New Here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 5
New Here
Okay, I think that I'm the right spot, and at last I'm seeing that I am not the only one going through this.
Since I am new, I'll give you the rundown of what my life has been like with my boyfriend.
We have been together for 6 years this past January, we originally met at the job we both worked at the time. He was sweet, loving, and a gentleman in his own way, very charismatic, and we hit it off right away. He also had told me that he was a drug user, but like a fool i brushed it off, thinking,"oh it's pot" or something like that, because everytime I saw him at work or at his home, he was sober (at least that's what i Thought)
We have gone through many ups and downs over the past years.And the addictions are many.First it was pot and cocaine and a little crystal meth here and there..then he stopped that and got heavily into crack (by heavily i mean $800 worth in one DAY)we finally got him off of that, and then he started into the prescription drugs.Mind you alcohol has always been a factor, most days, he gets off work he'll drink a few beers and then go to bed (he works the overnight shift),but now his newest thing is morphine that he buys and smokes.
It started out here and there, he said that it helps with the pain for a few hours (he has a bunch of medical problems and does TRUELY hurt, of that i have no doubt),but now it's come down to the point of everytime he gets his prescriptions at the beginning of the month, 90% are being traded in for morphine.And he'll sit in the bedroom and smoke it (I can't be around it, the smell makes me gag)and then for at least two hours he is completely and utterly useless, he just sits there staring out into space.
I hate it. I hate what it does to him. He spends more time in that room with the door shut, then he does out of it, unless he is working. I've nagged. I've pleaded. I've begged. I've cried.But to no avail.
this past week it has escalated though. He's done his normal asking our friends for money to get it deal as usual . the other day, no one would give him any money, and we got into an arguement, He was abusing his other prescription again (valium) and it got ugly.
Tonight (yesterday now) was why i seeked out a group like this. He had taken a bunch of his valium and drank almost a full 5th of the neighbor's bourbon. This is known to make him violent. I went downstairs immediately when he started with the baby, to our neighbor's house and it ended up with my boyfriend getting bakeracted and my house looking like someone was murdered in it.He has smashed a glass mug, sliced up his foot and had gotten blood everywhere.But he was feeling no pain, he was beggin my nighbor to kill him one minute and sobbing the next.
This isn't the first time either, there have been at least 4 others that i have been through, this is the first one, where I wasn't the one fighting against him to not hurt himself.The house gets destroyed, blood everywhere etc.I'm so tired of cleaning up the blood
Now you may be saying to yourself ,"girl, get the heck out of dodge!", but (and here comes the famous last words)I love him.When he's sober he is the best provider, he works his rear off and he does his best to take care of his family and he's a REALLY nice guy.It's just like DR. Jeykll and MR. Hyde with him...he's a completely different person on his highs, ESPECIALLY with the benzo's and alcohol-he becomes destructive, suicidal, mentally abusive, as soon as he is bakeracted he starts calling from the hospital how much i don't care about him, that we are over with, that he's going to take the baby from me, and how i am a snitch.In order to get out, he tells the DRs what they want to hear, is okay for a while, apologizes, and is my B/F, the one i fell in love with all over again until the process starts again.
I only have one real person to talk to about this, but never being in the situation herself, she can only offer sympathy and tell me that i have decisions to make. I KNOW this, but I also need someone to talk to that understands all the things running through my mind right now, while he is laying in a hospital because I put him there.
So you tell me, am I in the right place?
Since I am new, I'll give you the rundown of what my life has been like with my boyfriend.
We have been together for 6 years this past January, we originally met at the job we both worked at the time. He was sweet, loving, and a gentleman in his own way, very charismatic, and we hit it off right away. He also had told me that he was a drug user, but like a fool i brushed it off, thinking,"oh it's pot" or something like that, because everytime I saw him at work or at his home, he was sober (at least that's what i Thought)
We have gone through many ups and downs over the past years.And the addictions are many.First it was pot and cocaine and a little crystal meth here and there..then he stopped that and got heavily into crack (by heavily i mean $800 worth in one DAY)we finally got him off of that, and then he started into the prescription drugs.Mind you alcohol has always been a factor, most days, he gets off work he'll drink a few beers and then go to bed (he works the overnight shift),but now his newest thing is morphine that he buys and smokes.
