A codie question...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
A codie question...
I'm struggling with an issue today and I'd love your input.
When DD was born, I oh-so-generously gave her XAH's last name. He had 3 other children by 3 other women, and I wanted to be *the one* who would finally give our child together his last name, since names were so important to him. I guess I was trying to prove to him that I was better than the others, more faithful, more dedicated, blah blah blah *puke*. Heck, I also got his initials tattooed on my lower back as proof of my fidelity; obviously that didn't work out so well for me.
In any case, as time goes by and as the separation becomes more firmly entrenched, I'm noticing that XAH is becoming rather uninvolved with DD. He keeps skipping visitation or wanting to shorten them. Knowing his past pattern, I can see a repetition here: meet woman, date furiously, make baby, relationship falls apart, split and eventually abandon child to repeat pattern once again. The fact that he's already got himself a girlfriend who happens to also have a child from a previous union indicates to me that he's slowly reforming his "family" with someone else (which is GREAT 'cause he's not bugging me anymore!!).
Just as I'm getting the tattoo on my back covered with something meaningful TO ME, I'd like to change DD's last name to my own. I find it suits her far better than her father's last name...but that's JMO.
Now, here in Quebec, it's rather complicated and the government opposes random changes like these. You have to have a valid reason, such as the name is too difficult to pronounce due to its ethnic origin, or the name is infamous, OR you've been using the name casually for over 5 years...
So I thought of starting to use my last name as DD's on a casual basis and slowly establish a precedent.
But of course, as I am constantly on the look-out for codie behaviour, I'm wondering what my motivation for this change is. In a sense, I feel as though I used XAH's last name to "brand" DD as his, but the past 18-19 months have proven to me that he doesn't really consider her to be his. I've had to fight tooth and nail to force him to be involved with her. I feel as though my rather unappreciated gesture of fidelity will influence DD for a lifetime, and she may always wonder why she wears the name of someone who isn't in her life or worse, who is, but treats her as second rate or unimportant. On the other hand, by choosing to change her name, i am also imposing a choice on her...
Even if I do change her name and XAH disappears from our lives completely, I do plan on telling DD about her 3 half-brothers and to answer whatever questions she might have about them, or her father, or my relationship wit him.
What do you all think about this?
When DD was born, I oh-so-generously gave her XAH's last name. He had 3 other children by 3 other women, and I wanted to be *the one* who would finally give our child together his last name, since names were so important to him. I guess I was trying to prove to him that I was better than the others, more faithful, more dedicated, blah blah blah *puke*. Heck, I also got his initials tattooed on my lower back as proof of my fidelity; obviously that didn't work out so well for me.
In any case, as time goes by and as the separation becomes more firmly entrenched, I'm noticing that XAH is becoming rather uninvolved with DD. He keeps skipping visitation or wanting to shorten them. Knowing his past pattern, I can see a repetition here: meet woman, date furiously, make baby, relationship falls apart, split and eventually abandon child to repeat pattern once again. The fact that he's already got himself a girlfriend who happens to also have a child from a previous union indicates to me that he's slowly reforming his "family" with someone else (which is GREAT 'cause he's not bugging me anymore!!).
Just as I'm getting the tattoo on my back covered with something meaningful TO ME, I'd like to change DD's last name to my own. I find it suits her far better than her father's last name...but that's JMO.
Now, here in Quebec, it's rather complicated and the government opposes random changes like these. You have to have a valid reason, such as the name is too difficult to pronounce due to its ethnic origin, or the name is infamous, OR you've been using the name casually for over 5 years...
So I thought of starting to use my last name as DD's on a casual basis and slowly establish a precedent.
But of course, as I am constantly on the look-out for codie behaviour, I'm wondering what my motivation for this change is. In a sense, I feel as though I used XAH's last name to "brand" DD as his, but the past 18-19 months have proven to me that he doesn't really consider her to be his. I've had to fight tooth and nail to force him to be involved with her. I feel as though my rather unappreciated gesture of fidelity will influence DD for a lifetime, and she may always wonder why she wears the name of someone who isn't in her life or worse, who is, but treats her as second rate or unimportant. On the other hand, by choosing to change her name, i am also imposing a choice on her...
Even if I do change her name and XAH disappears from our lives completely, I do plan on telling DD about her 3 half-brothers and to answer whatever questions she might have about them, or her father, or my relationship wit him.
What do you all think about this?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
My personal feeling is that children should have the same name as the person they live with. I talked with my kids about it, and they agreed. For this reason, I didn't take back my maiden name. My situation is different than yours, though, since I had been married for 20 years and had the name all that time.
That's my long-winded way of saying, I think you're right.
L
P.S. My decision carried the added benefit of irking my inlaws.
That's my long-winded way of saying, I think you're right.
L
P.S. My decision carried the added benefit of irking my inlaws.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I think I would give it a little time before you automatically decide what's going to happen in the future between XH and DD. Not that you don't have reason to believe it will go down the way you think it will. This just seems non-urgent and if he gets wind of it before he's voluntarily removed himself from the picture, it could cause drama and accusations of you trying to cut him out.
