My mega codependent relapse!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My mega codependent relapse!
After reading what Callie is currently going through, I decided it was finally time to share DeVon's mega super duper codependent relapse.
I hadn't been around SR much till recently, due to a heavy load in college, but also due to the fact that I turned into a raving, foaming-at-the-mouth, full-blown insane codependent for about a month.
Some of you may recall that Amber moved out last September shortly after her dog Toby had died. Things were already strained between us, and the straw that broke the camel's back was when she brought home a dog and essentially dumped the poor little guy on me, and then she was never home.
We did not part on good terms.
She has since then been living with the BF and his mother.
Things calmed down, and I was enjoying being an empty nester. Amber and I patched things up.
There were/are things about the BF that I see as red flags, but I was doing pretty well about keeping my unsolicited opinions to myself.
Somewhere along the way, while I was dealing with issues of my own, I lost my conscious contact with my higher power. I moved away from God.
What happens when I do that? All those old character defects that I used to react to start to creep back in.
So there I am, with no conscious contact. I have moved away from God.
Guess what happens during that period of time?
The adviser/trustee of Amber's trust fund from her paternal grandparents told Amber that everything was going to be liquidated and turned over to her.
Originally she was to get 25% at age 25, another 25% at age 30, and the rest at age 35.
However, so much had been paid out for medical bills (including a knee surgery because her father never carried health insurance on her), over half the trust fund had already been used up.
Now mind you, this was still a good chunk of change she was going to get. The trustee did suggest she get a financial adviser locally, but she declined and had the entire amount wired into her checking account.
Do you see where I am heading on this?
The hamster wheel was going round and round in my head. Here are the voices in my head:
"She'll do fine. Have faith she'll use the money wisely."
"But the BF is unemployed, and isn't making much effort at finding another job!"
"Oh wait, he's a disabled vet who served in Iraq...he does have good qualities."
"Come on, I've got disabilities too, and I'm furthering my education so I can find work in a field that doesn't exacerbate my disabilities."
There it is. The crazy-making conversations in my head. I'm so wrapped up in 'her stuff' and 'his stuff' that I'm nuts. It just keeps getting worse and worse.
It just so happened that a few days before she got the funds, her BF had a childhood friend succumb to a brain hemorrhage (at age 32), and so she being the kind person she is, she offered to foot the bill for the trip up to NY (2 day drive there, they took his truck at 12 mpg) for the funeral.
At that point, the hamster wheel in my head is going so fast that flames are shooting out. I am absolutely, positively 100% terrified all that money is going to be gone in a flurry of irresponsible spending, and she'll be sitting there with a broken heart and a broken bank account.
Fear is very very ugly when it's driving your life.
I wasn't sleeping well, my eating habits were crap, and instead of working through the fear by calling my sponsor (which was the first thing that popped into my head), I did it DeVon's way.
I got angry. I got really really angry. Anger's a great mask over fear.
So I called my daughter while they were up in NY for the funeral of a 32 year old man, and gave it to her with both barrels.
I said things that should never have been said. I did a lot of damage.
I've since spent the last month having to look at what I did, and acknowledge that I moved away from God. I was wrong.
I had to make amends. The BF refused to accept my amends until yesterday, which was the first time he has spoken to me since I spewed my crap all over Amber on the phone.
God is either everything, or he is nothing.
I hurt my daughter. I hurt our relationship. I hurt the civil relationship I did have with her BF till I dove off the cliff.
God is either everything, or he is nothing.
My daughter has the right to make her own choices in life, free of a raving lunatic codependent mother.
I learned a huge lesson in humility.
In spite of all the fears that I had, do you know what my daughter did of her own accord, and by her own choice?
She invested in some big items she had dreamed of having some day, all related to her love of/work with horses.
She finally got a truck and a brand new horse trailer. It's a very nice used, but newer truck, and she did far better at vehicle-shopping than I would have done. It's got a nice tow package on it that works great with the horse trailer.
She passed up a used, but very expensive horse trailer (with living quarters) for a new one that has a warranty, no living quarters, but just right for three horses. It was less than the used one.
She paid off her car and put it up for sale.
She put money in an IRA and put almost half of what she got from the trust fund in mutual funds after seeking out a financial adviser here locally.
She did all of that in spite of having a mother who had gone off the deep end back into old codependent ways.
God is either everything, or he is nothing. Today I'm letting God do the driving. It hurts a lot less.
I hadn't been around SR much till recently, due to a heavy load in college, but also due to the fact that I turned into a raving, foaming-at-the-mouth, full-blown insane codependent for about a month.
Some of you may recall that Amber moved out last September shortly after her dog Toby had died. Things were already strained between us, and the straw that broke the camel's back was when she brought home a dog and essentially dumped the poor little guy on me, and then she was never home.
We did not part on good terms.
She has since then been living with the BF and his mother.
Things calmed down, and I was enjoying being an empty nester. Amber and I patched things up.
There were/are things about the BF that I see as red flags, but I was doing pretty well about keeping my unsolicited opinions to myself.
