transformyself

I feel sick. I feel like throwing up. I am crying, confused, angry, hurt, feeling horrible about myself and feeling like I screwed up because he asked me to stop talking about OW and I didn't.

He went out to the bar last night and she was there and he talked to her, he says he is disgusted by her now but when I tried to talk to him about her, about what happenned, he told me to stop but I didn't so he freaked out and told me this will never end you are so damaged that we can't be together first he asked me to wait until we go to counceling but I couldn't let it go we had a horrible horrible fight and he has "ended" it again so I'm left feeling so enraged and hurt and like a loser. Like I really screwed up. See? If I had just kept my mouth shut this wouldn't have happened. Now he doesn't want to go to counceling with me, why? Because I didn't shut the hell up when he wanted me to. Why should I have hugged you? he asked me when i told him that was all I wanted. What about me? he said..

I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unimaginable

suki44883

Awww...don't feel too badly. You believed him, or rather, wanted to believe him and you found out you were wrong. It happens. We can know, logically, that it's not going to work, but then, they say just the right thing in just the right way, that we grasp onto that little glimmer of hope, only to have it snatched away.

He's actually done you a favor. He snatched the possibility away before you'd had a lot of time to actually think it might work. Sure, you're still hurting, but it could have been so much worse had he dragged it out for several weeks.

Take extra good care of yourself and eliminate all contact with him unless it is absolutely necessary. Get away from the drama and give yourself time to get your head back on straight. (((((HUGS)))))

transformyself

Thanks Suki. You know what's going to happen right? He will text me tomorrow, he will be super sweet and when I'm cold to him ask why does it have to be this way?

I can't believe how heartbroken I am AND feeling like it's my fault. I'm furious!

suki44883

Well, you don't have to be cold. You don't have to be anything. Just don't reply to the text. In fact, it would be best if you didn't even read it. Make that delete button your best friend for a while. He can't hurt you if he can't talk to you. I know it's hard and we are curious by nature, but if you can force yourself not to have any contact whatsoever, it will become easier. You will get stronger the longer you have no interaction with him. You can do this.

transformyself

Great advice, as now he's sending me picture of us happy and hugging. Why? He just told me he doesn't want to work on anything. Is he insane?

I'm turning off the phone and going to bed. Too bad you're not my neighbor Suki, I'd come over and make you eat brownies with me...

DesertEyes

Hey there Transform

Sounds to me like you had a bit of a "Codie-relapse". I had those too, before I went no-contact with my ex. I dunno what's worse, the feelings of being used by my ex, or the anger at myself for being so stupid and falling for it again.

The good thing about relapses is that I have been able to learn from them. As I got more practice at this whole recovery thing I had less of them, and they became less intense too. What I learned is that I'm not perfect, I've got this "disease" of "codie-ism" and sometimes I just goof it up.

After my divorce I tried a little dating. Oh boy, talk about codie relapses. I was the poster boy for how to mess up a date. After a while of that I got better at it. Now I have a wonderful g/f and you know what?

I _still_ goof up from time to time.

Those brownies and that bed sound like a great idea. And tomorow come on back here and get some more support and encouragement from all us alanoids.

Mike

Lotus2009

Aww .... ((((Transformyself))))

Take a deep breath and tell yourself that this too shall pass!

BTW, he should be the one feeling bad (not YOU) - he obviously is not ready yet to really work on your relationship. I know OW issues can be BIG triggers (!) and it might take you a while to work through it (AND he needs to understand that and be patient and compassionate AND let you talk about the OW if that is what you need in order to work through the issue)!!!

I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt, and sad - and please don't beat yourself up over it - eat yummy brownies (chocolate always helps ), try to put your focus on something else (until all those bad feelings aren't so overwhelming anymore - then you can look at them more clearly), and try to get a good nights rest! Then tomorrow you can regain your strength and move forward! We are all here for you!

HUGS!

Jadmack25

Oh Transformie, I posted on your other thread, about him and going to counselling together.
Quote from that: If he baulks at the first jump, then you will know where you are at and you can decide what YOU do then.

If you are not totally decided about this relationship, the results of the exercise (if it takes place or he reneges on it) may enable you to make a final decision, and get you off the hook.

He not only didn't take the jump, he tossed you off as well.



Don't get back on this nag again, he will keep leading you up to the jump and send you flying over and over.

