Lack of Important Info-Anyone

Old 03-04-2010, 01:08 AM
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Lack of Important Info-Anyone

1. My first Experience with a Binge
I knew my bf was told me that he was alcoholic, he was attending meetings.
However I had no idea what a Binge was and was cluelees as to the dynamics. On the first binge I walked into house to find him completely smashed and out of his mind, I mean he could not communicate with me-he could speak but made no sense. There was vomit everywhere. The first thing I did was call his sponser (because I had no idea what to do) I explained that my bf was drinking and asked for his advice should I do. He instructed that I NOT take him to ER and that I leave until he is sober and agrees to get help (tough love).
-So I left him and went back to my apt (for about 5 days)

-I did not know that my bf would be in need of medical attention to detox (sober up). I managed fo find some numbers for inpatient clinics in my area and they said that he needed to be sober before they could admit him.
- Again I did not know the aspects that went on when a person was binging so I figured that by the 5th day he had stopped drinking. I could not reach him on the phone so I went to his house to find him still drunk, and in worst condition.
-I tried to research a "Binge" and could only find information about college kids drinking too much in one night. I contaced treatment ceners in the area and they told he that they could not take him until he was detoxed.
-Everyone (especially his sponsor) advised that he seek treatment and do it all by himself. He was not even capable of communicating with me, but, he had to hit "rock bottom"-and reach a point of desperation. Basically-in his totally druken state- he would find the state of mind to stop drinking and get help for himself by himself. Helping him would inhibit him from hitting "rock bottom"
- Finally I drove him to ER (about the 8 th day). He could not fill out the paper work at the hospital- could not write his name. They gave him one attivan- and sent him home. The medical professionals seemed very annoyed by us. I was lost on how to; it was a quick visit. Because I was still unclear as to how hande the situation I asked them what I should do- they basically said he cant drink on the pill they gave and to discuss treatment options with him. He was still out of mind but, I figured he would be fine I dropped him off at his house and went to work.
-At some point he went and got more booze (He did this a few times). 3 days later I went back over there, to find him even sicker.
-I ended up taking him to a different hospital and he was admitted for 2 days.
He does not remember any of this. When he finally sobered up, I was able to get information about a "binge" from him.
-Everyone was so focused on the concept that I could NOT help him (take him to er) that they did not inform me that he was is in a life-threatening situation and I was told to leave him at his house (totally drunk) and that he would either realize or not that he wants help. I know it is his responsibilty to stay sober however he almost died--and probably would not have had "epiphany" to stop drinking or seek treatment.
-Anyone ever experience this? I was seeking information on his condition "binge drinking" and I never was able to locate a phamplet or anything the definition of a binge. His sponsor/medical professionals implied that he would have the presence of mind to stop drinking and get help on his own. And that I the best thing for me to do was go about my life.
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Old 03-04-2010, 01:32 AM
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Hi Brittani welcome to this forum. I know wiser people with more experience will come along soon.

I wanted to tell you you are among friends here. We all get it.

To me this says it all

At some point he went and got more booze (He did this a few times).


How horrible it is to witness such denial and self destruction. The point is that he found the means to get more alcohol. IF you and me feel bad, we somehow get medical help right? we think they will seek help just like us.

But no. Active alcoholics are different.... don't try to get it, you would never get it unless you are an addict yourself.

Here we go by the following 3 Cs

You can't CONTROL his drinking
You didn't CAUSE him to drink
You can't CURE him

It sounds heartless but I get why the docs. were annoyed. There are innocent people needing help for diseases, accidents etc., while this person is ACTIVELY CHOOSING to drink. I do not think he is a poor victim, why? because I have been to AA and know other alcoholics have recovered and now lead great lives, truly changed.

If you smoke, you die. If you take drugs , drink , you die. You are choosing death. There's no way around it. He gets to decide what he wants to do. And you get to decide if you want to be part of a trainwreck or not.

An ex I had drank and drinks almost daily. When we broke up he told me he was planning to drink until the last day of his life. A year and a half later he keeps drinking, using people and not giving a damn about who may get hurt in his "living the wild life".

You seem a nice person and I would like to know more about you..... the person you describe has deep issues, and only fellow alcoholics, AA and the like can help him if he chooses to. Everybody knows where to get help, or finds out how to get help, just like you did joining this forum. He is not helpless. Perhaps if he loses you he may wake up to his reality. Perhaps he does not... perhaps he dies this way.

Only God, destiny, etc has the answer. Have you read the book "Codependent no more" by melody beattie?great great book that helped me when I was at a loss seeing BF drink, insult, drive, lie, manipulate etc. then drink more... I think their issues go wayyyyy before we even meet them.

HUGS
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Old 03-04-2010, 01:43 AM
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First of all thank-you for your insight. I know why doctors are annoyed as well but, reguardless he needed medical attention.
-Once someone has lost all ability to make reasonable choices and is basically on "auto-pilot"- very drunk.-
-Are they capable of having an ephiphany when they cant even walk, talk. etc. Will reality sink in, when are this far gone? Again, I know this is his problem/responsibility. I'm confident he would have lost his life during this binge without medical help.
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Old 03-04-2010, 03:42 AM
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Welcome to SR. An alcoholic needs to make the decision for themselves that they want help; no matter how many rehab clinics you ring or hospitals you take him too, his recovery has to start with him. You say he was very sick, but he wasn't too sick to go and buy more alcohol was he? You cannot save him, and the sooner you realise that, the better for you. Have you tried Al-Anon? There you will meet people in the same situation as yourself who will understand how you are feeling, and they will share with you how they deal with it. Your bf will only stop when the consequences of his drinking become to painful for him, not when they become too painful for you. This is an awful illness and I suggest that you research all the information you can about it, and how we can enable the alcoholic and help the disease to progress if we run about cushioning the blows and saving them from the consequences of their behaviour. Binge drinking just means that there are periods of non-drinking and then an almighty binge - as you have experienced. It is alcoholism, plain and simple, whether he binge drinks or drinks daily - it is causing problems therefore it is a problem. So concentrate your research on alcoholism and how it affects those around it, not just the drinker. Prayers and hugs to you.
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Old 03-04-2010, 05:06 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Here is a link to excerpts from the book "Under the Influence":
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

That book helped me understand how alcohol affects the body, brain, and spirit of alcoholics.

