If I don't go crazy before this resolves...

Old 03-06-2010, 09:16 AM
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If I don't go crazy before this resolves...

AH and I have been getting along very well this week. His supervised visitation with our son every night this week after work has gone very well. After he goes to bed we usually spend about 15 - 20 minutes discussing issues in a friendly manner. I have paid the retainer for the lawyer on our separation agreement and went to the courthouse this week to file for support/custody. I came away with nothing on that. I was told I needed to make an appointment with an intake officer. So I called to make the appointment and the person that does that was not there. The receptionist told me they are backlogged for 3 weeks. She did go over the porcess with me and part of that would include a court ordered mediation. So, that night I told H what would happen and that I was thinking continuing with the mediator on support/custody would make sense since we would be ordered to do that anyway. He agreed because he said he knows he needs to be reasonable. We have an appointment next week for that.

H has told me repeatedly that he agrees with me for filing for separation. It will protect me legally and financially and give me a much needed break from the chaos his addiction has caused me. He is now begging for marriage counseling because he says he wants to prove he is clean over the next year and get his family back. I told him that getting back together isn't a given, but I won't say never. I do still love him, but I need to get myself back on track without constantly being worried about him.

Here is where I'm about to tear my hair out. He has agreed verbally to supervised visitation which at this point with his legal issues and his documented addiction is all a judge will give him. His defense lawyer has told him many times not to fight me right now. He told me yesterday that he wants me to get the support issue rolling because he said that if he does end up in jail he would like for support for our son to be established beforehand with his most current salary. That to him is the reason for mediation. He seemed to be using his head and being totally rational about his situation...

Except that what he is in denial about is that to have child support established a custody agreement has to be put into place. So today we were having a conversation about the house. All of a sudden he said he was looking forward to the mediation, but that no matter what he wasn't going to sign anything that said he could only have supervised visitation. He said that supervised visitation is reasonable right now, but he doesn't want it in writing. I told him that seeing the mediator is to help us figure out the best solution. Obviously my lawyer is going to fight for me and if he got a lawyer that person would fight for him. The mediator is to help us come to a healthy conclusion.

It quickly turned into a shouting match. He is so irrational about this. He wants to have something in place legally for support, but in order to do that we have to establish custody! No judge is going to award him any custody at this point! He started saying that if I wanted to play dirty (which I'm totally NOT) his parents are prepared to spend $30,000 to ensure he gets his son. I KNOW that with his record he will only make it worse for himself, but he doesn't see that. The KICKER was that he said if I try to do all of this he will file against me and say that I'm an alcoholic, abusive to him and our son, and neglectful. I said you know that isn't true and they would investigate only to still find things in my favor. He said "I know that, but it would drag things out and make you feel as low as I do right now." I said what about thinking about how this will effect our son and he said "back at you." I could give a million and one comebacks, but I'm trying to take the high road.

I'm so pissed! I'm trying to do the right thing by my child and this freakin' brain damaged (yes, I don't think he can think straight anymore) person is ready to wrongfully accuse me of stuff just because he is hurt. He brought this all on himself! So much for trying to be amicable! I hope that he will cool down and try to get back to reasonable thinking.

I just hate what drugs have done to him and my family!
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Old 03-06-2010, 09:45 AM
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My experience has been it worked best for me to allow the conversations to occur between my attorney and his attorney, period, end of story.

Expecting to have rational and sensible conversations with an active addict has proven to be fruitless, frustrating, and sometimes dangerous for me.
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Old 03-06-2010, 11:33 AM
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I have to agree with Freedom. What he said has given you a clue what his parents and he have been talking about. Sounds to me like they're just waiting for you to do one thing that they don't like and then they intend to make life hell for you. It might be time for you to change the rules and tell him your lawyer will do the talking for you. Make sure your lawyer knows everything he said about the false charges and the intent to drag things out just because they think they can. They may have all kinds of ideas of what they can do, but a decent lawyer will set them straight in a hurry.

