Twiddle

Hello - I've been searching for answers and I'm hoping someone can shed some light for me. Let me explain my situation. Sorry in advance if I might ramble on.

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and he quit drinking 7 months ago and joined AA. He was a horrible man to me when he was drinking (even when he wasn't drinking) emotionally and physically but mostly emotionally. I was so grateful that he joined AA and didn't want to drink anymore and I tell him that a lot. I thought that him quitting drinking that FINALLY we were going to have a normal relationship and get on with our lives but that seems not the case.

In the past couple months he has been very distant from me, shutting me out...I've tried to lay next to him in bed and he just lays there motionless and says hes tired and just wants to go to sleep...

On Sunday i just couldn't take it anymore and I asked him if he wants me to sleep in the other room and he said, "I don't know"...For me, I don't know is not an answer, so I ask again and he then says "do what you want". I then tell him I want to know what he thinks, and he says again, "I don't know". So then I ask the question, "do you even want to be with me", (thinking to myself the outcome of this question has to be yes of course)...he says, "I Don't know." I then told him either you want to be with me or you don't, its a simple answer you shouldn't have to think about if you want to be with the person you love. He then said again I don't know. I was so upset by this answer I moved my pillow and blanket and clothes into the spare room, and later on in the day I text messaged him because I just couldn't accept that answer...its not an acceptable answer to me...Either you do or you don't...plain and simple.

So I text him (because its either just to write a letter to for me) Telling him that I have lived with him for 14 years doing so many mean things to me but I have stuck by him through thick and thin and have always loved him because I know he can be a good person, I have seen that good person. I know he's finally turning his life around it seems like he doesn't want me in it and that hurts because I want that good guy now...I deserve that good guy. The I told him he has this whole new world opening up to him and it seems like he's pushing me out of it. Then he told me that he's not pushing himself out that I'm pushing myself out, by being miserable and making him miserable and our child miserable.

Now I don't see myself as a miserable person...I see myself as a very confused, emotionally exhausted person, that just wants 1 SIMPLE ANSWER I just want something positive to happen for once.

I also told him that doesn't a person deserve to know if the person she loves wants to be with her? That hes toying with my emotions and thats making me go nuts.

Everyday this week so far I ask the same question but just in a different way and he tells me the same thing I don't know...that I have to be patient that he'll figure it out in a year (that's how long his sponsor told him it will take to get through the program and he'll know by then if he wants to be with me or not)...So now I'm suppose to wait a year to find out if he want to be with me...I don't think thats fair.

Please let me know what you think...I am so confused and in knots.
I love my husband and I'd do anything for him to make himself better, but I think what he's saying to me is wrong.

I have tried going to a couple Alanon meetings but the ones I went to the first one I was so nervous I didn't hear anything, the second one there was just one lady there and the 3rd one was one lady there for a couple years and the other 2 people were new that night. I have been to a bunch of open meeting and I get a lot out of them.

Thank you in advance

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Twiddle. Keep reading the posts and the stickies at the top of the forum. There is a lot of good information here and a lot of people who know how you are feeling.

You don't have to sit around and "be patient" for a year while he figures out what he wants. You have the power to be happy NOW, but not if you allow your happiness to depend on him. Why not just let the question go for now. You've asked and he's answered several times. There's no reason to think his answer will be different if you keep asking. Find things that you like to do and then do them. You may discover that YOU are the one who doesn't want to be with HIM.

hps

I know I used alcohol to blot out various issues and feelings. Once I started with sobriety, it took me a while to figure out what I wanted. First I needed to handle emotional issues without alcohol. Then I needed a long stretch of sobriety before it was clear what issues were important to me and what upset me.

So it may be the case that your husband genuinely doesn't know at the moment.

Thumper

Well said. Focus on you, not him.

I will add that sometimes I just 'do not know'. Part of my healing was the realization that I did not have to answer one way or another just because someone else was insisting on it. I could take the time to figure it out. That the answer that held integrity was based on my internal thoughts, not on someone holding my feet to the fire. My husband didn't like it anymore then you do but at least it was honest.

