My long rambling story.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 11
My long rambling story.
My Story. March 4, 2010
In April of 2005 we took a mini family vacation to York Beach. It was great! We had fun and the kids loved the huge hot tub IN our room! It overlooked the ocean.
The sad part is that we took that vacation as a way to heal/make-up/recover from me finding the first bottle of vodka. THE BOTTLE. It is like the ONE RING from The Lord of the Rings in that it wields enormous amounts of control over my wife and I. My wife because she is powerless over alcohol and me because the alcohol and the lies have consumed my thoughts, emotions and actions for 5 years now. It affects me when I look at the thousands of pictures I have taken over the years and I find myself wondering if she was drinking during that period of time. It has ruined memories of the past because I don’t know what was true and what was a lie. Was she lying to me then? I don’t know how long she has been drinking, it may have been the whole 17 years of our marriage and I suspect it was. I am starting to realize that the details don’t matter much, the damage has been done.
A brief history of us. I grew up the son of a Baptist Pastor, we went to church Sunday morning and evening and also Wednesday nights for prayer meeting, plus lots of church activities. My Dad and Mom have never even had a drink! I always thought we believed drinking is a sin, but after discussions with my Dad realized that he thinks it is OK in moderation, he just never used it. My wife grew up in a family with 5 girls. Her Dad left them when she was around 8. Her mother’s parents were alcoholics. Her mother is an alcoholic and became a flagrant one once the girls were out of the house. She hardly ever went to church. When we got married I wasn’t attending church, kind of a black sheep. We would drink with friends etc. Then I started going back to church and she followed after a year or so. We stopped drinking because it was quite literally “against our religion”, it was a requirement in the church constitution!. During this time of church attendance I found that first bottle. After a long time of feeling her hiding the drinking was my fault we agreed that we would drink, but only in moderation. She still was hiding her drinking. I found two bottles of vodka hidden in the house and multiple times she had her diet coke with alcohol in it? I was mystified and at my wits end. We agreed it was OK to drink and she is still lying and hiding it? I know the story is crazy. We did drink, we didn’t drink, then we did drink, now we don’t drink because we finally realize there is a problem! ?!?!?!?!?
I feel like I have to verify in my head that she really is an alcoholic. So I am going to ramble off all the incidents I can recall.
The first time I remember is once I came home from work (she was 19) and she was passed out on our bed. I thought she was dead, I was going to call 911, but called her sister instead. Her sister calmly told me she was drunk and to put her in the shower. I should have woken up then!!
Yet the more I think about it I have this one picture of her sleeping at her house and now realize she wasn’t sleeping she was passed out drunk! This was even before the incident I just mentioned.
She has ended up passed out more times than I can count.
I found bottles multiple times over the past 5 years. These bottles were usually water bottles filled with vodka.
I have been “checking” her drinks obsessively and found many, many times that she had “something” with her diet coke.
She always has gum/mints in our vehicles and in the house.
I have had to cancel dinners out, soccer games etc. when she was slurring her speech and stumbling while walking.
She drinks at her family functions and to some extent her family helped her hide this drinking.
THIS IS A BIG ONE TO ME AND MAYBE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PROBLEM: AFTER ABOUT THREE YEARS OF ME CATCHING HER DRINKING, WHEN I WOULD CATCH HER SLURRING HER WORDS OR STUMBLING, SHE WOULD TELL ME IT WASN’T ALCOHOL BUT LOTS OF IBUPROFEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. THIS HAPPENED NUMEROUS TIMES OVER A TWO YEAR PERIOD 2006-2008.
My kids have come to know what is happening and have told me stories of sipping mom’s drinks and knowing something wasn’t right. They tasted funny!
My wife and the kids vacationed each summer at Hampton Beach with her Dad. I would go for a few days, then go back home for work. After a few years, I came to realize she was drinking there when I left. My son told of one instance when he knew mom was drunk and when he said something about it she yelled at him.
Thanksgiving 2008 at her Uncles, another night of me being paranoid knowing she was drinking behind my back. She seemed fine the whole night, but when we got home she passed out almost immediately on our couch. She told me she had chugged three beers outside of the garage.
January 28, 2010 Drove home drunk (about 4 miles) after visiting Katie’s grave. She told me everyone grieves in different ways.
The thing that amazes me is that is took me this long to figure out and admit that she is an alcoholic. FIVE YEARS. I attribute some of that to the fact that I was totally unfamiliar with alcohol. I also attribute it to me feeling like I had contributed to it by our “belief” that drinking is a sin. I felt that if we had the drinking in moderation belief she wouldn’t have to hide it.
She has been going to AA for a month. But she does not admit she is an alcoholic. She says she has a drinking problem, first she said she was a binge drinker. She says she is not an alcoholic because she doesn’t drink everyday. I think she is wrong and needs to come clean with the whole problem. She needs to admit she is an alcoholic and needs to determine never to drink again. As of now she is determined to get her drinking problem under control.
This is not acceptable to me as I know she cannot control her drinking. I have come to realize that for my sanity I need her out of my life. We have 4 kids and I do not know how to accomplish this without hurting them.
