taking the first steps....intervention?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 11
taking the first steps....intervention?
About two weeks ago, the veil was lifted and I could finally see/admit that my h of 15 years is an alcoholic, and that he has an increasingly serious anger management problem that is threatening the safety of our two children.
What I have done so far:[*]Gotten counseling for myself (thank you Dr. S for lifting the veil).[*]Attended two Al-Anon meetings (so far, not for me, but I’ll try the recommended 6 meetings before deciding).[*]Started a journal, partial to vent, mostly to document his behaviors. I want to document for legal reasons, but also to help keep me from minimizing his behaviors after a few days.[*]Gone w/ my children to my dd’s school guidance counselor to report an abusive incident.[*]Joined this group.[*]Asked (in a very calm non-threatening way) that my H accompany me to an anger management class (emphatic reply: “I Do Not Have an Anger Management Problem”).[*]Made plans to attend the weekly free county counseling service with my children tomorrow night.[*]Made an appointment with a lawyer (the guilt is eating at me. And the fear). I see her tomorrow.
Aside from suggesting to my husband, about 6-8 months ago, that perhaps his excessive drinking was a factor in his high blood pressure and occasional panic attacks, I have never nagged or bugged him about his drinking. I’ve never before indicated to him that I thought his drinking was contributory to our relationship issues…because I was so deep in denial it never occurred to ME that it was a problem.
So how do I take those first steps toward a separation? And should I listen to that fear of vindictiveness (he’s never been vindictive…though certainly passive aggressive)? Do I pack up important papers and memorabilia and take them to my office before I ask him to leave? From reading and also guessing my h’s answers to things like the CAGE Questionnaire and Michigan Alcohol Screening Test, he could be considered an “Early to Middle Problem Drinker”). Should I hire a professional interventionist? Or should I just say “you can think whatever you want of me…but I’m unhappy, and we need to separate.”
And most important of all….how do I protect my kids? He does do a fair share of the parenting, so I’ve been overwhelmed at the idea of doing it all myself, and also worried that if we separated I would no longer be around during “his turn” as a mediating presence when his temper flairs. He’s in denial about his anger issues. I have NO DOUBT that he will deny he has a problem w/ Alc. So I imagine he will go ballistic if I try to deny him physical custody (and I think my kids would have a hard time w/ that too). But I also now realize that unless the alcoholism is addressed, things are only going to continue to escalate. Help!
What I have done so far:[*]Gotten counseling for myself (thank you Dr. S for lifting the veil).[*]Attended two Al-Anon meetings (so far, not for me, but I’ll try the recommended 6 meetings before deciding).[*]Started a journal, partial to vent, mostly to document his behaviors. I want to document for legal reasons, but also to help keep me from minimizing his behaviors after a few days.[*]Gone w/ my children to my dd’s school guidance counselor to report an abusive incident.[*]Joined this group.[*]Asked (in a very calm non-threatening way) that my H accompany me to an anger management class (emphatic reply: “I Do Not Have an Anger Management Problem”).[*]Made plans to attend the weekly free county counseling service with my children tomorrow night.[*]Made an appointment with a lawyer (the guilt is eating at me. And the fear). I see her tomorrow.
Aside from suggesting to my husband, about 6-8 months ago, that perhaps his excessive drinking was a factor in his high blood pressure and occasional panic attacks, I have never nagged or bugged him about his drinking. I’ve never before indicated to him that I thought his drinking was contributory to our relationship issues…because I was so deep in denial it never occurred to ME that it was a problem.
So how do I take those first steps toward a separation? And should I listen to that fear of vindictiveness (he’s never been vindictive…though certainly passive aggressive)? Do I pack up important papers and memorabilia and take them to my office before I ask him to leave? From reading and also guessing my h’s answers to things like the CAGE Questionnaire and Michigan Alcohol Screening Test, he could be considered an “Early to Middle Problem Drinker”). Should I hire a professional interventionist? Or should I just say “you can think whatever you want of me…but I’m unhappy, and we need to separate.”
And most important of all….how do I protect my kids? He does do a fair share of the parenting, so I’ve been overwhelmed at the idea of doing it all myself, and also worried that if we separated I would no longer be around during “his turn” as a mediating presence when his temper flairs. He’s in denial about his anger issues. I have NO DOUBT that he will deny he has a problem w/ Alc. So I imagine he will go ballistic if I try to deny him physical custody (and I think my kids would have a hard time w/ that too). But I also now realize that unless the alcoholism is addressed, things are only going to continue to escalate. Help!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
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I think you need to get your ducks in a row before you walk out the door. Or before you stage an intervention.
I would say that does include taking important docs to your office - or at least making copies of all of them.
Stash some $$.
Imagine that he goes to rehab or a 3 month business trip - what kind of help do you need to run the household and raise your kids? Then think about how to implement that.
You can't leave him and expect him to change his behavior and stop drinking. If you leave him, you need to do it because life will be better for you and your kids without him in the house.