Your bf is sober 2 months now, right? He is emotionally distant because he is emotionally stunted from years of drinking. An alcoholic would rather drown their emotions than experience grief, depression, anxiety, anger, etc....He didn't become an alcoholic overnight, and he won't be cured overnight. It takes time.

Now that your bf is sober and working with a sponsor and support group, what steps are you taking to take care of yourself? Alanon support groups, SR, and counseling will help you understand life with an alcoholic.

Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home.
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Old 03-04-2010, 05:16 AM
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Hi Brittani, Welcome. I completely understand how you feel and why what these folks have been telling you does not make sense to you. You did the right thing by honoring your own feelings, values, and instincts. I am so glad you have reached out for help. You may want to consider trying an Al-Anon meeting; they are for family and loved ones of people with alcoholism. Here are some of my perspectives, and some feedback/questions for you to consider. I hope something here helps.

reguardless he needed medical attention.
Ask yourself, in what way did he need medical attention? Had he simply refrained from or stopped consuming alcohol, would he have still needed medical attention?

Once someone has lost all ability to make reasonable choices and is basically on "auto-pilot"- very drunk.
Your BF sounds like he is way past "social" drinking or what might be called "party bingeing" and has entered the realm of full-blown alcoholism. Therefore, your "reasonable choice" standard for intercepting and "helping" does not really apply here. When a person's alcoholism has progressed to the point where he knowingly chooses to get so drunk that he throws up all over the place, cannot speak or hold his head up, etc the reasonable choice was to NOT take the first drink. He made that choice long before you walked in the door. He KNOWS this already because he is in A.A.

Are they capable of having an ephiphany when they cant even walk, talk. etc. Will reality sink in, when are this far gone?
Are you trying to rationalize why you want to continue to help him when he is obliterated like this? Or are you just trying to understand why the others told you to let him be? Why does the alcoholic need to have an epiphany at this time? What reality would you like to sink in?

Again, I know this is his problem/responsibility. I'm confident he would have lost his life during this binge without medical help.
Right. Brittany, those are the consequences the Universe has put into place for when a human being decides to obliterate himself with alcohol. Throwing up is the body trying to get the alcohol OUT. This is a violent and horrible sign to the alcoholic that he should stop. If they do not stop, yes, they can die. EVERY human being is responsible for making the choices necessary to prevent or reduce the chance that he will kill himself. If you choose to intercede, for WHATEVER reason, you should understand that you are doing so FOR LIFE. So, what reasonable choice standard is strongest?

YOU cannot control the Rules of the Universe, nor can you CHANGE them. You are free to TRY, just like all of us here have done, and many of us continue to do, but it is healthier to do as so many folks have advised you, which is to take care of yourself and your own life. To do otherwise really is to hurt him more than help him, and is a great inconvenience to you.

Remember the saying:
Be careful what you do, because your actions become your habits.
Be careful what become your habits because your habits become your future.
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Old 03-04-2010, 05:22 AM
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Hi Brittani,

I understand your frustration. The reason the experts probably kept telling you to leave him alone is because that is all you can do for him.

Life depends on each of us taking care of ourselves. Your bf sounds very sick, but it is the kind of illness that he and only he can seek help for. Your involvement in his treatment only prevents him from truly getting help. You cannot convince him to help himself. He has to want that.

As sad as it is not everyone lives a long and healthy life. That is reality. If he chooses to end his life by drinking, then that is his choice. You might not want him to, but it isn't up to you.

Focusing on oursleves helps us to take the focus off of them and what they are doing. Since we cannot control others, we can only control ourselves.

Hugs
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Old 03-04-2010, 10:36 AM
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Addiction, Lies and Relationships

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Old 03-04-2010, 06:26 PM
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Again thank-you for the insight. I understand that is not my responsibility to save him and that I can not save him from himself.
-Now, Im educated on what a "binge" drinker is, at that time, it was just really difficult to make the right choice without the right information (or none).And while I understand why the medical professionals were annoyed- they certainly knew more than I did on the subject, and it would have been help-ful.
-Course now I put all the pieces together as to why they were saying to leave him. I chose to help and he chose to drink an I get that, but, everything was so foggy during that time. He was drunk, and I could not get acess the information to make what I thought woud be the best choice.
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Old 03-04-2010, 06:32 PM
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And from what I gather he had just stopped drinking he ran the risk of going through DT's, which can be life-threatening. I did not know this, but bingers have a tendancy to "black-out" and not remember anything--he did not remember driving to go get more booze. Again I realize he made this choice to drink, just would have preferred to more about it.
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Old 03-04-2010, 06:32 PM
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It sounds like you had a very harrowing experience. I think a lot of us can relate to that. You cannot change the past. What's done is done. The important thing is to have a plan going forward. What will you do if you find yourself in this predicament again? (And it's likely you will, or even worse.)

I would think 911 is a good option, but that's just what I would do. What can you do that would cause you less trauma? (Knowing, of course, that you cannot change his choices or behavior.)

L
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