I went to an AA meeting with her for the first time yesterday and it outraged me. It humiliated me. I wanted to stand up and yell, “Just STOP!”, but I didn’t. Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting to try and find the answer to why I felt so angry after going to the AA meeting. There were a few gems from the readings that I identified with completely but overall the folks who talked were all over the place. One young girl was mad at the state for something to do with using a new therapist instead of her old one. One 30 something guy who lives with his Mom is mad at his Mom for controlling his life. I didn’t hear much in the way of how to deal effectively with an alcoholic spouse. I don’t know if I will go back.
I really think I need to divorce my wife, but am afraid to do so because of the kids.
She is staying at her dad or grandmothers house for the night. Funny thing is before yesterday we had been getting along very well. The meeting seemed to show me that she is not sincere, she doesn’t go up to get her “coins”, she has no sponsor, she is not doing the steps. She is going to simply be able to say she is “trying”. She hasn’t had a drink that I know of since January 28th. The night she DROVE home wasted from the cemetery, after “drinking a few beers with Katie” her sister who committed suicide on January 30, 2008.
I am happy for her not drinking for a month, but also angry that I should have to “praise” her for doing what she should have been doing all along.
It is like praising your kids for not hitting each other.
In April of 2005 we took a mini family vacation to York Beach. It was great! We had fun and the kids loved the huge hot tub IN our room! It overlooked the ocean.
The sad part is that we took that vacation as a way to heal/make-up/recover from me finding the first bottle of vodka. THE BOTTLE. It is like the ONE RING from The Lord of the Rings in that it wields enormous amounts of control over my wife and I. My wife because she is powerless over alcohol and me because the alcohol and the lies have consumed my thoughts, emotions and actions for 5 years now. It affects me when I look at the thousands of pictures I have taken over the years and I find myself wondering if she was drinking during that period of time. It has ruined memories of the past because I don’t know what was true and what was a lie. Was she lying to me then? I don’t know how long she has been drinking, it may have been the whole 17 years of our marriage and I suspect it was. I am starting to realize that the details don’t matter much, the damage has been done.
A brief history of us. I grew up the son of a Baptist Pastor, we went to church Sunday morning and evening and also Wednesday nights for prayer meeting, plus lots of church activities. My Dad and Mom have never even had a drink! I always thought we believed drinking is a sin, but after discussions with my Dad realized that he thinks it is OK in moderation, he just never used it. My wife grew up in a family with 5 girls. Her Dad left them when she was around 8. Her mother’s parents were alcoholics. Her mother is an alcoholic and became a flagrant one once the girls were out of the house. She hardly ever went to church. When we got married I wasn’t attending church, kind of a black sheep. We would drink with friends etc. Then I started going back to church and she followed after a year or so. We stopped drinking because it was quite literally “against our religion”, it was a requirement in the church constitution!. During this time of church attendance I found that first bottle. After a long time of feeling her hiding the drinking was my fault we agreed that we would drink, but only in moderation. She still was hiding her drinking. I found two bottles of vodka hidden in the house and multiple times she had her diet coke with alcohol in it? I was mystified and at my wits end. We agreed it was OK to drink and she is still lying and hiding it? I know the story is crazy. We did drink, we didn’t drink, then we did drink, now we don’t drink because we finally realize there is a problem! ?!?!?!?!?
I feel like I have to verify in my head that she really is an alcoholic. So I am going to ramble off all the incidents I can recall.
The first time I remember is once I came home from work (she was 19) and she was passed out on our bed. I thought she was dead, I was going to call 911, but called her sister instead. Her sister calmly told me she was drunk and to put her in the shower. I should have woken up then!!
Yet the more I think about it I have this one picture of her sleeping at her house and now realize she wasn’t sleeping she was passed out drunk! This was even before the incident I just mentioned.
She has ended up passed out more times than I can count.
I found bottles multiple times over the past 5 years. These bottles were usually water bottles filled with vodka.
I have been “checking” her drinks obsessively and found many, many times that she had “something” with her diet coke.
She always has gum/mints in our vehicles and in the house.
I have had to cancel dinners out, soccer games etc. when she was slurring her speech and stumbling while walking.
She drinks at her family functions and to some extent her family helped her hide this drinking.
THIS IS A BIG ONE TO ME AND MAYBE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PROBLEM: AFTER ABOUT THREE YEARS OF ME CATCHING HER DRINKING, WHEN I WOULD CATCH HER SLURRING HER WORDS OR STUMBLING, SHE WOULD TELL ME IT WASN’T ALCOHOL BUT LOTS OF IBUPROFEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. THIS HAPPENED NUMEROUS TIMES OVER A TWO YEAR PERIOD 2006-2008.
My kids have come to know what is happening and have told me stories of sipping mom’s drinks and knowing something wasn’t right. They tasted funny!
My wife and the kids vacationed each summer at Hampton Beach with her Dad. I would go for a few days, then go back home for work. After a few years, I came to realize she was drinking there when I left. My son told of one instance when he knew mom was drunk and when he said something about it she yelled at him.
Thanksgiving 2008 at her Uncles, another night of me being paranoid knowing she was drinking behind my back. She seemed fine the whole night, but when we got home she passed out almost immediately on our couch. She told me she had chugged three beers outside of the garage.
January 28, 2010 Drove home drunk (about 4 miles) after visiting Katie’s grave. She told me everyone grieves in different ways.
