TheNewGirl

Whoa. I totally lost my cool. If there was a point system in Al Anon, where every time we practiced an Al Anon tactic, we got a point, I just lost all my points. And am probably in the negative.
And the recipient of my outburst wasn't even my qualifier (the Alcoholic in my life). [But I don't even know which forum this should be posted in...]

Is there a forum specifically for co-dependents? What about a forum for the Adult Children of Codependents?

I just blew up at my mom. She's a relationship addict. A minor infraction occured, and rather than "let it go," I forgot ALL of my Al Anon tools & teachings... I wasn't on guard & prepared with them with her, cause she's not my qualifier!!!

She hit my buttons. She didn't stop. And I lost all my cool points, because I didn't take care of me. I didn't watch my boundaries. I blew up. Aaaaggghhhhh I am so dissappointed with myself!

I KNOW I did wrong, so please, don't post about what I did wrong. I know I can only control myself, not others. I know I can't change her, cure her, & I didn't cause her to be the way she is. I know.

I just need a hug right now. I just need to feel that I AM worthy of being loved. Even though I make mistakes. Even though I am not perfect. I wasn't ever good enough to be loved by my mom, ever perfect enough. So WHY do I feel like I NEED her to love me??!

Pelican

(((TNG)))

Moms! Don't get me started.

I turned back into "that girl" once and scared my daughter. Btw, it wasn't my alcoholic that triggered the release of "that girl".

Keep that tool belt handy, we need it with the normies too!

Lotus2009

((((TNG))))

Don't beat yourself up over it. We all have people in our lives who know exactly what buttons to push and it is far from being easy NOT to react at times. And we all make mistakes at times - how else would we learn? Let it go as another lesson learned and focus on what tools you will use if this was to happen again.

Learn2Live

[[[[[hugs]]]]]

TheNewGirl

Thank you, Pelican & Lotus. My sponsor just called me back, & without me even asking her for one, she gave me a phone-hug, too. I felt bad for thinking I wasn't being a good model of someone in Al Anon, but your posts & my sponsor helped me understand that just because I'm going through my program in Al Anon doesn't mean I'm expected to be perfect.

Freedom1990

My mom still sends me articles from the newspaper she thinks are important. She highlights stuff with a yellow highlighter in case I miss it, I guess. I'm almost 52 years old!

I love my mother dearly, but I can't tell you how many times I let her push my buttons over the years.

Here's a big ol hug for you! :ghug3

TheNewGirl

OMG! Your mom does that too?! So does mine!!

Thank you

wanting

Heh, my mom does the same kind of thing. The world would be a perfect place if everyone just listened to her plan for their lives.

Freedom1990

See? You're not alone!

At least today I can laugh about it, and I accept my mom the way that she is.

You'll find that as you get further along in your recovery, those buttons will get pushed less and less.

:ghug3

KerBearz

Here's another hug for you! Progress, not perfection.

Spiritual Seeker

:ghug3

We're allowed relapses too.
Sometimes they remind us how well we do on the other days.

Al-anon taught me how to act instead of react...but there are times when the trigger gets to us.

KeepPedaling

Cause she's your mom?

PHIZ007

(((((((((THENEWGIRL))))))))))

Nice to know you are human my friend!.........I always feel cross with myself for "going off" too.....when all I have learnt goes out the window and my fuse just blows....I am getting better at it though (gee it takes some practice!)and what I do now is learn from it, move on from it and hope next time I feel that very same way that I will handle it differently.

Spiritual seeker said it really well.......thanks for those wise words SS!

Take care of You! Phiz :ghug3

coffeedrinker

someone posted recently about this quote.
this is exactly the context that it belongs in.

newgirl,

you didn't receive a point for your blowout - you did NOT lose any points!!

i think being aware is an important step in this process.

you are definitely worthy of being loved. we cyber-love you!

TheShire

RELAX - U R important!

posiesperson

TNG,

My mother sent me a newspaper article last week! Seriously! LMAO!

I've found that as I'm working on my difficult issues (namely, my wounded inner kid) my mother is a MAJOR trigger. I'm not sure she could even eat toast for breakfast right now w/o me finding a reason to have a problem with it. I know in time I'll work though things for myself and some of that will get a whole lot better, but I definitely have my days. I've managed to stay away from the phone, but she's expressed some feelings about that, including the conclusions she jumped to, what she assumed I was doing, etc. That's hers.

Breathe. Know that you're riding a wave: it will pass, and does not define you.

Hugs,
posie

TheNewGirl

Thank you all for all your words of support, wisdom, & encouragement. I love SR, and all the wonderful sharing & the members that post here! Thank you for being the family I never had growing up. I've learned more about life here in the last 2 months than I have from my bio-parents in 26+ years!

THANK YOU ALL!

FindingPeace1

My mom does this kind of thing, too.
She and I meditate together on skype every morning.
One day, my cat was in the room and jumped on my lap mid sit.
I've noticed the past few days, she says before we begin, "Did you get all the pets out of the room?"
Today, I said, "Mom, that's MY responsibility and I am taking care of it."
Then, we discussed the passive-controlling family system we have.

After we were done, I reminded her to journal, because she has been forgetting (she has a self-commitment to journal after we sit). Then, I realized, that's ME doing the passive-controlling thing on HER! LOL!

In my family it is "niceness" or "helpfulness" so it doesn't LOOK like control/manipulation, but it still IS! ts good when we catch it happening!