IamSaved

Hard to believe. I left him a month ago. Today.

How do I feel? Better than I did yesterday, not as great as I will feel tomorrow.

I want to thank ALL of you for your posts, insight, humor and experiences. It's been hard, and reading everyone's stories sure helps you to NOT feel alone.

I would like to share my experience, prefacing this by saying I am a Christian. My HP is my Almighty Heavenly Father. He is my Saviour, my Light, and the Way. Whatever you believe, I respect it. This is merely my journey, and how I have survived it so far.

I was with my ABF for almost 3 yrs. We were friends 2yrs before we started dating. I always knew he drank a lot, but never realized how much until I got involved romantically with him. RED FLAG ALERT! The first time he ever invited me to his place, he was hammered. It was 5p on a Saturday. I blew it off as nerves, etc. RED FLAG ALERT! His condo was a PIGSTY! And I mean...crap everywhere. You couldn't see the floor in the bedroom, it was full of magazines, CD's, and crap! Oh..and anotherRED FLAG ALERT! The man had a TWIN BED. You heard me!

For some UNKNOWN reason, all of these flags weren't enough!

Move forward. 3yrs later. I'm in his condo, a place he never made ME feel welcome. It was HIS HOUSE, and if I so much as suggested painting, updating, or moving a piece of furniture, I was told that I was picking on him, his place wasn't good enough. I had too many expectations..blahblahblah.

We lived in the Brady Bunch condo. The stove would TICK TICK TICK everytime the oven was turned on. The entire place was a time warp, circa 1972. Another RED FLAG ALERT! He did NOT care about his home. He was very happy to leave it a mess, and leave it stuck in the 70's. NO pride in his surroundings! I was the maid. I cleaned up after him, and made some huge improvements. But all the while, I realize NOW he went kicking and screaming all the way. He felt he made ALL these adjustments for me, all the while I felt they were never enough! Why? Because EVERYTIME we fought, he made me feel homeless. It was HIS HOUSE remember?

Our sex life? Awful. The big O? Haven't had one in 3 yrs. But, that's another Jerry Springer show..........

I got beat down, and I started to believe that this was the best I could do. After all, when he didn't drink, he was a good guy. He is functioning. He goes to work everyday, he is debt free. He never borrowed money from me. He paid the mortgage on time, early even. Started his own (successful) Ebay business. I lived there rent free, and was able to become debt free in the 3yrs I lived there. That is the blessing I take with me! So, why was I unhappy? I had it MADE! Right?!

Not so much. When he drank, it was bad. And I never knew when that would be. When we were first together, it was a daily occurrence. As time progressed, he became a binge drinker. Weekends, he would drink from Friday at 2p, through Sunday. Sometimes, he wouldn't even sleep. I don't know about you..but drinking makes me tired. It made him manic. He would be up for 2 days. How is that possible? I still do not know to this day.

I stopped going to the bars with him. I became angry, resentful and just plain pissed off when he drank. I would track his drinking. I would write a big red D on the calendar everyday he was drunk. I showed it to him. He accused me of being a nag, of controlling him. That is what I had become.

The final straw came on NYE, when I took him to a corporate event through my work. He was drunk before we left, should have left him home. We got to the event, and he proceeded to drink 1/2 bottle of vodka, and then maybe 6 more beers. Made a pass at one of the clients, fell on top of my district manager because he couldn't stand up. People kept asking me, is he ok? is he ok? Tried to feed him coffee. He drank it, then went back to the booze.

Talk about EMBARRASSING!

I got called into the office on the following Tuesday, and realized that he could have gotten me fired! Seriously! Now, he's messing with MY livelihood, my career, my reputation.

The bottom finally came for me. ROCK BOTTOM. That was it. I got home from work that day. I confronted him. I told him, you get help or I leave you. You will NOT jeopardize MY FUTURE one more minute.

His reply? "It was New Years Eve, I was having a good time. Besides, you know how I get. Its' your fault you invited me to this thing. YOU should have known I wouldn't be able to handle it, and be out of control."

SERIOUSLY??????????????????????????

So, here we are. I did move out. I did leave him. I did take my life into my own hands. I did decide I was WORTH MORE than he was willing to give me. I chose to leave. I didn't go til Feb 5th. I was scared. I was mad. I was SURE he would call me, and beg me to return. After all, I am the only one that kept him sober right? How could he trade OUR life for a bottle of Miller Lite? Surely, I was MORE important than the booze!? Wasn't I?

Sadly..the answer is NO. I was NOT more important. He hasn't contacted me. He hasn't begged me to come back. He is doing just fine, without me.

But you know what? I'm doing JUST FINE without him! I moved into my own apartment, a place I have dreamed of living in since 2004! Its truly a dream come true! At first, it was an empty victory because HE wasn't there to share it. Then I realized how STUPID that was! This is MY victory! NOT HIS!!!! He had every chance to share this with me. He chose booze. I chose life.