The thing that amazes me is that is took me this long to figure out and admit that she is an alcoholic. FIVE YEARS. I attribute some of that to the fact that I was totally unfamiliar with alcohol. I also attribute it to me feeling like I had contributed to it by our “belief” that drinking is a sin. I felt that if we had the drinking in moderation belief she wouldn’t have to hide it.
She has been going to AA for a month. But she does not admit she is an alcoholic. She says she has a drinking problem, first she said she was a binge drinker. She says she is not an alcoholic because she doesn’t drink everyday. I think she is wrong and needs to come clean with the whole problem. She needs to admit she is an alcoholic and needs to determine never to drink again. As of now she is determined to get her drinking problem under control.
This is not acceptable to me as I know she cannot control her drinking. I have come to realize that for my sanity I need her out of my life. We have 4 kids and I do not know how to accomplish this without hurting them.
I went to an AA meeting with her for the first time yesterday and it outraged me. It humiliated me. I wanted to stand up and yell, “Just STOP!”, but I didn’t. Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting to try and find the answer to why I felt so angry after going to the AA meeting. There were a few gems from the readings that I identified with completely but overall the folks who talked were all over the place. One young girl was mad at the state for something to do with using a new therapist instead of her old one. One 30 something guy who lives with his Mom is mad at his Mom for controlling his life. I didn’t hear much in the way of how to deal effectively with an alcoholic spouse. I don’t know if I will go back.
I really think I need to divorce my wife, but am afraid to do so because of the kids.
She is staying at her dad or grandmothers house for the night. Funny thing is before yesterday we had been getting along very well. The meeting seemed to show me that she is not sincere, she doesn’t go up to get her “coins”, she has no sponsor, she is not doing the steps. She is going to simply be able to say she is “trying”. She hasn’t had a drink that I know of since January 28th. The night she DROVE home wasted from the cemetery, after “drinking a few beers with Katie” her sister who committed suicide on January 30, 2008.
I am happy for her not drinking for a month, but also angry that I should have to “praise” her for doing what she should have been doing all along.
It is like praising your kids for not hitting each other.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. You will find lots of support and information for yourself here. Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.
Ok. First things first. Let go of the guilt that you or your religious beliefs had anything to do with her addiction. Her addiction. Her choices.
The three C's of addiction have helped me understand my part in someone elses addiction (hint: I am not part of the equation):
I did not cause the addiction
I can not control the addiction
I will not cure the addiction
Can I ask why your wife is attending AA? AA will not teach her how to control her drinking problem. Is she attending because you suggested it? If she relapses, she will blame you for being too controlling and forcing her to be with 'those' people.
I know that this problem did not occur overnight and it will not be solved overnight. It took you 5 years to realize that she is displaying alcoholic behavior. Give yourself time to get information and support to make healthy choices for your future.
I am a recovering alcoholic, a recovering codependent and a recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic. I got sober but my partner did not. I lived in recovery with active alcoholism in my home. It is tough. I knew that I was making healthy changes in my life and that I would likely leave the marriage. But I could not live with the should I stay or should I go turmoil each day. What I did was this. Each day before I put my feet on the floor, I decided if today was the day I would stay or was this the day I would go. If it was another stay day, I put my feet on the floor and lived my life to the best of my married-to-an-alcoholic ability.
How? Lots of support through SR (here), Alanon, self-help books and a friend that is a social worker.
One day I did wake up and decided that it was Go Day. I had a plan and I had made arrangements. I walked away with peace and serenity in knowing I was doing what was best for me and my children.
Keep reading and posting. We're here to help.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. You will find lots of support and information for yourself here. Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.
Ok. First things first. Let go of the guilt that you or your religious beliefs had anything to do with her addiction. Her addiction. Her choices.
The three C's of addiction have helped me understand my part in someone elses addiction (hint: I am not part of the equation):
I did not cause the addiction
I can not control the addiction
I will not cure the addiction
Can I ask why your wife is attending AA? AA will not teach her how to control her drinking problem. Is she attending because you suggested it? If she relapses, she will blame you for being too controlling and forcing her to be with 'those' people.
I know that this problem did not occur overnight and it will not be solved overnight. It took you 5 years to realize that she is displaying alcoholic behavior. Give yourself time to get information and support to make healthy choices for your future.
I am a recovering alcoholic, a recovering codependent and a recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic. I got sober but my partner did not. I lived in recovery with active alcoholism in my home. It is tough. I knew that I was making healthy changes in my life and that I would likely leave the marriage. But I could not live with the should I stay or should I go turmoil each day. What I did was this. Each day before I put my feet on the floor, I decided if today was the day I would stay or was this the day I would go. If it was another stay day, I put my feet on the floor and lived my life to the best of my married-to-an-alcoholic ability.
How? Lots of support through SR (here), Alanon, self-help books and a friend that is a social worker.
One day I did wake up and decided that it was Go Day. I had a plan and I had made arrangements. I walked away with peace and serenity in knowing I was doing what was best for me and my children.