Somewhere along the way, while I was dealing with issues of my own, I lost my conscious contact with my higher power. I moved away from God.
What happens when I do that? All those old character defects that I used to react to start to creep back in.
So there I am, with no conscious contact. I have moved away from God.
Guess what happens during that period of time?
The adviser/trustee of Amber's trust fund from her paternal grandparents told Amber that everything was going to be liquidated and turned over to her.
Originally she was to get 25% at age 25, another 25% at age 30, and the rest at age 35.
However, so much had been paid out for medical bills (including a knee surgery because her father never carried health insurance on her), over half the trust fund had already been used up.
Now mind you, this was still a good chunk of change she was going to get. The trustee did suggest she get a financial adviser locally, but she declined and had the entire amount wired into her checking account.
Do you see where I am heading on this?
The hamster wheel was going round and round in my head. Here are the voices in my head:
"She'll do fine. Have faith she'll use the money wisely."
"But the BF is unemployed, and isn't making much effort at finding another job!"
"Oh wait, he's a disabled vet who served in Iraq...he does have good qualities."
"Come on, I've got disabilities too, and I'm furthering my education so I can find work in a field that doesn't exacerbate my disabilities."
There it is. The crazy-making conversations in my head. I'm so wrapped up in 'her stuff' and 'his stuff' that I'm nuts. It just keeps getting worse and worse.
It just so happened that a few days before she got the funds, her BF had a childhood friend succumb to a brain hemorrhage (at age 32), and so she being the kind person she is, she offered to foot the bill for the trip up to NY (2 day drive there, they took his truck at 12 mpg) for the funeral.
At that point, the hamster wheel in my head is going so fast that flames are shooting out. I am absolutely, positively 100% terrified all that money is going to be gone in a flurry of irresponsible spending, and she'll be sitting there with a broken heart and a broken bank account.
Fear is very very ugly when it's driving your life.
I wasn't sleeping well, my eating habits were crap, and instead of working through the fear by calling my sponsor (which was the first thing that popped into my head), I did it DeVon's way.
I got angry. I got really really angry. Anger's a great mask over fear.
So I called my daughter while they were up in NY for the funeral of a 32 year old man, and gave it to her with both barrels.
I said things that should never have been said. I did a lot of damage.
I've since spent the last month having to look at what I did, and acknowledge that I moved away from God. I was wrong.
I had to make amends. The BF refused to accept my amends until yesterday, which was the first time he has spoken to me since I spewed my crap all over Amber on the phone.
God is either everything, or he is nothing.
I hurt my daughter. I hurt our relationship. I hurt the civil relationship I did have with her BF till I dove off the cliff.
God is either everything, or he is nothing.
My daughter has the right to make her own choices in life, free of a raving lunatic codependent mother.
I learned a huge lesson in humility.
In spite of all the fears that I had, do you know what my daughter did of her own accord, and by her own choice?
She invested in some big items she had dreamed of having some day, all related to her love of/work with horses.
She finally got a truck and a brand new horse trailer. It's a very nice used, but newer truck, and she did far better at vehicle-shopping than I would have done. It's got a nice tow package on it that works great with the horse trailer.
She passed up a used, but very expensive horse trailer (with living quarters) for a new one that has a warranty, no living quarters, but just right for three horses. It was less than the used one.
She paid off her car and put it up for sale.
She put money in an IRA and put almost half of what she got from the trust fund in mutual funds after seeking out a financial adviser here locally.
She did all of that in spite of having a mother who had gone off the deep end back into old codependent ways.
God is either everything, or he is nothing. Today I'm letting God do the driving. It hurts a lot less.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DeVon))) - I'm sorry that you had a rough time, but you're human, sweetie. I think when we slip, sometimes, we do it really, really good. In fact we don't "slip"..nah, we slide down, head first at a zillion miles an hour.
The good thing is, you found your toolbelt and picked yourself back up. Amber did the right things because she's been shown how by a darned good mom....she HAS been listening and paying attention, all those years when you thought she wasn't. I'm glad that she, the bf and you are back on speaking terms. Yes, damage has been done, but when we are speaking again, there is a chance for healing.
Big hugs and prayers...you've had a rough time, lately!!
Amy
The good thing is, you found your toolbelt and picked yourself back up. Amber did the right things because she's been shown how by a darned good mom....she HAS been listening and paying attention, all those years when you thought she wasn't. I'm glad that she, the bf and you are back on speaking terms. Yes, damage has been done, but when we are speaking again, there is a chance for healing.
Big hugs and prayers...you've had a rough time, lately!!
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thank you for this post. I've been wondering why you've been MIA. Reading your post made me feel better about my sitch. It's a great reminder to turn it over to God. God will be with us, He won't give us more than we can handle (though I'm kinda ?ing it lately! 
) Thank you for your post Freedom. I'm going to take a knee and say a prayer right now. Thank you for reminding me to do so.
) Thank you for your post Freedom. I'm going to take a knee and say a prayer right now. Thank you for reminding me to do so.
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