What have I learned?

I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. All the things I feared NEVER happened. I moved out, and I am moving on. Do I miss him? Sometimes. But I let myself feel that, and then I remember all the crappy things I lived with. I look around MY APARTMENT, my new life. I am at peace.

God has put AMAZING people in my path. I found a church with believers that have shown me a way to find peace in the storm. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. All I can do is pray for my X to see the light, to find God, and to save himself. I can only do so much now, pray and pray and pray. The rest? It's up to him.

I hope that reading this will encourage some, and give you hope. There IS LIFE after the A. For us that leave, or decide we've had enough, the sun shines a little brighter. The days are more peaceful, and life is far better than it was in the storm. I never believed that was possible. I do today..and I hope that if you are reading this, and had any doubts, you will believe it too. Don't give yourself away to someone that can't give themselves to you. It will never be a fair trade. Never.

Peace and :ghug3: my lovelies! Thank you for reading

KeepPedaling

Thanks Saved! I've read another one of your posts. I'm so glad you're happy and have your own place! I'm so thankful that I never moved in with my boyfriend. I'm sure I would have let the horror continue for a lot longer if we would have been living together. I've been broken up with my xabf for about 3 weeks now I guess. It's tough, even knowing I'm on the right path. I'm happy to be following the same path as you though. We're not alone on it, that's for sure! Thanks!

IamSaved

KP -

I've been reading your struggles too, and I am proud of you! Sounds like we both had enough about the same time!

Stay strong! The sun is a lot brighter on this side of the fence! That's for sure!

Bucyn

I hear ya, sista.

It's been a week short of six months for me. I'm so happy, things are so good for me. And it would seem like they shouldn't be.

My abusive alcoholic momma's boy ex cyber stalks me and is using the legal system to bully me. It upset me at first and made me indignant, but now it's just ludicrously funny. The man will spend $3000 to save $300 on cleaning up his junky crap the code enforcement officer wants removed thinking he's harassing me. He's such a special snowflake, dontcha know, he thinks he's entitled to more than half of the good things left from our marriage (just a pension and a stock option plan and whatever else he can dream up), and shouldn't be held responsible for any of the bad things (two underwater mortgages, and probably his personal bills--we kept our finances separate). He wants alimony (unheard of in a 4 year marriage I keep getting told, including by his own lawyer once) and legal fees. He wants me out of the house (he was removed by the police 6 months ago for domestic violence, hasn't been back since, got himself fired as a matter of fact, then moved out of state 3 months ago, but still thinks I should be ejected from the house and pay him to live in it). I'm just waiting for him to start claiming I stole fabulous jewels and antiques of great value. He wants my tax refund (altho he gets one equal to it, when he gets around to filing) and to tell me how to file and set up my wage deductions (he always was controlling, was outraged I voted for a different president that him, stewed about it for at least 9 months, said I cancelled his vote out, LOL). I'm sure he'll whine about every screw driver and teaspoon when it comes to divvying up the marital property (of which there is not much, since I bought most of the nice things, furniture an such before the marriage with my own money AND have receipts for it).

The man is so filled with anger and rage, it's almost incomprehensible to me. My therapist says I was his ticket to the good life and he lost it through his own cowardice, and he's enraged at himself, life, and most especially his mother who castrated him early in life and rips out his backbone anytime he threatens to grow one--and he's taking his rage out on me. (She says he's also afraid of the divorce ending, of having to face his post-divorce, mommy-dominated life). His anger and striking out is in proportion to his fear and self hatred (well, that's what my therapist said. But I think he is and always was an abusive alcoholic mommy's boy and this is his last chance to try to hurt me).

No matter. I have a profession that takes a great interest in my personal life, and they are aware of every motion, demand, letter, foolishness, whatever. They suggested I upgrade my lawyer and set me up through the EAP, so I feel good to go. It's had the ironic side affect that people feel both real sorry for me for having to deal with this, and it's brought me some very positive notice. People stop me in the hall to hear the latest installment of my exAH's rage and sympathize, they laugh at him and encourage me. The great irony is that this divorce because it's nasty may end up being career enhancing.

In any case, it's been six months. And I am HAPPY. One of the best things he ever said to me--although it hurt at the time, was that I was an outsider in our marriage, and he and his mother were insiders. Thank you dear lord god that I was an outsider. I'm not going to be forever trapped by that awful dysfunctional family, run by his god-awful mother, a demanding, whiny, ruthless, manipulative, neurotic, needy, weeping tyrant of a mother whom his brothers try to pass off on one another like a hot potato because they don't want her ruining their lives, not when somehow it was decided decades ago it's exAH's job to tapdance fast and furiously to keep her happy. ExAH told me a couple times that he was happy being his mother's doormat (his exact phrase). Well, buddy, live your bliss.

