Having a weak moment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Having a weak moment
A little over an hour ago I had to shove my daughter out the door again for the day, or however long. I didn't kick her out for good, I just needed her out immediately. I didn't like the way she was talking to me and she wouldn't/couldn't slow down long enough to hear that I understand. I doubted myself and still do if I'm being honest, and only because of her tears. I know she's hurting from a thousand things and I can't make her deal with them, can't do it for her. I have a hard enough time dealing with myself, and she knows that, too.
I know those tears were for real and we both know her fight is really with herself, not me. Sometimes it pains me to enforce my boundaries and this is one of those times
I know those tears were for real and we both know her fight is really with herself, not me. Sometimes it pains me to enforce my boundaries and this is one of those times
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There is nothing like a little space to clear the air.
I know that, for me, the best time to discuss life or problems or boundaries is when everyone is calm and can be respectful enough to listen while one person finishes and then has their say too.
So take a big hug and know that this is a good time to take a deep breath and just let the good air flow in and out.
Hugs
I know that, for me, the best time to discuss life or problems or boundaries is when everyone is calm and can be respectful enough to listen while one person finishes and then has their say too.
So take a big hug and know that this is a good time to take a deep breath and just let the good air flow in and out.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
Do you remember and I say this being a Mom of an AS when
every day was a bad day..anything else was not counted due
to the what will be the next eruption. It appears both you and
your daughter have come a long way when this bad day is noticed.
Your love and acceptance of each other will make this pass
quickly..and you are allowed a weak moment, I know it does
hurt regardless but makes the good times jump forward all the
more when you are both working so diligently.
lauren
every day was a bad day..anything else was not counted due
to the what will be the next eruption. It appears both you and
your daughter have come a long way when this bad day is noticed.
Your love and acceptance of each other will make this pass
quickly..and you are allowed a weak moment, I know it does
hurt regardless but makes the good times jump forward all the
more when you are both working so diligently.
lauren
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Chino)))))) It isn't always easy to live recovery, but the steps you and your daughter are taking are bringing you both ot a better place. I too always find discussions are much more productive once breathing room has been established and clearer minds prevail. Hugs and lots of calming, peaceful thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
(((((Chino!)))))
Same here. My son and I had a terrible argument on Saturday. He was rude and yelling and I just hung up the phone. I know he is having a hard time right now, but I can't maintain my boundaries and take care of his feelings at the same time. Wait...I can't take care of his feelings at all...I felt awful, though...
Let a little time pass......I was able to talk to my son on Monday and tell him calmly that I don't tolerate that behavior from anyone anymore...and I don't. I used to think that setting boundaries was about making him understand what is acceptable behavior. I'm starting (yes, just starting) to understand, though, that setting boundaries is really about me and how I want to be treated.
As far as the feelings, "This, too, shall pass."
Same here. My son and I had a terrible argument on Saturday. He was rude and yelling and I just hung up the phone. I know he is having a hard time right now, but I can't maintain my boundaries and take care of his feelings at the same time. Wait...I can't take care of his feelings at all...I felt awful, though...
Let a little time pass......I was able to talk to my son on Monday and tell him calmly that I don't tolerate that behavior from anyone anymore...and I don't. I used to think that setting boundaries was about making him understand what is acceptable behavior. I'm starting (yes, just starting) to understand, though, that setting boundaries is really about me and how I want to be treated.
As far as the feelings, "This, too, shall pass."
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Sorry Chino - you're a good mom and maybe your HP was leading you to press her up against a wall to face whatever is going on. I applaud you for holding FIRM to your boundries. It ensures YOU that she will limit crossing them again. Could you please send a little of that firmness my way? 
If I know you, you did the right thing...even though it was hard. Gentle hugs from me to you. Addiction sucks all around.
If I know you, you did the right thing...even though it was hard. Gentle hugs from me to you. Addiction sucks all around.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Geez, I relate Chino and there is always tomorrow. My son would sometimes forget yesterday. :ghug3
He hated me for doing it at the time but he always knew my boundaries and it got better.
He hated me for doing it at the time but he always knew my boundaries and it got better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
I too am dealing with this from my AS.. This morning we had a huge blow-up.. He jumped out of the car and walked off.. I had a melt down, wanted to drive after him but knew I needed an adult time out... I was ready to rip his head off.. He knew it. Once we both calmed down he called me.