Keep reading and posting. We're here to help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 58
Welcome!! I am very sorry that you are going through this. The important thing is that you have now realized the problem. It took my me and my family much longer than 5 years to realize my mother's adiction. My mother is in recovery right now and has been for 6 weeks but she, like your wife, will not admit to being an A. It is very frustrating and will drive you insane with hurt and anger. That is where one has to realize that instead of focusing all their energy on the adict, they should focus their energy on their own recovery and learn tools to help themselves cope with this family disease. The way I do this is that everytime I want to look up information about my mom's disease, I instead come here and read other's posts or I will research codependence issues. That way I am focusing my attention to now helping myself.
I just started Al Anon and they suggest that you try different meetings to help you find a group that you are comfortable with. If you do not feel like trying more meetings, then I recommend you read "Codependant No More". This book is truly inspiring and has given me great tips on how to handle certain situations that come up with the addiction.
I am still new to recovery myself but one thing I will stress is this: You have to find a way to detach from her actions and the feelings you have that are coming from worrying about her actions. I used to count my AM's beer cans every night. It never made a difference if I told her how many she had the night before. She just went back at it that night. The only thing that counting did for me was throw me in turmoil even more. You have to find a way to not let these feelings and emotions run your life. Between my book, Al Anon, and SR, I have finally learned the three C's. You did not cause your wifes drinking, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
I hope that you find some peace within yourself through posting here and reading other's posts. Please make sure to also read the sticky's up top too as they are the best at showing us how to cope.
I just started Al Anon and they suggest that you try different meetings to help you find a group that you are comfortable with. If you do not feel like trying more meetings, then I recommend you read "Codependant No More". This book is truly inspiring and has given me great tips on how to handle certain situations that come up with the addiction.
I am still new to recovery myself but one thing I will stress is this: You have to find a way to detach from her actions and the feelings you have that are coming from worrying about her actions. I used to count my AM's beer cans every night. It never made a difference if I told her how many she had the night before. She just went back at it that night. The only thing that counting did for me was throw me in turmoil even more. You have to find a way to not let these feelings and emotions run your life. Between my book, Al Anon, and SR, I have finally learned the three C's. You did not cause your wifes drinking, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
I hope that you find some peace within yourself through posting here and reading other's posts. Please make sure to also read the sticky's up top too as they are the best at showing us how to cope.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I don't see anything wrong with praising a child for not hitting?
Hi and welcome to the forum.
Well - I hope you'll read the stickies at the top of the forum,
There is yet the religion to be invented
that cures alcoholism.
None NOT ONE religion cures an alcoholic.
Period.
Secondly, while I completely understand your frustration
I also feel I need counsel you
that ....
this problem is not going to be solved with a handbook.
There's not a ... laid out plan that works for every alcoholic.
This isn't a problem that is solved with
"well you did this, now I do that"
It's a process that begins with the Self.
Recovery.. is all about repair.
And learning to appropriately deal with the Self.
And that's whether you're the drinker...
or the drink-ee....
Witholding praise
can do more damage
than making up exuses for someone's behavior.
I'm glad to see you sign on to the forum
I hope you'll learn what you need here.
I strongly suggest you return to the AlAnon meeting.
Get their Literature.
Read it.
Go back.
Ask questions.
<Listen to what you're told.
You said yourself this is not a 'new' problem.
It's not going to go away.
Not overnight not ever.
I think from the tone of your first post you need to educate yourself
more than anything else right now about alcoholism.
About codependency.
About recovery.
Well, welcome to the forum!
Hi and welcome to the forum.
Well - I hope you'll read the stickies at the top of the forum,
There is yet the religion to be invented
that cures alcoholism.
None NOT ONE religion cures an alcoholic.
Period.
Secondly, while I completely understand your frustration
I also feel I need counsel you
that ....
this problem is not going to be solved with a handbook.
There's not a ... laid out plan that works for every alcoholic.
This isn't a problem that is solved with
"well you did this, now I do that"
It's a process that begins with the Self.
Recovery.. is all about repair.
And learning to appropriately deal with the Self.
And that's whether you're the drinker...
or the drink-ee....
Witholding praise
can do more damage
than making up exuses for someone's behavior.
I'm glad to see you sign on to the forum
I hope you'll learn what you need here.
I strongly suggest you return to the AlAnon meeting.
Get their Literature.
Read it.
Go back.
Ask questions.
<Listen to what you're told.
You said yourself this is not a 'new' problem.
It's not going to go away.
Not overnight not ever.
I think from the tone of your first post you need to educate yourself
more than anything else right now about alcoholism.
About codependency.
About recovery.
Well, welcome to the forum!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 56
Hello, TheShire.
I am new here as well and can only tell you to keep posting, the people on this site are wonderful.
I started going to Al-Anon 6 weeks ago due to my AH. As has been suggested already, going to a few different meetings can help you hopefully find a meeting that fits better. I went to 7 meetings in 6 days and then chose 2 groups to attend weekly. They were the ones that I felt most welcomed. I have found immersing myself in the Al-Anon books has been helpful. I have calmed down and learned some new tools for dealing with the situation, which has helped calm things down a bit not just at home but inside me. Reading through the posts here also has helped tremendously. Reading Co-dependent No More made me feel like someone had looked inside my brain. Someone on this site also recommended Getting Them Sober in their post, and I found them on the web - with many chapters there for reading, which helped until the books arrived. I really liked those books as well.