I was able to change DD1's last name after I married AH. I hadn't filed for child support or anything from her bio-dad for 7 years, and when we had the court date he didn't show up, so I got everything by default judgment, including the name change. I wanted to change her name at the time because I was pregnant with DD2 and wanted the four of us to have the same last name. I didn't want DD1 to feel left out and like, why do I have this name of this guy who I haven't seen in a few years? Her grandparents were livid about it.
Now, I am keeping AH's name because our girls have it, and because it's a good name for business listings, because it starts with A. I can't imagine going back to my maiden name, because I feel like that person has been gone for years.
I was able to change DD1's last name after I married AH. I hadn't filed for child support or anything from her bio-dad for 7 years, and when we had the court date he didn't show up, so I got everything by default judgment, including the name change. I wanted to change her name at the time because I was pregnant with DD2 and wanted the four of us to have the same last name. I didn't want DD1 to feel left out and like, why do I have this name of this guy who I haven't seen in a few years? Her grandparents were livid about it.
Now, I am keeping AH's name because our girls have it, and because it's a good name for business listings, because it starts with A. I can't imagine going back to my maiden name, because I feel like that person has been gone for years.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 56
Hi noday,
I don't know how old your DD is, but my 2 cents from having 2 DD's aged 9 & 13. From about the age of 4, they have been very clearly identified themselves as "I am <first name> <last name>". Their last name is very much a part of who they are. Even if things do not work out between my RAH & me, I would not change their names to mine. My identity is mine, and theirs is theirs. Also, just to comment, I never changed from my maiden name when I got married, so in this household of 4, I'm the one who is different. Now, I agree, causes some issues @ new schools etc, but I've become really good at the phrase, "hello, this is xx, calling, yy's Mom". It seems to be easy enough for people to follow.
Good luck with this decision!
I don't know how old your DD is, but my 2 cents from having 2 DD's aged 9 & 13. From about the age of 4, they have been very clearly identified themselves as "I am <first name> <last name>". Their last name is very much a part of who they are. Even if things do not work out between my RAH & me, I would not change their names to mine. My identity is mine, and theirs is theirs. Also, just to comment, I never changed from my maiden name when I got married, so in this household of 4, I'm the one who is different. Now, I agree, causes some issues @ new schools etc, but I've become really good at the phrase, "hello, this is xx, calling, yy's Mom". It seems to be easy enough for people to follow.
Good luck with this decision!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
DD is 19 months old so she doesn't say her last name yet!
Waiting...I hadn't thought of XAH's mother, with whom I am very close. She might get hurt or angry if I do this. I'll have to discuss it with her (in a sense, she also adopted the last name she now uses, since the name came from her husband). Also, name changes in Quebec are rather tricky compared to the states. You can't just get it in some divorce decree (to my knowledge anyhow).
I guess I'll just casually start to use it and see how it feels.
Waiting...I hadn't thought of XAH's mother, with whom I am very close. She might get hurt or angry if I do this. I'll have to discuss it with her (in a sense, she also adopted the last name she now uses, since the name came from her husband). Also, name changes in Quebec are rather tricky compared to the states. You can't just get it in some divorce decree (to my knowledge anyhow).
I guess I'll just casually start to use it and see how it feels.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
Can you hyphenate? Not sure how long either of your last names are. If that works then you use both for awhile and eventually 'quit saying' XAH's last name and just say yours? Also, keep in mind that when DD was concieved it was out of love so even if you don't change it...no harm done.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
The children have AH's last name, we are married, I kept my maiden name, the name we gave them on their birth certificate is binding (UK). Originally, we couldn't agree, we came down to his last name for a boy, mine for a girl, the first child was a boy, and not arguing with him about our son having his name felt like a gift, cementing their bond and relationship. When our daughter was born, I felt that for our son it was important to have that name link to his new baby sister.
I don't share a name with my children, I don't view that as a problem, it is normal for our family and my children don't see it as a problem.
The legalities here are that it is legal for an adult to call themselves lord lucan or engelbert humperdink, without any paperwork, if they want to as long as the intent is not fraudulent.
To change a child's last name, even informally, all people with parental responsibility have to agree, and it takes a court order.
She will always know you love her and identify herself with you and as a product of that love. If he abandons her, the only bond she may have, the only sense of identity that links to her to her father, may be that name. If she wants to severthat link when she is older she can choose to do that, but shouldn't that choice be hers?
Be honest with yourself about why you want to do this. Be careful that you are not seeking to eradicate him from her life and expunge him from her identity. Look for evidence from childhood studies about how name changes are important to children, how they experience them, JMHO (())
I don't share a name with my children, I don't view that as a problem, it is normal for our family and my children don't see it as a problem.
The legalities here are that it is legal for an adult to call themselves lord lucan or engelbert humperdink, without any paperwork, if they want to as long as the intent is not fraudulent.
To change a child's last name, even informally, all people with parental responsibility have to agree, and it takes a court order.
She will always know you love her and identify herself with you and as a product of that love. If he abandons her, the only bond she may have, the only sense of identity that links to her to her father, may be that name. If she wants to severthat link when she is older she can choose to do that, but shouldn't that choice be hers?
Be honest with yourself about why you want to do this. Be careful that you are not seeking to eradicate him from her life and expunge him from her identity. Look for evidence from childhood studies about how name changes are important to children, how they experience them, JMHO (())
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