Stay strong.. I myself am taking it an hour at a time so I dont go CRAZY (I may already be there) but you have to take care of YOU as everyone has told me.
xoxo
Stay strong.. I myself am taking it an hour at a time so I dont go CRAZY (I may already be there) but you have to take care of YOU as everyone has told me.
xoxo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'm so grateful for this place 
There have been several instances lately where I've had the opportunity to teach her and my husband how to treat me. They've all been painful for me to some degree, but it's been necessary and I end up so glad I did.
My husband came home tonight and I gave him the 3 minute readers digest condensed version. Everything was fine until he said "you all can't get along together" in a matter of fact way. I told him "whoa, you don't get to put it on me unless you're OK with her behavior. If you are OK with it, then you and I have a problem together and I won't ignore it." He didn't say another word. Hopefully someday he'll get it. Hopefully, it was today and this lesson doesn't need to be repeated, for any of us.
There have been several instances lately where I've had the opportunity to teach her and my husband how to treat me. They've all been painful for me to some degree, but it's been necessary and I end up so glad I did.
My husband came home tonight and I gave him the 3 minute readers digest condensed version. Everything was fine until he said "you all can't get along together" in a matter of fact way. I told him "whoa, you don't get to put it on me unless you're OK with her behavior. If you are OK with it, then you and I have a problem together and I won't ignore it." He didn't say another word. Hopefully someday he'll get it. Hopefully, it was today and this lesson doesn't need to be repeated, for any of us.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm praying for you guys too. according to what i've been taught all my life, you can't disrespect others, especially your parents and in their own house. i think you did good. i know it may not feel good but don't you think you did what was best for her and you? she'll more than likely appreciate your acrions in the long run, i pray that she does anyway.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Thank you all for the shot of strength I needed
A couple of months ago I told my therapist I realized I'm now the stimulus in my home. With all of us being codies (some in denial lol), how I react or respond has a chain reaction. The buck stops or starts with me and I'm still getting comfortable with it.
I was still having a hard time shaking it, so I decided I needed to call someone who's raised children, familiar with addiction, co-dependency, and recovery. My recovering step mother and I had a wonderful conversation and, after we got off the phone, I sent up a silent prayer thanking my Dad for bringing her into my life.
One day at a time
A couple of months ago I told my therapist I realized I'm now the stimulus in my home. With all of us being codies (some in denial lol), how I react or respond has a chain reaction. The buck stops or starts with me and I'm still getting comfortable with it.
I was still having a hard time shaking it, so I decided I needed to call someone who's raised children, familiar with addiction, co-dependency, and recovery. My recovering step mother and I had a wonderful conversation and, after we got off the phone, I sent up a silent prayer thanking my Dad for bringing her into my life.
One day at a time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My daughter met with her psychiatrist yesterday and told me this morning she needs more inspiration/motivation from me. Like the still self absorbed individual she is, she wouldn't shut up long enough to let me speak. No screaming or nasty attitude but there were more tears from her. I finally walked away and typed this out, gave it to her:
I'm glad we're communicating but I really wish it didn't have to be so darn painful or strenuous. Truth is, I'm really no different from her in that I want an easier way dealing with stuff
I figured it would be better to type this out than to talk right now.
I understand everything you've said and I wish I could help you more, but I can't, at least not right now. Everything I'm about to say is from the bottom of my heart and I hope you're able to understand.
I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my own recovery from not only this addiction, but my life itself. I'm having a hard enough time motivating myself and it's taking everything I've got to pull myself up out of the damage of my life. Some has been of my doing, what I've allowed, and the rest has been from me lacking adequate coping skills.
Over the last two years, I've come to realize how co-dependent I am and that I've not had boundaries or ones I'm willing to enforce. Without those boundaries, I've allowed you and others to define me and my actions. Without boundaries, I've been in a constant state of inappropriate reaction instead of appropriate response. Without boundaries, my personal identity becomes blurry.
I can't motivate or inspire you right now any more than you can do that for me, and I'm not asking that of you. If I try to motivate/inspire you, then I end up not doing that for myself because you have become my focus. If I make you my focus, then I start trying to control you instead of myself, and end up blaming you for whatever I haven't done for myself. The best solution, and the safest one for both if us, is for me to have clearly defined rules and boundaries and you honor them.