One of the things I found with my AH is that when he started to go to AA he wanted that to be "his thing". I figured that out by the fact that I didn't hear anything about it. It took him 3 months to find man he wanted to have as his sponsor. My AH does want to live in recovery, which is really positive. But the process will take time, and the path is not smooth. The best response he has given me is when, after a relapse, I told him I felt really uncomfortable when he didn't go to all the meetings he had committed to going - and after that, he's gone to the 3/week he's chosen. But what he does there, coins or not, and what is said, is his. When he leaves I tell him "have a good meeting" and when he comes back it's just a "how was your meeting?". Beyond that, I only know what he wants to tell me - & it's not that much, to be honest. But, because I didn't cause, can't control, and cannot cure, I have to leave it all in his hands, and try to my best ability to take a step away and work on my reactions and the spinning that goes on in my head. And Al-Anon has helped. Sure, there are times that what someone talks about doesn't hit a chord with me at all, but often little parts of sentences even resonate with me and get me thinking in a different way. It's a real reflection of their slogan "take what you like and leave the rest".
It's great that you've gone to Al-Anon and that you've found this site. Both will help you. I can tell you as someone who hasn't been involved with either for very long. Keep coming back, and keep going back. In just a little bit, you will find that you will have even a brief moment of clarity, and that will help you for you and help you be a better support for your darling children.
I am new here as well and can only tell you to keep posting, the people on this site are wonderful.
I started going to Al-Anon 6 weeks ago due to my AH. As has been suggested already, going to a few different meetings can help you hopefully find a meeting that fits better. I went to 7 meetings in 6 days and then chose 2 groups to attend weekly. They were the ones that I felt most welcomed. I have found immersing myself in the Al-Anon books has been helpful. I have calmed down and learned some new tools for dealing with the situation, which has helped calm things down a bit not just at home but inside me. Reading through the posts here also has helped tremendously. Reading Co-dependent No More made me feel like someone had looked inside my brain. Someone on this site also recommended Getting Them Sober in their post, and I found them on the web - with many chapters there for reading, which helped until the books arrived. I really liked those books as well.
One of the things I found with my AH is that when he started to go to AA he wanted that to be "his thing". I figured that out by the fact that I didn't hear anything about it. It took him 3 months to find man he wanted to have as his sponsor. My AH does want to live in recovery, which is really positive. But the process will take time, and the path is not smooth. The best response he has given me is when, after a relapse, I told him I felt really uncomfortable when he didn't go to all the meetings he had committed to going - and after that, he's gone to the 3/week he's chosen. But what he does there, coins or not, and what is said, is his. When he leaves I tell him "have a good meeting" and when he comes back it's just a "how was your meeting?". Beyond that, I only know what he wants to tell me - & it's not that much, to be honest. But, because I didn't cause, can't control, and cannot cure, I have to leave it all in his hands, and try to my best ability to take a step away and work on my reactions and the spinning that goes on in my head. And Al-Anon has helped. Sure, there are times that what someone talks about doesn't hit a chord with me at all, but often little parts of sentences even resonate with me and get me thinking in a different way. It's a real reflection of their slogan "take what you like and leave the rest".
It's great that you've gone to Al-Anon and that you've found this site. Both will help you. I can tell you as someone who hasn't been involved with either for very long. Keep coming back, and keep going back. In just a little bit, you will find that you will have even a brief moment of clarity, and that will help you for you and help you be a better support for your darling children.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi there,
I want to echo qwe and others: if the Alanon meeting wasn't a good fit, please consider trying another one. I minimally liked the first one I went to, really didn't fit at all with the 2nd group I went to, but then found a group that's a great fit for me, and many of the same people attend 2 meetings a week--that's my "home" group. Sometimes I make it back to the first room I went into, but that second room? I haven't looked back, and I won't. I'm really glad I didn't give up. The support I've received has been invaluable, and ditto for the support on this forum.
Keep posting...and hang in there.
I want to echo qwe and others: if the Alanon meeting wasn't a good fit, please consider trying another one. I minimally liked the first one I went to, really didn't fit at all with the 2nd group I went to, but then found a group that's a great fit for me, and many of the same people attend 2 meetings a week--that's my "home" group. Sometimes I make it back to the first room I went into, but that second room? I haven't looked back, and I won't. I'm really glad I didn't give up. The support I've received has been invaluable, and ditto for the support on this forum.
Keep posting...and hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 261
The Shire- I have just read your long story and I feel your pain. I am a alcoholic myself and I relapsed this past New Years Eve. I had 10 months of sobriety before that and I still relapsed. Without getting too far off the subject, this past Tuesday, I just had it with alcohol. I am powerless over alcohol and no matter how clever I am, it comes back and turns my life upside down. I also have hurt people in my life during my drunken stages. I am like your wife, in that we both share the same disease. Even coming out of rehab last year at this exact time, I still battled with the fact that alcoholism was a disease. In my mindset, I continued to think that it was just self control. My parents who urged me to go to rehab, still think it is just self control and i'm pretty sure that is what they think. They even attended the family program at the rehab but I digress because that is a whole different story.
