Forgiveness

Old 03-07-2010, 01:41 PM
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Forgiveness

I'm having a really hard time forgiving myself.

For being so naive.
For being so easily manipulated.
For letting myself literally become sick with stress.
For caring too much.
For making him a priority.
For still thinking about him even when I'm trying to move on.
For loving someone who is unable to love back.
For letting this go on for so long without establishing a boundary.

Grrr! I'm mad at myself and I'm just beating myself up kind of. It's easier to forgive someone who is clueless, its hard to forgive myself when I knew this was a bad situation walking into it. A friend of mine told me that I shouldn't feel bad for having faith in the good in people. That helped to think about it that way.

I'm just so sick of thinking about this. I'm sick of talking about alcoholism, codependency and healing. I just want to heal now! LOL. I read and read and obsess, get angry...feel at peace, even at times. But when it comes down to it I am just ughh...I feel disgusted with myself....Running stuff over in my head over and over....I think that's part of the reason I'm down.

I exercise and do all the things you're supposed to do...but I still just feel so low about myself sometimes I don't want to do anything. And all this anger! It's like anger, depression, anger, depression, anger depression...and then a glimmer of peace. I have so much hatred I don't know what to do with it. Yuck.

What's everyone's experience with forgiving themselves?
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Old 03-07-2010, 01:57 PM
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I could have written that myself... we are exactly in the same place. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I started a relationship with my XABF. Except, he was only drinking the first week of our relationship. He's a 20 year alcoholic who is now in his seventh month of sobriety, which we didn't make it through. He may not be drinking... but the other stuff (manipulation, shady behavior, etc.) is all still there.

I try to think about it the way your friend advised you, but it's not easy sometimes. I still miss him, I still love him, but I am also so very angry. At him and myself.

I know it will get better eventually, if I keep doing the right thing and making good decisions. But right now? Right now it just sucks.
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Old 03-07-2010, 02:04 PM
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thank you for your reply.

yeah, it really does. It sucks so bad. My roommate's grandpa just died and I feel so stupid for being torn up about all of this. People have been through worse, but I'm just so heartbroken. Yet I am angry as hell!

I don't know, I really think i need some medication. Because I feel very stuck and hopeless. Very, very depressing situation. All around. I just hate that I love him, still! Grr.

I'm just so happy to have people who are supportive...thanks!
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Old 03-07-2010, 02:10 PM
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I told my AH for a good year that he needed to sober up or leave. Instead, he got a girlfriend that drank more than he did, hid that affair from me, came home every night for weeks, drunk, telling me what a piece of crap I was and that he was leaving me. I cried and begged him not to leave me. Told him I would change.

all the things he listed as reasons for my piece of crap status were true.

After I discovered the affair, I left for a tropical island for a month. Left him with the kids. My sister lives there. When I arrived, I realized that I was in absolute torture over the things he had told me. The way he'd taken my inventory.

I told myself that I deserved for him to leave me. I deserved for him to find happiness in someone elses arms, bring her to my house.

So, I came up with a phrase to say, outloud, to myself, every time I started beating myself up.

I forgive you, Transformie, for not knowing then what you know now. I forgive you and lovingly set you free.

It took the full month I was there, but I successfully reprogrammed myself.

You can too.
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Old 03-07-2010, 02:13 PM
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Mary, have you set any goals for yourself that have nothing to do with him and/or codependency? You say you exercise. Do you have a challenge or a goal you've set for yourself?

This winter, I decided to learn a sport that really scared me and was hard for me. I did it because I knew that while I was participating in it, I was only going to be able to think about what I was doing right then. Even if it was for just an hour or two a day, it was an hour or two of pure focused thought. Then it became really fun, but still pure focused thought. After that, I set another goal with another sport (riding my bike). So I have MORE time each day and week where I have this break from thinking about him. It's scary to ride in traffic; that one hill is really hard; I go farther all the time; I get stronger. Each day, I spend more and more time focusing on me in a good way - like how much I'm progressing - and less about him or me in a bad way (my codie issues, why he didn't try harder for us etc).

I'm not at that point of forgiveness. When I think about him, I'm either sad or angry. But like you, I just got tired of thinking about it ALL THE TIME. So I got busy with other things and I figure, with time, once I've really worked through all the anger and bad feelings (a little each day or week, not all day every day), I'll be able to forgive.

For now though, I'm just trying to get through it in a healthy way, which is to maintain balance and give myself (my heart and my mind) a break from thinking about why I did this and why I didn't and why he did that and and and. It's exhausting.
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Old 03-07-2010, 02:17 PM
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This winter, I decided to learn a sport that really scared me and was hard for me. I did it because I knew that while I was participating in it, I was only going to be able to think about what I was doing right then. Even if it was for just an hour or two a day, it was an hour or two of pure focused thought. Then it became really fun, but still pure focused thought.
Sa-weet! This is why I practice Bikram yoga. It's hard and teaches me that I can do hard things. Shows me how strong I am.
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Old 03-07-2010, 02:54 PM
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Yeah, that really gets me thinking KP.