FindingPeace1

Welcome!
I dont' know about husbands in recovery, because mine is not.
I have heard here that it is a long and slow process and that often people in recovery detach so they can focus on themselves.
It does make for a challenging situation for the partner.
Even recovery doesn't "solve" everything!

I also know that there are some folks on here who's partners are currently in recovery, that hopefully will pipe up, as well as folks who's partners have been through recovery or have been through it themselves.

I will say from reading your posts, you want him to know his feelings, but I am not clear about yours.

As codependents, we find it much easier to "take someone else's inventory". Meaning, step 4 in the 12 steps is starting an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses, your hurts, resentments, etc.
That is a tough step! How much easier to make a list of someone else's problems and never really see your own.

What I heard in your post was that YOU were unhappy sleeping next to him (for whatever reason, in this case because he is giving you "I don't knows" and it makes you mad), but you wanted to know if HE wanted to sleep elsewhere. My guess is, if he wanted to sleep elsewhere, he would.

Part of the work is trusting they will communicate with you what they want to and the lack of communication on their part is what they want, if that's what they are doing.
My husband uses "I don't know" as a tool to avoid answering deep questions. It is maddening; I get that. It is also WHO HE IS. He doesn't WANT to tell me more than that. He doesn't WANT to answer more deeply, or can't. (I am having my OWN revelation as I share with you! LOL!)

So, consider observing your thoughts about him, particularly when you are talking to him. Start asking yourself when you catch yourself obsessing on how he feels and how he is not telling you, "How do I feel? What do I want?"
I think it will be fruitful.

Thanks for sharing with us!
w

Summerpeach

Al Anon is a great place to learn and a great outlet but is not for everyone.
I recall my first meeting, I thought I was going to pass out from nerves. Of course, it gets better.

You can start by reading books such as "courage to change" or "Codependency no more"
There are also on line Al Anon meetings and of course sites like this

It takes a lot of reading, talking, understanding who you are, who he is and why you are where you are.
It's a slow process so don't give up on yourself or him just yet

He's taken a huge first step to recovery and is in the stage of what is called a "dry drunk"
Trying to learn on how to deal with life without the addiction
While he battles his recovery, you need to battle yours and come to realize you also need to adjust to this "new" way of living.

It's not an easy ride for sure

Are you able to get into some therapy?

qwe

Hello Twiddle,

I am in a similar situation with my RAH. He has been going to AA since 9/09, has a sponsor, but has also relapsed a few times in his work towards sobriety. He has also shut me out completely, which I have found exceptionally frustrating. After several months of that, he is starting to open up a bit. For him, this is the first time he's looking inside of himself for possible reasons for his drinking/issues, instead of insisting that the cause is outside of him and he is the victim. The process is almost overwhelming to him, as he's considering those issues for the first time in 4 decades of living. Because he's not used to feeling his feelings at all, he often has trouble even identifying the feeling beyond "good" and "bad". Plus, he's working through all *his* resentments towards me (!!!!), which adds to his ambivalence right now. I am of course frustrated but trying to focus on my work at Al-Anon (which does help, give it time; hopefully where you're going has newcomers' meetings; they really made a difference for me), and that is allowing me to give him space to do the work he really needs to do right now on himself. The fact that he's opened this crack into himself is huge and I want to give him the space to explore what he's finding out.

Don't know if this helps, just hoping to let you know you're not alone in that feeling and situation.

Twiddle

Thank you very much for all of your insight...

I guess I assumed my question that I asked him was an easy answer because why would you be with someone that you don't want to be with??? I guess I was wrong

I realized today that my happiness depended on his happiness...because if he wasn't happy we all walked on "egg shells" at home...Thank you for making me realize this

stella27

Hey Twiddle! I bet we didn't mean to make you think that your happiness depends on his happiness. That's a statement that entirely contradicts what we would have meant to say.

I would deconstruct it like this:

I can choose to be happy whether he is happy or not.
I can choose to walk on eggshells or not.
I can decide whether I want to be around somebody who is unhappy and prone to flying off the handle with little provocation.

How does that explanation sound to you?

suki44883

I think what Twiddle meant was, she recognized today that she was allowing her happiness to depend on him. Is that right, Twiddle?

Twiddle

YES - thank you thats exactly what I ment