codependent? enabler?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: hillsville
Posts: 49
codependent? enabler?
I have been reading through alot of the post and stickys but am not sure where my situation fits in. I guess I'm not sure if I/we are doing things right and for the right reasons. This is the second time my AH has been to treatment. The first time he definately didn't have the right mind set and after 28 days of methadone started pills again.
This time he did say he needed help and was rapid detoxed on 5 days meth. My question is this, I had told him last time that if he did it again he was out. Clearly I did not stick to this as he is still here. He swears he is serious, attends NA regularly and is not taking pills now but ultimately the consequences he has suffered thus far are negligible. Is it possible for him to recovery under these circumstances? Should I support him this one last time? Seems wrong that I should put him out while he is sincerly seeking help but I don't see how he has 'hit bottom' so to speak. Am I a codependent/ enabler at this point? Thanks!
This time he did say he needed help and was rapid detoxed on 5 days meth. My question is this, I had told him last time that if he did it again he was out. Clearly I did not stick to this as he is still here. He swears he is serious, attends NA regularly and is not taking pills now but ultimately the consequences he has suffered thus far are negligible. Is it possible for him to recovery under these circumstances? Should I support him this one last time? Seems wrong that I should put him out while he is sincerly seeking help but I don't see how he has 'hit bottom' so to speak. Am I a codependent/ enabler at this point? Thanks!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
Welcome to SR, endangered. Glad you made it and have been doing a lot of reading. There is a wealth of information here, along with a bunch of amazing people who know exactly what you are going through.
Many, many times, the first time treatment doesn't stick. It's the same with alcoholics. It often takes multiple attempts at sobriety before it actually works. If you feel comfortable giving him one last chance, and if he appears to really be trying, then who's to say you are wrong? So far as him not yet hitting bottom, that's not something you will necessarily notice. There aren't huge flashing signs announcing it. It can, and very often is, just a calm resolve where the addict realizes life, as he has been living, just isn't working. If he truly is working a program and doing all he can to stay clean, there's no rule that says you have to end the relationship. No one here knows the entire situation but you, so you have to do what you feel most comfortable with.
Many, many times, the first time treatment doesn't stick. It's the same with alcoholics. It often takes multiple attempts at sobriety before it actually works. If you feel comfortable giving him one last chance, and if he appears to really be trying, then who's to say you are wrong? So far as him not yet hitting bottom, that's not something you will necessarily notice. There aren't huge flashing signs announcing it. It can, and very often is, just a calm resolve where the addict realizes life, as he has been living, just isn't working. If he truly is working a program and doing all he can to stay clean, there's no rule that says you have to end the relationship. No one here knows the entire situation but you, so you have to do what you feel most comfortable with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Bottom is different for different people.
Boundaries let go of outcomes. It's about what's acceptable to me and the consequences. A simple example of this is "I will not live with someone in active addiction."
You cannot control what your husband does. That's letting go of the outcome. A boundary is only as good as the consequence. If your husband returns to active addiction, what are you prepared to do to protect yourself?
Will you leave? Will you go no contact? Will you divorce him?
Only you can decide your own boundaries and consequences.
Boundaries let go of outcomes. It's about what's acceptable to me and the consequences. A simple example of this is "I will not live with someone in active addiction."
You cannot control what your husband does. That's letting go of the outcome. A boundary is only as good as the consequence. If your husband returns to active addiction, what are you prepared to do to protect yourself?
Will you leave? Will you go no contact? Will you divorce him?
Only you can decide your own boundaries and consequences.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr. glad to hear your husband is trying. it is suggested that you watch his actions over what he is saying. i agree with the others, set boundaries with consequences you can stand by. keep the focus on you and allow him to do the same. there is nothing you can do to help him other than taking care of yourself. have you gone to any alanon or naranon meetings yet?
the choice is yours whether or not you want to continue to support him there with you but keep in mind that rehab is not a cure all. the real recovery work begans after rehab. recovery is life long, so is a working plan of recovery and relapse can but don't have to, happen at any time, for any reason, without warning and last for any length of time.
the choice is yours whether or not you want to continue to support him there with you but keep in mind that rehab is not a cure all. the real recovery work begans after rehab. recovery is life long, so is a working plan of recovery and relapse can but don't have to, happen at any time, for any reason, without warning and last for any length of time.
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