I've always wanted to learn the correct way to sing and it's scary as hell singing in front of people...

I have this guitar I never learned to play...

haha, now is definitely the time. The hard part is getting up and doing it. I can't even get my school work done. At this point, thinking and reading about this stuff is just as much as a distraction as it is torture!

Learning a new hobby was on really helpful list somewhere in the forum I think Ann's "Things you should do even if you don't feel like it" or something.

Its all so annoying at this point too. I can't picture a day where I don't think about it and have a twinge of anger or sadness. It's like watching someone get hurt ya no how you shut your eyes and shudder? Ouch! That's what it feels like. Except that person falling off the bike is me and its just a really painful memory that plays over and over.

I definitely need to engage my brain! But I don't wanna make the effort sometimes.

And transform, IDK how ur standin girl!
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Old 03-07-2010, 02:55 PM
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I'm the same way when it comes to forgiving myself - I just recently realized how judgemental I really am when it comes to things I do wrong (so I'm just now starting to work on it - or at least try to). I'm going to address that issue with my counselor when I see her next week. Are you seeing a counselor or have you thought about seeing one - maybe they can help you work through some of that stuff??

I've noticed that I tend to go through phases - just like you describe - anger, sadness, peace and then it repeats itself. There are times when all I want is work on myself (visit SR daily, work in my self-help book, journal, etc. - really kind of obsess about it a little) and then I go into a phase at times where I'm sooo sick of having to work on myself and just let it all go (which usually doesn't end well because I tend to fall back into depressive, self-loathing mode). But I think noticing your phases, moods and thinking patterns is the first step to getting better (because then you can plan ahead and figure out what you need to work on).

The book (DBT skills book, M. McKay) I'm working with right now (it deals a lot with mindfulness - so maybe not for everyone) suggests to let go of judgements by using a visualization technique - i.e. imagine sitting in a field watching your judgements float away on clouds. It also suggests that when we spend a lot of time obsessing over our thoughts and judgements, it's easy to get lost in fantasies about how the world should be, so it's important to recognize and seperate our judgements and fantasies from what's really happening in the moment (i.e. become aware of your physical senses - what do you hear, see, smell, touch, taste). (Haven't tried any of this yet - so I'm not sure how this works).

Another thing that might be helpful is using self-affirming statements, such as: I might have some faults, but I'm still a wonderful/ good/ amazing person - I accept myself for who I am - each day I do the best I can. You can put self-affirming statements on sticky notes and post them on mirrors or computer or places where you will see them A LOT.

I'm not sure if this was of help (I'm still kinda trying to figure all this out for myself).

Just remember to accept yourself for who you are!!! It is ok to feel your feelings and you can use your past "mistakes" and learn from them.
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Old 03-07-2010, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound View Post
Except that person falling off the bike is me and its just a really painful memory that plays over and over.
I try to reason with myself when I start obsessing over past events. I try to tell myself that there is nothing I can do about it now - it's in the past - allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling for a bit - and then when it starts to overwhelm me and starts plying on loop I try to distract myself (until I'm better able to deal with the pain, hurt, or whatever other negative feeling) as KP has already pointed out.
At times it works, other times it doesn't (and I end up posting here or talk these feelings out with someone else to get rid of them - get myself help).
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Old 03-07-2010, 03:07 PM
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Thank you Lotus. Very useful ideas. I'm very big into self-help, but yeah I just get so exhausted/sick of it.

I need to find a counselor...and I think I need some medication. I'm definitely pretty depressed. I've struggled with depression in the past and it can be very hard to dig myself out. I'm having a hard time staying present...I just think and how stupid I was! Dang!

Yeah I need a place to vent. The few friends that do understand the situation are probably just as sick of all this as I am..and frankly, I'm tired of talking about him and moving on. It all I think about, so its hard to engage with others sometimes. Yuck.
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Old 03-07-2010, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound View Post
few friends that do understand the situation are probably just as sick of all this as I am..and frankly, I'm tired of talking about him and moving on. It all I think about, so its hard to engage with others sometimes. Yuck.
I hear you! I think it is important to vent and let out your feelings but I really do get sick of it when I feel like all I'm doing is talking and thinking about my problems ALL THE TIME! I still live with AH and people who know the situation tend to ask how things are going and I inevitably end up talking about it. BUT there are some friends that have no idea and I really enjoy hanging out with them, because I get to focus on something else, and can enjoy time away from my problems. For me it's important to have both - people who listen to my vent and people I can just hang out with!
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