Limbo75

Dear all

I am new to this site since a few days back and it has already been a tremendous support for me. I am sober since 16 days and I hope that this time it is for good, I am determined that this time it is for good. Sorry for this long post but I guess this is something that I feel the need to share and to get your opinion on.

I am posting here since my problems go way back and perhaps it starts with having both alcoholic parents and an alcoholic brother who has now been sober for 7 year. As a child I grew up taking care of my parents, especially my father who is a serious alcoholic, my mother developed a co-dependency with him as well but she has never been as sick as he has been and is. It went on to my brother developing a bad alcohol, drug and gambling habit which effected the family even more. Through all this I was the good girl, the one who took care of everything, dealt with the neighbors and police and most of you know the drill. In my 20es I developed my own alcohol habit, in secret and hiding since I was the only "healthy" one in the family and did what I was taught to do, kept up the good facade. Despite all that was going on in the family we were not down and out, my father managed to hold on to a good job during day and drink away his nights, he still does however that is possible....

I recently took the decision to cut ties with my father, I decided that after taking care of him for all these year, no matter what I do it is not going to help, despite my own abuse I have studied alcoholism and al-anon throughout the years, knowing the words but not the spirit. Strangely enough this is was lead me on the way to my own recovery, it felt absurd to go through something as difficult as to cut off my dad for drinking and continue to drink myself in the same horrible way as I had watched him do for all these years, if I really wanted change then I would have to change as well.

I told him that I love him and that I am here the day he wants to make a change, but that until that day happens, I cannot take part in the illusion anymore, I cant deal with the hurt anymore. Some call me cold and un-loving, it does not feel that way to me, not that I have any hope that he will quit but at least I am not there anymore pretending that it is ok. And I am dealing with my own problems following my own advice for once, I guess the letter I wrote to him - I was really writing to me, at least that is how I see it now.

Has anyone been through something similar? Anyone who has cut the ties and managed to not be ridden by guilt and pity and sorrow? It feels like the right thing to do but it is really hard...

Thanks for this community and for all the support I have already received, this is a lifeline indeed.

tjp613

I guess what separates "Family & Friends" from the rest of the world is that I see your detachment as an act of LOVE -- for yourself AND the alcoholic/addict.

I think you are very brave and loving. We understand this fully, but it's not clear to anyone who hasn't been in our shoes and faced with very difficult choices. It's easy to sit back, direct from the sidelines and make judgements. It's quite a different experience when you're LIVING it.

Let go or be dragged.

I'm so glad you're letting go. ((((Hugs))))

Hunny1116

((((Limbo))))

Your father's alcoholism has affected you deeply, and you are protecting yourself emotionally. That takes tremendous courage.

I think we all have to find our own means which allows us to separate ourselves from the alcoholic/addict in our lives. I can't speak for the rest of the world, but I have found that, at SR, we support those decisions in each other whatever they may be.

I say, in all things, do what is best for you. Keep reading and posting, and

for your 16 days!

coffeedrinker

Limbo,

You will definitely get support for separating yourself from your alcoholic father from us here.

It's ok to stop the pain.

Welcome.

NewBeginnings1598

Welcome Limbo! I understand what you are going through by cutting ties with your father. I recently went through this with my AM. I did not go no contact all the way because things worked out differently but that is another story. I know very well that feeling that you are being uncaring and selfish. I had others tell me that I had to support her and that turning my back was very unloving and would make me a bad person. The people telling me this were people who did not know what it was like to live every day with the hurt, anger and all sorts of other emotions. People who have not been through it do not understand and are ignorant to the situation. I firmly believe now that this is one of the most loving things you can do for an A. You have to put yourself first and care for yourself above all others.


I have had people tell me that tough love is tougher on the person giving than receiving and that is most certainly true. The faster you stop taking care of him, the faster he will have to get help or continue on his way. If he chooses to continue to do as he has, he will be faced with his own consequences and responsibilities and they are his OWN. They are not yours, let HIM own them. The fact that you are ready to work on you is amazing! It will not be easy, but there are brighter days, I promise. And CONGRATULATIONS on 16 days sober. That is GREAT.

Limbo75

Dear all

Thank you for your words of wisdom and support, I realized that I posted this in the wrong forum and I appreciate your patience with a newbie finding her way :-) Am on day 21 now and strangely find myself not thinking of him at all, I am focused on me and my sobriety. Realized that I have hardly given this a thought since I wrote this post. I dream about him a lot but it feels ok for once to be self-absorbed and deal with my problems. To you all, blessings on your journey and thanks again!