It started out here and there, he said that it helps with the pain for a few hours (he has a bunch of medical problems and does TRUELY hurt, of that i have no doubt),but now it's come down to the point of everytime he gets his prescriptions at the beginning of the month, 90% are being traded in for morphine.And he'll sit in the bedroom and smoke it (I can't be around it, the smell makes me gag)and then for at least two hours he is completely and utterly useless, he just sits there staring out into space.
I hate it. I hate what it does to him. He spends more time in that room with the door shut, then he does out of it, unless he is working. I've nagged. I've pleaded. I've begged. I've cried.But to no avail.
this past week it has escalated though. He's done his normal asking our friends for money to get it deal as usual . the other day, no one would give him any money, and we got into an arguement, He was abusing his other prescription again (valium) and it got ugly.
Tonight (yesterday now) was why i seeked out a group like this. He had taken a bunch of his valium and drank almost a full 5th of the neighbor's bourbon. This is known to make him violent. I went downstairs immediately when he started with the baby, to our neighbor's house and it ended up with my boyfriend getting bakeracted and my house looking like someone was murdered in it.He has smashed a glass mug, sliced up his foot and had gotten blood everywhere.But he was feeling no pain, he was beggin my nighbor to kill him one minute and sobbing the next.
This isn't the first time either, there have been at least 4 others that i have been through, this is the first one, where I wasn't the one fighting against him to not hurt himself.The house gets destroyed, blood everywhere etc.I'm so tired of cleaning up the blood
Now you may be saying to yourself ,"girl, get the heck out of dodge!", but (and here comes the famous last words)I love him.When he's sober he is the best provider, he works his rear off and he does his best to take care of his family and he's a REALLY nice guy.It's just like DR. Jeykll and MR. Hyde with him...he's a completely different person on his highs, ESPECIALLY with the benzo's and alcohol-he becomes destructive, suicidal, mentally abusive, as soon as he is bakeracted he starts calling from the hospital how much i don't care about him, that we are over with, that he's going to take the baby from me, and how i am a snitch.In order to get out, he tells the DRs what they want to hear, is okay for a while, apologizes, and is my B/F, the one i fell in love with all over again until the process starts again.
I only have one real person to talk to about this, but never being in the situation herself, she can only offer sympathy and tell me that i have decisions to make. I KNOW this, but I also need someone to talk to that understands all the things running through my mind right now, while he is laying in a hospital because I put him there.
So you tell me, am I in the right place?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First,
WELCOME to SR. You have found a great place, with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) from folks just like you who have been where you are or are where you are now.
With that being said there are some things you can do for YOU.
You didn't put him there. ............................... He is there as a result of HIS ACTIONS. This is called 'consequences of his actions."
If you have not yet, please try some Al-Anon meetings, at least 6 to get an idea of which groups 'fit you.' Also, get a copy of Melodie Beattie's "Co-Dependent No More." Read it through for the first time. You will find yourself underling and highlighting sentences and passages. This book can be of great help, to start ourselves on The Road of Recovery.
Please read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum and peruse around the site. There is lots of GREAT information for you! Please remember one thing:
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CURE this.
You didn't CAUSE this.
It's called The 3 C's.
The book will help you to see where you may have 'enabled' his addictions. Alanon will help you to learn how to set boundaries for YOU. We will help you as much as we can with 'answers' to all the questions you are going to have.
We know it is not living with and/or being involved with a person CONSUMED by addiction. And we have learned that the only one who can help the Addict is the Addict themself, and it's not pretty.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much and will walk your journed with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
WELCOME to SR. You have found a great place, with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) from folks just like you who have been where you are or are where you are now.
With that being said there are some things you can do for YOU.
I also need someone to talk to that understands all the things running through my mind right now, while he is laying in a hospital because I put him there.
If you have not yet, please try some Al-Anon meetings, at least 6 to get an idea of which groups 'fit you.' Also, get a copy of Melodie Beattie's "Co-Dependent No More." Read it through for the first time. You will find yourself underling and highlighting sentences and passages. This book can be of great help, to start ourselves on The Road of Recovery.