Let him enjoy the garbage he drinks etc, with and get yourself a man, one who isn't still being bottle fed.

NC is the way to go, hell tho it is but at least you get to choose to have the pain while being cured of your addiction, not have it inflicted by a jerk and his actions.

Don't feel guilty or that this is YOUR fault, it isn't. You need certain things from a relationship partner and HE is unable and unwilling to listen to you.

His loss, and tough on him. Leaves you free to care, love and pamper yourself and not worry over him.

God bless

posiesperson

Ohhhhhhhh...transform....my thoughts are with you this morning.

Been there, done that. My A STILL defends an affair (the other person is married) that ended just before my relationship with them began. It was "all upfront" but then when I had an issue with them meeting behind closed doors with that person, it has been a BFD ever since then. There were promises to tell me when contact occurred (and sometimes I wasn't told); I wanted details; the details just about killed me; I wanted to go to counseling about it and was told that we had only been together for a few months, therefore my A wasn't willing to go to counseling; last summer was wracked with pain about this and then there was FINALLY the apology about pain all of this caused--and that was after I broke up with my A and there was reportedly NC going on with the "other" (now I'm very suspicious there has been contact I've not been told about). Then there was last week, when my A brought it up again, as in, "WHY did I have to give that person up in my life? Why couldn't you just deal with it?" WTF?

See, transform, this is the hamster-wheel. I'm finally understanding it myself. You can't win with the hamster wheel, it will not lead anywhere, it's a big ol' energy user-upper and gets you nowhere. Ultimately in these places we have a choice: like it or lump it, but either way, it has to be let go.

I haven't let go of it, and that in part is due to my codie-ness and the work I have yet to do, but the other part is that the whole situation just stinks to high heaven. And it's my A's stinking mess, not mine. I can walk away and find fresh air, or I can sit and tolerate the stench until the fumes dissipate.

No right or wrong, here. I understand the pain of it all. What do you need for YOU?

Sending hugs,
posie

Learn2Live

Until you decide to get clean and sober (get OFF the rollercoaster) you will continue to have this type of problem.

How do you know that he was with her at the bar last night?

MissFixit

Dear Transform,

So sorry you are feeling hurt.

This man is still drinking and talking with OW. Nothing has changed. Only his words to you have changed, right?

Are you two separated?

JenT1968

If I had a penny for every time my optimistic heart had run with flimsy evidence, throw away comments, promises that had been broken many times before and woven a future full of hope with it I would be a significantly wealthy woman.

CRASH, down it all tumbled, every time, millions of times, each time made worse by the self-flagellation (how could I be so stupid AGAIN). I've been on this site YEARS and still now if he treats me with the vaguest nod towards the decency that I would expect in any human interaction (returns my hello at the door) castle building starts in a corner of my brain. It's a far less solid thought, it doesn't take over my whole brain, and I can see it happening and blow it out in seconds now. But its like a ghost of a habit: not entirely gone yet.

Just like every time he doesn't turn up for contact and doesn't ring/text to cancel (happens AT LEAST once a week) a thought pops up that perhaps he is lying in a ditch/hospital/police cell, because who would let their kids down like that? a ghost thought:

neither of these ghost thoughts hurt me any more, and your turn-around happened in 24hrs this time? how are you doing now, is this going to ruin your month/week/tomorrow?

So you made a mistake? you wanted to believe and hope, how very HUMAN. Forgive yourself, this is a process, pick yourself up, dust yourself down, give yourself a huge hug recognising how briliant you are and move forward.

coffeedrinker

because you wanted to.


if he is still "a drunk" as you say, then it will never be as you wish it to be.

sometimes we do have to revisit step one.
don't beat yourself up. these are the lessons we learn from.

:ghug3

wicked

Oh my transform, I have been here before. With my addicted ex-husband, the trouble I went to to hurt myself saw no bounds. He still wanted me to take care of him, but under his terms, which was under his thumb. yep.

Yes, this is typical of the last attempts to reconcile with my ex. Somehow, I was supposed to be relieved that he spoke badly about the OW, but just as quickly he would tell me how damaged I was and I was destined to be a cold, blackhearted bitch like my father. Nice, huh? I ended up feeling less than what I was and dejected and useless.