I went through a very similar divorce many years ago, so I know all about vindictiveness and control freaks. It doesn't end when the divorce is final, either. It will continue until your son is an adult, so it's best that you make sure your attorney is a good one who will fight for what is right. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. People like him, and especially his parents can make life extremely stressful, so please, don't let them bully you. They'll find out soon enough that they can't do everything they think they can, and once you have it in writing, they'll be forced to back down. Mega hugs to you. (((((aah)))))
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Old 03-06-2010, 12:48 PM
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Hugs to you aah because I do believe we married the same man. If you're situation is like mine, he'll get back to reasonable thinking when it suits him. And just when you think he's agreed to whatever...he'll change his mind. And it'll get ugly.

Just know that you will get thru it. Take care of you and your child. Don't let your heart overrule your head. Listen to your lawyer and don't be afraid to speak for the truth.

My response everytime he threatens to call CPS (and that still hasn't stopped)...go for it! I'll be happy to sit and have a cup of coffee with them in my home. I have absolutely nothing to hide.
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Old 03-06-2010, 01:31 PM
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Interesting how these conversations after the visitation go well until you don't agree to whatever he says.

And- I don't understand the bit about how he wants his child support based on income he won't have? That is just plain SILLY to me. If he thinks he should pay more than the courts determine.. I'm sure he can write a check to cover it?

Be careful... what I think he is actually doing is laying ground work- to tell the courts that there is NO problem.. he see's his kid every day!! If he will lie about you being an alcoholic, etc.. I'm sure he will lie about YOU being there!

So- his choice. I would rethink how that visitation is going. Move it to a public place. Ask someone else to at least go with you. This is supposed to be about him spending time with his child. NOT you.. Do NOT put it past an addict to use the kids, to get to others.. You specifically.
We want it to be nice for the kids- and they benefit.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:58 PM
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i agree with freedom as well. your lawyer is an expert in dealing with this. use him/her.
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Old 03-07-2010, 04:09 AM
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My response everytime he threatens to call CPS (and that still hasn't stopped)...go for it! I'll be happy to sit and have a cup of coffee with them in my home. I have absolutely nothing to hide.
When I finally said that, it lost all fuel for him

Be careful... what I think he is actually doing is laying ground work- to tell the courts that there is NO problem.. he see's his kid every day!! If he will lie about you being an alcoholic, etc.. I'm sure he will lie about YOU being there!
I am so sorry but it sounds like you are quickly about to experience what I just did.

Hugs to you. Hang in there
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Old 03-07-2010, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by StillLearning! View Post
And- I don't understand the bit about how he wants his child support based on income he won't have? That is just plain SILLY to me. If he thinks he should pay more than the courts determine.. I'm sure he can write a check to cover it?
I "think" his reasoning is so the amount will already be determined. My understanding about child support is that once it is set they owe it no matter what-bankruptcy, jail, etc. If we already have the support amount established in the courts he will still owe it once he gets out of jail if he does end up there. He stands firm that he isn't trying to get out of paying child support.

I did tell him I welcome CPS to come visit anytime. He is crazy because he even knows that one of my very good friends is second in command in our CPS. I have nothing to hide and as far as people go you wouldn't find someone more upstanding and well repected in my town- I only drink socially, volunteer with local community groups, very active in my child's life and daycare, work for a state organization, have lots of friends, neighbors, co-workers that would give a million and one personal verifications etc. He knows he wouldn't have a leg to stand on and no amount he pays a lawyer is going to help him win his case. His defense attorney who is amazing at what he does told him to leave it alone!

I know I'll get through this fine I just gotta stay strong and this too shall pass.
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Old 03-07-2010, 07:13 AM
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does it make sense that he feels that at this point he understands, and accepts, the need for supervised visitation. but, that down the road, after he's done some time, kept his sobriety intact, and made progress, that if it's in writing, part of the agreement, that that won't seem fair. i think he's looking into the future and doesn't want to shoot himself in the foot?

if that IS the case, could that actually be part of the agreement? for instance, supervised visitation from ________ to _______, 2010 -or- supervised while _______ and _______ and ________ is in place. non-supervised if he does such and such?
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Old 03-07-2010, 07:15 AM
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just thought of something.

if your ah is really working a program, truly clean and sober, ya know it does take a little time for all the old crappy behaviors to diminish. it may be that he felt remorseful after the yelling/threatening match. he was under pressure and went to his default behavior. he has to un-learn that. don't know enough, just wondering. hard for you, because that shuttles you right back to where you were (emotionally) when you were living with all the bulls..t. stirs it ALL again, instantly.
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Old 03-08-2010, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
just thought of something.