Please read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum and peruse around the site. There is lots of GREAT information for you! Please remember one thing:
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CURE this.
You didn't CAUSE this.
It's called The 3 C's.
The book will help you to see where you may have 'enabled' his addictions. Alanon will help you to learn how to set boundaries for YOU. We will help you as much as we can with 'answers' to all the questions you are going to have.
We know it is not living with and/or being involved with a person CONSUMED by addiction. And we have learned that the only one who can help the Addict is the Addict themself, and it's not pretty.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much and will walk your journed with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, Robin. 
Take a read around and you will see that you are not alone here, we all have a deep connection to an addict we love. Sadly, love will not save them, if it could not one of us would be here.
We are here to support you regardless of whether you choose to stay or leave, but sweetie, you and your baby are in serious danger living with a man like that. When the drugs take over he could become very dangerous to both of you, as well as himself. It may be better to think this through at a safe distance. Womens shelters can help you if you think you have no place to go.
What helped me find my balance again was going to meetings. CoDA, Al-Anon and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us work on our own recovery, regardless of how our addicts were doing. Maybe check your area and give them a try.
Hugs
Take a read around and you will see that you are not alone here, we all have a deep connection to an addict we love. Sadly, love will not save them, if it could not one of us would be here.
We are here to support you regardless of whether you choose to stay or leave, but sweetie, you and your baby are in serious danger living with a man like that. When the drugs take over he could become very dangerous to both of you, as well as himself. It may be better to think this through at a safe distance. Womens shelters can help you if you think you have no place to go.
What helped me find my balance again was going to meetings. CoDA, Al-Anon and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us work on our own recovery, regardless of how our addicts were doing. Maybe check your area and give them a try.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Hi Robin and welcome!
First of all....ditto to everything Laurie and Ann said. You are in the right place. SR has been a life saver for me and many others.
You said you hate what it does to him, you are tired of cleaning up the blood....You've nagged. You've pleaded. You've begged. You've cried. "But to no avail" and, yet......you still love him. Been there .... Read the sticky at the top of this thread "What Addicts Do." That opened my eyes like nothing else. I keep a copy of it in my wallet and whenever my son tries to "charm" me, I take it out and re-read it.
I hope you will consider yourself and your child, your sanity and your safety. It sounds like your life has become unmanageable. You have taken a big step in coming here and asking for help. Codependent No More and Al-anon have also helped me. The more knowledge you have the better.
First of all....ditto to everything Laurie and Ann said. You are in the right place. SR has been a life saver for me and many others.
You said you hate what it does to him, you are tired of cleaning up the blood....You've nagged. You've pleaded. You've begged. You've cried. "But to no avail" and, yet......you still love him. Been there .... Read the sticky at the top of this thread "What Addicts Do." That opened my eyes like nothing else. I keep a copy of it in my wallet and whenever my son tries to "charm" me, I take it out and re-read it.
I hope you will consider yourself and your child, your sanity and your safety. It sounds like your life has become unmanageable. You have taken a big step in coming here and asking for help. Codependent No More and Al-anon have also helped me. The more knowledge you have the better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Welcome to SR! I'm sorry you're going through this constant crisis and chaos. My late fiance' was just like yours with the exception of baker acting. he overdosed thanksgiving. I know what is going through your head for the most part. I was kicked out a lot - addicts/alcoholics isolate in order to use and not be faced with guilt and all that. I found that by taking time out - away - I was able to redirect my attention to a plan for me. Did a lot of stumbling, procrastinating and too much saving. (codependent) My late ABF only did 14 of the 28 days of rehab, walked right out the door to the beer aisle. Less than 10 of the required 25 outpatient. And then it was a complete slap in my face, the judges faces, when he was only 5 weeks out and using again. Wound up back in jail, monitored ROR, it was just a complete cluster_uck! I began pulling away and found him shooting up. He died. There really is NOTHING you can do but save yourself. The best advice I would be willing to give is take some time out for you, like a week of no contact. You'll begin to view things in a proactive way (maybe) as to what you need to do to begin self preservation, which is really your parental obligation now.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi robin, welcome to sr. yes you are definitely in the right place, a good place. when i first came here, i felt i was literally going in sane. there is a lot of e,s,and h here. this site has literally saved my sanity.
