summer017

Hi all.... My boyfriend was checked into a rehab facility today... 2 hours away. His sister brought him this morning. He called me in the AM and told me that he was going in.... it didn't come as a surprise I knew he had been searching for a bed for the last 2 weeks. He was scared, nervous and it wasn't where he wanted to go. But i stayed positive. He knows he needs this - things have been really bad lately. He is an IV Oxy user and has been for about 6 years. (Along with EVERYTHING else under the sun since age 12) The last few months he has been out of control. He broke down recently about how he has become so scandalous and thieving. He has burned all his bridges and hurt so many people. He said he's so sick of living intervals of a couple of hours, so sick of being sick all the time and having nothing. I have never used with him, but have enabled him as I allow him to use in front of me. I know that is a horrible thing to do.

When he called this morning he told me he was going away and doesn't know for how long. He said he wished he had more time before he was leaving cause he wanted me to come over before he left. He said he doesn't know how long it will be one week, two, a month, two.... he said he doesn't know when he'll be able to call.

I know this is the best thing for him, don't get me wrong. But now that he is gone... 2 hours away, i don't know when i'll hear from him, or how long he's going to be gone for... I am FREAKING out. He is the love of my life and I want so badly to be near him, but what i want more is for him to finally be happy.

I'm just posting to vent a bit... and maybe to see how others in a similar situation have dealt with it. Do I sound selfish? I hope not.

It's best to stay positive. Esp when I do talk to him, whenever that is. Also, I was wondering if there was any kind of specific support I should give him when he comes home? I just want to make sure I'm doing what's best for him...

Thanks guys

laurie6781

The best thing you can do for YOU and HIM is to find some Al-Anon meetings and try at least 6 of them. I suggest Al-Anon as usually you will find more of those than Naranon meetings.

These are for you. These will help you learn about your own co-dependency and how to work on you while he is working on him.

You might also want to get a copy of Melodie Beattie's "Co-Dependent No More". It can be found at your local library possibly or Amazon dot com has it at a very reasonable price. I would suggest purchasing your own copy as you will probably end up underlining and highlighting various passages.

If he is serious about recovery then he has a lot of hard work ahead of him. You will probably have a lot of questions over the next days , weeks, and months. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

You will find a lot of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) here to help you on your own journey while he starts his.

Love and hugs,

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Summer017:

You are claiming him as the love of your life and you are freaking out because he's going into a treatment center. Be thrilled that is where he is going and doing it on his own free will. You both will have a better life because of his decision to get clean. Sounds like he has hit rock bottom and has had enough. Get yourself involved with Al-Anon so you'll know what to do thru this and after he gets home.

I'm on day 50 clean time coming off the opiates, again.

Be thankful he's going into a treatment center and not being shipped off to the middle east by the military. I'm the soldier and my spouse had to live with this event as well as my daughter.

Good luck to the both of you.

marshallzhukov

Ditto to what TiredofDrugs said. Consider this period that he is in treatment an invaluable grace period when you can work on yourself and he can work on himself, without your respective issues crossing over to upset the other.

The rehab that he is now at will give him tools with which to lead a clean and sober life. IF HE CHOOSES TO USE THEM, then he will get better, although it may take some time.

Unfortunately at the moment there is nothing you can do to influence that outcome, so take some time to attend Al-Anon and see if you work on some of your own issues before he re-enters your life. For better or worse, sooner or later, he will be back.

Soleus

I know very much how you feel about this, I freaked out too when my now ex bf went into rehab. A little different situation- he had been using for 8 years and no one knew, then we found out and he decided to go to detox just to shut us up but then detox turned into 4 months of rehab where we only communicated through letters and short phone calls here and there. I understand what you're saying, it's not that you're selfish or there's anything wrong. You're just use to having him there and now he's missing, it feels weird and lonely. It literally knocked the breathe out of me when I found out he was an addict, I'd know for months something was very odd about him but I couldnt figure it out and then it was a huge surprise.

My ex and I were very very reliant and attached to each other. Together all the time constantly and talking all through out the day. Is that something you and your bf did? Is that what it means to be co-dependent? That's why I had such a hard time when he went into rehab- we were so dependent on each other.

Another issue I had, and maybe you too, is that I very much felt the need to let him now how much I supported him being in there. I spent SO much of my time writing pages of letters, sending encouraging sayings and quotes, comics to make him feel better. Anything I could do. And then I found out that thats why he's in rehab, he didn't need my help for anything. There was nothing I could do out here that he wasn't already talking about and working through out there. Especially since we only got lettes every other day. It was crazy, I spent hours writing letters every other day.

Another thing that drove me crazy is I didnt know what was going on in there. On top of that I didn't know anything about addiction or addicts so I spent a lot of my time trying to figure out why he did it, what I could do about it, if there was anything I could do, what triggers he may have, basically everythign there is to know. There was no way I could understand though, I simply have never experienced addiction and theres no way to explain it. As much as I tried to force it and to understand the mentality behind it I just couldnt and it drove me nuts.

Whew, let me tell you those 4 months were very difficult. I didn't know what to do with myself. I told him everyday how extremely proud and happy I am that he was there, that he was taking the steps and making the effort to get himself in the right place. I love him and I made it very very clear how much I supported and was proud of him. But that doesnt mean you cant have your own feelings, you don't have to ignore how you feel or feel bad about it. There's a combination of factors that make you feel like that and you are definently not alone. Take care, I hope you can figure something out. Talking to someone really helps. I didnt go to any Al anon meetings but I prob should have. I kept myself busy as much as possible to keep me distracted : )

coffeedrinker

You are both entering a phase in your lives of tremendous growth (potentially).
You feel that you need him, and you miss him. But even the two greatest loves of all time can be apart for awhile. You will be sad, especially at night, but you can do this.


He is now on a spiritual quest. He needs to find himself, and live life on his terms, and on life's terms.

You need to do the same.

If you two can be independent adults, not inter-dependent, enmeshed beings, and you re-connect and decide that you wish to walk life's path NEXT TO each other, not INSIDE of each other, then you may choose to have a more mature relationship.

You are not his parent. You need to have respect and affection for one another. Anything else is not a healthy relationship.

Now go find yourself.

Soleus

So true, it took me a year to figure that out. I'm just really getting it now and finding I have to walk away for me. I feel like I lost a year of my life. It was amazing with him, he was amazing and we had so much fun but I put everything else to the wayside- friends, family, school. I'm not saying that you have done that, but just a personal experience.

Thats what I had to realize also, is that we both have to be individuals first. I really like what you said coffeedrinker:


"walk life's path NEXT TO each other, not INSIDE of each other"

He needs the space and time to focus on him and getting sober and recovering but that doesnt mean it won't hurt you. But it will make you stronger and grow indpendent. It's what you'll need to be strong for when he gets out.

Spiritual Seeker

To mature we learn to "Let go"
Don't cling to a drug addict. He can't love you because he love drugs.

Your only hope is that he stays in rehab long enough to understand what sobriety is.
Then when he gets out, the work of staying sober must be a daily priority for him.

Let him go ...when he gets healthy - and only then- do you have any chance to have a healthy relationship.
What can you do, get out of the way and let him get his life togehter.
don't be any kind of saftey net...welcome him back when he is sober.