Help - having a hard time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kenai, Alaska
Posts: 21
Help - having a hard time
Hi all, I was on this board a few years ago but as life went on an thing improved, fell out of the habit- Unfortuately.
History- Have been with addict husband for 8 years- was unaware of anything but pot use until about 1-2 years into relationship. We have 4 great kids together. He was in rehab a few years ago, came out, all was good. Recently, I knew he was lying and using again. We got into an arguemtn last week and I confronted him. He took off, with his check no less and went on a 5 day runner. Found out he has been doing heroin -use to be coke- and I have seperated from him. He is trying to get into rehab again but small town and limited recources.
I know this is what needs to happen but it's so hard holding it all together and knowing my kids and I will never be enough of a motivation for him to stop. I do love and him and don't want to give up but I'm so tired of being strong. Why should I have to accomodate him because he can't say no to drugs? I'm having the thought- Why bother supporting him when the love of me and my kids will never be enough. Am I just wasting my time, waiting for the next relapse to happen so I can be crushed again?
Can a 40 year old man even change or is it just a lost cause?
I know some of these thoughts are just frustration but at this point I need some help
If anyone has been through this with a spouse, I would welcome any advice/Support.
Thanks!
History- Have been with addict husband for 8 years- was unaware of anything but pot use until about 1-2 years into relationship. We have 4 great kids together. He was in rehab a few years ago, came out, all was good. Recently, I knew he was lying and using again. We got into an arguemtn last week and I confronted him. He took off, with his check no less and went on a 5 day runner. Found out he has been doing heroin -use to be coke- and I have seperated from him. He is trying to get into rehab again but small town and limited recources.
I know this is what needs to happen but it's so hard holding it all together and knowing my kids and I will never be enough of a motivation for him to stop. I do love and him and don't want to give up but I'm so tired of being strong. Why should I have to accomodate him because he can't say no to drugs? I'm having the thought- Why bother supporting him when the love of me and my kids will never be enough. Am I just wasting my time, waiting for the next relapse to happen so I can be crushed again?
Can a 40 year old man even change or is it just a lost cause?
I know some of these thoughts are just frustration but at this point I need some help
If anyone has been through this with a spouse, I would welcome any advice/Support.
Thanks!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
Okay, so...am I right that you are now living separately from him? You and your children? If that is the case, then you don't have to do anything. Just concentrate on yourself and the kids. He's going to do whatever he's going to do. It's called detachment and it's not the same as "giving up" on him. It's putting the needs of yourself and your children above his. It's not wasting time worrying about what he is doing or where he is going. Sure, you still care about him, but you realize that nothing you do will change anything. So, you put your energies where they will do some good, and that is on giving the best possible life you can to your children and yourself.
Edit to add: Also, have no expectations of him and you won't be crushed.
Edit to add: Also, have no expectations of him and you won't be crushed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Why should I have to accomodate him because he can't say no to drugs?
I'm having the thought- Why bother supporting him when the love of me and my kids will never be enough.
Am I just wasting my time, waiting for the next relapse to happen so I can be crushed again?
Keep coming here, keep growing and never doubt your choices
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
OK blaze. Welcome back. After eight years, it's time to put the focus on you and your children.
He is a grown man - 40 years old. He may OR he may not recover, turn over a new leaf and become a changed man....
However whether or not he does, you are going to have to take care of those wonderful children. Start working on that now.
He is going to do what he is going to do. And you can't fix him, change him or help him get better.
Take care of those babies. They are the future.
He is a grown man - 40 years old. He may OR he may not recover, turn over a new leaf and become a changed man....
However whether or not he does, you are going to have to take care of those wonderful children. Start working on that now.
He is going to do what he is going to do. And you can't fix him, change him or help him get better.
Take care of those babies. They are the future.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Blaze)) - sorry for what you and the kids are going through.
CAN he get clean and straighten up? Yes. WILL he? That's totally up to him.
I agree with the above..focus on you and the kids, and I'm telling you this not only from a codie point of view but from that of an RA. The best thing my family ever did was step back, detach, and let me face my consequences. Today, I am part of my family...if I were to pick back up tomorrow, they would walk away and I'd be left to my own devices.
I also walked away from my XABF because he had a long, long history of using and no real effort at any sort of recovery. I didn't want to live with someone who I couldn't trust for the rest of my life...that's me, but trust is a big thing.
We all do what we can, when we can, but you and your kids HAVE to come first and now is a very good time to start.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
CAN he get clean and straighten up? Yes. WILL he? That's totally up to him.
I agree with the above..focus on you and the kids, and I'm telling you this not only from a codie point of view but from that of an RA. The best thing my family ever did was step back, detach, and let me face my consequences. Today, I am part of my family...if I were to pick back up tomorrow, they would walk away and I'd be left to my own devices.
I also walked away from my XABF because he had a long, long history of using and no real effort at any sort of recovery. I didn't want to live with someone who I couldn't trust for the rest of my life...that's me, but trust is a big thing.
We all do what we can, when we can, but you and your kids HAVE to come first and now is a very good time to start.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
you don't have to support him. you have real children who need you.
you are still hoping, but don't let that hope get you hooked back in.
people do recover at 40, 50, and 60 years old. but that's not the point.
take care of yourself. he will either find sobriety, or not.
you are still hoping, but don't let that hope get you hooked back in.
people do recover at 40, 50, and 60 years old. but that's not the point.
take care of yourself. he will either find sobriety, or not.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
HI, welcome back. i'm a recovering addict and i agree with the others. my husband of 24yrsd is what brought me here but i soon found out that i was the only one i could help. i think you are doing good by wanting to just take care of you and your kids.
i'm 8yrs clean and it took for my family to walk away and allow me to suffer the consequences of my actions alone. it was then and only then that i hit my bottom allowing me the chance to see for myself just how out of control and destructive my life had become. that bottom drove me to getting serious about my recovery and remembering that bottom and how hard it was to pull myself up again, is what helps me to be determined to do whatever it takes for me to stay clean. today i'm grateful that my family walked away.
imo, as long as an addict have someone to supply their basic needs(food, shelter,???) then they only have to focus on how to get their drugs. so you see, by helping, we sometimes are helping them to be able to continue their drug use.
after 21yrs of trying to cope with my husband's addiction, i found myself fighting for my sanity so i had to separate, hoping that he would find his bottom. in a way, i guess he did finally, he passed away last month. i regrets i didn't step out of his way sooner.
you separating from him maybe helping the both of you more than you know right now.
keep the focus on you and i'll keep all of you in my prayers
i'm 8yrs clean and it took for my family to walk away and allow me to suffer the consequences of my actions alone. it was then and only then that i hit my bottom allowing me the chance to see for myself just how out of control and destructive my life had become. that bottom drove me to getting serious about my recovery and remembering that bottom and how hard it was to pull myself up again, is what helps me to be determined to do whatever it takes for me to stay clean. today i'm grateful that my family walked away.
imo, as long as an addict have someone to supply their basic needs(food, shelter,???) then they only have to focus on how to get their drugs. so you see, by helping, we sometimes are helping them to be able to continue their drug use.
after 21yrs of trying to cope with my husband's addiction, i found myself fighting for my sanity so i had to separate, hoping that he would find his bottom. in a way, i guess he did finally, he passed away last month. i regrets i didn't step out of his way sooner.
you separating from him maybe helping the both of you more than you know right now.
keep the focus on you and i'll keep all of you in my prayers
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