my husband of 24yrs who passed away last month, is what brought me here, but i am a recovering addict also. i come here wanting to know how i could help my husband and found out that there was nothing i could do to help him but i could help myself.
i agree with the others, focus more on you. it took for my family to walk away from me and my addiction before i could see for myself just how destructive and out of comtrol my life had become. i hit my bottom and that bottom drove me to be serious about my recovery and remembering that bottom is what helps me to stay clean. today i'm 8yrs clean and sober and is eternally grateful to my family for stepping out of way and allowing me to fall.
i pray that your bf finds his way soon but in the meanime, you have to decide what is best for you to do for you. you and yours are in your prayers.
my husband of 24yrs who passed away last month, is what brought me here, but i am a recovering addict also. i come here wanting to know how i could help my husband and found out that there was nothing i could do to help him but i could help myself.
i agree with the others, focus more on you. it took for my family to walk away from me and my addiction before i could see for myself just how destructive and out of comtrol my life had become. i hit my bottom and that bottom drove me to be serious about my recovery and remembering that bottom is what helps me to stay clean. today i'm 8yrs clean and sober and is eternally grateful to my family for stepping out of way and allowing me to fall.
i pray that your bf finds his way soon but in the meanime, you have to decide what is best for you to do for you. you and yours are in your prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Robin. Welcome to SR.
Sounds like he's a polysubstance abuser. You may love him but your love can't fix him. That's difficult to accept though, isn't it. That you are powerless over his addiction.
I hope you are in a safe place. And you mentioned a baby? I always try to put my child first in all my decisions. His father is an adult and needs to grow up and take care of himself. But the child is helpless and completely dependent on you for safety and security.
Another great book is: getting them sober by Toby Rice Drews.
Sounds like he's a polysubstance abuser. You may love him but your love can't fix him. That's difficult to accept though, isn't it. That you are powerless over his addiction.
I hope you are in a safe place. And you mentioned a baby? I always try to put my child first in all my decisions. His father is an adult and needs to grow up and take care of himself. But the child is helpless and completely dependent on you for safety and security.
Another great book is: getting them sober by Toby Rice Drews.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
You came to the right place. We all love our addicts, but its possible to love them to death. More than 1 recovering addict will say losing their family, kids, significant other saved there lives.
Sadly, no matter what you try to hide if those scenes are in your house, the child knows a portion of it. The scenes escaluate and become more frequent as the disease progresses and the scenes, verbal words, passed out dad ect start become normal to the child...
Only you can show your child whats not acceptable behavior, and its not just by telling your child that, but by keeping them from that drama completely.
It was my mother in-laws words from last October saying Stop thinking with your heart and act with your head that replayed in my head when I got the courage to have him removed...
Sadly, no matter what you try to hide if those scenes are in your house, the child knows a portion of it. The scenes escaluate and become more frequent as the disease progresses and the scenes, verbal words, passed out dad ect start become normal to the child...
Only you can show your child whats not acceptable behavior, and its not just by telling your child that, but by keeping them from that drama completely.
It was my mother in-laws words from last October saying Stop thinking with your heart and act with your head that replayed in my head when I got the courage to have him removed...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 5
Well darn..I wrote out a response and it didn't post..oh well, no worries, I can always type it again lol
I want to thank each and everyone of you for welcoming me and making me feel as if i am not alone.You don't know how much that means to me right now.
And yes, the best decision, would be to leave, but i have no money, no bank accounts, no credit cards, and no where to go.A year back I even called the closest woman's shelter and they basically brushed me off, telling me that if he wasn't physically abusing me, that there was nothing that they could do for me.
I'm going to look into the meetings that you told me about, but I have no transportation, so that might be a problem as well.
I DO however have a library right down the street and will look for those two books that were suggested.
Also, for the person that told me to read the sticky posts and the one about "what a drug addict does", thank you for that..it hit the nail right on the head. I think that i will follow your thinking and copy that down and keep it handy.