What caught my eye about your story was the fact that you were angry that you had to "praise" your wife for doing something that she should have been doing all along. Just like you said, do you praise children for not hitting each other? I am a very logical person and I am working on my MBA degree right now. I am 27 years old and I am not married nor do I have any kids. When you said that, it really hit me. You are right. Before my rehab last year, my dad would just tell me "just dont drink." I sort of get the feeling that he probably thinks the same way as you do. My dad thinks, I shouldnt even remind my son not to drink, he just shouldnt. What gets me down is that I have hurt people in my life while I was drunk. I have lost many friends, hurt family members and embarrassed myself. I used to be this great guy that had everything going for him before alcohol engulfed me. When I read your last few sentences, I just thought to myself, will I ever be able to make amends with those I hurt? What if they just dont understand how this alcoholism has affected me? Anyways, i'm just here to share my thoughts.
I really do hope that your wife begins to see the light and take action. I know that during my 10 months of sobriety, all I did was abstain from drinking. Nothing else really changed and ultimately it led me back to where I started. I have more to say but my thoughts seem to be all over the place.
What caught my eye about your story was the fact that you were angry that you had to "praise" your wife for doing something that she should have been doing all along. Just like you said, do you praise children for not hitting each other? I am a very logical person and I am working on my MBA degree right now. I am 27 years old and I am not married nor do I have any kids. When you said that, it really hit me. You are right. Before my rehab last year, my dad would just tell me "just dont drink." I sort of get the feeling that he probably thinks the same way as you do. My dad thinks, I shouldnt even remind my son not to drink, he just shouldnt. What gets me down is that I have hurt people in my life while I was drunk. I have lost many friends, hurt family members and embarrassed myself. I used to be this great guy that had everything going for him before alcohol engulfed me. When I read your last few sentences, I just thought to myself, will I ever be able to make amends with those I hurt? What if they just dont understand how this alcoholism has affected me? Anyways, i'm just here to share my thoughts.
I really do hope that your wife begins to see the light and take action. I know that during my 10 months of sobriety, all I did was abstain from drinking. Nothing else really changed and ultimately it led me back to where I started. I have more to say but my thoughts seem to be all over the place.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Found a group I trusted , it was on the 4th try I believe.
It sounds as if she had a drinking problem before or whether you thought "drinking is a sin." YOur belief did not control her choices. It is not your fault. You belief at a certain point did not cause it just as finding out alcohol drinking in and of itself is not a sin didn't cure her problem.
My stbxah and i are both christians. His hiding had to do some with the fact he was a christian. We don't bring into the light what we ourselves want or feel the need to keep hiddden in the darkness. Hiding because of a standard( such as no drinking aloud) doesn't mean one then falls into a pit of abuse because of a standard they didn't uphold. If the standard is "no drinking aloud" 1 drink breaks the standard just as 20 does. The choice of how much is that, a choice. Your belief that you came to see as unbalanced as you found it was actually not what the bible says, is not to blame. It is not what caused her abuse of alcohol.
You will find understanding here, I for one relate.
It sounds as if she had a drinking problem before or whether you thought "drinking is a sin." YOur belief did not control her choices. It is not your fault. You belief at a certain point did not cause it just as finding out alcohol drinking in and of itself is not a sin didn't cure her problem.
My stbxah and i are both christians. His hiding had to do some with the fact he was a christian. We don't bring into the light what we ourselves want or feel the need to keep hiddden in the darkness. Hiding because of a standard( such as no drinking aloud) doesn't mean one then falls into a pit of abuse because of a standard they didn't uphold. If the standard is "no drinking aloud" 1 drink breaks the standard just as 20 does. The choice of how much is that, a choice. Your belief that you came to see as unbalanced as you found it was actually not what the bible says, is not to blame. It is not what caused her abuse of alcohol.
You will find understanding here, I for one relate.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Was she lying to me then? I don’t know how long she has been drinking, it may have been the whole 17 years of our marriage and I suspect it was. I am starting to realize that the details don’t matter much, the damage has been done.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by TheShire 
The thing that amazes me is that is took me this long to figure out and admit that she is an alcoholic. FIVE YEARS. I attribute some of that to the fact that I was totally unfamiliar with alcohol. I also attribute it to me feeling like I had contributed to it by our “belief” that drinking is a sin. I felt that if we had the drinking in moderation belief she wouldn’t have to hide it.
I also had family that respected one another. That believed in fairness, truthfulness, straightforwardness, and respect.
I couldn't conceive of what was going on. He was/is textbook. But it does take a while to sink in, that these aren't isolated incidents. That he's hiding it when he doesn't have to, lying about things that don't make sense, that reason is unimportant, that bullying is acceptable, apologies and promise are insincere, meaningless and just a way to get over. That people who seem nice, aren't if they do not nice things. And the not-nice part is the real person, not an abberation.
Each lesson has to be learned individually and a couple times. Decent people just DON'T behave this way. And you believe they are decent...it takes a long time to realize that they don't.
I too look back and understand our relationship differently. I thought he cared and was proud of me. That's what he wanted me to think. But in truth I was his ticket to a better life than what he could provide for himself. When I met him, he was a year or two out of a bankruptcsy, living in a 30 year old rusty dented trailer that was condemned when he left it. In fact, the entire trailer park was razed 3 years later. I was nice, easy going, good natured, rather naive, and had 109K in cash. Because of me he got a 5 bedroom house on a lake with a pool in an upscale neighborhood and a convertible car and a 63 inch tv, vacations to disney world and 4 cruises in 4 years. He was also looking at a good future, I have a secure job that will pay a lot by the time I retire and a family that will leave me several million dollars in inheritance. Because of me, he had a lot.
