Should I be here?

Old 03-04-2010, 12:41 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
abajak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 11
Should I be here?

Last week, I attended my first Al-Anon meeting.

After 15 years of semi-discontented marriage, I am finally in counseling for myself (hmm it's only taken me that plus the 5 years we dated to really figure out that I can only change myself), and the counselor suggested that my husband's alcoholism may be the root of my marital unhappiess.

When I read other people's stories...even those whose partner is a "functional" alcoholic, my life seems fairly tame/manageable though I have no doubt that my husband is an alcoholic: A few mo. back, I noticed how quickly the wine and whiskey bottles were collecting in the recycle bin, so I tracked what he was drinking for a few weeks. He was averaging 4-6 drinks an evening (starts after work). He used to drink primarily beer, added wine about 4-5 years ago, and hard liquor a year or two ago. We had a huge snowstorm last month and he quipped on his Facebook page "Snowed in. No bourbon. Tried to make it through to the liquor store but had to turn back. Doomed." (This was true...the store is about 3 blocks away and he did walk about 1/2 way there before turning back). He rarely gets obviously drunk.

I pointed the 4-6 drink thing out to him as he/his Dr. were concerned about his b.p...and I honestly don't know if he realized how much he was consuming. I was non-accusatory, and I hadn't tracked him since until now....after my counselor's comment last week, I started a new "inventory" of what's in the house and what ends up in the recycle bin. Interestingly, there were several "emptys" in the liquor cabinet (I drink rarely... a beer maybe 1x/mo, so I don't normally go into that cabinet). His typical laziness (eg he leaves the empty milk carton and empty cereal boxes on the counter), or an attempt at deceptive behavior?

As for his/my behavior, I just started reading a book on co-dependency, and we are the classic co-dependent/counter-dependent couple. He's self-absorbed, defensive, angry, domineering. I'm angry, critical and I nag. But really not about his drinking (maybe 3-4 times in the many years we've been together...and then it wasn't nagging and there was no anger on my part). More about things like wet towels on the floor, empty ice trays. Stupid stuff...and I know I need to stop. But some not stupid stuff (he was incensed once when I was worried/upset when he didn't call me about a 3 hr delay in his flight)...and obviously I remember many transgressions for months or years. His "addictions" include his work and his hobbies, so I often feel like a single parent.

His quick anger can include getting overly physical (dare I say abusive?) w/ our kids (grabbing our 3 y.o by the back of his shirt collar ---consequently pulling the front of the shirt across the front of his neck...1/2 dragging our 7y.o. up the stairs by her arm. These kinds of incidents can occur whether or not he's had a drink.
When I think about leaving him, I worry that he would become vindictive and fight for 1/2 time physical custody, though clearly he prefers to leave as much parenting to me as possible (though he does do quite a bit as our lives necessitate...just not a source of joy for him as it is for me).

Anyway, I've been trying to wrap my brain around the paradigm shift from "my dh is a jerk" to "my dh is a jerk because he is an alcoholic." Seems like Al Anon could be helpful either way?
YOUR thoughts?
abajak is offline  
Old 03-04-2010, 12:55 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi abajak and WELCOME to SR!

I'm very glad you found this place; the people here are wonderfully supportive.

To answer your question: yes, I think you belong here. You seem to feel that your relationship with your AH is based in codependence, and most of us on this board struggle with this.

With regards to the amount your husband drinks, it's more than mine did, and I still felt I needed to leave. I think he generally always had his 4 beers a night, sometimes more on the week-ends. I calculated this and it made my eye pop:
4 x 500 ml of beer = 2 liters of beer a day!

I struggle to drink 2 liters of water a day because it's good for me, and yet he easily drank 2 liters of alcohol.

I also had an uninvolved partner who was more into his videogames, tv shows/DVDs than he was in spending quality time with his son or baby girl. I felt like a single parent with the added burden of an extra stinky loud-mouthed grown baby wreaking havoc around the house. Fun times...

Anyhow, if you have a problem with his drinking, then there's a problem. His manhandling the children is just plain abusive and you have a good reason to be concerned. If you want to know where you stand, can I suggest quietly consulting a lawyer for a consultation? Perhaps jot down all the questions you have about custody and child support and whatnot beforehand so you can make the most of your consultation.

Keep posting!
nodaybut2day is offline  
Old 03-04-2010, 12:56 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bernadette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,927
Anyway, I've been trying to wrap my brain around the paradigm shift from "my dh is a jerk" to "my dh is a jerk because he is an alcoholic." Seems like Al Anon could be helpful either way?
YOUR thoughts?


Well, a jerk is a jerk is a jerk! Take the alcohol away and it doesn't instantly make a jerk a non-jerk.

When I think about leaving him, I worry that he would become vindictive and fight for 1/2 time physical custody, though clearly he prefers to leave as much parenting to me as possible (though he does do quite a bit as our lives necessitate...just not a source of joy for him as it is for me).


The future rarely shakes down the way we imagine...I find it is best to stay in today and figure out what is best for me. Am I happy in this relationship? Can I accept this person just the way he is, today? Is it OK that he is abusive and frightening to the children, and what can I do about it?

