transformyself

My business partner is an A. One of them. The other is a cry baby. The A partner sent us both texts this morning that said, "what the hell is going on with this paper?"

He does this. Apparently, myself and the other partner aren't communicating well enough with him, or aren't reporting enough to him or haven't figured out how to stop world hunger or whatever the hell is wrong with him. You know these guys. No telling. I just don't want him to speak/text to me so rudely. He's 47 for gods sake, he can't use his words?

The other partner usually engages and freaks out. She sent me a text right afger his saying, "B is doing it again? Will you deal with him? I don't need this crap."

I told her she needed to make a clear boundary and let go. Now it's my turn.

I haven't responded to him. Yet. But need to. I just have to figure out how to do it.

I know he's stewing over there right now, has been for days most likely.

I didn't get much sleep and want to send him a nasty text back, telling him to not ever speak to me this way again, but know I need to be calm, clear and to the point without engaging in the stupid drama.

Got any suggestions? I don't want to talk to him by phone, just send a simple text that says, don't ever speak to me this way again. But in a better, non-raging-codie way.

suki44883

You could start out with...Well, since you asked so nicely, blah, blah, blah...however you want to answer the underlying question.

transformyself

Thank you Suki

I've ignored him so far. What do you think about sending him a text that says,

GiveLove

What would be the repercussions of simply saying, "Is it really necessary to be so vicious in your communications with us? Is that helping us get where we need to go? Honestly, my first instinct is to ignore you until you can be civil, but that's not productive for the paper."

What would he do? What can he do to you, right here, right now? Fire you? If so, soften this. If not, keep it about the mission and the end result you are all hoping for: He's not going to get what he wants by acting this way, so he needs to act differently.

What's his point of view? What triggered him to ask this question? What is it he wants you all to do differently? Work faster? Communicate better/daily? Deliver something you've promised? Is it a miscommunication about roles and responsibilities, or is someone dropping the ball? That's at the core of things too. He doesn't not get carte blanche to treat you any way he wishes, but you'll be in a much stronger position if you can identify what it is he's stewing about, and defuse it at the same time you're setting your boundary.

How are you doing on your own paper?

transformyself

Hi GL
He can't fire me. We're equal partners. In fact, he's not even on the paperwork. And this paper IS "my paper" that I've talked about.

My other partner says, "he can destroy us," politically by spreading misinformation at a time when we're trying to build our reputation.

Gee wouldn't it be great if he actually told us what his problem is, instead of triggering us with accusatory BS? I have no idea what he wants, because instead of "using his words," he's lashing out.

I resent having to be the person to help him identify WTF his problem is and then solve it. I guess I'm not as far along as I thought I was in my own recovery because I don't WANT to ******* help him identify any of this. I don' twant to talk to him or work with him. He QUIT the paper a few weeks ago in a huge public tantrum then weased his way back in.

The other partner and I need his skills for this one last run but are seriously wondering if it's worth it to work with him at all. Ideally, we should be able to detach and ignore him, but I don't think this will ever change.

He doesn't have internet service at his house, but I'm thinking of sending him an email then a text saying, "I've sent you an email. Please don't text me again until you've read it."


Great, he just now sent me another one saying, "where are my team mates?"

transformyself

What I've noticed is that the one time--ONE TIME--I've gotten angry with him and engaged, argued with him, he keeps going back to that one instance and bringing it up. Circling it, trying to fight wtih me about it. I usually say, "that's the past and we've got work to do." So I know I need to stay neutral in my tone and words, but I also need to draw a boundary and sort out if I even want to continue to work with him.

How's this for an email? I"m stealing it from GL because she's freaking brilliant:

for the record, I want to tell him to eff the hell off.

transformyself

AND for the record, I think practicing alcoholics are emotional midgets, and more trouble than they're worth. Grrrrrr....

transformyself

All right. Here's the email. I"m going to send it off at 11:30. Then I'm going to send him a text saying, I've sent you an email and don't want further communication from you until you've read it.


Brad

I got your text this morning saying, "what the hell is going on with this paper?" It woke me up. Hillary got the same text and she had the same reaction I did.

Honestly, my first instinct is to ignore you until you can be civil, but that's not productive for the paper.

Is it really necessary to be so vicious in your communications with us? I'm guessing you either don't know or dont' care about how your communication impacts us. If this were the first time this happened, I think I'd be more inclined to try to sort out what your problem is or reach out and find out, "whats' bothering Brad?"

But this isn't the first time you've lashed out, and whatever your problem is, it's not our job to figure it out. I can't read your mind, nor do I want to, and I'm not willing to be treated this way. To me, it looks like you've been stewing about something until you freaked out, picked up the phone and fired off a text without thinking it through.

