (which you're not!).

I wish you much luck.

dothi

Hi Star Gazer, welcome to the ACoA forum!

What kind of recovery work were you doing? Was it primarily focussed around attending meetings?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Star Gazer

I have felt like I have slowly been sinking into depression over the past year. It is mostly related to my job. I am a workaholic so much of my self esteem is linked to how well I perform my job.

I think GingerM has it right: this sounds like ACOA issues causing depression.

Children absolutely need stable home environments. The problem with growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home is that we had unpredictable parents who often needed us to take care of them (physically, emotionally, you name it). We didn't get the stability we needed to develop our confidence and find our place in the world.

When our unstable parents failed to protect us, we tried to provide that stability for them and ourselves. When we didn't know what to do, we responded in some predictable ways. Some ACOAs disconnected. Some ACOAs rebelled. And some ACOAs, like us, decided that if we didn't know what to do, we would work hard until we were "safe" again. Eventually things became safe again, and we figured that working hard was the best way to cope.

Unfortunately it is a short-term solution that doesn't work well for long-term problems, or especially as an adult.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Star Gazer

part of me keeps saying, “things were great when you weren’t in charge.” I know this is not a realistic statement, but the feelings are there nonetheless.

You've got a lot of old tapes still running in your head, reinforcing your ACOA tendencies. Even though you've worked hard at recovery, it doesn't feel like it because the old tapes are still there. You need to work on re-writing these thought patterns into more supportive ones. Otherwise you're just working yourself into a no-win situation where you'll never work hard enough to make the world a safe and successful place for yourself. Sorry, but despite what your parents taught you growing up, you do NOT actually have that much power. PLUS you did not get to learn how to cope with the things you can't realistically control.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Star Gazer

My boyfriend and I had our first real fight in almost 4 years.
I am so afraid to tell him I love him. I am afraid he is going to bolt if I do, but now, after our blow up, I am afraid if I don’t tell him he will bolt, too! He thinks it is weird how I haven’t told him. Well, I think it is weird how he hasn’t told me!

I agree with GingerM - this raises red flags for me too. IMHO it sounds like you are both struggling with abandonment. Normal relationships have fights, because there's no way two people are going to be able to agree on everything for the rest of their lives. Learning to hear your partner's doubts and take it in stride is an incredible strength to bring to a relationship. It sounds to me like you're both too afraid to bring uncomfortable topics up. Until you learn to communicate with each other bravely, compassionately, and honestly, you may find yourself in a cycle of constantly avoiding fights until a big blow up (the tension has to surface somewhere eventually). This will not work well for either of you in the long-term.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Star Gazer

After the blow up with my boyfriend, I am looking at the past year and wondering if I was just fooling myself thinking I was okay.

Careful, this is black&white thinking (characteristic of ACOAs). In reality we are never 100% good or 100% bad. You have been getting better, feeling good, taking up fun hobbies instead of sitting at Al-anon meetings... all the signs of progress! But it does sound like there's still some unfinished work that's holding you down.

Keep posting, Star Gazer. Traffic here is slow sometimes, but the replies tend to be very rich. As GingerM said, there may not be concrete answers, but we can definitely provide some feedback as to how well your ACOA barometer is tuned

cymbal

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I struggle with depression too.

I think sometimes my sadness is the continuing grief of the losses. As I make progress in my recovery, I often stumble into some new loss that I hadn't previously thought about. I think that it often surprises me how much of an impact the issues make in my today.
Only you can decide if this particular depression is deeper than usual.