It will get better, the further along we both get in our separate, individual recoveries. It already has, to be honest. You inspired me to own my issues and find help. Just like you, I'm a work in progress and my recovery has to be for life, too.
I understand everything you've said and I wish I could help you more, but I can't, at least not right now. Everything I'm about to say is from the bottom of my heart and I hope you're able to understand.
I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my own recovery from not only this addiction, but my life itself. I'm having a hard enough time motivating myself and it's taking everything I've got to pull myself up out of the damage of my life. Some has been of my doing, what I've allowed, and the rest has been from me lacking adequate coping skills.
Over the last two years, I've come to realize how co-dependent I am and that I've not had boundaries or ones I'm willing to enforce. Without those boundaries, I've allowed you and others to define me and my actions. Without boundaries, I've been in a constant state of inappropriate reaction instead of appropriate response. Without boundaries, my personal identity becomes blurry.
I can't motivate or inspire you right now any more than you can do that for me, and I'm not asking that of you. If I try to motivate/inspire you, then I end up not doing that for myself because you have become my focus. If I make you my focus, then I start trying to control you instead of myself, and end up blaming you for whatever I haven't done for myself. The best solution, and the safest one for both if us, is for me to have clearly defined rules and boundaries and you honor them.
It will get better, the further along we both get in our separate, individual recoveries. It already has, to be honest. You inspired me to own my issues and find help. Just like you, I'm a work in progress and my recovery has to be for life, too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Chino)) - when I need to tell my dad something and I REALLY need him to hear me, I e-mail him. Some people think it's crazy, considering we live in the same house, but it works better for us. There's just too much emotion, some times - I'm just as guilty about this as he is. When it's written out, it gives us more time to absorb it.
I like what you wrote and I hope she understands, but even if she doesn't get it, right away, she will.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I like what you wrote and I hope she understands, but even if she doesn't get it, right away, she will.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
She 'got it' and thank goodness. She doesn't want/need the responsibility of my stuff any more than I want/need hers. She was pretty bummed about it though and I told her I was too. I said anything I understand is because I've been there. I know she's scared, just like I was when I let go. We're all having growing pains around here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Chino)) - the growing pains hurt. I've had similar situations with dad, and am working on keeping my own boundaries. I've had to tell him "I can't BE your sole source of support..I just can't do it!!" a few times.
I honestly think my addiction recovery is easier than this codie stuff
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I honestly think my addiction recovery is easier than this codie stuff
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I honestly think my addiction recovery is easier than this codie stuff
She's not handcuffing herself to old friends (including the old bf) like she used to, but she's still allowing them to weigh her down. Then here I am, making sure we don't end up handcuffed again. Earlier I mentioned a chain reaction and now I'm thinking about the domino effect, because that's the game she grabbed today on her way out the door. Oh the irony!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Chino
All I can say is you did well! Probably better than I could have done, and God knows I've had tons of practice.
I do believe this was a good thing because it gives you and your daughter a time to think over the situation. It also shows your daughter that you are sticking to your boundaries.
What other options did you have but to do this? NONE!
I'm proud of the way you handled yourself!
Hugs, Devastatrd
I do believe this was a good thing because it gives you and your daughter a time to think over the situation. It also shows your daughter that you are sticking to your boundaries.
What other options did you have but to do this? NONE!
I'm proud of the way you handled yourself!
Hugs, Devastatrd
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and support. I have learned so much from all of you. The word of the week for me is willingness
I heard that word before many times but it didn't start to stick until I read someone's story here. I talked to my recovering stepmother again (I've got to find a better way of describing her), and she said my daughter and I were further along than she and hers. My stepsister is an active alcoholic.
That's when it really hit me how fortunate I am that my daughter is willing, too. Pain and all, this is something special right now and I'm grateful.
I heard that word before many times but it didn't start to stick until I read someone's story here. I talked to my recovering stepmother again (I've got to find a better way of describing her), and she said my daughter and I were further along than she and hers. My stepsister is an active alcoholic.
That's when it really hit me how fortunate I am that my daughter is willing, too. Pain and all, this is something special right now and I'm grateful.
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