if your ah is really working a program, truly clean and sober, ya know it does take a little time for all the old crappy behaviors to diminish. it may be that he felt remorseful after the yelling/threatening match. he was under pressure and went to his default behavior. he has to un-learn that. don't know enough, just wondering. hard for you, because that shuttles you right back to where you were (emotionally) when you were living with all the bulls..t. stirs it ALL again, instantly.
I hate to sound like the pathetic wife and defend him, but yes, I do believe that he is working the program. At least he seems to be. He goes to church twice a week , he does NA/AA at least 5 days a week etc. He does go to that ugly place and it frustrates me to no end. That evening after all that happened he called me to apologize knowing he doesn't have a leg to stand on. He said he is mad at himself because he brought all this on himself. He said that he realized he had what many men would give their left arm for and he blew it.

We talked again tonight and I brought up what happened. I do know that he LOVES his son and despite everything I do believe he loves me. He just needs to relearn how to react to normal life. He is aware that it is going to take time before he can be with our son without supervision. He is 100% committed to that for now. I just saw coffeedrinker's suggestion and I'm going to bring that up tomorrow. What I said to him as that he was untrustwrothy for a long time and it is going to take equally as long for me to feel comfortable leaving my son alone with him for now. I explained to him that our son is my #1 priority and I can't just willingly put him in a situation that I'm unsure of.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I'm going to let the mediator take the lead as to how we resolve things and how we can get to an agreement that is best for our son.
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Old 03-08-2010, 07:23 PM
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After reading all of your posts, I tend to think the real problem (other than your husband's addiction) is his parents. It sounds to me like he is having his head filled with God only knows what by them. It's a shame that they are involved to the extent they are.
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Old 03-09-2010, 03:57 AM
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suki4483, you are so right on about this! I have to step away from the whole situation because I don't think he will ever find the strength to walk away from them. They are very strong personalities and he isn't. I feel like not only did I lose my husband to addiction, but to his parents and that make me extremely sad. He has been told by a former psychiatrist that he was working with after he went into remission from Hodgkins Disease that he needed to distance himself from them. We also saw a therapist when we first found out about our infertility. A lot of emotions came up wth how his family handled his cancer so we had a family session with them. At the end the therapist took me aside and told me she always thought I exaggerated about them, but after meeting them wanted to apologize for ever doubting me. It really is a very crazy situation and I fear my husband won't ever get a spine when it comes to them. They honestly think they are helping my husband, but have very twisted thinking. It is a never ending battle because if I push my feelings about how involved and irrational they are they just push back that I don't love him, I don't want to see him better, I'm a money hungry bitch that only cares about him if there is a lot of money in my checking account.

Honestly, the best part about thinking of my life divorced from him is that I will have very little to do with them. I just wish my husband had the strength to break free from them sooner and maybe we might have made it.
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Old 03-09-2010, 04:26 AM
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sorry that you're going through this. living with an addict and then trying to get rid of the addict is just as challenging. it's really probably better for your sanity to let your attorney talk to his attorney. if he wants marriage counseling to prove he's clean...seems kind of backward to me. he could get clean and STAY clean for a year, or however long and then attempt marriage counseling. if he wants to establish child support before potentially going to jail...say sure! then it can accrue while you're in jail so when you come out of jail you'll be in the arrears AND have a record.
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Old 03-09-2010, 04:53 AM
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Originally Posted by aah1977 View Post
I have to step away from the whole situation because I don't think he will ever find the strength to walk away from them.
...find the courage

it is fear. he is still the little boy inside who so desperately wishes his parents to LOVE him, unconditionally. he can break free of this need, but he needs to recognize it, and work on himself. maybe one day, he will. and then he will never do this to his child.
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Old 03-09-2010, 06:44 AM
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You know that you cannot control his parents anymore than you can control him or his choices and vice-versa. That's accepting life as is/where is , not as it should be or what anyone wants it to be.

Children are often pawns in separation /divorce proceedings, regardless of substance abuse. Extended families often have different opinions. You know what they say about opinions, don't you?
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