Because of him and his drinking and his need to please his mommy and his messed up kid--but mostly because of him...he lost it all. And is willing to impoverish his family (altho I think his brother has the money) to punish me in the last venue open to him: court. All that hatred and rage and contempt didn't come from nowhere. It was there all along, hidden by his greed, and leaking out regularly when he drank, or his mommy whine and demanded or his brother called him names.
It's the hardest thing to accept. This is who they are: who they were all along. That you were being used, and were never loved.
I don't guess it's there fault. People with huge internal problems don't have the ability to love. Maybe your wife did once love you and developed her problems later. Mine was already an alcoholic when I met him, I don't think he ever did. He saw a good thing and grabbed it. My kids tell me of drinking episodes he hid from me, but they saw. But once he got it, he started showing his true colors more and more. It even started on the honeymoon--he abandonned me because sitting with me or taking me to cocktails with our brothers and their wives would upset his mother. He talked badly about me behind my back to his family. He pretended he didn't know me and gave me the silent treatment. He'd only be with me and have fund with me (we were on a cruise) when his family wasn't around. It upset his mother otherwise.
It does take a long time. I know I'm a nice person, I'm worth loving. So it took a while to understand I was not loved. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I take it back, I said I was sorry..." It's hard to realize they don't mean it. Everyone else who made mistakes like that WOULD be appalled and sorry and mean it and stop doing it. It's not the same for the messed up ones, it just makes them work harder not to get caught at doing what they have been doing when they do it again.
I think in a 17 year marriage, particularly when it didn't start off with a drinking problem playing havoc would make it even harder to accept the problem. All those good years of reall love and true partnership would smother the doubts and the make the benefit of doubt a hundred times stronger.
Get help. A good therapist who is understands addiction and family dysfunction is invaluable. (that would not be the regular run of the mill counselor, lots of them don't understand). Strength and health and happiness comes from facing the truth, no matter how painful. It's not painful for long, and it gets better.
You need validation that yes, it's a problem, no you aren't wrong to want her to stop, no you did not cause it, yes you are powerless to help her, yes it's okay to put yourself and your kids first, and yes, it is and was as bad as your gut is telling you. You are right. You do know the truth. You have to believe those things before you can act on it.
Be kind to yourself. You don't deserve an alcoholic wife, it's not fair, and you have been treated badly. She lies and mistreats you enough, you don't need to do it to yourself.
I wish you well. None of us deserve what these people do to us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by TheShire
I really think I need to divorce my wife, but am afraid to do so because of the kids.
You can choose to let them live with alcoholic dysfunction 100 percent of the time, or you can choose to set up a sane household and let them live with you peacefully 50 percent (or maybe even more if they are old enough to choose to live with you).
Do you think they not look at those photos of good times and wonder if their mom was smashed? Give them Xmas and birthdays where they will know they are free from the drinking and wondering and tension and the walking on egg shells.
You can always separate and remarry if after a couple years it doesn't work out.
Talk to people who grew up with alcoholics. Find out how many wish the sober parents had left and took them with them. Don't just assume divorce will hurt them. Why would it. They aren't losing you, they aren't losing mom, there is no longer a social stigma. Will they worry about her well being when they are with you? Maybe. Will she try to turn them against you? Maybe. Those are the two worst problems and are manageable. She can't turn them against you, if you are good and loving to them. Will they worry about her when she's out of sight? Don't they worry about her now?
These are hard decisions. But maybe it's time to try something different if you want a different life for you and your kids.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I suggest going back to the same group if that's all you have,
nowthat you've read some of the posts on this thread
and the multitude of information on the others.
I think you went to that meeting waiting for the 'punchline'
and now, a bit more educated -
I think your experience will be completely different.
It's a very 'guy oriented' expectation
ok I have a problem now hand me the repair manual and leave me alone.
which is fine mand good if you're married to a '67 mustang, but ....well -
Recovery doesn't work that way.
These are the hard times.
It's a lot to absorb
a lot to digest
and far more to accept
but accept what is you must.
I truly think you'll have a completely different experience in either group now.
nowthat you've read some of the posts on this thread
and the multitude of information on the others.
I think you went to that meeting waiting for the 'punchline'
and now, a bit more educated -
I think your experience will be completely different.
It's a very 'guy oriented' expectation
ok I have a problem now hand me the repair manual and leave me alone.
which is fine mand good if you're married to a '67 mustang, but ....well -
Recovery doesn't work that way.
These are the hard times.
It's a lot to absorb
a lot to digest
and far more to accept
but accept what is you must.