AlAnon would definitely be helpful if you keep an open mind and work the program - it really turned my head around - because AlAnon makes me focus on ME! And I am the only person I can change or control on this planet!

peace - and welcome!
B.
Bernadette is offline  
Old 03-04-2010, 01:03 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
coffeedrinker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hi, yes you should be here. and welcome.

i wish i could be sugar-coaty here, i wish you would know that i don't think that brow-beating someone is the kindest way to get you message across, but here i am reading your post and i have to leave for a work meeting. so please allow me to cut to the chase:

i guess i don't think it much matters the why your husband is a jerk. i draw the line at being abusive, especially to children. consider the fact that he is modeling what it is to be a father, husband, man, and human being. just my opinion, but no way would i want my vulnerable, impressionable youngsters around what you described. and i make no bones about it - the phrasing of such treatment - "half dragging" - only tries to minimize what is actually going on - abuse by a big person to a small child.

keep sorting things out, but please, don't delay trying to protect your children. it's your duty and your delight.
coffeedrinker is offline  
Old 03-04-2010, 01:18 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Taking5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I've been trying to wrap my brain around the paradigm shift from "my dh is a jerk" to "my dh is a jerk because he is an alcoholic." Seems like Al Anon could be helpful either way? YOUR thoughts?
Al-anon can be helpful either way.

In regards to your dh, we have a saying in the rooms of AA. "Q:What do you get when you sober up a horse-thief? A:A sober horse-thief." This means of course that the elimination of alcohol will not solve his other issues. In fact the 12 steps of AA (you'll get plenty of exposure to them in al-anon) are designed for just this reason - to deal with these external issues. If it were as simple as stopping drinking it would be a 1 step program
Taking5 is offline  
Old 03-04-2010, 01:28 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
abajak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 11
Thank-you all for your replies. I actually scheduled an appointment w/ a lawyer to figure out my rights, etc yesterday...the day before that he was violent with my son (o.k...I will put aside the shame and call it what is is), so I took my kids to the guidance counselor's office at my dd's school. My thinking was "documentation" but as I explained to my daughter ("why do you want me to talk to the guidance counselor?") that "daddy needs help, and mommy needs help for that to happen" I realized that my explanation was true too.

I am glad that I have found this website. It will be hard for me to get away in the evenings for Al-A meetings...but this is here for me anytime. Thank you.

o.h...one more thing. My dd asked me that night if daddy & I were getting a divorce, and said she hoped we wouldn't. Open to suggestions for healthy ways I could have answered this??
abajak is offline  
Old 03-04-2010, 06:11 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by abajak View Post
o.h...one more thing. My dd asked me that night if daddy & I were getting a divorce, and said she hoped we wouldn't. Open to suggestions for healthy ways I could have answered this??
Welcome to the Family!

Read and post as much as needed. We're here to support you!

I'd look at that question from a 7 yo perspective, not an adult. What are her experiences with divorce? Limited, right? Is her knowledge based upon hearing about a bad divorce and all the drama?

I would reassure her that her mom and dad love her bunches! That sometimes adults need to seperate so that they can be better parents. If her mom and dad decide to seperate, it means that they still love her but want to find ways to be better parents to the children and better friends to each other.

I have experienced divorce with children. I try to keep in mind that my children love, love, love their other parent. They do not need to know all the drama. I want my children to continue to experience love, without anxiety, from their other parent.

That being said, I do believe it is important to explain alcoholism because it is a part of the family tree now. Your child's guidance counselor may be able to help with age appropriate language.

Make no mistake - I am not suggesting you become a door mat and ignore the alcoholism. As a momma bear protects her cubs, I will protect my children from alcoholic behavior. Legally and physically by whatever means are necessary!
Pelican is offline  
Old 03-04-2010, 07:05 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
TheShire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 11
As a man I relate with shame to the description of your husband spending quality time only on himself.
I have come to realize that is seems men are super selfish.
I realize that I need to work very, very hard at spending time with my kids.
For me it was easy to spend tons and tons of time with our first two kids. Then my wife's drinking came into the picture. I am trying to figure out how that plays into me not spending as much time with the kids.
I am still working on that, with sites like this helping me to think out and write out my thoughts.
It seems that in general men need to work harder at not being selfish with their time.
TheShire is offline  
Old 03-06-2010, 05:36 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
abajak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 11
Coffee Drinker:

I want to thank you SOOOO much for your "blunt" post. Even the guidance counselor used the euphemism "unsafe behavior," so it's been fairly easy for me to keep sailing down that big river in east Africa. No longer, thanks to your post and others here.

Please...keep saying it like it is to those of us in denial about abuse...I will do the same.

Namaste,
abajak
abajak is offline  
Old 03-06-2010, 05:43 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
abajak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 11
The Shire:
Thanks for sharing. I've been around other folks in recovery long enough to know that "today is the first day of the rest of your life." My hope for you: make amends, let go of regrets, and then figure out how to have the relationship TODAY that you want with your kids. Looks good on paper...harder to implement I'm sure :-)
abajak is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:50 AM.