Before the split up, I had daily hives from nerves, had developed panic attacks (the last one he witnessed and I saw a look of satisfaction on his face), had developed asthma and never slept more than 4 hours a night, and often with nightmares of his creepy, 'very, very disturbed' son (stepson's psych's exact words) who by age 13 already had been arrested 3 times, charged on 4 different occasions with felonies, and who committed a 5th one a couple months after we broke up (according to the police who came to my door looking for him because exAH had left the state and 'forgot' to tell stepson's probation officer). Who wouldn't want to be an 'outsider' to all that?

Not to mention all the alcoholic behavior. The endless accusations of nonsense, the constant berating and pouting and dissatisfaction, the horrible insensitive sex (and he could never understand why I wasn't interested, he liked it so that was all that mattered). The stink. The broken promises. THe lies (he had this game where he would lie to me about his family and then lie to his family about me. They wouldn't talk to him unless he said bad things about me, so he did. He'd make them up out of thin air. I overheard it). The bad parenting of his kids: alternating beating and abusing his son with guilty indulgence. The neglect of his daughter (he drove her to school every day but never seemed to notice her clothes were inside out). The constant critcism of my kids, to them and to me. The whining he wasn't appreciated. The financial irresponsibility (he worked 32 hours a week, I worked 40, but he thought I should be the one to get a second job). The laying around doing nothing, then getting big ideas, starting them, and leaving them unfinished. The drinking of vodka from 8 in the morning onward on non work days (and maybe even on work days, perhaps that's why they fired him).

OMG, I'm so much better off. The house is calm and we laugh a lot. My kids are relaxed. We have friends over all the time. One couple didn't get too close to us together because while drunk exAH advised their 17 year old daughter on her sex life (sicko, huh?). Now we socialize every week.

I can go out now in the evenings. Never could before. If we went together we'd have to find someone to watch his son--and no one wanted to. If I went out without him he always made a comment "I hope you had funwith your boyfriend". I never cheated, but I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to (altho I don't think there were any takers). I always felt I had to stay home to protect my kids from ranting on them (I caught one rant on the security camera...ranting about my 15 yo not doing the floors right, arm waving and all). I also had to stay home to protect my stuff. His kid was a thief, and a malicious vandal. His son threw exAH's laptop into the pool--and that's just the tip of the iceberg of the things that kids did.

Now I go to a Mensa group, to a book club and a writers group. I'm involved in boy scouts where I wasn't before. I saw Topol in Fiddler on the Roof during his final tour, been to concerts, to the Casino, go dancing a couple times a month. Last weekend I went to the wine and food festival on Friday and to the Renaisance fair on Sunday. Tomorrow we are going to this Amish farm that is famous for it's food and picking strawberries and tomatos. I am having FUN.

My house is probably going into foreclosure (I may be able to modify but I assume he'll sabotage that, and I'm not sure I want it anyway, to be house poor with a house that has some MAJOR deficits), I'm facing bankruptcy, but I sleep well, and feel like I'm walking on sunshine. My heart bounces when I get up, and my days are good. I only have to deal with him a couple hours a month no matter how nasty he is and how hard he tries to hurt me. How can he hurt me? He can't spend a whole evening yelling at me any more, slamming in and out of the room, stomping off to call his brother to whine, screaming names at me, insulting me infront of the kids. I have a job with great potential, I have a VA loan, two years after divorce/bankruptcy, my credit will be decent again. My kids are doing very very well (one in a special medical HS program, my 18 yo about to be a jr in college w/a double major, and my former high school slug suddenly doing a 180 and loving college with a great job waiting him after he gets a degree).

I'm happy. I feel like one of those springs packed tight in a dark can that gets sprung....boing, sky rocketing and expanding, free at last.

IamSaved, you are saved. Leaving awful people behind is a wonderful thing. Get a therapist and work through the aftermath, the wondering 'what happened' and 'how did I stick myself with him'. And see how much better your life will get.

I should be miserable, a frumpy, divorced, 48 year old woman facing bankrutcy and foreclosure--but I'm not. I'm relieved and happy. It's better without toxic dysfunctional people. Everything else in life is fixable: the broken cars, the dead HVAC, the useless pool pump, the abandonned clutter of a hoarder, the lack of money, the bank foul up, the holes in the ceiling and wall, all of it.

But there is no fixing an abusive alcoholic momma's boy with a 'very, very disturbed' kid.

Whatever happens I got off easy.

Good luck to you.

(and everyone else...shout out 'hello" to exAH who cyberstalks me.)

IamSaved

FREAKING AMAZING Bucyn!

You absolutely rocked my world with your story! Inspiring! Amazing! Life really is so good isn't it? Life is about LIVING it..not just existing in it!

Good for you! I am absolutely floored! This is why I love this place. So many awesome stories!