You seem to be doing a great job of lining up counsleing and support. keep up the good work - and keep reading here!
I would say that does include taking important docs to your office - or at least making copies of all of them.
Stash some $$.
Imagine that he goes to rehab or a 3 month business trip - what kind of help do you need to run the household and raise your kids? Then think about how to implement that.
You can't leave him and expect him to change his behavior and stop drinking. If you leave him, you need to do it because life will be better for you and your kids without him in the house.
You seem to be doing a great job of lining up counsleing and support. keep up the good work - and keep reading here!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 11
Rereading my post and realized how long and ramble-y it is :-).
And apologies if my posts belong in the newcomers area...I just realized that it was for families too.
Anyway, I guess I was struggling w/ the "how do I say, "you're an alcoholic, and I'm leaving you"?"...and realized this morning I'd like to take it one step at a time. First let him know I'm concerned about his drinking and how it affects not just his health but also our family/relationship...let that sink in for a few days or so, before asking him to choose: alcohol & continued denial re his need for anger management v his family. I know his answer....or at least I hope I do, because I am DONE with this relationship...but not sure I'd be brave enough to end it if he says he wants help.
And apologies if my posts belong in the newcomers area...I just realized that it was for families too.
Anyway, I guess I was struggling w/ the "how do I say, "you're an alcoholic, and I'm leaving you"?"...and realized this morning I'd like to take it one step at a time. First let him know I'm concerned about his drinking and how it affects not just his health but also our family/relationship...let that sink in for a few days or so, before asking him to choose: alcohol & continued denial re his need for anger management v his family. I know his answer....or at least I hope I do, because I am DONE with this relationship...but not sure I'd be brave enough to end it if he says he wants help.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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You are posting in the correct forum. Newcomers is mostly for newbies to sobriety.
You are scheduled to meet with an attorney today, right? The attorney will be able to answer your questions about visitation and what you should and should not do to protect yourself (financially, physically, legally)
Is this where you real struggle is:
because I am DONE with this relationship...but not sure I'd be brave enough to end it if he says he wants help.
Are you ready to end your relationship? OR
Are you wanting to end your relationship in its current state?
Have you asked yourself if there is anything that your partner could DO to keep you in the relationship? (Used the word DO instead of SAY - as actions are better than words)
I had to ask myself that question. Was there anything that my partner could DO to keep me in the marriage? My answer was no.
My ex offered to get sober when I asked for a seperation. I told him that in the past I thought sobriety was what I wanted and what I would have accepted. But there is more to recovery than just getting sober. I want openness, honesty, forthrightness and respect as an equal partner in life.
Ask yourself what it is that you want from your one precious life.
You are scheduled to meet with an attorney today, right? The attorney will be able to answer your questions about visitation and what you should and should not do to protect yourself (financially, physically, legally)
Is this where you real struggle is:
because I am DONE with this relationship...but not sure I'd be brave enough to end it if he says he wants help.
Are you ready to end your relationship? OR
Are you wanting to end your relationship in its current state?
Have you asked yourself if there is anything that your partner could DO to keep you in the relationship? (Used the word DO instead of SAY - as actions are better than words)
I had to ask myself that question. Was there anything that my partner could DO to keep me in the marriage? My answer was no.
My ex offered to get sober when I asked for a seperation. I told him that in the past I thought sobriety was what I wanted and what I would have accepted. But there is more to recovery than just getting sober. I want openness, honesty, forthrightness and respect as an equal partner in life.
Ask yourself what it is that you want from your one precious life.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
It kind of seems as though mentally & emotionally you're already checked out of the marriage; and have one foot out the door. You're leaving will be an intervention in and of itself. We are reading and studying codependent no more by melody beattie. jessica's story is compelling in that she says "why didn't he stop while I still cared" and she recognizes that his drinking had become her problem, it didn't matter who's fault it was, she had lost control. If you are premeditating leaving and a divorce, do your homework and prepare to rock the boat because you don't know how he's going to react and if under the influence, he could do harm. I'm so glad you are here at SR! You've come to a place that will help you stay grounded.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Insulated 
If you are premeditating leaving and a divorce, do your homework and prepare to rock the boat because you don't know how he's going to react and if under the influence, he could do harm.
Insulated: you are right...I am mentally & emotionally checked out of the marriage, and have one foot out the door. What scares the S--- out of me is what you said above. So hopefully the lawyer will strategize w/ me on this? Hmm...maybe a new thread so I can hear others' "what happened when I threw my high functioning/in denial AH out of the house" stories?
In response to my other worry ["...but not sure I'd be brave enough to end it if he says he wants help. "] I've just realized that I can ask for a separation NO MATTER WHAT. If he doesn't want help/to get sober....we want him OUT...and if he does, he needs to do it somewhere else to give the kids and I some peace/safety while he works on his own issues. Ahhhhh....the fog keeps getting a little thinner.
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