FiftyPence

Ok I'm going to make this a bit of a ramble to attempt to convey where I'm at at the moment. Something I've noticed is how glacial the path forward can be when both of us are so "stuck". I had resolved to be separated and out the house by the end of February but I'm still with her.

Thanks to the wise counsel here I was advised to get legal opinion which I've now done both with a social worker and a lawyer.

WHAT THE SOCIAL WORKER SAID:

In short, the social worker said confront her about drunken parenting, often and with consistency. I've tried this once subsequent to her advice and got the usual angry response. It makes my wife furious if I tell her that someone her small size with a nightly bottle of wine in her equates to drunken parenting.

The social worker also said I'm legally compromised if I leave the house with her in charge of the kids, even if it is for only certain nights of the week - because of my firsthand knowledge of her drinking. Looks bad in black and white.

She said I could try and get her declared legally unfit as a parent if she refuses to get any help for her problem. This is a tedious process and I'm not sure I want to go down that road.

And lastly she said I could try and arrange a roadblock with the local cops to get her nailed for drunk driving which she frequently does, despite having been arrested for it over a year ago. I may have done that a few months ago as part of my control freak strategy. Not sure I'm interested enough anymore to do that except maybe as a ploy for custody of the children.

WHAT THE LAWYER SAID:

I explained to the lawyer that we want to separate but I want a legal separation document because of issues of marital abandonment blah blah but also because there is alcohol involved.

He put it very simply. He said regardless of whether we want to separate or divorce, if there is alcohol and children involved an outside professional must first assess both parents to see whether we can independently look after two small children. Then a report must be drawn up and a recommendation made. Then we proceed from there.

I said well what if she refuses? He then thrust the lawyer logic on me and said why would she refuse? She's got nothing to hide, right?

So, a bit more about my AW. I read a lot of accounts here of people who have alcoholic partners who alternate between drinking and remorse. Not mine. She drinks defiantly "at me" and never apologises for anything. She refuses to acknowledge that she has any problem with booze to me, although to her friends she admits she can't stop drinking. She repeatedly tells me that she won't shoulder the blame for the mess she's in. I repeatedly tell her that no one forces her to drink, she does it all by herself. I'm not the cause of her drinking, if I was that powerful then I'm sure I could force her to stop. Anyway, much anger if I confront her about it and we never get anywhere when we talk about it.

My progression, if you can call it that, has been from a worried basket case every time she goes out in her car to friends, to someone who actively hopes she gets caught doing it. I won't do most social events with her anymore because of how the evenings always end up, that is, her getting abominably drunk and me having to deal with it. I avoid her family too now because they blame me for her drinking. Someone's gotta take the blame hey? Can't be the drinker. And of course, in textbook fashion we're both socially isolated now due to friends who can't handle our "situation".

When I tell her I think I'm co-dependent she just laughs it off because I really don't do anything to encourage her drinking. But I think that my enabling way is much more subtle. I'm way past the point any healthy person would tolerate this crap. I should have sued for divorce long ago. That's how I'm enabling it. Fear is what perpetuates my inaction. My deepest fear is losing access to my children, or that she gets to be their custodian while she continues down her mad path of destruction.

At the moment she's deeply unhappy about my presence in the house. She wants me out. I want me out too. I agree we need time apart, but we must resolve how we're going to handle the parenting issues. My next step is to get the assessment done. I doubt she's going to agree to it.

Anyway, that's about as much as I've got headspace for at the moment. I'm going to try and have the conversation about the assessment with her this week still. Not sure what my next step will be if she refuses.

And finally. This is a question I'm sure a lot of partners of A's think about regularly. I look at her now, her attitude to me when she's pissed and I wonder, is this the booze talking or is this how she really is? I've come to the conclusion this is how she is. This is how she thinks sober, and when she's drunk. Then I get to thinking, was she always like this? And my conclusion is no, people do change. The person I married is not the person I live with now. I've given up trying to figure out what's caused the distance, the changes in her. Booze is undoubtedly a huge factor, but something else has resulted in this distance, and it won't go away if she stops. She recognises this more than I do when I plead with her to stop drinking. She says, (and rightly so), "If I stop drinking, what will change between us?"

SeekingBalance

All I am going to say is this:

As an alcoholic and a really damn good mom . . . when I was actively drinking I drove black out drunk with my daughter in the car. I won't even describe the insanely dangerous road we were on for 2 HOURS!!!!

Didn't take long after that to get my butt to AA.

Sounds like some of the tedious things and confrontation are weighing you down.

Thought a little reality might help.

SeekingBalance

ICant

I was very afraid of divorcing my husband when he was an active alcoholic because here in Australia, it is very likely the split would have been 50/50 and I knew from experience that he would not stay sober if he had to look after our children (at the time 1 and 3 years old). Through Al-Anon and hearing the shares of Adult children of alcoholics, I finally understood I was doing my children no favours by exposing them to the nightly display of slurred words, red eyes, anger, sometimes violence, and the passing out, fully clothed, still holding the beer. Once I finally got it, I lost the fear, knew that my HP would help me and decided I would do everything in my power to make sure he did not get unsupervised custody of these vulnerable children.

GiveLove

Fifty, here are three interconnected things that stood out for me about your post:

and
and
I won't comment on it, but these three things would seem to add up to one possible path forward. Doing it multiple times might easily seal her fate. But you have to decide that the kids' wellbeing is worth this drastic move.

Not to mention saving the life of whoever she kills with her car.

Just saying.

Wishing you luck as you move into an uncertain future.