What this does to me, especially after what happened at Whole Foods, is create panic, confusion and chaos. I don't want to be woken up this way. I'm not willing to be treated or talked to this way. I am not willing to scramble to figure out what's wrong with Brad. Instead of sending me a text or calling to ask for an update or whatever the hell you're wanting from us, I've spent an hour feeling like sh1t and wondering what to do about your communication.

So, for now I'm going to draw a clear boundary. That needs to be addressed before we can get anything productive for the paper accomplished.

In the future, if you send me texts or emails like this, or speak to me this way, I'll not be responding until you communicate respectfully and can detail what your questions are.

transformyself

NEVERMIND

I'm sending him this text

suki44883

Good girl! Short and sweet is best. Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know he got to you.

Cowgirl1265

Great use of "I" statements.

Regardless of his reaction, you are standing up for yourself.

Your partner's goal is to get him to behave (codie). From what you've written and how you've responded, your main goal is to not to allow yourself to be treated badly (not codie!).

Are you comfortable that you've set a boundary you can enforce? Will enforce? Because it looks like a pretty decent boundary to me!

transformyself

Thanks guys.

Hillary actually called him, after I told her that she needs to create clear boundaries with him, and told him not to send us texts like that. She feel better.

I sent him the text, but omitted the part about having a meeting to address his issues. I told him I"m working on content, need space for an 800 word new column and would send him more content on Tuesday. I"m not going to have a meeting with him to address his issues. I'm going to work and if he wants to, he can come along.

Otherwise, he can eff the hell off.

transformyself

oh. my. god.

He just sent me these texts:
WTF?? Really. Is he twelve? What a waste of my ******* time. I am working on organzing a 4 person investigative team to file FOIA with 20 goverment agencies across the state, assign each person to nag them until they get the damn info, and compile date that no one else in Mi is doing and he wants to cry and have his diapers changed!!!!!

wicked

wow, transformyself,
he does have issues. "demeaned"? "checking on"?
and it all started with HIM asking
"what the hell is going on with this paper?"

that sounds demeaning, and why would he need to check on two grown women?

PS, I live in MI, can you say what it is about?
alright, alright, i had to ask! LOL
not my hula hoop.

transformyself

Wicked, I sent you a pm about the paper and my work.

And thankfully I am back to working now. That's the beauty of this program! The only way to "understand" an A is to ignore him. Let it go and get back to my own damn business. If he comes back and acts like an adult, I'll interact with him.

If he comes back acting like this, raging and pouting and threatening to leave, I'll say goodbye.

But I will not be held hostage by drama and fear.

GiveLove

Personally, I liked your email.

I'd take out any parts about complexing, though. And just leave the "I'm not talking to you unless you act like a grownup" parts.

But sounds like you've worked it out.

This guy really sounds like more trouble than he's worth.

Of course, I don't suffer fools (or active alcoholics) well........

Good luck transformie. Tell him the pampers are in aisle 13.

transformyself

What do you mean by "complexing?"

transformyself

God I'm so sick of this. This guy has to go. My other partner is on vacation, as soon as she gets back we have to get rid of him. I don't care if I hvae to write every single article myself.

Here's my new final email version. Tell me whatcha think

I got your text this morning saying, "what the hell is going on with this paper?"

Honestly, my first instinct is to ignore you until you can be civil, but that's not productive for the paper.

Is it really necessary to be so vicious in your communications with us? Why not send something polite like, “just looking for an update about the paper?”

If you want updates from me, that’s fine. But in the future, if you send me texts or emails like this, or speak to me this way, I will not respond.

FindingPeace1

Perhaps he doesn't see a problem with using "what the hell?'
Could he have been being funny/sacrastic (and failing at the funny)?
Is he mad about something? Does he express his upset passive aggressively usually?

It's hard to say without knowing the whole sitch.

Does he use swear words casually?
Is he a crabby person?

But I might just say,
I found your text overly aggressive/angry, which put me off. Are you frustrated about something?

If he backed down and apologized/explained after that, then problem solved.
If he minimized, you could say that while he didn't find a problem with "what the hell", you did, didn't find it professional and/or respectful and won't accept that kind of tone.
If he escalated, I would give him the boot.

just my 2 cents.
The phrase, "is it really necessary to be so vicious" is a rhetorical question that he might find inflammatory and won't further communication, I'd warrant.

Try to breathe and not let him get under your skin too much. He's ruffling your metal space and you DO have control of that!

GiveLove

If it's boundaries you're looking for, this sets one for sure. I don't choose to work with people who don't know how to communicate without profanity, or who are badly in need of a class in Civil Communication 101. Hopefully you won't have to work with him much longer. He can't be the only fish in the sea of writers you have to choose from, especially in this economy, m?

Just mho, as always.
Hang tough!