I truly think you'll have a completely different experience in either group now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 56
Hi TheShire,
A couple of comments on what I've read above. First, yes, getting help for you is important and finding a good counsellor is critical. My AH & I went to a counsellor, and it was he who diagnosed the profound alcoholism first night & marched him off to AA (yay! & how dumb had I been!). For me, I was just to be "non-reactive", without even a why. My AH although he went to AA kept relapsing but coming to counselling saying he was not drinking. I lived a life that had not changed according to me. With this counsellor, I ended up being the one with the major problem as I could not see how things were improving. BUT THEY WEREN'T. Although he was astute in getting my AH to accept his problem & start on a path of recovery, he was profoundly unaware of the effects on me. Each of us should have been shipped off to our respective meetings. Now, AH goes to AA, I to Al-Anon, he also sees an addiction specialist who has a whole team of people who specialize in addictions ... doctor, psychiatrist, counsellor. I'm hoping this will make a difference going forward as we get to dealing with our issues outside of the A. I can see some positive change happening, although not holding my breath yet.
Also, I know the divorce question is high for you. However, you are just at the starting gates of learning & understanding the disease & its effects on everyone. From what I have read & been told in meetings, it's suggested that we make no major decisions right away. If you can, try to give yourself some time to learn, get to a point where your mind (if like mine) is not spinning quite so much, and then relook at the question. You may still make the same decision as where you are leaning now but you may be able to make it with a clearer, calmer head and heart. Things get complicated when there are children involved; I know I have two. As long as you feel your children are safe today, there is not a crisis forcing a decision on this issue today. Regardless of what you decide on your marriage, the issue of dealing with the alcoholism with your children will be something to deal with as well (we had a counsellor do a family meeting).
No matter how you slice it, it's a mess, and certainly not what any of us signed up for. That's a given. But if you keep coming back here & find an Al-Anon group you like, you can find some calm in the storm and clearer thoughts - like the ones I remember I used to have, before... - can start to reappear. It may not seem that way right now, but it can happen. This place in particular will show you how many have found that eye in the center of the storm where calmness can surround us.
Keep writing.
A couple of comments on what I've read above. First, yes, getting help for you is important and finding a good counsellor is critical. My AH & I went to a counsellor, and it was he who diagnosed the profound alcoholism first night & marched him off to AA (yay! & how dumb had I been!). For me, I was just to be "non-reactive", without even a why. My AH although he went to AA kept relapsing but coming to counselling saying he was not drinking. I lived a life that had not changed according to me. With this counsellor, I ended up being the one with the major problem as I could not see how things were improving. BUT THEY WEREN'T. Although he was astute in getting my AH to accept his problem & start on a path of recovery, he was profoundly unaware of the effects on me. Each of us should have been shipped off to our respective meetings. Now, AH goes to AA, I to Al-Anon, he also sees an addiction specialist who has a whole team of people who specialize in addictions ... doctor, psychiatrist, counsellor. I'm hoping this will make a difference going forward as we get to dealing with our issues outside of the A. I can see some positive change happening, although not holding my breath yet.
Also, I know the divorce question is high for you. However, you are just at the starting gates of learning & understanding the disease & its effects on everyone. From what I have read & been told in meetings, it's suggested that we make no major decisions right away. If you can, try to give yourself some time to learn, get to a point where your mind (if like mine) is not spinning quite so much, and then relook at the question. You may still make the same decision as where you are leaning now but you may be able to make it with a clearer, calmer head and heart. Things get complicated when there are children involved; I know I have two. As long as you feel your children are safe today, there is not a crisis forcing a decision on this issue today. Regardless of what you decide on your marriage, the issue of dealing with the alcoholism with your children will be something to deal with as well (we had a counsellor do a family meeting).
No matter how you slice it, it's a mess, and certainly not what any of us signed up for. That's a given. But if you keep coming back here & find an Al-Anon group you like, you can find some calm in the storm and clearer thoughts - like the ones I remember I used to have, before... - can start to reappear. It may not seem that way right now, but it can happen. This place in particular will show you how many have found that eye in the center of the storm where calmness can surround us.
Keep writing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 11
"Strength and health and happiness comes from facing the truth, no matter how painful. It's not painful for long, and it gets better.
You need validation that yes, it's a problem, no you aren't wrong to want her to stop, no you did not cause it, yes you are powerless to help her, yes it's okay to put yourself and your kids first, and yes, it is and was as bad as your gut is telling you. You are right. You do know the truth. You have to believe those things before you can act on it.
Be kind to yourself. You don't deserve an alcoholic wife, it's not fair, and you have been treated badly. She lies and mistreats you enough, you don't need to do it to yourself.---
BUCYN -- u brought tears to my eyes, thanks for that, it means a bunch!!
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I take it back, I said I was sorry..." It's hard to realize they don't mean it." Man do I HEAR that.
Thanks for your post! I hope your situation works out, I hope you find the happiness you deserve!
You need validation that yes, it's a problem, no you aren't wrong to want her to stop, no you did not cause it, yes you are powerless to help her, yes it's okay to put yourself and your kids first, and yes, it is and was as bad as your gut is telling you. You are right. You do know the truth. You have to believe those things before you can act on it.
Be kind to yourself. You don't deserve an alcoholic wife, it's not fair, and you have been treated badly. She lies and mistreats you enough, you don't need to do it to yourself.---
BUCYN -- u brought tears to my eyes, thanks for that, it means a bunch!!
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I take it back, I said I was sorry..." It's hard to realize they don't mean it." Man do I HEAR that.
Thanks for your post! I hope your situation works out, I hope you find the happiness you deserve!
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