You folks are really wonderful, and I'm glad that I found this forum, to know that FINALLY, i am NOT alone.
I want to thank each and everyone of you for welcoming me and making me feel as if i am not alone.You don't know how much that means to me right now.
And yes, the best decision, would be to leave, but i have no money, no bank accounts, no credit cards, and no where to go.A year back I even called the closest woman's shelter and they basically brushed me off, telling me that if he wasn't physically abusing me, that there was nothing that they could do for me.
I'm going to look into the meetings that you told me about, but I have no transportation, so that might be a problem as well.
I DO however have a library right down the street and will look for those two books that were suggested.
Also, for the person that told me to read the sticky posts and the one about "what a drug addict does", thank you for that..it hit the nail right on the head. I think that i will follow your thinking and copy that down and keep it handy.
You folks are really wonderful, and I'm glad that I found this forum, to know that FINALLY, i am NOT alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 5
Suspicious,
I guess bruises, or something along that sort of thing..When I spoke to them, I had explained my situation, and they told me that there wasn't much that they could do for me, because there is no physical abuse.They only told me that if i didn't feel safe in the situation that I was in to contact the authorities.
I guess bruises, or something along that sort of thing..When I spoke to them, I had explained my situation, and they told me that there wasn't much that they could do for me, because there is no physical abuse.They only told me that if i didn't feel safe in the situation that I was in to contact the authorities.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Robin)) - did you tell the shelter he was Baker acted?
I am so sorry you're having to go through all of this. I'm like ((Teke)) - an RA (recovering addict) but I'm also a codie (codependent) and I've had three relationships with an alcoholic and 2 addicts.
You are, most definitely, NOT alone. There are so many of us. Even though I'm an RA...I lived the life of the addict, it didn't help when I had to walk away from the man I loved...but he wanted to continue using. It hurt.
Keep posting here. Document every single thing that he's done that has made you feel unsafe. I don't know the laws of where you are, but I do know that a "paper trail" is always a good idea. Keep a journal...somewhere that he knows nothing about. Write down how you feel, what you're going through. Not only does it help you (or at least, it helps me) "get it out" but it's a "paper trail".
I'm really sorry you're going through this, but stick around, sweetie. You'll find a lot of support here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am so sorry you're having to go through all of this. I'm like ((Teke)) - an RA (recovering addict) but I'm also a codie (codependent) and I've had three relationships with an alcoholic and 2 addicts.
You are, most definitely, NOT alone. There are so many of us. Even though I'm an RA...I lived the life of the addict, it didn't help when I had to walk away from the man I loved...but he wanted to continue using. It hurt.
Keep posting here. Document every single thing that he's done that has made you feel unsafe. I don't know the laws of where you are, but I do know that a "paper trail" is always a good idea. Keep a journal...somewhere that he knows nothing about. Write down how you feel, what you're going through. Not only does it help you (or at least, it helps me) "get it out" but it's a "paper trail".
I'm really sorry you're going through this, but stick around, sweetie. You'll find a lot of support here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Robin)))))
Amy is right, call the shelter back, tell them he has been "Backered" and that you are in fear for your life, not knowing what he will do next. They may not be able to help you with actual 'housing' but they SHOULD be able to offer you some 'counseling' and guidance and training, and and and As a matter of fact, ask them for 'suggestions' and places to call.
And if that particular shelter does not have 'counseling' and other services call others.
Also, when you find the number for Al-Anon and call to find out where meetings are, tell them you have no transportation and could they do a "12 step call" and have someone take you to a meeting.
Find a meeting in Florida
Hope that helps for starters!
Love and hugs,
Amy is right, call the shelter back, tell them he has been "Backered" and that you are in fear for your life, not knowing what he will do next. They may not be able to help you with actual 'housing' but they SHOULD be able to offer you some 'counseling' and guidance and training, and and and As a matter of fact, ask them for 'suggestions' and places to call.
And if that particular shelter does not have 'counseling' and other services call others.
Also, when you find the number for Al-Anon and call to find out where meetings are, tell them you have no transportation and could they do a "12 step call" and have someone take you to a meeting.
Find a meeting in Florida
Hope that helps for starters!
Love and hugs,
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