Well, of course you don't get a chance at counselling or even a hug. Why?
Because you didn't behave yourself. He can't attempt any reconciliation with someone who is growing and changing, you are no longer the quiet, suck it up until i get emotionally, physically and spiritually ill woman who would do anything to hold on to this prize of a man. When you get that he does not deserve you, then you will be free.

and unmanageable. :ghug3

posiesperson

Transform,

Thought I'd share something I heard this very recently from a many-years-recovering alcoholic: he told me that his wife (of more than 30 years) stayed with him for one reason, and one reason only: that he was such a great manipulator. He said "Addicts are chameleons. Do you like being played?"

I've met his wife. They are in a good place now because they BOTH work their recovery EVERY DAY. Some of those 30+ years have been horrendous for her.

And you know what? This guy doesn't want that for me. No, he told me, "Get out of this relationship, get out of your house and find someone healthy. Those people do exist, you know..."

I'm still working on that sage advice, but thought I'd share in case it helps.

Thinking of you,
posie

Learn2Live

I am sure this man means well and I don't want to hijack this thread, I just want to say that I recommend finding your Higher Power first. You can go find someone healthy but how healthy are YOU?

posiesperson

Agreed, agreed, agreed. Yes I think he means well, and yes I think working with myself and my HP is the first step. His point, though, is well-taken, in terms of choosing the kind of people I want to spend my time with, and not waiting for my A to get into recovery.

I know I'm not yet ready for a healthy relationship until I have a healthy relationship with myself. Gettin' there!

posie

wanting

I don't know if I'd call this the end of it all. It looks to me like a very good situation to bring up in counseling, one that is typical of your usual problems. Something happens that makes you trigger, AH abandons you physically and verbally, you feel helpless, etc. Was he a jerk? Yes. But it seems like you both just repeated a communication pattern in your relationship. Perfect scenario to bring up in marriage counseling. You'll be able to say in front of a marriage counselor, "AH, when you said X, I felt Y..."

transformyself

I"m going to print out this thread and carry it with me.

I'll try to get to all these questions soon, but for now I want to say that one of my biggest triggers is knowing he's worked through his issues about OW. We've talked about it over the past month or so. I have extracted myself from him, which is what he wanted so he could figure out why he kept going back to her again and again.

I believe him when he says he thinks he was "in love" with the fantasy of a relationship but not her as a person. and when he sees and talks to her he's faced with the reality of who she is compared with his fantasy. That's the thrust of affairs anyway and we didn't go to counceling to deal with it when he came home so his fantasy of her when life with me was hard kept growing.

Recently he's talked to me at length about this and I believe he has sorted much of it out. I believe him that he went to the bar to talk to his buddy and she was there (she's always there) and she talked to him, but he was uncomfortable and so was everyone else. I believe him that he didn't go there to seek her out. He wanted to see his buddy and hang out with him.

But none of that matters. What matters is that when i trust him, when I consider being close to him, he is so unstable that he will drink, or be hungover, or be needing a drink, and say crazy sh1t to me that is very upsetting, then scramble the next day to make it better. He doesn't know how to be consistently respectful, kind and thoughtful. He can do it, and it is part of who he is, but because he's an A he is a master manipulator, just like Posie's friend illustrated.

But that doesn't matter either.

And it doesn't matter that he's sent me three texts this morning, saying he loves me too much to let me go and he''ll prioritize find counceling this week for us and we aren't allowed to have conversations like that anymore because they always end up the same.

The only things that matter to me is that I cried alone in the cold garage last night.
While my kids watched a movie alone without their mommy.
After a wonderful date with a kind person that made me feel like a princess.

I guess the biggest breakthrough for me is that when Miss Fixit said this
I don't feel defensive. I can hear her. I want to make excuses, I want to say, well, yes he is but he didn't like talking to her and that's change.

But he's not changed. He still rages at me when I trigger. When we tried reconciling after he lived with that scumbag 8 blocks away from me and the kids in our house, he tried very hard for a little while, but then started waking me up, drunk, and telling me he was divorcing me. Nothing has changed MIss Fixit. You are right.

He told me all sorts of things last night, which I will now choose to believe and accept:

I am not willing to go no contact with her
I am not capable of being compassionate with you when you trigger.


That's what I need to remember, not the texts saying he loves me. Because I am not willing to go through this ridiculous crap any longer.

transformyself

This is really why I wanted to get into counceling, to have a third person there to help with the communication. And a huge source of my frustration. We are repeating a communicaition pattern in our relationship.

And I have found my higher power. That's the one thing I know without doubt.